For those of you who know me, personally, you know that I've been engaged 3 times and I have in my possession a ring. You may even know that growing up I intended to marry and some of you may know I intended to have a Mormon temple marriage. Now, I have no intentions of such a marriage.
Of my three engagements, all three young women abandoned me. The first didn't call off our engagement, but she ceased communication with me after I told her I thought we weren't ready and needed to take some more time before we officially married--I don't know what happened to her. The second left me because she thought I wasn't conducive to the lifestyle she wanted--I don't wish to talk about the matter of her because it was too twisted for me to make an official statement about right now. The third ended our engagement for reasons unknown--she told me that she didn't want to have to push me to go to the temple with her and I assume she expected to marry a perfect Mormon--Had she been my first fiancee rather than my third I think she would have been more than happy with me, but I'm no Mormon. I should hope that my readers believe I am better than that now.
I have a terrible time confronting my family about this, mainly for three reasons: because I don't see it as any of their business whether I am a mormon or not--I don't think I should have to give them a reason for my decisions; I have already investigated their arguments and don't see them as valid; and because my official statement on the matter is too persuasive and not subject to interpretation--you may disagree with me.
But now that I have spent the last few hours contemplating this and other things, I think I will address them--though, I'm not going to address them, (I'm going to address the world and whether my immediate family reads this or not, oh well), I'm going to address the comments (the weak arguments). Perhaps this will give me the courage to confront them (the people) in person, however I would rather the people around me maintain their innocence until they venture into the right questions--if they want to know, I'd be happy to help them explore, but if not, I'm not too concerned.
Marriage and Me.
To me, marriage is a commitment to share a lifestyle with another individual and to preserve established power. Nothing more.
I find people's claims to be silly who say that they married out of love--if you loved each other then you wouldn't need to prove it to them--or to society, for that matter. I interpret such people as insecure in their love--they fear that their beloved will leave them so they insist on marrying them to make sure that leaving would be difficult for them. --I'll have none of that. I have found that the best relationships exist without any pressure to hold them together. Without pressure holding them together both parties are willingly in it together.
And for those who say that marriage is for children. Fie on them. They think they marry so that they have someone to share the responsibility with, but anymore, society will force you to share the burden of raising your children. Legally, whether you are married or not you will have to pay child support. Socially, if you are known as a deadbeat mom or deadbeat dad you get stifled and stigmatized. On the other hand, it doesn't take a marriage for you to be a good parent. Statistics on the subject are vague--don't believe what scientists are claiming until you check out their experiments because the statistics I have seen aren't testing the right hypothesis' in their research. Children benefit when the parents aren't always in conflict, they benefit when they are informed and have good relationships with both parents. To say that you should only have kids with your spouse doesn't address the real issue: rather, you should only have kids with a mature adult who will respect you even when they disagree with you and who has the courage and enough life responsibility to want to form a relationship with their children--whether they are married to you or not.
Do I need to bring up marrying into wealth? It's irresponsible to think you can marry for a golden ticket in life. Everyone these days seems to know this so I'm not going to address it. Can you see why I wouldn't want to marry just anyone--me with my familial connections to wealth, my own acquired wealth, and my continual income. I see no reason to marry into wealth myself and no reason to give up my wealth either at this point in my life.
Legally, marriage is the union of two people to combine everything they own. It is how we combine property without having to gift it or pay some kind of taxes on it. If you want to talk about the supreme method for getting around death taxes let me fill you in on a little secret: Have your elderly grandparent marry an individual on his or her deathbed. After they die, have that individual then marry you (in some states gay marriage IS legal, so this works for any scenario now). Viola!~ You obtain possession of everything your grandparent owned and you didn't have to pay taxes on it. If you didn't want to stay married to that individual, you could have them write a prenup deeding you everything at a divorce, then divorce them after paying them off at a rate of anything less than 50% (because death tax is at or greater than 50%). Stupid. Society is Stupid.
Back to what I see marriage as: 1) sharing a lifestyle 2) preserving power (ie. wealth, social status, family secrets, etc.) I think the above paragraph addresses part 2.
