seeking understanding of self

November is the month of understanding, and I've started the month off with a quest to understand myself better. . .

I have been having some bad days over the last couple of weeks. I hit a few highs bit mostly a lot of lows. --I'm not too concerned, it will get better eventually, it always does. But, only after I do some serious work to make it better. In this case, I'm doing a lot of soul searching.

I know what I am passionate about now in life. Sometimes I just forget and then my life gets hollow and I don't approach life with the same positive mindset. I face major letdowns and let things eat at me.
It all came to a head just barely though.

I want someone to want me.

And I would give up everything for that, except I'm scared because it doesn't happen quick enough.
I take life at 90mph. It speeds by and I'm used to it and don't notice. But most people drive 25, which might actually be slower than my idle. So I have to break if I'm going to follow them, and if they follow me. They can't keep up.

Depressing, yes, but at least I can understand it now. I want you to want me, and it hurts my heart a little that you don't want me at the speed I want you.

Will

I started to write a will but decided I didn't want to include some of the people I listed in it so I quit writing it.

I figure I'll write down a few things I DO know right here, and maybe that will motivate me to finish it:


1- When I die, I want to donate my primary organs: Heart, Liver, Kidney, Lungs, and Eyes, to otherwise healthy kids (first) and then adults who have genetic defects, were wounded in a gunfight, car crash, or other abnormal disaster.
2- My spinal column, brain, skin, and any other internal organs I would like to donate to scientific research related to developing technologies that can rebuild dead or dying cells, or genetic research.
3- With anything left, I wish to be cremated and have my ashes separated and spread throughout nature--the ocean, the mountains, forests, etc. Preferably by a close friend or family member who will hike, bike, kayak, mountain climb, or ride horses to such remote places.
4- I want to have a bench built in a nature park or along a hiking trail, that can be used as a monument to my life. Inscribed on the bench I want it to have my house seal (which I designed myself) and the words "I am from the past, no one knows the future, but I tried my damnedest to live in the present."
5- Each of my two Brothers and two Sisters, and Both of my parents are entitled to take one item from my possessions of their choosing.
6- Should any women come forward claiming to be my girlfriend (however weak their claims) at the time of my death, they will be entitled to one of my possessions of their choosing.
7- My dog shall be returned to my breeder as per my contract with her, who I will entrust to either return to one of my trusted family members or friends who will give her a good home or will find a better home for her. Should any of my family or friends want her they may take it up with Regalane.
8- My car, I want to auction off and the proceeds donated to the Arbor Day Foundation because I like what they are trying to do for the world.
9- My house and any land that I own I want to be sold at auction, the opening bid at the amount I still owe on my mortgage plus any of my debts--I don't imagine it will have a hard time selling.
10- I want the rest of my possessions auctioned off with the exception of any content rights, creative rights, or rights to residuals.



At this point, I don't know what else to do with my possessions...

I know that I do not want to give my creative rights away to anyone--because I know no one who I could trust with them. All of my poems, all of my writings, my artwork, my films, my book--all of it is shit anyway, but I still don't want to give them to anyone because no one has proven themselves worthy to me.
So if they are worth anything, if what I have had to say is worth anything to anyone, I don't want them to have it because they don't deserve it.
At this point in my life, I don't even think I want any of it published once I'm dead, so if I die before it gets published then I hope it sinks to the grave with me. It's selfish, I know, and I have no excuse for it...

