What I'm about to say is very sensitive information. I have told several people bits and pieces of this information, but I haven't explored it from a bigger picture, and I haven't told everyone everything--like I'm about to do now.
This is a list of my last girlfriends post-college and why I am not with them anymore, as well as what I learned from the relationship. It may seem like a jab at these individuals, and perhaps it is, but I am fine with people assuming that I will talk poorly of them years down the road if things ended badly. I am over them; all of them, but one can never truly be over all of their past relationships. The best I can hope for is that the more I talk about them, the more free I am for my future relationships. People who know me best will realize that the things I share below are merely my opinions and views and do not represent my personal character.
In order of appearance:
BreAnn Hoffmann, though I knew her also as Bre Orton. Bre went to high school with me and we were mildly friends though I could never fully commit to any feelings with her because at that time of my life she was too weird for me.
While we were together, Bre cheated on me. Not just once, not just twice with the same person; but with multiple people all of the time. I raised/babysat her child from when he was one until he was almost two. She was still married initially, in a bad relationship where her husband would manipulate her, and she had recently had a child and planned to divorce her husband when I came in the picture. Because her husband had a tight hold on her, guilting her at every turn, threatening to pull her financial support out from under her, and various other things, I suppose Bre turned to me because I was safe and steady. I am aware that I am a very stable person--my emotions don't always fly off the handle, I make people comfortable around me, and I'm a very hopeful person; so I'm sure the appeal of being safe, with someone nice, attracted her somewhat.
I'm not perfect, and I realize now that there were times when I did get upset and emotional--after all, I kept discovering that she was cheating on me and I found it difficult to trust her. In any case, I think because I cannot do any more than any other human can do, I got her scared of me. She was scared that I would pull the rug out from under her the way that other people in her life did, and that initial safety she found in me dissipated.
She broke up with me. I had committed to work through everything she threw at me--I was somewhat arrogant at the time thinking that my ability to resolve conflicts would allow me to overcome anything and that I could make our relationship work. And, you know what, I think Bre actually gave me a lot of experience in resolving conflicts--real world experience that people pay good money for and I got it for free just by having my heart ripped out and smashed over and over and over.
I don't regret her breaking up with me. Initially, I wanted to get back together with her because I thought that somehow it was my fault, but over the years I have realized that I did everything I was capable of doing and that she was in the wrong--I don't normally attribute rightness or wrongness to people, but in this case, what she did was very wrong. Very very wrong.
I am at peace with this relationship and how it played out, how it ended. The benefits of it, the growth I made, the things I learned--they outweigh the bad things that happened. I would repeat this relationship if given the chance again, even knowing that I would ultimately fail and that it would end the way it ended. The only bad thing about this relationship was that I had grown too close to her son and when it was over, I never got to see him again. I kind of wonder how he will turn out--whether he will make it, or whether he will have problems, but I will never know the answer to this.
After Bre, came Brianna. Sadly, her last name escapes me. We weren't together very long, but if people wanted to do some digging I could say that her family is an Itallian family (long since came to the U.S.) her dad was an LDS bishop, they live in Layton and he owns a yardscaping company. Brianna helped me while I was remodeling my Taylorsville house--she painted with me, she kept me in good spirits so that I could do the work of a craftsman. Things were good, but we had a few conflicts and after my last relationship I had resolved not to bend as much.
Brianna wanted to be a stay at home mom. She was divorced and, sadly, depressed. She was a porn addict who sat at home playing the Sims all day and, well, watching porn regularly while she recovered from her divorce. Her parents desperately wanted her to be a Mormon girl and guilted her and planted all these wild ideas in her mind that diminished her self-esteem. I think that that is what brought us together, honestly. I am a builder. I build people up, I'm positive, and I've had enough experience in life to know and see what sorts of things drag people down and burden them. Her parents blamed her situation (she was divorced) on her wickedness. I thought that was the dumbest thing. She needed to be loved while she made her transformation, rebuilt her self-worth, and then succeeded at life.
