Feeling emotional today so...This!

Sudden shifts in barometric pressure always gets to me..
Let's play a game where I offend people for stating what I'm thinking right now and then a week later I'll apologize after I've lost a bunch of potential friends and the pressure has cleared...
I think life is incredibly fair and if you complain about it being unfair it's because you want it to be unfair...in your favor! If you follow the rules of life you get exactly what you earn, plain and simple. The unfair part is the way people treat each other. Some people get away with being disrespectful, rude, and complete assholes. In fact, being an asshole makes most people feel good about themselves--and there's not a damn thing anyone can do to stop another person from being an asshole.
Third, being a smart individual I can say this, and I'm going to say that the worst harm you can do to yourself is not physical harm or abusive relationship after abusive relationship--the worst thing you can do to hurt yourself is to become intelligent. If you can think critically about things, you will alienate yourself from everyone around you who doesn't also know how to think critically--and guess what, there are SOOO few of us, so it's about like alienating everyone. People are sheep and they want to stay sheep at all costs, and they get boiling angry when you try to make them think for themselves. The next worse thing you can do is to be confident. People will mock you and deter you from thinking critically, but if you're not confident who cares?--You'll be too unsure of yourself to care and others will convince you that your critical thinking is insanity. When you're confident, their mocking will hurt you more because you're no longer repeating verbatim what someone else came up with. If the person you repeat is wrong then it's not on you, it's on them, but if you're wrong, well... it hurts so much more.
Next, I'm convinced that this is something you're born with--to WANT to be nice and WANT to be fair and to WANT to have peace. Some people just want conflict. If is a hell of a lot easier to go through life seeking conflict than it is to desire peace. Why do people not understand that we don't need all of this conflict? We have plenty to share and yet people are so greedy that they horde everything in excess and they try to keep it from other people like the universe owes them. So my advice is don't fuck with peace if you question whether it's worth it, because it is not worth it. Those of us who desire it only do so because it is a part of who we are and we can't help but want it. Besides, there is only one way to obtain peace and I guarantee that you do not know how to get it, even if you think you do. The only way for true lasting peace (which is the only real peace) is through constant collaboration. No compromising, no avoiding, no accommodating, no aggressing--all of these will only bring a temporary peace--a ceasefire. And ceasefire is not real peace. And YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO GET REAL PEACE. Every attempt you make to create peace only creates more conflict you fucking asshole. I'm not talking about inner peace. Inner peace is easy. Just love yourself enough not to give a damn about the world around you. We have too many people who think inner peace is the only way. Why do you think there are so many assholes? Because people settle into this line of thinking...that they can avoid conflict, or accomdate conflicts, or that they can compete with others until they have dominated them into submission and that somehow their WAR will bring about PEACE. You fucking assholes. That is not the way to true peace.
No, what we need are people who have found inner peace to seek outer peace and to do it the right way. I've personally lost complete faith that in my lifetime I'll ever see any kind of social change that brings about such peace. Hell, as far as I'm concerned I'm the only fucker that's working towards it and it's  constant battle because I too would rather go the easy way and just seek inner peace. Sure, we'll make social advances in our institutions in my lifetime, but the people themselves will stay the same. You can't change a sheep's opinion unless you encourage them to be more sheep-like. I should know! I've been a sheep before. I used to think life was unfair. I used to be an asshole. I used to seek inner peace and la de frickin' da!--I know that that is what contributes to a world of shitheads because I was once one.
I don't want to hear people complain about life anymore, about not having a great job, or not having enough time to do what they love. It's bullshit. Use you inner peace like you always do and just say fuck-it to the world, then go do what you're going to do anyway. And I don' twant to hear people say that no one is like them and they have no friends. Try knowing all of the tricks of life, thinking critically, being confident, and realizing you have very little to complain about--only then will you realize that you have "no friends" and that no one is like you and that everyone is an asshole to you.
Be what you truly are, and if that's an asshole then cope with the fact that you're an asshole; but don't be an asshole if you don't think you're an asshole. If you think you are only a jerk because other people are jerks to you, then either you really are a jerk and need to settle with the fact that you were born in the dark and that your heart is cold and black, OR you need to realize that you're not an asshole and that nothing in the world will change the fact that you're not an asshole.
You are not a sheep though. No one is a sheep. You are just lazy. You don't WANT to think for yourself. You don't want to think about things critically because it means you'll have to take risks and make decisions for yourself rather than relying on the "advice" of others both live and dead. You're not a sheep. You may be an asshole, but even assholes need to think for themselves. I realize that there is nothing I can tempt you with to persuade you into not being a sheep. I realize that if I showed you how to have a million dollars sitting in the bank with your name on it within a year, that that would not entice you to think for yourself. I realize that me yelling at you, calling you an asshole, treating you like shit--that's not going to make you think for yourself--not even if I use your own sheepish logic to convince you that you're wrong in being a sheep or that you need to repent and make amends. I can't convince you that being who you really are is better than being a sheep either, because you'll convince yourself that you are being who you really are, and that who you are is a sheep. There is no argument that I can make that will convince you not to be a sheep. So fuck you for being an asshole, at least by me being an asshole I'll feel better about myself, you arrogant little pricks.
The truth is, if you think critically. If you are not a sheep. If you refuse to merely be a machine created by the environment that generated all of your robotic parts, but you instead choose to be a real, living, human being. Well...you'll realize that true peace, both inner and outter and most importantly: LONG LASTING PEACE is the only peace worth having. And you'll realize that everything else is a cheap imitation. You'll realize that everything else is second place and second rate and that it's not worth having because you can't have both--you can't have true peace if you're obsessed with the id or ego. You can't have true peace if it's only temporary. You can't have peace and will never have peace if you think it's going to just happen on day on no part of your own. And worse still, you make it so that the few of us who really are intelligent and confident and peaceful--WE can't have peace because of you. You are the weak link that is holding back humanity.
Lastly, I don't want to hear anyone else complain about what I just complained about. You know nothing, Jon Snow or whoever you are.--I complain because no one else complains in this way, and believe I am alone. If I had a soul-brother or soul-sister who thought the way that I do, I wouldn't need to complain. I would have renewed hope in humanity that there truly are people out there like me who are working towards real peace. I would have twice as large of a support system for the grief that all of these other assholes bring me. If you want to complain about this, please come to me brother, please come to me sister; but don't complain because that will only rub in the fact that I am wrong, and it will hurt to be wrong because I am confident that I'm not wrong.--Ah hell...do come to me and complain about this because I would rather be wrong and able to face that I'm wrong than be right and face that lonely path I foresee by being right.