Please read this letter/incorporate it into my obituary:

I want to make the point that you have all treated me like shit.
Some of you have used me like a slave, enlisted me to work for you while you gained from my labor, and most often you did this by offering me the worst deals that you knew I had to take because I had no other options at the time.
Some of you have forced me into situations where I had to pay for your things, not of my own free will but out of guilt.
Some of you have lied to me and some of you have hid things me, and you should know I never believed that intentions were justifications for doing anything. When your lies made me feel bad, gave me anxiety, kept me from information that might have helped me make a good decision, then I don't give a damn about your reasoning behind it, because some of you never apologized to me.
Some of you weren't there when I needed you. I've maintained a policy that if anyone needs someone to talk to, that I would volunteer. And I did!--I did for my whole adult life. Yet when I needed to talk, some of you have blown me off.
And you know what? Ignoring me was what hurt me the most in life. I could have handled you telling me off. I could have handled you telling me that you didn't care enough about me to listen to me. I could have handled you telling me that I was an asshole who didn't deserve it. But you didn't. You didn't say anything and you let me beat myself up.

I guess that's the whole reason why I don't think anyone is worthy.

So take whats left of my money and buy up a large block of milled copper with it and drop it into the ocean.

Want to know me? Know my Cynic

[WARNING CAUTION WARNING CAUTION WARNING CAUTION:]
[This is an angry cynical angst drunk rant. Read at your own discretion...]

You know what?
I hate the way the world works.
I hate the way it fits together so neatly.
I hate that I know the consequences.
I hate that I'm responsible.
I hate that I'm not crazy and yet, I am.
i hate that I have it good when others don't
I hate how perfect my life is
because it's not perfect!
I hate that I love my life

I'm invisible
because I'm a statue
Apollo
One look
One awe
And then they're done
I blend in
to everything around

You know how many times I've heard that line?
"You're too perfect for me" ... because "I'm not used to guys like you"
Fuck my Life!
You might think I'm perfect
but I'm choosing you right now
I'm living right now
I'm with you
right now.
And it kills me every time

I've been the secret lover
I've been the one you hate
I've been your best friend for years
and you'd still walk away
I've been hurt
I keep bouncing back
And you know what?
I have no one to turn to
no one to tell how I feel
no one to listen to
no one to take care of
except myself.

I'm not selfish
I'm tender
And we don't do well in the sun
all alone.
I might look like a cactus
but I'm not prickly
I'm no porcupine
I won't bite!

If I can't have you for myself
I want you as a friend, best
But please don't walk
Don't leave
When everything is so good

Losing an Uphill Battle && Why I write

I suppose it's time for me to make a statement regarding my life:

I have been fighting an uphill, underdog battle for many years--perhaps my whole life. As well as I can tell, I do not see any correlations between my upbringing and this battle, though my mind is quite fantastical and it could be so repressed that I have yet to dig it up.

The thing I have always fought with is a desire for companionship. As a toddler, I drowned in the west jordan pool because I wanted to be among the companionship of my older sister and threw my current capabilities out the window to do so and ventured into the deeper end of the pool. I can recall doing ANYTHING to be accepted by the kids at my baby sitter Annette's house. And in Elementary, I recall a couple of times where I went inside to cry at my desk because the other children didn't want me to play with them. Later, in my final year at my elementary school, I remember trying my damnedest to fit in with the cool kids and finally (at least as my perception remembers) being accepted in a small segment of the popular group.
And then I moved away and threw all of that away.
At my new school I struggled to fit in in the last couple months of the school year--the last couple of months of elementary even. And then in Jr. High I struggled some more with some of the shittiest friends a boy could have. Finally, in High school things leveled out for me and I had a few close, respectable friends, though I don't understand why or how. When high school was ending and everyone was going separate ways and I kind of got the impression that my friends didn't want me coming around unless I was fully committed to them and their lifestyle (and at the time, I wasn't--I had a few brainwashings to overcome that prevented me from fully committing to them).
By college, I was no better or worse than before. I was new. I was different. And I don't know if I never learned to make friends and be popular or if I have never been given the opportunity (I would think the latter, because I DO have a few very good friends...keyword "few").
Finally, as an adult, I entered the workforce, bought a house, bought a dog, bought a new car, have a few grandiose experiences under my belt and a head full of knowledge, a pocket full of cash, and a dreaming mind. Yet, I have no friends. I fit in with no one. Even my family is foreign to me.


