I need a space to write and I'm to the point that I Dont' care that anyone reads this. In fact, I welcome it, and hope that if you read this, that you'll give me some insight that maybe I'm overlooking... Or maybe I'll help bring you insight to your life. Who knows?
But I ahve a lot to think about right now. A lot to wrap my head around.
I just watched a documentary on a spiritual life coach/shaman/whatever you want to call him. I'll call him Paul but not tell you the last name. Or the film or anything of that nature.
Paul, I would consider, is an intellectual genius, much like a few of my favorites. His method is perhaps a little extreme, and it opens the world for a lot of problems, and some of his beliefs I don't think are 100% applicable, but the show is about one of his workshops and I think people go to workshops so that they can experience the extreme and from those extremes change their lives.
So there's the intro to what I want to explore here. . .
People only seem to change drastically for the better when tehy've experienced something drastic and extreme. --I don't want to believe in that 100% but perhaps it is true. The alternative that rolls through my mind is that people change in those extreme moments, but they also change in the day to day, little by little. However, I know from observation and experience that those "Changes" of the day to day tend to be cyclical. We change a little--just enough--and that pushes us into the next phase of the cycle and then that causes us to generate some correcting action which pushes us a little back and yet pushes us over the limit and then we somehow return to normal. --I've talked about cycles elsewhere...
I don't want to believe that we only change after drastic events, because then it would beg the argument that we should push ourselves to do extreme things at the first sign of trouble and that those extreme things cause us to learn and grow and make ultimate decisions about who we are and what we want to be. . . A sort of... I'm having a bad day, life seems to suck right now, so IT hink I'll go do something spontaneous and outrageous and force myself to do something that I Wouldn't normally do and then somehow --through that process--I force myself to learn and work my way out of it.
And sadly...I KNOW that that works. I KNOW that that is a real thing. take for instance the count of monte cristo...escaping the prison without the ropes rather htan with the ropes. Or take any professional athelete, and all of these life coaches, that I like ET, or even Alan Watts...all of the people I look up to as having obtained the formula for success;; Michael Jordan, or Mohamad Ali or outside of the world of sports, Eminem or T.I. or Justin Timberlake, or 50Cent, Katy Perry...they all took what they were doing--they took their passion, and they took a giant leap with it. They said: I'm not good enough right now, but I'm going to work at it and work at it and work at it and not stop working at it until I'm teh greatest. --To me, that isn't a "gradual change every day" it's a spontaneous life changing moment where they say to themselves : IT STARTS NOW. and then they go do it.
So.
I KNOW you can change this way. You can change by making the spontaneous decision. And I think you could even argue that that is the ONLY way. That ALL of the most successful people are only successfull because they took taht leap of faith into what was their passion and they gave themselves no way out--that's how extreme they took it. They gave themselves no Plan B. They just kept going forward with all that they had and said screw it to everything else.
But I wnat to believe that there is another path. That there is a path for the rest of people where they have plan Bs where they manage the risks to a T. They have plans for their plans and backups for those plans and all of those plans point to success. I want to believe that that is a real thing because it makes logical sense. it makes compelte sense that that is the way life is. That it actually requires both. That you have to take a spontaneous leap and that that leap is extreme enough for you to realize that you are scared and that you need to come up with a plan for your plan for your backup plan.
So I guess I want to be real with myself and...whoever reads this blog... and say that one of the reasons why I don't take a leap into these things that I'm passionate about: Film Making or Life Coaching or Homesteading, is that I worry about the consequences of such if I do it RIGHT NOW.
I fully intend to work on a feather film or series before I die. I always have and always will retain that goal. But, when things got hard for me, I took a break from it. I'm only now regaining my footing, regaining my focus and only now am I build up enough--after being destroyed--to face it again.
The life coaching... I want to make that a career. I'm sick of working for someone else, Im sick of being the smartest guy in the room who is ignored because he's a nobody. I'm sick of having to play politics in my workplace just to survive. to SURVIVE. I don't want to survive. That wasn't ever really my goal in life...survial was a side effect of everything else I Wanted to do. I wanted to LIVE and to live I guess you have to survive. But you also have to do so much more.
I want to do homesteading, and at one point a few months back I had a 5 year plan to get me going. OF whcih I'm only following through with about 1/4th of it. So at this rate, ya, in 20 years perhaps I'll be living that life. But this is bullshit. Why am I not doing it now?