She knew I wasn't going to be Mormon, I don't know how she felt about it--I believe she wanted me to join in churchness with her, but I wasn't ever going to. Through the course of the relationship, though it was only a few short months, I saw her get worse and worse as her parents tore her down and her own mind tore her apart seeing me how I am. She had a breakdown when pulled out of her element and that solidified the end of us.
You see, she wasn't "allowed" by her parents to stay out passed midnight. I was very accommodating of this because I didn't really have a house equipped to spend the night (it being under construction and me living in it through the process). I would pick her up in Layton, drive her to Taylorsville, and drop her off at 9o'clock at the front runner train station which she could take home on the last train. If she wanted to stay later, I would simply drive her all the way home, which would put me home at around 1 or 2 am and then I would have to be to work at 8am. I learned just how much sleep my body needs, even under the physical constraints of working 8 hours in a high stress environment and then coming home to several hours of physical labor remodeling my home. I'm a workaholic, plain and simple.
One night, I was tired, I didn't want to drive her home to Layton, and I warned her that I would not be driving her home. I think she wanted to push her limits and experiment to see if she would be fine mentally staying overnight; but I don't think she realized the toll her parents would put on her for staying over. She didn't have work the next day so I told her she could hang out at my place, or walk to the store or basically anywhere from my home while I was at work. She stayed the night, she stayed at my house all day, and the whole time she texted her mother who must have thought she had been led astray by a devil. When I arrived home from work, she had packed everything she ever brought to my house. She even took back a few gifts that she had given me and proceeded to tell me that it was over. Then the awkwardness ensued: how does she get her things back to her house? --Being the nice person I was, I offered to drive her, but she said I wasn't welcome at her parents house, and that her dad was on the way. I told her that I could take her part way and she said to just drop her and her stuff off at the train station in case he decided not to come she could just travel with it on the train. --That was the most pathetic thing I had heard; I believe she thought her own father was going to disown her and might not actually pick her up. So I dropped her off at the train station.
Boy was I mad.
In my anger, I sent out the nastiest --yet TRUE-- text I have ever told anyone. I sent it to her father, explaining how he was destroying his own daughter. I told him about what I had observed in her and that his guilting her and keeping his thumb on her ultimately was bringing her down. She wasn't learning how to be a real person because he was making her ashamed and, in truth he was abusing her mentally in a deranged need to control everything about her. I am disgusted by him. Even still. I am disgusted by him and by everyone like him. You do not do that to your daughter. You do not do that to your family. You do not do that to anyone. She claimed it was because he was Italian and had that fiery Italian personality, but I saw it differently. I saw a puny, disturbing, disgusting man who tried to compensate by controlling other people who were less powerful than he.
Interestingly, I hung out with her at her house a few times after that--up until her father informed her that I had talked poorly of him through a text message. Big baby. Most likely he didn't tell her the truth of what I had said. Now that I'm 28 and more of a man, if the same things had happened again, I'd probably not be afraid to go punch his lights out if he did them again.
Then came Taylor Gough. I hear she's married now, good for her. While she was with me, I was coping with things and trying to figure out what life I really wanted to live. Perhaps I was shook up from my experience with Brianna and thought that maybe I should go to church, or perhaps I was merely looking for validation and to fit in in a state that is so animositous to people who are not like them. I don't really know, or don't want to say that I know, but I was attending church and looked like a Mormon boy--sorta. I think Taylor thought I would be a super Mormon, but no one who leaves the LDS church and comes back is ever a super Mormon because they realize things about the real world that put bad light on the LDS church. It just doesn't work. In any case, if I had stayed Mormon my whole life, Taylor and I would probably be married right now because my pre-college days I probably was the person she hoped I would be.
She broke up with me. We got engaged on Christmas and I was expecting a long engagement, but as time goes on you wonder why you are engaged for so long when you're so young. I've learned that the older you are, probably the longer of an engagement you need in order to get your life, career and everything else in order so that the two of you can be settled with each other, but at 22 or 23--however old I was, it seemed pointless because both of us had careers ahead of us and life ahead of us, it would have been better to just be married and tackle it as married couples do.
