Chats with Courtney: Helping Others

I made the above diagram to help explain the topic of our discussion:

Kyle: Courtney, I need you to spot check the logic behind this.
Courtney: Okay? What's the topic?
K: Helping people.
C: Oh, I like helping people!
K: Good, because I want your help. First off, is it fair to say that you can break people into two categories: Need help, or don't need help?
C: Sure that's basic.
K: What about can you also overlap those with: Want help and don't want help?
C: Sure.
K: is there anything I'm missing?
C: I don't think so. --I could be wrong but I don't think there are any outliers to this.
K: Ok, so where they overlap you get 4 categories of people: A) People who don't want help and don't need it. B) People who don't want help but need it. C) People who want help but don't need it, and D) people who want help and need help.  With me so far? (see diagram above)
C: Yes.
K: Well, this is the part I want you to really spot check to make sure I'm not missing anything: People who fall into category A, if you try to help them and they don't need nor want your help, they will probably resent you and maybe withdraw from you.
C: I can see that--You might find someone who is a pushover that avoids conflict, but by and large most people will probably do that.
K: And if you try to help someone in category B, who don't want your help but need it, then they might do the same thing--there is the potential that they'll change their mind after it's over, but they'll resent you the whole way and maybe withdraw from you and it will definitely change the relationship, but hopefully your help will improve their life and in time they will see it.
C: That sounds right. Particularly with friends I have had whose kids got into drugs and they had to do some drastic things in order to get their kid to get back on the right path. The kid resented them but it was for their own good...
K: --With category C, you can help these people, but they don't really need you to do it. They'll appreciate you, but when it comes down to it they are either letting you help them because they want you to feel integrated to their life, or because they are lazy.
C: That sounds like the best so far... minus that it's a drag if they are lazy.
K: Yes, I agree. That's the best of the four categories in my opinion but the potential is there that they are merely relying on you because they are too lazy to do it themselves.
C: Right...but what about the last category?
K: So category D... People who need help and want help. I think on the surface these sound like the ideal one, because when you help them, you are doing a good thing, plus they want your help and will appreciate you--BUT, the problem is that if you help them, then they never learn to do it themselves. They never learn to figure things out on their own and they become dependent on you into the future. After all, what motivation would they have to do it for themselves if they could get you to do it for them?
C: I agree with that...mostly. But I don't think EVERYONE would become dependent...some people naturally want to do things on their own, and they just need a little help in the present.
K: Possibly...but those people are far and few. In fact, the only person I know of who is that way is myself...and I'm not so sure that I'm ALWAYS that way.
C: Right...Well cool. This all makes sense to me so far. What prompted this?
K: I went through a bit of depression a week ago--actually, it was a month or two spiraling down into depression and a brief stint of depression when it all culminated--and it was all related to this topic. I just couldn't shake this feeling that people were taking advantage of me, or they weren't appreciating me enough or valuing me enough, or that they were becoming dependent on me and not giving me time to take care of myself and expecting too much from me, or when I'd try to help them because they needed help they'd resent me for it and withdraw from me and reject me. It wasn't a good feeling, and at the time I didn't have an objective perspective of this to make sense of it.
C: And you do now?
K: Yes. Now I realize a few things because of this: First, I realize that I shouldn't get involved with category A people--I already knew that, but it's easy to forget sometimes when you get lost in your mind. Second, I realized that if I intend to help category D people, I need to accept that there is a very real possibility that they will become dependent on me and that I will have to carry my load, plus their load--I can't hold out for them to suddenly not be dependent on me because it may never happen, and at times they may be ungrateful because they feel entitled. So if I intend to help people who need my help, I need to make sure that I am comfortable with helping them forever with that thing, and if not, then I won't help them.
C: That seems fair...though doesn't that become a little frustrating when you see people who need help but you can't help them because of that?
K: Absolutely! And that's the same for category B people--They don't want your help but they need it, and if I decide to help them then I have to accept that they will probably resent me, not be grateful for it, and may even end our friendship because of it--temporarily or permanently. --Or they could also become dependent on me with or without the resentment still there. Helping people who need it is a difficult thing for sure! I like what pitbull says "Ask for money, get advice, ask for advice, get money twice."
C: Which means...?
K: If you ask for money, people ought to just give you advice on how to make money, because if you give them money they keep coming back and they'll be ungrateful either way--ungrateful because you didn't give them waht they want and ungrateful because they start to feel entitled. Whereas if they come asking for advice on how to make money, you can be a little more liberal, give them advice, give them money to help get started, and then they can make money because they take the advice to heart.--money twice.
C: Oh, I get it. Cool.  What about the other category, what are you going to do about those?
K: Category C?... I have decided to do a situation check: if at the time I feel like helping them, I'll help them, if not I'll say no. --Mostly that is based on the situation of if I am busy doing something else.--I love to help people, and if they want my help and want to involve me in their life, then sure, I'll help them, do them favors, give them advice, etc etc. --If I like them that is. In fact, all of this is contingent on me liking the person, and I'll admit that I'm partial to people. I'm not going to help someone if I don't like them--I have to first find something about them I like, which is difficult with some people.
C: Kyle, you're so selfish.
K: No, I'm a very loving and giving person...if I like them. And I like and love more people than you might think.
C: I'm just kidding. I've seen you and the way you love. It's very free and warm.
K: That's why I went into a sort of depression though... At times I don't have control over who I love. I fell in love with a girl at the grocery store who I only talked to periodically and knew very little about, but I knew that I wanted her to get over the things she was going through--and I felt bad when I'd check out and could tell she was having a bad day.
C: I think you're just abnormally empathetic...Plus, like I said, you love freely and don't let things get in the way of loving--which is very admirable.
K: Thanks. So now that I am able to wrap my head around what is bothering me, I have a plan for how to resolve it. I know better in what situations to step in and help or give of myself, and in what situations I simply cannot help. --I'm okay with people being dependent on my sometimes--I'm able to get my needs met pretty quickly and so from that point I can help others in exchange for whatever...but with other things I definitely can't allow it to happen. Understanding this has made me a whole lot more at peace with life and feeling like I am in control again, which is great!
C: Good to hear! I love you Kyle, you're such a good friend and an inspiration. Thank you!