I've also been made aware of a hidden desire of mine--not really hidden, but it's in so much conflict right now that I really don't know what to make of it, and it is that I want to get married some day and have 1 or 2 kids. I want to be a dad. I want to be a husband. but and here is where the doubt and all the barriers are that hold me back: I don't want to have a shitty marriage. I don't want to have kids get in the way of my relationship with my wife. I think a marriage relatiuonship--my wife--ought to be the very best relationship in my existence, and yet my other personal beliefs would indicate that perhaps a wife is a wife, and that I could have a best firned or colleague or mentor, or student that is my greatest relationship--and my personal beliefs don't want me to be held back or isolated into thinking that my marriage is going to be the best relationship ever---so I conflict. I fight againt the desire for this relationship--marriage- to be the best of the best, when it shouldn't have to be.
I joked with my roomate--and I'm actually stating to think the joke is my subconscious creeping out--that what I really need in my life is a saleswoman. Someone who can sell me, can sell my ideas, can pitch everything and redescribe everything and be a part of my life--because I lack those skillsets. I have too much ethics to persuade and manipulate people and because of that I draw the line extra close and it does take manipluation and persuasion to sell people things so I haven't learned those skillsets. So I need a girl who will sell everything I can produce, and then I can fuck her in the office and sell her everything I know about this etheral universe that I seem to understand that just clicks and makes sense--the things like that if you take that spontaneous jump you will succeed...
There are things that hold me back. True.
and yet, there is this fantasy, this vision that I cling to and I think it is the main thing that is holding me back.
It's a vision that goes liek this...
"wouldn't it be nice if..."
I had these spectacular relationships where I was respected and lookd up to and yet that I Was beat up just enough to give me a challenge and keep me growing and yet hta tit was done in the right way to make me not so stressed out about it and panic about getting side tracked...I hate it when people yell or scream at me when I don't know why they are upset with me--and I hate when they yell and scream at me and I do know why they are upset with me but I know that it was an accident or that I don't have the control to chagne it.
And yet... wouldn't it be nice if they DID yell at me more and they knew and could consciously recognize that they were just using me and abusing me--and the nice part would be if they cmae back to me after and apologized and said "thank you for letting me use you as a yelling board"--gee, that would make my life complete I'd probably cry a little inside knowing that someone was using me for something useful and that they recognized how valuable I was after.
Getting back on topic...
I want to believe that these little changes that we make every day acutally ammount to something more than the cycles that we keep going through, and yet I look back at my life and I see that I'm very cyclical. I go through good graceful periods where I'm floating on air, people are complimenting me and building me up and respect me and helpful to me and I'm in that golden position that I love to be in where I can say anything and be accepted or people come to me for advice and I don't have to bullshit with them to feed their ego--I Can just say it and they're receptive to it.
And then I get full of myself, or things start to get too good, or I miss a step here, don't get enough sleep there, and I'm cranky one day at the most inopportune moment and I Get passed up for great things because of it and the next thing I know I'm increadibly upset. I'm upset that I had thigns going for me and a simple mistake or because I push the limits too far, I'm somehow the lowest of low, a criminal. And I don't feel I deserve it. Sometimes it's merely a moment like this, right now, where I pause to really think about htings so I can make some greater discoveries and climb higher, and because I'm pausing to rethink, that is when I get passed up, I miss my train or whatever good fortune was supposed to happen to me.
And then I'm bitter and disgusted by everything and cynical and I get upset that I got passed up ro missed the thing. Then people start to avoid me and I push people out of my life because I'm annoyed by them and then I hit a socalled rock bottom where I realize I have no one or nothing.--that happened to me today actually. I realized I had a funny joke and no one to tell it to. No one who would respect it, not one who would laugh at it, no one who wouldnt think I'm crazy for laughing at it... and so I hit that point and then push myself to pull out of it and I do whatever needs to be done and get a few moments of golden floating on air where people finally respect me again. And this cycle happens over and over and over and I just live through life. I accept these bullshit things that happen to me when people pin things on me. I accept when people come to me for advice or they flatter me when I don't wnat to be flattered.