I remember the day she broke up with me. It was a sunday, and for her sake I was trying to be a Mormon, so I was at church while she texted me saying she "needed to talk"--I knew it was over when I got that message, even though there really wasn't anything wrong in our relationship.
You see, Mormons feel very guilty when they get sexually involved outside of marriage. Funny thing was, we weren't sexually involved. A little bit of grinding, yes, putting my hand up her shirt, sure, but actual sexual acts--none. None! We didn't do anything and it was hard for me because I have a slightly higher sex drive so those months with her were difficult (another reason to push the marriage forward).
She actually wanted me to come home from church early to talk to her, so I did, and what she told me was "I don't want to have to push you to go to the Temple with me." --I was temple worthy. I had been to the temple the month before, which is kind of a big deal, you don't just get a free pass! But somehow that wasn't good enough for her. She had never been to the temple in her life, she didn't know how weird it is, the brain fucking that goes on in there--it's a wonder I'm even remotely sane having lived through that. Yet, she wanted to go to the temple every month or every week or who knows what, and thought that I wouldn't allow that when we got married. Ridiculous.
I remember being so angry that she told me that. I felt like I wasn't good enough for her, even though I was doing everything I was supposed to. I felt I was being screwed over by a phony religion that teaches girls that they can't have a relationship with, or marry anyone who isn't in the religion, and that somehow those people are lesser people. I was angry. Really angry.
I believe the words that came out of my mouth were, "Fuck you! You are a selfish bitch. You think that a relationship is all about you and what you want? It's not, it's a two way street and you have to be shaped by me as much as you shape me. Get out of my house!" And I kicked her out in that manner. She left. I was vindicated. I felt pretty good for sticking up for myself in that way. Fuck her. And fuck anyone who thinks that religion is more important than relationships. Your beliefs are not more important than the relationships you hold.
I suppose I should take a step back and point something out form the big picture level. I get the impression that Taylor was using me--as did all of these girls without knowing it. They were using me to look respectable, to look like they had their lives together and were capable of luring in an attractive, well-to-do man. Taylor had just become an elementary school teacher, things were looking up for her, her family was proud of her and it was looking like she was going to pull herself up by her bootstraps, get out of the semi-poverty that her parents were in, and be on scale (maybe even better) than her sister and brother. I was another element of that success: she was trying to build herself out to be a perfect person where everything is perfect, and she didn't see (because I didn't let her see and because it didn't bother me as much) that she was being very one-sided. Taylor was arrogant.
Brianna was using me to make herself think she was capable of luring a man in. She was using me to build up her own self-worth and as a safe hideaway from her oppressive family--again, how could she ever become a real human being if she wasn't given independence and wasn't verbally degraded regularly? How could she become a real human if she was scared?
Bre, too, used me for safety as well as to appear successful and capable of luring a man. She was using me as a self-esteem boost so that she could recover and be able to fight back and win her own independence. You'll see that everyone else was the same way...
After Taylor, I went through a phase of no-girlfriend, just sleeping around. I had one-night stands, I had three night stands, I had good experiences, bad experiences, in between, but none that I wanted to keep in my life. I also quit my job in Salt Lake and moved to Ogden again to figure myself out. I learned a lot as a bachelor or semi-bachelor and made a friend or two that I've kept. Then, I started dating Miranda.
Miranda Kronieg was a virgin, though she had been married for three years to an officer in the air force. They were "separated" but living in the same house and he was often gone with military business anyway. It's weird that I was okay with this at the time, but you learn through experimenting. They were Christian, and on their wedding night she was so scared and he was so scared (both virgins) that they didn't actually have sex. They didn't talk about it, she blamed him for not being confident, and their family and friends all assumed they were having sex. I took her virginity. I liked her, I dated her for several months and she moved out of the apartment they were living in, got a job with TSA and had filed her divorce papers or rather, she was in the process of responding to them. I kept aloof from that aspect because I didn't want to be considered an influence for her getting a divorce.
During that time, I got a job in Draper and was fed up with the commute so I moved to West Jordan rather quickly. I didn't really involve her in my plans because, again, I didn't want it to seem like I was pushing her to get divorced, and I simply told her that I was going to move closer to my work. Meanwhile, she moved to N.Salt Lake to be closer to the airport anyway, so it wasn't like we were moving drastically away from each other. --I only mention this because she made a comment to me about how she wished I would have told her, but I'm not sure why.