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Closing notes:
After writing out the conversation again, I realized something interesting: 
Loving people, giving of yourself, and helping other people is always going to be more drawback than good. You may never get thanked, you will either be sapped dry by their dependencies, or they will feel entitled to you. The only people who will consistently thank you and appreciate you are those who don't need your help--so you may face the thought that "you're not needed." But hey, that's okay! It's good actually. To not be needed and yet still wanted in their life is a wonderful thing. People who are fully independent and capable and yet want you in their life are the best lovers, trust me. They have no ulterior motives, and even if they are lazy, that's okay too because if you have the time and resources to spare, it's not really a burden on you, and if you don't then you can tell them to do it and persuade them to get off their lazy and do it. I like category C people.

Lessons learned from today

I'm exhausted of sorts.

I went to bed and woke up depressed this morning and it's been a real battle--the last couple months have been a battle--the last few years have been a battle and I broke down and hit that depressed point.

Right now, I feel fine--minus the mental/physical/emotional drain that depression has on a person, but I'm back to normal now. I know this. I'm back to normal and it's a good feeling.


But since I'm looking at this now in terms of being a battle, a battle that I ultimately won, I want to point out a few things I learned/realized from today and the last couple of weeks when it has been its worst:
1. The war isn't over. This is a battle, and victory came to me in terms of gaining greater understanding. To win the war, I'm gonna have to make some changes or at least position myself to where I can catch some "naturally falling fruit"
2. I'm not so crazy after all, because a few other people have admitted to me that they are this way as well. And it hit me that there are serveral songs that basically say exactly what I've been thinking today.
3. I have problems--but not really. My problems are insignificant. I'm a pretty cool cat, have my life in order--pay all my bills, have control over myself, don't have serious baggage (I can only think of two things people might say are my baggage, and this is one of them). I'm not being an idiot, I'm not over dramatic, I'm just acting the way any natural human being would.
4. And not only do I have very minor problems, I have a lot to offer people--if only people knew!
5. Here it is: My depression has been caused by my desire to love and be loved. Since I don't have control over the "to be loved" part, that's fine, I can accept that. But I OUGHT to have control over my loving others right? --wrong. That's why it's such a huge conflict for me.
6. I can't love people the way I want to love them because of the boundaries they put up. When I want to express my love for someone, I have to do it in a way that is socially acceptable. I have to do it in a way that that individual won't be hurt by my loving them. I even have to do it in a way that won't scare them.
7. People are often scared of me and repelled by me because I love them freely. It sucks, it's something to complain about, but I don't want it to affect my life. It works like this: people aren't used to being loved the way that I love them--they're used to people loving them conditionally and even when the conditions are right, they don't always benefit from it. But then I come along and I flat out make up excuses to love them. I make up reasons why I think they deserve a hug or why I think I should spend time with them or why I should give them a gift, or why I talk to them or help them with things.
8. Yes. I literally have to make up excuses, because people aren't comfortable with me just doing it because I want to do it.
9. For those people who aren't scared of me in the above sense, there are others who go into self-loathing because I love them. They have never been treated so well and they think they don't deserve it. They beat themselves up because they make comparisons between the way I treat them and the way they treat me, or comparisons between the way I treat them and the way they think they deserve to be treated. And suddenly they associate me with a low self-esteem.