It's all really weird, but I never really seem to progress anywhere. I just get more hardened and solidified in where I'm at. Things become more refined and more defined. These arguments I've lived off of for so long--they don't get a chance to change because it's like I'm drawing a cirlce and I keep drawing over the line over and over and over and it gets more bold each pass I take till that's all you can see in the picture is this giant bold cirlce that really is insignificant in the whole painting.
All of this really trips me out.
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This entire blog has seemed to be building and working towards some central point--It would seem to me, looking over it as a whole--that I keep going around in a cirlce and get so so so so close to what is at the center of it all and the anticipation builds up as I get closer because I Think 'this is it--this is the time that my intellect finally reaches the center' but it never does. and I am left to wonder why that is.
In fact, perhaps it's not working towards the center at all. Perhaps it is exploding from teh center and I only think that I'm getting more centrifugal when really I'm exploding outward, going further and further from the center and that that is really what progress is--that the thing in the center is so old and so long past that it is irrelevant and that what matters is the present and that in the future the future is what matters. Don't worry about what's at the center, worry about what's at the outer edge--and since the universe is always expanding, don't worry about the actual outer edge, because you'll never reach it--worry about the present, where you are presently.
And...sadly...
that's what it always comes back it.
If the whole theme of this blog is gravity forcing us to fall towards some central point-- whether we are actually moving/falling, or whether we are in a state of equalibrium with the verticals and that we are still falling as much as we are being pushed up (but still falling mind you!). . . perhaps that's what hte central point is: that only this present moment matters. only the fact that I'm sitting here typing away at 100 words per minute on this keyeboard not carring about spelling not caring about who is going to read this later not worrying about anything.
It almost gives me a little bit of anxiety really because I don't know that this is an appropriate use of my time. I could be out, right as we speak, working towards getting laid, or making money to eat, or going out to eat, or whatever else--just to survive. OR I could be doing something enjoyable--but am I not enjoying this? am I not enjoying exploring myself through this writing? I am. . . and it is better than merely surviving. Fuck surviving. I am enjoying this.
But I always find myself returning to 'on task' because the real thrill of it all is that at some point if I keep doing this process I think that I'll make GRADUAL progress and reach a new territory. That's where the thrill is, that's where the excitement is,tthat's what so fun about writing on this blog--that I keep making that circular pass so close to the center that I think maybe this time I'll touch it--and the anticipation builds up and I convince myself that it will happen but it never does. and I don't even know if it ever will. I don't know enough about hte laws of this etheral world to know if it is actually possible for my path to touch to that central point.
What is it that is holding me back?
The thing that holds me back from film making for hte rest of my life is that I fear not making a living at it. I fear it. I'm afraid of it, I'm afraid I'll die of starvation and I know I can't work if I start to starve and so I won't REALLY be film making, I'll be starving. Those feelings of hunger will surpass those feelings of me actually doing something. but not just that. I'm afraid I'll be alone. I'm afraid that I'll have to sacrifice my friends and family and that I'll have to play politics--fuck I hate politics. That the politics will give me the opportunities to create films but at the expense of being fake, not connecting with people--really--because everyhting will be fake. I'll be feeding people's egos just so that I Can do my "passion" which--IS that my passion? No apparently not. Apparently film making is not my passion because it's not what makes me itch it's not what makes me tick.
There . I think I've settled that. Film making is a skill. it is a hobby. It is something fun I like to do, but it is not what I am passionate about, otherwise I'd put up with the politics to do it. I'd sell my house and invest everything I've got into this dream if that were the case. But it's not...
So what about life coaching? The thing that holds me back there is that I'm not assured of the consequences of my actions. I know that I could change people, I know that I could bring insights to the world, but to get started, of course, I'm scared of starving. I'm scared that I will not have enough clients or enough sales to earn a living. I'm scared too, that what I teach, one day, I'll decide isnt' correct. That I only thought it was. And I think that seperates me from a lot of other life coaches--they are confidence and self-assured that their view of life is the correct one. they are convinced that life is all about having sex and the chase and thrill, or they are convinced that life is about earning money, or they are convinced that life is about worshiping this being outside of yourself that may or may not be real and that is the beauty of it. They are CONVINCED--they appear so anyway--that they know exactly what life isa bout, and that gives them the power to sell what it is they are selling.
Me, what I have is original. Sure.
What I have is extreme. Yes.
What I have is well-thought out. Absolutely.