I'm different. I know this. I refuse to suck up to anyone, I refuse to be a slave for anyone, I refuse to bear all of the risks, I refuse to share much of my life because I value my freedom and independence--it keeps me happy--more than I value other people. When I invest in someone else, I'm all in. Yet, I get the impression that "all in" is the worst public policy for this day and age. My generation is the generation of safety and security--or so experts say. They invest small and expect large, or they invest small, fidget around and let the wind toss them here and there and then after much pressure they agree to invest more or back away.

The realization I have made recently is:
I have no friends because I refuse to give up my beliefs. I believe in freedom. I believe in fairness. I believe in equal respect. In fact, I believe in equality to such an extreme that it harms me, because I see strangers as my equal: I believe that other people are like me, that they aren't shady, they are intelligent, I trust that others are benevolent and understanding and that their main goals in life are to be happy. And yet, that is not so. Everyone I know has two faces, myself included--I have the face that you see now, that is open and honest, and I have the face that wants so badly to have attention and be popular and famous and looked up to and respected and included.
But I cannot have that. I cannot be famous and respected and have the amount of attention that I need in a day/week/month/year. I cannot even have the attention of just one person or the full respect of one person. And I realize now that the reason I can't have that is because I refuse to give up my beliefs. I refuse to believe that we aren't all equals--men, women, regardless of skin color, regardless of age, regardless of religion. I refuse to believe that we aren't all equals working towards the same things. I refuse to believe that we aren't all at the same level of confidence and motivation, that we don't all work the same way internally or that we aren't all going through the same general things.

They say that freedom never was free. That equality never was free. And that someone had to die for my freedom. Well. I suppose the person who has to die for MY freedom is myself. The person who has to die for my beliefs is Me. So I'm going to die in a sense. I'm going to give up that part of me that I have no control over, that part of me that is casing me so much problems. The part that says: I WANT your friendship, I WANT people in my life, I WANT respect and popularity and all that. No. From here on out all I care about is me and my freedom. I'll do what I want, when I want where I want say what I want and call out anyone I want. I'm no longer going to present any fake part of myself --not that I do anyway--but now I'm not going to care if people are disappointed in me, if people say stupid shit to guilt me into things, or have critical opinions of me. I don't get a damn. The person who did give a damn about what society cares about, the person who cared about being a part of society. He died so that I could live freely.

So Fuck You all (not you...because you're reading this) but fuck everyone else and their moms.

In fact, I'll be honest here. The main reason I write is because I want to be heard, because no one in the real world gives a shit about what I say. No one gives a shit about what I do. They won't even give me negative attention anymore. Am I the boy who cries wolf? Who knows. But I do know that a handful of people read my blog--a handful or less. Or maybe it' sjust one other person out there who comes back several times. I don't know. But there ARE people who read this blog. And there are people who read my other blogs.

So fuck the world of everyone else. I don't care anymore. I just want to live alone, in peace, and people better contribute to my life and be nice or just stay out of my way.

Chats with Courtney: Leadership vs Alphas

Courtney came over to see my new puppy and here is my recount of what we talked about:

