I realize now more than ever--I mean to say that it is so clear to me now, and thankfully I'm not too late for me:
Let me articulate what I am going to say, because even though I understand it, I don't know how to express it in a clear and concise manner.
I've wasted many years of my life chasing after things that I should not have. I have sought money, I have sought women, I have sought friendships and companion ships. I have sought fame and popularity, I have sought to make a difference in this world and save other people. I've sought knowledge and I've sought understanding, but none of those things are what I should have been chasing.
I should have been chasing after my dreams. Not my wants, but my visions.
I know I have said this in the past that I know HOW to get what I want, I just don't know what I want, and so part of my journey thus far has been to figure out 'what I want.' I've learned a great deal in the last 10k days, not just about what I want but what I should want, and how to get it. I don't want to waste precious time explaining how I got here, because that's not important. What is important is that I am here, right now, and this is--more than ever before--the beginning of the future me.
I am all out of excuses. I've used every excuse imaginable to avoid coming to this conclusion and I don't want to make any more excuses. Nothing is in my way except time, and I lucked out to have an abundance of it--more than most people are born with. Many more years.
I have all of the tools I need. I don't need an education, but I got one. It doesn't help me all the time, but it helps me some of the time, but even if I didn't get one, it would not matter. I have all the tools I need right here in my mind. I am resourceful. I am intelligent. If I don't know it already, then I can learn it. I can figure out how to do it.
I have accumulated more resources now than I have ever accumulated. In the past, that was cause for me to make up excuses because I was too scared to risk those resources. I thought that if I risked them and lost them all that I would never get them back and I would be moving backwards not forwards. Now I see that there is no other alternative. If I want to do something, I either MUST do it full force, or not at all. I must take the leap or the risk, or shut my mouth and forget about it. And my mind will tell me which choice to go after--if I can't stand the thought of not doing a thing, then I should do it. If I'm on the fence, then I know I shouldn't do it, because the worst course of action is to commit to something halfway and then bail out on the 99 out of 100%, just as I'm about to score the biggest reward imaginable. --That's how you waste your time, money, and resources and more importantly, your talents.
Life is a process.
You don't go from point A to B. You go from now to infinity. There is no end. And because there is no end, the end doesn't matter, and the past doesn't matter either. Ya, they exist, ya they are useful, but they are ONLY useful in relation to other points on my timeline. What is more important is where I am right now, whether I'm satisfied, or unsatisfied.
If I'm not happy, it's because I'm not satisfied with something. If I don't think things are fair, who cares? Fairness is just another term for excuse. Fairness is what people care about who worry day in day out, fairness is what people turn to when they need a reason to be a certain way or live a certain way. Work is what matters most. Life is not pointless unless you chose to live a pointless life, and I don't want that.
My life is not pointless, my life is premature. If it looks like I haven't done anything and that I've been moving backwards--maybe I have in the past, but in the future, no way. In my future, there is a point. I'm surviving, I'm slaving away for this vision I have and the funny thing is, I don't even see that vision clearly. I only see bits and pieces of my vision, but what I do see, I have made it the very purpose of my life to reach those visions.
I can have anything in life that I want, I just need to sacrifice for it. I need to take risks to get it. I need to drive, and when I fall, I need to work even harder to save myself. There is no other alternative. When I can't work any more--not when I run out of money, but when I can't work--that is when I die. Not until then. I will not give up.