All-Natural Anti-Depressant: Part 1

DEDICATION

This series is dedicated to two individuals, My grandmother, who battled depression, battled mental illness, battled cancer, battled hip replacement surgery, and came out ahead. She healed herself mentally and although ultimately cancer took her, she survived cancer for 20+ years.
The second individual is myself, because I did this myself, I survived, and I'm where I want to be and it feels good!

INTRODUCTION found HERE

My All-Natural Anti-Depressant: Part 1 of 9


OUTLINE
1. Create Space
2. Persuade Yourself
3. Emotions
4. Broaden your Perspective: Situations
5. Broaden your Perspective: Truth
6. Be Individual
7. Be Constructive
8. Balance (+) (-)
9. Conclusion


ONE - CREATE SPACE

During my first real spout of depression, I was about eleven years old, living in Farmington, UT on the west side of Glover Ln before there were houses around there. My life was mostly peaceful and as I look at it from an adult perspective I really had nothing to complain about but depression has a way of skewing your mind. My depression started because I didn't know how to deal with other kids my age, no one taught me the necessary skills and I lacked the knowledge and understanding to keep my emotions in check.
I was in 5th grade and was constantly bullied by other kids in the 6th grade. I remember one incident gaining the victory over said bullies, but that was late into the year and they left elementary before any real outcome came from it. I can recall that my emotions were so strong that day that when he started picking on me I took a fist to his face and gave him a bloody nose. We were waiting for the bus to head home for the day and the teacher who was with us didn't see it--thankfully. When she asked him why his nose was bleeding he coped an answer, "I just get bloody noses sometimes." I got on the bus and that was the last time he bothered me.
Had I been confronted by the teacher, I think this victory might have resulted in a bust--I would have been more confused, more angry, and the bully would have continued bullying me. Regardless, the year ended and I never saw him again because my family moved during the last 3 months of my 6th grade and I never attended Jr. High in Farmington.
My sixth grade was worse, however, because instead of facing older kids, who in the mind of a child, older meant more deserving of respect and submission, I was pitted against people my own age--people who were once my best friends. In the 90s being gay was despicable --I wasn't gay, but that didn't stop my peers from bullying me and claiming I was. I believe the rumors started because of jealousy--that I had started to become more popular than they, that I had things a little better; but really, things aren't better if you go through life in fear that you will face a situation you can't handle, face a bully who might actually say something to you that you think is true, face yourself degrading yourself. To add to it, my best childhood friend moved from Farmington because of incidents beyond his control--his father took his own life and his mother died when he was a child. He had to move in with his Aunt, who lived in Orem. --I have had no contact with him since, even though I would like to so I can feel a little closure about his departure.