Courtney: You have an adorable puppy! Can I have her?
Kyle: Hah, no.
C: She's really obedient for only 10 weeks.
K: Definitely. I've been working with her a lot, plus she's a smart dog. My breeder gave me a bunch of articles and I've read a bunch of books in preparation.
C: Whatever you're doing, she's learning! --How's your book coming?
K: It's great.--I told you I'm finished with a first draft, right?--a very rough draft.
C: Ya, I heard. What's it about again?
K: Communication, Relationships, and Conflict Management.
C: You sound like you have that line memorized.
K: I do. It's the best way to describe the book. It's mostly about relationships and how to have great relationships in these modern times, but I cover a lot of topics like love, marriage, life, peace, happiness, values, the human condition, leadership--
C: I'm sure it'll be great when it's finished. Can you give me an example of anything you talk about?
K: Not off the top of my head--like, I don't have any of it memorized and just as well with how much revision I need to do--it's easier to kill it if I need to get rid of it because I'm not so attached...but, maybe I'll bring this up: I talk about how communication is really what makes a great leader and that learning the skills and theory that I present in the book is going to also make you a good leader. However, reading the books I have on dogs I don't think people really understand the concept of a leader...
C: How so?
K: Well, a few of the books and articles I've read about dogs directly use the term "leader" but they're referring to the pack leader--obviously--and of course they aren't going to talk about what a real leader is because to be a leader of humans is different from that of a dogs.
C: Okay..and your point is? --I mean, you're reading about dogs not human leadership.
K: Yes, but I've noticed something interesting about people and dogs--basically, you can apply the same principles to humans as you do dogs.
C: Kyle, I don't mean to be rude, but you're basically saying to treat people like dogs.
K: I am.
C: ...like animals.
K: Yes.
C: That seems beneath the human race, but go on.
K: I honestly think that's what 99% of our present leaders do, and that's why it's hard to find a great leader.
C: Please explain...
K: The key thread that I see from reading as many books about both topics: dogs and leadership, is that people want to be treated like dogs. They don't want to think for themselves, they just want to be taken care of like a dog is taken care of by its master.
C: ...I'm with you so far...
K: ...Then there is the dominance thing.
C: Dominance? --like...people want to be dominated?
K: --in a sense, yes! See, dogs want to have a clear understanding of their place in the hierarchy. It makes them less stressed because if they think they are above a human, they have to maintain order in the pack and that means fighting against the human will.--dogs aren't naturally aggressive, they get that way when they think it's their only option in order to maintain discipline.
C: Equate that in human terms...what makes you think humans are this way?
K: Humans don't want to be leaders, but when the leaders don't establish themselves in a way that makes them appear a leader--or appear the alpha--then the underlings think it is their responsibility to get aggressive--not always physically aggressive, because our physical prowess isn't our greatest attribute, but verbally.
C: Ahhh. I see.--
K: --there's more: I read that dogs assume the leader--the alpha--holds eye contact the longest, enters and exists the room first and expects the pack to follow, and doesn't give anything unless they get something from the pack first because it helps maintain their alpha status.--reminds me a lot of religious leaders, or the guys that girls want to be with.
C: Hahahahhahahha.
K: Yes, it's humorous but, don't you see the truth of it?
C: Maybe a little. I mean I see a lot of girls act crazy over a guy who treats them like a puppy...
K: --That's not real leadership. It's alpha leadership but it's not legitimate and is more a form of manipulation than leadership.
C: Ok, I agree. I think people can be a little like dogs to their leaders and when the leader is bad the dog--the individual is undisciplined as well. --This is a very interesting topic that maybe we could talk about some other time and make it on your blog?
K: Absolutely!

Chats with Courtney: Our Selfish Pursuit of Relationships

"Courtney" read my previous article with her in it and she was impressed and wanted to have another go at it, so she called to chat for a while and then I rewrote it and edited out the parts i didnt like--sorry, its not word-for-word, but its basically the same, and she approved of the final draft!