What I have I believe in. Almost entirely. But I doubt. I doubt myself. I doubt that I have it 100% and I'm scared to say : I only know 50% or 10% or whatever % I'm at right now. I think I only have 60% of the picture, if I'm being accurate. I have 60% of it. And I jhust don't know if that is enough to invest my life in it because I don't know enough--and sadly, these other guys--they know less than I do! But somehow they have something I don't have.
Ethics. That's another thing that stops me. And it's related to the 60% I do know. . . I could make up the other 40% and sell that, but it would be unethical. Plus, the 60% I do know, I'm only 90% sure of it. I'm leaving myself open to the possibility that I'm 10% completely off the mark, and I'm leaving myself 40% that I don't know and can't teach and yet that may or may not be the crucial 40%--that scares me.
10% I'm wrong
40% I don't know
60% I do know
90% I'm right.
I want the statistics to work more in my favor. That's all I want.
I just took a break and came back 45 sec later and realized that really, I'm wating around for a breakthrough moment that can propel me int that "it starts now" mode. --it's not realyl waiting. It's building. I'm building myself towards that.
And you know what. I guess maybe I am making some progress--I'm learning more and more. I'm getting more insights all hte time, some that give me more power to get closer to that moment and other that have me alter my course a little.
So the vision is:
I have a gorgeous wife. We live on a homestead. We have 2 kids. I write, blog, and offer workshops. I interact with people online and in person. I make money from my book/lifecoaching/skillsets--just enough to pay taxes, and buy things I'm too lazy to homestead for myself.
That's the vision. When the kids are old enough they can leave if they want and I'll have enough money to get their foot out the door, or they'll have enough in them to leave.
See, that's the funny thing about me and kids...
I want kids because there is a bond there--a relationship that only parents have with their kids--because they have extra years to establish that relationship with them that the rest of the world does not. . . and yet I wouldn't want to have that forever. I'd want them to grow up and move on and leave home so I could have an empty nest with my wife--we could have experienced the kids together and experienced the love of the relationship again as well.--I don't think that's weird, but I Think it's weird that I think that now where most people are like: I want kids so I can have them forever...
... Maybe this is a male thing>?
Honestly, I think the thing I'm most passionate about is searching for the perfect relationship.
If I find it, I worry that I won't be satisfied because there will no longer be a need to search for it. Or perhaps it won't be that way at all. From my experience though, the perfect relationship cannot be found, and I'm90% sure of this. The perfect relationship has to be built over time, step by step, little by little, small progress by small progress. 10% of me says that you can just stumble upon it. That you can find someone you just click with, and everything works out, but 90% of me says that you find someone who likes you a lot and you don't let them go. Or you find someone you like a lot and you don't let them go, no matter how shitty they turn out.
And that leads me: what is holding me back from having this ideal relationship that I speak of where I get married...
Well, the reason is that I haven't found anyone who likes me enough to not let me go. And I haven't found the motivation within myself to find someone I really like and will never let go. I've found people who I thought it would work with. I've found people who I know if I stuck with them that I could influence them to morph into exactly that perfect relationship--but I'm lazy. I'm SOOOO lazy. The moment that I see things are going wrong with the relationship I realize: "fuck. I could have anyone. Why am I messing with this chick>?" Sometimes I even doubt myself "fuck. I dont' know what I was thinking. I can't just pick someone and make a relationship out of them" --and yet, that's the ONLY way I can see it.
Either I pick someone and never let them go no matter what.
Or
They pick me and I come around to realizing that they ARE the perfect relationship for me.
So... I'm passionate about it. I want this. But the thing holding me back is I'm lazy. Fear or laziness are at the root of everything in your life why you aren't free or satisifed. Sometimes knowledge, but very rarely. Having knowledge I can say that...that knowledge is useless if you're scared or if you're lazy. and I have fear and laziness. just look at me!
All in all, I don't know what I'm really passionate about. I know I'm not passionate about making money, because I realize money is useless when it's being stored--a fortress full of gold is of no use to anyone anymore than a fortress full of stone or a field of bare sand is useful. There's no purpose in these things. The purpose is generating revenue and accumulating stuff, not the stuff itself. and I'm not interested in that.
What I am interested in is relationships. Forming new ones, maintaining old ones. Building on old ones if possible. improving them. Benefiting from them.
I'm interested in experiences. Experiencing new things, reexperiecning things I enjoy or am still wrapping my head around.
Life is tripping me out.