When she finally got settled into her apartment, she broke up with me. I remember that I had lent her my DSL modem because I was on their competitor at the time and didn't need it. She told me over the phone, rather angrily that she could never be with someone like me. --I didn't know what she meant or why she said that. I calmly asked if I could have my modem back, drove out there the next day, picked it up, said "Thanks," as cheerfully as I could and never spoke to her again. I didn't want her to see that I was upset and confused and any other emotions so I acted the man and coolly collected my possessions and left for good.
I really don't know why we broke up, I don't know what she meant, "someone like [me]" or why she was angry. I remember that she was being hit on at work and decided to hang out with some guy friends she met at work, but I can't say whether that was influential in her decision or not. I also recall that she got confused when I made the statement about her childhood (she was foster-adopted because her original family was into drugs and a bad environment) and she had me read her adoption letter/socialwork paperwork. I told her "this stuff doesn't matter to me, what matters to me is who you are now," and I think she took it as, "I don't care about your past or what you've been through," but how would I know this without her telling me?
I lack all details and if the details aren't apparent I don't even bother trying to figure them out once a person tells me its over. I have developed a very strong, very firm stance that "If someone wants me around, they will make it apparent. If they don't want me around, they will make it apparent as well; but if they are in between, then I don't want to be around." I would rather they want me around if only to figure out whether they want me around, than to be lukewarm, unsure if they want me or not. [[Women, do yourselves a favor and don't ever be lukewarm--your sex complains about men for the same reason and so many men make the attempt to be either hot or cold, show the same respect.]]
After Miranda, I was back to the bachelor life. I ultimately quit that job in Draper to remake myself again, slept around a lot, and progressed in other areas of my life.
Then I met Shelly King. Shelly is a single mother or three kids--two adopted one of her own. Her ex-husband is something else. He has committed identity fraud in the past and who knows what else because from the sound of him he's a habitual liar. I know a few of those and can only imagine what it's like to be married to one.
Regardless, Shelly has issues of her own. Though I wouldn't say she's a habitual liar, she does exaggerate a lot. She has a lot of confidence--false confidence--but she plays it well. It took being with her for a while to really recognize how full of shit she was. I think she lied to compensate, but she could also lie due to deep seated mental illness that has gone diagnosed. Overall, she's a good person, but perhaps I don't know her well enough to make that judgement?
In any case, while we were together things were good, up until she pulled the whole "I want to be a Mormon" card, and I started having flashbacks of being with Brianna and Taylor. She also gave me a scare like Bre did when, one night out of the blue, some guy showed up at her house, parked on her lawn (not even the driveway) and was over for a couple hours doing who knows what.
Shelly claimed that he barged in uninvited and she was too nice to send him away, I waited outside her home without her knowing for an hour waiting for him to leave(I got off work early and was going to surprise her after she put the kids to bed). She was texting me the whole time and I told her to give him the count of three to leave or I would come over and kick his ass. I counted to three and walked over to his truck, deflated the tires, and that's when he came outside. I yelled at him told him not to come back and she filed a report with the police.
Ultimately, I broke up with her because of some off comment she made about how if I wasn't going to be the kind of person she wanted me to be (a Mormon) that she had plenty of other guys who would be that for her. I didn't wait to find out if that was true, I ran; go find a guy like me only better if you don't appreciate me.
Finally, my last girlfriend was Kenzie Rentie. She was nice and sweet initially and gave me the right level of attention that I needed, but then she got over her head in her career. I started to see a side of Kenzie that was bitter and vengeful that I didn't like. She was upset because of her work environment and I think she turned inward and shut out the world. She stopped texting me and for the last two months of our relationship it was hit or miss on whether I would get to hang out with her on the weekend, or any weekday.
What I noticed about Kenzie, was that she had plenty of time to text back and forth with other people and plenty of time to coordinate and hang out with her old friends and co-workers, but I got put in a second seat. I hated that. I put my relationship with my significant other first--if I haven't spent enough time with them then any of my spare time I would expend to be with them. Quality time is important to me, and if I can't have quality time, then at least communication, and we didn't really have either.