Courtney: What do you want to talk about?
Kyle: I want to hear your opinion on friendship--what do you think most people think about it?--basically, anything you can tell me about it.
C: wow, I didn't think you would put me on the spot like this; I was expecting something easy.
K: Don't worry, friend, you are the smartest woman I know, if you don't know what to say then it was a dumb question for me to have asked.
C: Ok. Well, I think people think friendship is highly desirable. --I've read your blog, I know what you say about love--well, I think that love is crucial for friendship, but maybe not necessary. What was it you said was love again?
K: Love is when you have a sincere interest in someone else's future--whether you are a part of it or not, you want them to succeed at whatever they devote their life to.
C: Right! So maybe that's what makes a best friend: someone who loves you and still sticks around.
K: So friendship is sticking around?
C: ...Maybe--Yes, that's what it is.
K: --And in your opinion most people desire friendship above many other things?
C: Absolutely. People talk about it all the time.--they tell you to marry your friend, that good friends are hard to come by, and everybody brags about how ideal their friendships are.
K: Interesting. Let me just relay everything back to you that you told me: Friendship is sticking around, and the best friendships are those where there is an aspect of sincere interest in the future of both people?
C: Sounds good. Are we done?
K: No, because I'm not satisfied.
C: About what?
K: Why do people ever leave? Doesn't that make them a bad friend?
C: Of course. But people don't care about whether they are a bad friend, just that they have good friends.
K: Isn't that a tad bit...selfish?
C: Yes, but everyone is that way.
K: Are you that way?
C: Of course--why do you think I asked to do this blog with you!--I want to be famous, I want to be heard, and you make me feel like my opinion matters.--Just kidding, don't write that (I did anyway!)
K: The Truth comes out!
C: --I tried to tell you this a few weeks ago when I said that you were "too helpful--" you're available for everyone, you care about people and you have a way of making people feel like you're interested in them.
K: Well, I am interested in them.
C: You definitely have the "sincerity" part down.--You are the ideal friend.
K: Now you're pushing the envelope, I'm trying to be serious!
C: Well, I AM being serious
K: Okay then, How do you know that I'm "the ideal friend?"
C: I just said it: You're smart, you're funny, you're available, you're a good listener and you're sincere, I can tell that you care--
K: --but how do you know if anyone else is?
C: You can tell--there's like a vibe that you get from people.
K: A vibe? haha, sorry but I don't believe in the mystical.
C: No, what I mean is that you connect--
K: --Again with the voodoo.
C: Ok, whatever. ... It's those things I mentioned: Being around you makes me feel like I'm heard. You ask me questions and you add to the conversation--we have actual conversations and I'm not just talking to myself.
K: Is that friendship?
C: No, I think that you can have all kinds of friends, friends who listen to you, friends who you hang out with for fun, friends who stimulate your mind and push you to think, friends who motivate you when you`re being lazy.
K: It almost sounds like you use your friends, Courtney....
C: Don't joke, I'm being serious!
K: No, hear me out and please don't take this offensively: those things you mentioned are all about you. --Do people ever have friends for the other person's sake?
C: That is an excellent question...I...almost want to say "no."
K: OK,THAT'S what I wanted to talk about--What's your reasoning, because I can think of a few reasons?
C: HAHahahahaha. <she literally laughed for 30 seconds> ...You lead me here this whole conversation.
K: So? Doesn't this illustrate my point that we use our friends?--No, really, do people ever have friends for the sake of their friend?
C: I don't think so. I think people have either an expectation to get something out of their friend or they get fed up with their friends and leave.
K: So then if someone is boring and useless they probably don't have friends?
C: If they don't have any money, then I think that is a fair statement.
K: --The other day my friend T told me people were too selfish to be the way they once were 100 years ago, and I refuse to believe that is the case. --I believe that they are more selfish, but not that they have to be--but like we talked about, I live in a fantasy world where I think people are more ideal than they really are.
C: Can we continue this later? This gives me a lot to think about