Marriage is sharing a lifestyle. Since society is so confining on what they expect out of a married couple and what benefits they will provide them (how about taxes?), I simply have to conclude that marriage is about sharing a lifestyle. You get married to obtain or preserve a certain lifestyle. The person you marry should share common traditions and values (a jewish family typically marries a jewish family and preserves traditions, mormons marry mormons and preserve mormon traditions and values), wealth (upper class individuals marry others from the upper class, lower class people marry the lower class, etc), people even marry other people who share common interests (drag racing families marry other drag racing families, cowboys marry cowgirls and boys, hunters marry gun toting or at least supportive individuals, etc).
So it comes down to this:
Where the hell am I going to find someone else who wants to share my lifestyle? Where the hell am I going to find someone who I can trust to preserve my own heritage of power?
My power comes from the present--what I earn through communicating with friends and family, and at this time, I can't pass that on. I'm also not independently wealthy--I can support myself and I'm saving up for the future, but not enough to really interest anyone on account of my wealth. At the rate I am going, I can expect to live a happy life and then die, leaving no buried treasure chests.
And my lifestyle?
My lifestyle is a life of work and thought. My vacations are work--I go camping, I go outdoors and expend all my energy, I get exhausted. I enjoy working on a garden, working on a cabin in the mountains. It would seem I work a day job just so I have the money and freedom of working a part-time business that I enjoy. I work to build a fire, pitch a tent, haul my ass off, do things the hard way, and hit the pillow on the weekends sore and exhausted. --I love this kind of life. I cram into the back of a stuffed car, I get into situations with family and friends where I pile on responsibility to perform, and when I help my friends and family it could be said that I am put out. --You could say my whole life I'm put out; but no. I don't say that. I enjoy when people need my help digging a trench, need me to tend their animals, need me to waste my time listening to their sob stories.
I enjoy simple things--we're talking really simple things--we're talking that 15 min break I took after laying flooring and baseboard and then sneaking off to take a nap on the porch away from everyone else who was still working and I was lounging in the sun. I would say I earned that break, though most people take vacations so they can spend an extra 40 hours on break. To lounge around for 40 hours and not have responsibilities and not work. Fuck 'em.
When you cut society down into four criteria: female, self-confident and comfortable and attractive (I lump this together because people who are self-confident make themselves attractive), loves to work and waste time and expend energy and not relax for too long and live like a cave woman and work some more and get yelled at and be fine with everything and be under stress and work, and then you throw on: will marry for free--you get a very small number of people.How many people want this? How many people would want to marry me solely because they wanted to share the exciting life I live? To most people my life doesn't sound exciting. --interesting? perhaps. But exciting? Now, perhaps you know someone who meets 3 of these categories, now ask them if they'd put up with it knowing the only thing they stood to gain from it was what they gained from my relationship with them. None so far.
I mentioned in the beginning 3 reasons, one for each person, why I'm not married right now. I suppose you could sum it up like this: the first, when I told her that we were too young and needed to work at our relationship more before getting married--she ran at the sight of this lifestyle! The second, clearly, didn't want this lifestyle, it was too much work for her and she wanted a life with more leisure. The third? She didn't want to work either--because in her mind she thought getting me to be a Mormon would take a lot of work.
--I'm sure this comes across as over simplification, but if I told you the real background of these individuals you would be persuaded that it really does come down to lifestyle differences.
When I have spare time that I'm not working for a living, I spend it working for pleasure. I get pleasure and satisfaction from working on projects that I want to work on. When I'm not working for pleasure, I'm doing things that require high energy, strength, endurance, and a little bit of fearlessness.
When my relatives or my acquaintances ask my why I'm not married yet, or when I am going to get married, it puts me in an awkward situation, just like if someone asked me, "why aren't you a millionaire yet?" or "When are you going to vacation in Europe?"--I don't have any present plans to vacation in Europe, nor do I care to become a millionaire, nor do I plan on getting married at this time. I know no one other than myself who enjoys the lifestyle I live--that's why I live it and no one else does...
Weird.
Weird.
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