Moving at such a fragile time in life may have harmed me more than helped me. I finished 6th grade as a hero at a new school--a hero who others despised because I got so much attention. Imagine going to a new school where the teachers tell you: "School is over, don't bother learning because our curriculum is different and you're ahead in school because of it. You've already tested so we have no reason to try." and to the students they say "This is our new student, make friends with him because he has no friends"--people were curious, but I was cast among wolves!
I faced a huge shock from going from a no-body who was trying to survive, to being the most popular kid in school simply because everyone knew who I was--but no one knew me as an individual. I didn't know what I was doing and made friends with all the wrong people thereby upsetting everyone else and making enemies unbeknownst to me. When I entered Jr High, I was treated like everyone else--had no friends--but I was still under the shock of not knowing what to do and I was left to make friends with the wrong people, again. These friends were negative, picked on me because it made them seem superior and built their own self-worth. I was the butt of jokes because I was inept at making friends and didn't have control of my emotions so it was easy to get a rise out of me. I lacked communication skills so I often said things out of place, didn't speak when I should have, and was very socially awkward and lacked self-worth to do anything about it.
I turned inward, told myself it was all my fault for saying stupid things or being a certain way. I thought because I had no friends I was a nobody and worth nothing. I internalized every little thing and though I developed hard skin, my inside was soft and mushy.
My life was one conflict after another: conflict with friends at school, conflict with parents at home, conflict with my sister who lived at home at the time. Everywhere I went there was conflict and I had no where to deal with myself no peaceful place, nothing I could do that gave me enough peace to take care of this. I found the most alone time by turning to video games, turning to the internet, watching TV and avoiding others.
 I got to a point where I pretended every insult and every bad thing that happened to me didn't matter and that I was okay with it. I pretended I was strong but I was hurting inside. I got so depressed that I contemplated my suicide, and all of my "friends" were telling me to "go kill [myself]" anyway, so I thought that "maybe I would be ahead to give them what they want."
I discovered that my parents kept a revolver under the jet-tub cupboard, and my parents never really controlled pills in our household so I contemplated either. I thought about hanging myself in the tree in the back yard, or in the garage.
But one day I found just enough peace while browsing the net to realize that I needed to work on my self-worth. I stumbled into a few self-help books that talked about first building up yourself and then you can change the world around you. I wanted to be significant in the world, I wanted to "change the world" and so I needed to change myself.

Changing myself wasn't my first step, and changing myself is a daunting task that takes a lifetime; my first step was creating space. I needed to distance myself from negative influences. All of those influences that were harmful to my well being, I made the choice to distance myself from them. I stopped hanging around friends who picked on me. I avoided my parents when they were upset. I avoided my siblings when they were on the war path. If I thought it was making me feel worse, I got rid of it.
I started to stand up for myself a little more. When someone said something about me, whether joking or malicious, I told them not to make fun of me or call me names, "Don't call me that again, it's not funny!" --I probably came off very rude (to people who were rude to me), but I needed to do that in order to save myself. Sometimes, you may need to punch someone in the face in order for them to get the message that you're sick of their negative influence.

I'm not promoting the complete abandonment of other people. In time, you will be able to handle your depression and it won't matter who you are around, or what other people tell you. But until you are stronger, you need to get rid of all of those negative influences because they drag you down now. Creating space doesn't mean burning bridges, it means crossing bridges but leaving them in tact.

Around that time period I abandoned the Violin. According to my violin coach, I had reached a point where I needed to dive in fully if I were to advance in the field, I was performing solos, I was the lead in the orchestra, I guess you could say I was pretty good. But the violin was eating up too much of my time. It wasn't a choice I made on my own, to play violin, and so a part of me despised it and despised who I was becoming with it, so I quit. Because of Violin, I felt guilty when I didn't practice, I felt low when I wasn't getting compliments because I was using my violin to get attention and compliments and it had stopped working. It was superficial, I shouldn't have been so focused on getting attention but I put my energy into getting attention and recognition, not on the actual instrument, and when it didn't work it made me feel worse because it wasn't advancing my goal, so I got rid of it.

You also need to create some more personal physical space. People tell you that when you're depressed you should attempt to get out in the world and be active and among people--they rarely tell you to be alone. I think being active and out among people is a good thing, don't get me wrong, but I also think that you should make a conscious effort to be alone. When you're depressed people want to check up on you and cater to you and monitor you, and you want to check up on yourself and monitor yourself, and then you feel uncomfortable being alone as if something is wrong with you that you need someone to watch over you whenever you're alone. Being alone is a good thing, and isn't the goal to be happy always--even when you're alone? Making a conscious effort to be alone gives yourself permission to be okay or to practice being okay whenever you're alone.
In other words, tell those well-meaning people in your life, gently, that you are planning some alone time for an hour or a day, and that you don't want to be bothered. They likely want you to be happy as well, but them making a big deal out of your depression by trying to help you can actually make you feel worse as if you can't deal with this on your own and you aren't autonomous.
If people keep messing with your mind, you have to push them out. That includes people who guilt you into things, people who threaten bad things if you don't comply, even people who have good intentions but who hold too much power over you to feel comfortable in denying them. People are very intrusive. They live in such a competitive world that they forget to turn that competitive mode off when they are in peaceful environments, such as around you.