A few weeks later

K: Can we continue, I wrote up the first part of our conversation?
C: Ya, I've thought about it and I think that a lot of my friendships --I know it's bad of me to say this--are selfish relationships, but I realized there were a few that I would say are more "sympathy" relationships.
K: Can you define that for my blog?
C: Those would be relationships that you feel sorry for the person so you stick around and try to do things for them, like my friend B that I told you about who is trying to get out of drugs...
K: Ya, I told you to be careful because he's draining you.
C: That's not what you said but we can say that for your blog. He's "draining me," sure, but not really. I think he drains me in one way but not in others, if that makes sense. In other ways he makes me feel good about myself.
K: because you're better than him?
C: No, because I think I make a difference in his life and he tells me that--you have friends like that, I'm sure.
K: Fair enough, but do you see where this is leading?--It's leading to us a point where we have to say that the only reason we form relationships is because we're self-serving. We make friends like B who we are "Sympathetic" to, but really we get something out of it--we get the self-esteem boost that we're valued and that we help people. If you felt like your self-worth was amazing and you were highly valued do you think you would still be his friend?
C: Yes.
K: How so?
C: Because I am a sympathetic person. Because my conscious would feel bad if I didn't help someone that needed my help.
K: SEE!
C: ...shit. I see.
K (Courtney, I have to say it for the blog): You have that relationship because you have a need to not feel bad and to feel like you are helping people in need.
K: I don't think there is anything wrong with this. I think it's fine to only form relationships because you want to fulfill your needs, but I think a line needs be drawn when it comes to expectations and blame.
C: huh?
K: Expectations--when someone in a relationship expects something from you because they have been doing things for you. And Blame--when someone blames you for something that happened to them.
C: I don't follow...
K: Well, if you are dating two people at the same time and one is putting out and the other isn't and they find out about each other and you say, "Well, I wasn't really singling myself to either of you."
C: Ummm... Kyle? I don't think that is acceptable.
K: I don't see anything "wrong" with dating two people at the same time. Nor do I see a problem with having sex with multiple people--as long as they know that they aren't the only one.
C: That's where we differ, and if you venture into that territory you have to find your own path.
K: That's the thing! I have! See, it works like this: If we're all out to selfishly fill our own needs, and one of those needs is sex, and one person won't put out but another will, then I don't see anything wrong with that. But when the one who isn't putting out says, "I want to get serious" and she says she wants to take the relationship to another level and include sex and she doesn't know about the other one, then I have to tell her about the other one and I have to make a decision and hope that she isn't offended if I don't chose her or the other one get offended. Like...the expectation of girl A should be that if I haven't agreed to date only her or have sex with only her and if she hasn't asked me about it, then she should be okay with me having sex with people. My family is okay with it, you're okay with it, everyone's okay with it. But if Girl A hasn't put any thought into it that maybe I'm seeing other people or maybe I'm having sex with other people, I shouldn't be penalized for her not thinking about it--for her having ungrounded expectations, I shouldn't be blamed.
C: I understand now, and even though I don't agree with these principles because I'm married and love my husband and wouldn't cheat on him, I'll go along with your argument.
K: So that's basically my point: that you shouldn't have expectations of the relationship--if girl A is just a friend, she shouldn't have expectations that I can just drop everything the moment she wants more. ANNNNNnnd. I shouldn't be blamed by Girl A for her finding out about Girl B. If anything, Girl B could blame me for cutting her off, but not really because that would be her expecting me to keep her as my only sex partner when I wouldn't agree to something like that unless she was a 'real' girlfriend.
C: You're such a cheater. No wonder you haven't gotten married.
K: Don't be silly. I've never cheated in my life.
C: This sure sounds like it.
K: It's not. I am very faithful and very upfront about this aspect of my life if I have sex with someone I make a point to ask them if they're having sex with other people and inform them that I'm not having sex with anyone else somewhere along the line in our conversation leading up to it.
C: So it's not cheating then?
K: No, it's not cheating unless you agree to certain rules about not having sex with other people or not getting emotionally attached to other people or who knows what else.--and then you have to break those rules.
C: This is very risque--it sounds like you're justifying cheating.
K: I'm not! And besides, if we form relationships to meet our needs and those needs aren't being met, what do you suggest people do?
C: Not cheat! --break up before you cheat!
K: That seems like nonsense. You can't meet all of your needs with just one person.
C: Maybe you can't.
K: --I don't know if you're saying that I have incredibly complex needs, or if you're saying that because you're married your husband meets ALL of your needs.
C: Yes.
K: Ok...both--If your husband meets all of your needs then you don't need friends and you definitely don't need to talk to me ever--so why do you then, because that breaks our little theory about forming relationships to fulfill needs--AND, I will knowingly admit that I have complex needs that I doubt one person could fulfill on their own unless they were a goddess.
C: At least you admit it--I suppose...that I could admit too that my husband doesn't meet ALL of my needs, but he meets the important ones.
K: Fair enough. And that's what you ask for, isn't it? --a husband who meets the important needs, and friends who pick up the slack everywhere else? --I have to hand it to your husband, he's a great guy for letting you talk to me. Really. I'm being honest. I like him even though I don't really know him.
C: You're welcome to hang out with him if you'd like, but he's into things you probably aren't.
K: That's okay. Besides, I think he'd be the one to decide if I was "welcome to hang out with him"
C: You have my permission. Not that it means anything. He's an adult and can do what he wants.
K: Can we agree on those two things then: That we form relationships to fill our needs, and that we shouldn't have expectations unless we specifically talk about things first?
C: Yes, but I don't know why you invited me to talk and then you made all of the points and changed my mind.
K: Sorry, in the future I'll let you say something--that is...if you'll do this again?
C: I will, but next time I'm going to pick the topic and try to lead you to agree with me.