10. Some people even go as far as to associate their low sense of self around me with my confident nature (and I think this explains why sometimes people think I'm arrogant, but I don't know for sure. )
11. For everyone else, let's call them the opportunists, they see me as a means to an end. They use me on account of my niceness.
12. They use me because I benefit them. And I'm okay with this--in fact, I prefer this to them being repelled by me (which is why I put up with such shitty friends sometimes). But I'd just as soon not have this--and I think this is the point that started my spiral into depression last week or so.
13. Spawning out of the three things that people do because I'm a loving person (put up walls and barriers because they aren't used to it and expect the other shoe to drop any second now and for there to be conditions behind it, or drifting into self-hate because they don't think they deserve my love and friendship, or straight up use me for their own gains), I boiled this down to a spectrum: On one hand I remain nice, on the other I become selfish.
14. If I continue to be nice, I should expect more of the same; people repelled by me or using me. It's a heart breaking experience to love someone who doesn't love you back, and to face the scorn of society as they question "why does he still hang around them if they treat him that way," and at times it's heart breaking to see someone use you as an excuse to hate themselves.
15. I don't like it when I am an excuse for others' pain, and I don't like facing heartbreak after heartbreak myself.
16. If I shift gears and become selfish, then I have to face the reality of isolation. I have to accept that no one is going to want to be around me and I have to face the unknown of how to meet those needs associated with loving and connecting to people--and I don't know that it is even possible.
17. I've been down both paths--I've been selfish and refused to give my love and I know it was miserable, so I left there long ago--it was miserable because not only was I not getting my needs met, but I also hated the person I had become.
18. I've been nice lately and I don't hate who I am. I hate how other people react to how I am. Which I think is improvement.
19. Sometimes the anticipation of becoming that self-centered bastard scares me into depression.
20. I do NOT want to be that self-centered bastard. So I need to lean more towards the nice side.
21. So the question becomes: how do I cope and balance a life of loving others with the obnoxious side of people putting up barriers and not letting me love them?

And that is where I need to take this so that the next battle I face, I come prepared and won't sweat bullets and hate life for being me--the unrestrained lover.

seeking understanding of self

November is the month of understanding, and I've started the month off with a quest to understand myself better. . .

I have been having some bad days over the last couple of weeks. I hit a few highs bit mostly a lot of lows. --I'm not too concerned, it will get better eventually, it always does. But, only after I do some serious work to make it better. In this case, I'm doing a lot of soul searching.

I know what I am passionate about now in life. Sometimes I just forget and then my life gets hollow and I don't approach life with the same positive mindset. I face major letdowns and let things eat at me.
It all came to a head just barely though.

I want someone to want me.

And I would give up everything for that, except I'm scared because it doesn't happen quick enough.
I take life at 90mph. It speeds by and I'm used to it and don't notice. But most people drive 25, which might actually be slower than my idle. So I have to break if I'm going to follow them, and if they follow me. They can't keep up.

Depressing, yes, but at least I can understand it now. I want you to want me, and it hurts my heart a little that you don't want me at the speed I want you.