I couldn't think of an immediate title for this post. It's been a long time since I've had the time to write much of anything for myself--and that's what this website is...a place for me to voice my thoughts to myself in a manner much like someone thinking outloud. The difference is that what I write can be read for years later.
I'll admit, this isn't the most sane thing to do considering people could look me up and possibly find this and some of the crazy ideas I've had and probably they could misinterpret them as though they are thoughts are currently share. I don't go back and read these very often. This is kind of a public journal, but it's funny because few people write journals to read themselves--more often their kids or family end up reading them or even their ancestors or people who want to know the dead.
I wonder if anyone will read all of these posts and come up with some grand theme or a common thread that all of them share--that would be really cool really, so if you are doing something like this, let me know, or if I'm dead then come to my grave and let me know because what you would be doing is summing up a rare part of my life throughout the years. You would essentially know me more than I know myself!
I just don't think anyone has that kind of time and although some of my ideas are extreme or cutting edge at the time, most of them are not so edgy anymore and most of them are more rants than gems. I might even feel bad for the person that takes the time to analyze these or make inferations from what I've written because there are so many more enjoyable things one could do with their life.
---There. That's all the intro you get to explain away the last several months since I've posted anything.
What I really wanted to write out was how I have that sick sick feeling again in my soul. That disgusting, creepy, black abyss that I sometimes catch a glimpse of as though this ship I call my body is about to set sail right into because I'm getting sucked further and further into it without any means of escaping. --Yet somehow I always find a way out of it, so there's also a bit of excitement to the whole thing and anticipation of when I will shift from darkness to blinding light.
What could be making me so sick to the core? What could be causing this weird hormonal imbalance?
If you HAVE been reading all of my posts up to the present then you'd understand that the thing that weighs me down is the world. Is people. Is bad people. Is people who disrupt my fun-loving, my peaceful, my cheery life.
Let's recap:
It's almost my wedding day. I've been succeeding in my schoolwork to the point that I'm sitting on a covetous GPA. I have the whole world ahead of me and truly feel as though there is nothing I can't do. I've reinforced those long known thoughts that: "If I put my mind to anything, I can accomplish everything." Things are looking up for me! Truly, they are!
Yet maybe I've been exposed to some bad pollutants and that's what's triggering me to see this sick thing and want to just crawl under the bed or hid out in the crawl space just to get away from it all.
People are disgusting.
Now that I'm old enough to say this, I think I'm going to say it: I've lived a very innocent and benevolent life. I used to think I was corrupt at times, mean, rude, selfish and all of those negative traits that people generalize about themselves. Yet, I really have not. I've never been to jail. I've only been drunk once in my life. I haven't had a speeding ticket in years. I don't lie and don't have a reason to lie--actually, let me correct myself: I lie, but it's nothing major and I'm so truthful that I actually paused and was going to correct myself but decided it was better effect to just append my statement about lying. I've never taken advantage of anyone even though it would have been sooo soooo easy to do so. I haven't done that because I have way more restraint than anyone I know. I've never stolen in my adult life--probably the last thing I've stollen in my life was my classmates tomagachi in 3rd grade. I've never done drugs, not even soft, legal drugs, never taken oxy, never been around people that take molly or ecstasy. Never even taken an ambien. I take two ibuprophen when I'm in pain and that's it, maybe some coffee to clear my head now and again. I've cut back on sugar to the point that I almost rarely eat candy. --I am a model citizen and proof that you can be good and still exist in life.
And yes, it's very easy to do it.
It's not that I haven't had opportunities. Its that I know my vice and I keep it in check, every day of my life, and all of those other things aren't appealing to me.
Wow--that was quite the backstory.
So my question is, with all that I've experienced in life, why is it so easy for other people to do these disgusting things. Why do our institutions reek of filth and corruption? Why do people get away with so many crooked things and there is no means to stop them?
I really am not okay with this.
I think one thing that hit me hard this week is the wages of nurses--RNs in particular.
They have a minimum of an associates degree and 1 year of experience and yet they make $25/hr starting pay. Yet you can be a janitor, cleaning up not just the shit people leave in the toilets but also the disgusting behaviors of people who purposely wipe their feces all over the bathroom just to give you more work. We've got so-called "essential" employees working behind cash registers that could easily catch disease from the creeps that purposely try to get people sick and they get paid $9/hr where I live. How about being a skyrise welder, wearing a harness and messing with both flames and high voltage just to weld a beam 100 ft in the air--those guys make around $25/hr in the height of their career and also have to go through about 18 months of training plus a year of experience or more. Compare that to the pay of government scientists with master's or doctor's degrees--they get $28/hr starting pay and know a hell of a lot more.
I just don't see the value here. I'm not sure if that part of my brain that is able to gage the value of something is just turned off or what, but I really don't see the value that RNs provide to society. Most RNs are working in a vanity industry trying to prolong the life of an individual who isn't able to support the community. I think people have an obsession with long life and that disturbs me, it disgusts me. I just don't think nurses are worth what they get paid.
Then again, I don't think doctors are worth what they are paid either, I think doctors are paid more based on the risk they take rather than the value they generate, and I think there's some degree of hyperinflation based on the fact that people will pay anything just to live longer, which to me is an ethical concern that doctors really should think long and hard about instead of settling on "That's just the way it is." But do nurses really have to take risks? Maybe physical risks and mental/emotional risks, but the magnitude of those risks really don't seem like enough to constitute being paid so highly.
I've also recently found out the nuances of hiring federal government positions: veterans, former federal employees, they all get privileged status for jobs over regular civilians. Is that ethical? does it really promote the best person working in these important federal jobs? What about on the local level--in many counties and cities, the community's taxes go to supporting cornies--friends and family of current managers of these places or political appointees.
Why do people garner power and then instantly abuse that power? Where have ethics gone?
I'm really disturbed by this and I am honestly starting to think that our civilization will fall apart in my lifetime because of these very bad bad things.
I really do not want to live in this world.