We all Live a Life of Fantasy

I'm going to transcribe (paraphrasing) a conversation I had with a friend (who I'm going to call Courtney to spare her name) the other day. 

Kyle: I'm kind of fed up with how people can't be upfront and real with me.

Courtney: What do you mean?

K: I dunno, I think I just have too many people in my life that expect a lot out of me without really doing anything for me in return

C: ...I didn't want to tell you this, but I've noticed that you're too helpful--

K: --My other friend M said that. 

C: Ya, and don't you think M takes advantage of you?

K: No...not really.

C: He does.

K: How?

C: It just seems that everything you do with him is his idea--like he needs someone to do things with and because you're available he calls on you because you're down for anything.

K: ... Fine, you got me there. So what should I do then?

C:  Well does that bother you--that he uses you because you're available?

K: Not usually...because I am "available."

C: Then don't do anything--nothing wrong.

K: Ok--I see that you just change the subject to make me quit complaining. 

C: Excuse me?

K: I said I was fed up with people not being upfront or real and somehow we started talking about being taken advantage of unknowingly.

C: haha, You started into this. I was just pointing out an observation.

K: Ok, but what do you have to say about what I said?

C: About?

K: That people aren't upfront?

C: I think you're right, but there's nothing that can be done about it.

K: But WHY? --Why can't people be upfront? --I do! I'm not afraid to tell people things about myself or whether I want to go along with them or not.

C: Do you?

K: I think so?

C: What about that time I invited you to go to Zeppes and you went along but you really didn't want to and you acted like a butt the whole time. Then when we left you told me that you just didn't feel comfortable.

K: ... Eh... OK... So I do it too.--but that's not really what I was referring to. --I'm sorry.

C: It's fine. We're friends.

K: --See THAT is what I'm talking about.

C: What?

K: That even though I was being an asshole you were still my friend.

C: Haha, that's because you manipulated me.

K: How do you mean?

C: You're always manipulating me. Everything you say you try to get me closer to you. 

K: You don't like it?

C: No, I like it, haha, but I'm just saying that you have a way to making people get close to you. We have pretty deep conversations sometimes and I tell you a lot of my secrets because I trust you--and it's like I can totally tell that you listen to me and understand me.

K: Thanks.

C: I'm serious...not many people are like you--when I told you that you're "too helpful," that's what I meant--so I wasn't really leading you off-topic. You are just a benefit to everyone because you know how to have a real conversation with people and make them feel valued. 

K: Then why do people leave me...so suddenly. 