Space is an important part of everyone's life. Humans carve out territory so that they have room to survive, rejuvenate, and to grow in. If in your own territory you feel threatened, stressed, depressed, hurt, or otherwise, where will you go to rest? Sometimes we feel depressed because there is no safe place for us, whether physical or psychological, so our response is to shut down physically, mentally, and emotionally. The worst part about this is that we don't even realize that there are forces acting on us that trigger our depression--we simply think that we are tired, sad, or lonely and that we have no control over it.
Hop to it! Take some alone time and set correct boundaries for your personal territory.

Next: PART 2

Everybody got their problems

99 Problems

This song doesn't fit 100% but here goes...

Why is it that people blame others for their problems? I'm not talking about when clearly something is their problem but they blame it on other people, like when someone gets in a wreck and blames it on the idiot they crashed into, I'm talking about when people get offended. I'm talking about when people are annoyed. I'm talking about when people fight over things and jihad and crusade. I'm talking about when people get something stuck in their head that they believe so strongly that they can't see the other side.

And I'm guilty of it too.

It is human nature to be one sided--it's how the mind works, it's how we sleep at night. It's because our minds try so hard to make sense of this life and if we don't understand something we compartmentalize it under some other umbrella so that we don't have to think about it. We only see what we see, and that doesn't mean it's the truth. It's just perspective.

But people base their whole lives on their perspective--and how else can they? We are the product of our experiences, and our experiences are biased by our perspective.

So, I suppose I'm not really talking about blaming others for one's problems, I'm talking about hypocrisy. People look at their perspective and they see things they can't understand and they compartmentalize them in some category that makes sense to them. They look at differences in opinion as right and wrong; differences in actions as acceptable or unacceptable behavior; and they let other people's methods of thought or action affect them positively or negatively.

People are always under the assumption that society is following the same rules as they are, the truth is that there are very few rules that have been universalized among society. People think society governs sexual conduct, ethical conduct, and they assume that we live in society and follow mores and norms because they provide us with safety and resources. But a society is really just a collection of people, each with a different perspective.

The assumption is that by living in a society there will be greater good for oneself than living outside of that society; what people fail to recognize is that there is greater bad by living in society as well. Instead of choosing to be even-keel, a member of society chooses to have higher highs and lower lows.

I'm not talking about society in general, though this applies to them as well, what I'm referring to is smaller sub-groups of society. Churches, cities, corporations, families, race communities, gangs, etc.--anywhere that people come together. Parents take on a burden for their kids, church leaders go out of their way to help their members, corporations pay the managers more than they employees and shareholders reap the profits even though they barely work at all.
You hear stories about parents complaining about their kids because they put effort into them and are disappointed by them. You hear church leaders frustration with their flocks at not following the principles they teach, you hear shareholders complaining about the poor work of their company employees; and yet none of this is related. It's all in perspective. The kids don't see life as an adult--they haven't lived long enough. The church members pick and choose their ethics because they don't know any better or because their perspective is such that they don't care. The employees and managers of companies make decisions in the moment that effect the future.

Is society doomed? No. Because society has operated this way since the dawn of man and it will continue to operate this way forever. There are good parts, even great perks to being in society, but nothing is free. And if you know how to take advantage of the system, you can see great things from being in society and diminish  your own loses--thereby limiting risk--but it always comes at a price.

People see others as the problem when they themselves are the problem. Not because they blame their problems on other people, but because they lack knowledge, they lack skill, they lack ability, and most importantly, they are trapped in their perspective.

By my perspective, everyone would confront problems in their relationships and discuss them in an environment where both parties agree to not take offence by what is said and both parties agree to act cool headed and not purposely say or do things to hurt the other party. But not everyone sees this as the best way to go. Some people see problems in relationships, conflict, as a negative thing, and they desire everyone to avoid it, not talk about it, keep cool headed, ignore it, and find a work around at whatever expense. Is one more correct than the other? No. They are just different.

The wise person walks through this world understanding two things: 1) that others don't see things the way that they do, and 2) understanding that we aren't meant to know the truth and therefore can't be more right than the next guy/girl.

I think one of the keys to this life is to simply understand, nothing more, nothing less.