I broke up with Kenzie because she wouldn't talk to me or make time for me. She claimed that she was just so used to being independent that it didn't cross her mind, but let's be real here: I'm the most independent person around and yet I still find time and have always found time to make everyone satisfied. I don't need people, I just like certain people in my life and will go out of my way to keep them. I work more than most people, often putting in 60+ hour weeks because I run a small business, and I still text, call or hang out with everyone I care about. Independence isn't the issue, self-centeredness is.
Kenzie was obsessed with running away from her life and problems. Granted, she had a few minor problems, but if she only knew to reach out to basically anyone around her, she would realize that her problems aren't so bad. She kept telling me that she was going to move to Germany, or just disappear one day and not tell anyone--and that she had already done so once in the past. Telling me this only made me feel insecure about our relationship, I wonder what she expected me to do, just wait around for the day when she left without telling me? She had the personality to not care about people, she distanced herself from me by not talking to me enough, and she vocalized that she was going to leave at some point in the future--that's not the kind of things people do who want to keep relationships in their life and so my fear of being left behind and not having a future with her, as well as the fact that the latter months of our relationship consisted of basically no relationship at all, I broke up with her.
I can't speak for her motives, I can only firmly express my own opinions and observations, but from what I saw I'm gravely disappointed. Kenzie had a plan to go through life on her own, by herself. She obviously enjoyed me in her life, otherwise she wouldn't have kept me for as long as she did, but ultimately she threw me in the trash for her own personal objectives. Relationships don't work that way.
The funny thing about my character, as I learned from being with Kenzie, is that at any moment I was willing to jump back aboard her ship that was setting sail if only she would tell me that she wanted me to come with and made accommodations for me. I forgive and I forget easily, but if there is one thing Kenzie did wrong with our relationship, it was that she didn't instill hope in me. I've learned that if you want a relationship to last, you have to make sure your partner has hope for the future with you.
After being with Kenzie I have realized that I am not going to as easily assist my significant other as I have in the past. Kenzie might not realize this now, but I would like to think that at least a few of my previous girlfriends do realize that being with me comes with seen and unseen benefits. I am stable. I am confident. I am smart. I am hopeful. I put a lot of time and energy into making my girlfriend comfortable so that she can handle her other areas of life. I try to relieve burdens, not just the obvious ones that free up time and boost energy, but I also offer myself as a sounding board and thinking cap so that they can think about and deal with their mental or emotional burdens. I do my part in my relationships, that is certain.
With Bre, I took care of her kid so she could get experience working, network, and advance in her career. I took care of her in a lot of unseen ways and I did the same for Brianna, Taylor, Miranda, Shelly and yes, even Kenzie.
I'm not like other guys, even the nice guys, because I have both a natural affinity to certain skills and was also trained in communicating and understanding people and life in general. I don't know everything there is to know about people, but I know a lot more than people twice, three times, even four times my age. I get so frustrated with people in general because I see them and I see their problems and I see how easy the solutions are and yet I also watch them opt out of the solution because they don't know, haven't learned their lesson, or don't care anymore. I also, apparently, have a terrible time finding someone who is my equal, because all of the women I have been with in my adult years have used me as a crutch to stand up with, support themselves, and heal, and none of them have treated me like an equal, like a life-partner, like a true friend.
I understand that I have a lot to offer. I understand that I'm cute and attractive and that through some magical osmosis the women who hang around me appear to be slightly more attractive as well. I get that I'm a giver and I freely share my positive energy with everyone. I also realize that I'm an empathetic person and people find it very easy to connect with me and feel at ease. And yeah, I am intelligent, I have a lot of practice coming up with advice and quotes and I utilize thinking methods that increase the perspective of others and expand their minds. And sure, I come from a wealthy family that is also somewhat respectable and I too have plenty of money horded away. BUT, all of these great things about me are not an invitation to use me for a self-esteem boost or as merely a getaway from danger. I expect more and I will have more.
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