C: I really can't explain that--I think people just panic sometimes. 

K: But why? What am I doing to make people panic?

C: It's kinda hard being around you Kyle.

K: Why?

C: Because you've got your life figured out. You "have your shit together," as they say.--I'm really impressed by you.--And worst of all, you're real. Other people your age are so concerned with being seen as "cool" or that they're the hottest thing next to white bread--but they really aren't. 

K: Ok, I see where you're going...

C: Ya, it's nerve racking really because you're so hot all the time and you're nice and you're available and you're stable, and what am I? <conversation removed to protect identity>

K: Well fuck my life! What am I supposed to do about this? Be like everyone else? Be like everyone I don't want to be like? Be anything other than myself?--I'm just being myself!

C: Just keep being you, please. Knowing you, I know I like real people better than fake ones. 

K: ..Sorry, I'm just really frustrated right now.

C: I can tell. 

K: I think sometimes I live a life of fantasy--sometimes I think people are like me and it makes me upset when they aren't the way I think they should be.

C: You can't be too critical of people.

K: I know.--I just see the way people can be because I'm that way and it's not hard for me and I think the world would be better if people were that way.

C: We all dream, hon. Dreaming isn't bad, in fact, I think it's good most of the time--all the time, really. The bad part is when you start to apply your dreams to reality and people don't want that.

K: People don't want my dreams.

C: Ok...Cynical.

K: --No, really what were you referring to?

C: ...Well, you put me in a difficult position.

K: How so?

C: If I tell you that you should keep your dreams to yourself, then I have to be the girl that trashes people's dreams; but if I say never give up your dreams, then I give you liberty to force your dreams on people who don't want them.

K: Don't answer that. We'll have to think about it first. 

C: --I don't want to think about it. Part of me wants to say to never give up on your dreams and to let yourself be taken away by the little fantasies that you make up in your head, because it makes life exciting, but I don't know that you can always live in a fantasy.

K: What does the other part of you want to say?

C: It wants to say that you shouldn't crush people's dreams because it can ruin good people.

K: I agree with that. Maybe that's why I'm so ruined.

C: Oh stop, you're not ruined. Look at your life.

K: Ya. I've got everything. Woop -D-doo!--I don't have what I want

C: That's because you want what you can't have.

K: Why can't I have it?

C: Because you think too much.

K: What do you propose I do instead?

C: Don't think. Just feel.

K: I do that too. 

C: oK, you feel too much too!--My head hurts. You make life an enigma because you think too much and need to feel more and then you feel too much and need to think more. I don't know what to say you are.

K: --but whatever it is, don't do it!

C: --Right!

C: I think I want to answer the question now.

K: Okay.

C: I think we should live our dreams--I think you live in dreamland too and that's your problem.--you want things to be perfect like they are in your fantasies.--Don't worry, I get you, so I don't think there is really a problem with it. I think you want people to be nice to you because you're nice to them and I think they want you to be nice to them because they feel entitled to it. I think you can apply this to pretty much everything, Kyle. You care about equality--too much about it really. You want to be equals with people who are your inferior and so it never works out--it would be different if you wanted to be equals with people who were better than you, but you don't. You keep hanging around people like me who live paycheck to paycheck, and for people like me, it's ok, but people who are conscious of living paycheck to paycheck it's bad because to them they think they have to compete and be somebody they aren't and pretend they're on the same level as you are. --I think people would trade anything to be in your situation--

K:--but they dont, otherwise they WOULD be where I am.

C: True. Maybe people think they would trade anything to have their fantasies fulfilled, but only you have been dedicated enough to do it so far. 

K: I think it depends on what dreams you're referring to.

C: I think you haven't had time to fulfill those dreams.--you took care of the other dreams.

K: Fair enough. So you're saying I should take care of my other dreams now.

C: The world is yours, friend, you just have to fantasize about it for a little bit and I'm sure you'll make it happen.