Chats with Courtney: Helping Others

I made the above diagram to help explain the topic of our discussion:

Kyle: Courtney, I need you to spot check the logic behind this.
Courtney: Okay? What's the topic?
K: Helping people.
C: Oh, I like helping people!
K: Good, because I want your help. First off, is it fair to say that you can break people into two categories: Need help, or don't need help?
C: Sure that's basic.
K: What about can you also overlap those with: Want help and don't want help?
C: Sure.
K: is there anything I'm missing?
C: I don't think so. --I could be wrong but I don't think there are any outliers to this.
K: Ok, so where they overlap you get 4 categories of people: A) People who don't want help and don't need it. B) People who don't want help but need it. C) People who want help but don't need it, and D) people who want help and need help.  With me so far? (see diagram above)
C: Yes.
K: Well, this is the part I want you to really spot check to make sure I'm not missing anything: People who fall into category A, if you try to help them and they don't need nor want your help, they will probably resent you and maybe withdraw from you.
C: I can see that--You might find someone who is a pushover that avoids conflict, but by and large most people will probably do that.
K: And if you try to help someone in category B, who don't want your help but need it, then they might do the same thing--there is the potential that they'll change their mind after it's over, but they'll resent you the whole way and maybe withdraw from you and it will definitely change the relationship, but hopefully your help will improve their life and in time they will see it.
C: That sounds right. Particularly with friends I have had whose kids got into drugs and they had to do some drastic things in order to get their kid to get back on the right path. The kid resented them but it was for their own good...
K: --With category C, you can help these people, but they don't really need you to do it. They'll appreciate you, but when it comes down to it they are either letting you help them because they want you to feel integrated to their life, or because they are lazy.
C: That sounds like the best so far... minus that it's a drag if they are lazy.
K: Yes, I agree. That's the best of the four categories in my opinion but the potential is there that they are merely relying on you because they are too lazy to do it themselves.
C: Right...but what about the last category?
K: So category D... People who need help and want help. I think on the surface these sound like the ideal one, because when you help them, you are doing a good thing, plus they want your help and will appreciate you--BUT, the problem is that if you help them, then they never learn to do it themselves. They never learn to figure things out on their own and they become dependent on you into the future. After all, what motivation would they have to do it for themselves if they could get you to do it for them?
C: I agree with that...mostly. But I don't think EVERYONE would become dependent...some people naturally want to do things on their own, and they just need a little help in the present.
K: Possibly...but those people are far and few. In fact, the only person I know of who is that way is myself...and I'm not so sure that I'm ALWAYS that way.
C: Right...Well cool. This all makes sense to me so far. What prompted this?
K: I went through a bit of depression a week ago--actually, it was a month or two spiraling down into depression and a brief stint of depression when it all culminated--and it was all related to this topic. I just couldn't shake this feeling that people were taking advantage of me, or they weren't appreciating me enough or valuing me enough, or that they were becoming dependent on me and not giving me time to take care of myself and expecting too much from me, or when I'd try to help them because they needed help they'd resent me for it and withdraw from me and reject me. It wasn't a good feeling, and at the time I didn't have an objective perspective of this to make sense of it.
C: And you do now?
K: Yes. Now I realize a few things because of this: First, I realize that I shouldn't get involved with category A people--I already knew that, but it's easy to forget sometimes when you get lost in your mind. Second, I realized that if I intend to help category D people, I need to accept that there is a very real possibility that they will become dependent on me and that I will have to carry my load, plus their load--I can't hold out for them to suddenly not be dependent on me because it may never happen, and at times they may be ungrateful because they feel entitled. So if I intend to help people who need my help, I need to make sure that I am comfortable with helping them forever with that thing, and if not, then I won't help them.
C: That seems fair...though doesn't that become a little frustrating when you see people who need help but you can't help them because of that?
K: Absolutely! And that's the same for category B people--They don't want your help but they need it, and if I decide to help them then I have to accept that they will probably resent me, not be grateful for it, and may even end our friendship because of it--temporarily or permanently. --Or they could also become dependent on me with or without the resentment still there. Helping people who need it is a difficult thing for sure! I like what pitbull says "Ask for money, get advice, ask for advice, get money twice."
C: Which means...?
K: If you ask for money, people ought to just give you advice on how to make money, because if you give them money they keep coming back and they'll be ungrateful either way--ungrateful because you didn't give them waht they want and ungrateful because they start to feel entitled. Whereas if they come asking for advice on how to make money, you can be a little more liberal, give them advice, give them money to help get started, and then they can make money because they take the advice to heart.--money twice.
C: Oh, I get it. Cool.  What about the other category, what are you going to do about those?
K: Category C?... I have decided to do a situation check: if at the time I feel like helping them, I'll help them, if not I'll say no. --Mostly that is based on the situation of if I am busy doing something else.--I love to help people, and if they want my help and want to involve me in their life, then sure, I'll help them, do them favors, give them advice, etc etc. --If I like them that is. In fact, all of this is contingent on me liking the person, and I'll admit that I'm partial to people. I'm not going to help someone if I don't like them--I have to first find something about them I like, which is difficult with some people.
C: Kyle, you're so selfish.
K: No, I'm a very loving and giving person...if I like them. And I like and love more people than you might think.
C: I'm just kidding. I've seen you and the way you love. It's very free and warm.
K: That's why I went into a sort of depression though... At times I don't have control over who I love. I fell in love with a girl at the grocery store who I only talked to periodically and knew very little about, but I knew that I wanted her to get over the things she was going through--and I felt bad when I'd check out and could tell she was having a bad day.
C: I think you're just abnormally empathetic...Plus, like I said, you love freely and don't let things get in the way of loving--which is very admirable.
K: Thanks. So now that I am able to wrap my head around what is bothering me, I have a plan for how to resolve it. I know better in what situations to step in and help or give of myself, and in what situations I simply cannot help. --I'm okay with people being dependent on my sometimes--I'm able to get my needs met pretty quickly and so from that point I can help others in exchange for whatever...but with other things I definitely can't allow it to happen. Understanding this has made me a whole lot more at peace with life and feeling like I am in control again, which is great!
C: Good to hear! I love you Kyle, you're such a good friend and an inspiration. Thank you!




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Closing notes:
After writing out the conversation again, I realized something interesting: 
Loving people, giving of yourself, and helping other people is always going to be more drawback than good. You may never get thanked, you will either be sapped dry by their dependencies, or they will feel entitled to you. The only people who will consistently thank you and appreciate you are those who don't need your help--so you may face the thought that "you're not needed." But hey, that's okay! It's good actually. To not be needed and yet still wanted in their life is a wonderful thing. People who are fully independent and capable and yet want you in their life are the best lovers, trust me. They have no ulterior motives, and even if they are lazy, that's okay too because if you have the time and resources to spare, it's not really a burden on you, and if you don't then you can tell them to do it and persuade them to get off their lazy and do it. I like category C people.

All-Natural Anti-Depressant: Part 7

Reread:
INTRODUCTION
PART 1- Create Space
PART 2- Persuade Yourself
PART 3- Emotions
PART 4 - Broaden your Perspective: Situations
PART 5 - Broaden your Perspective: Truth
PART 6 - Be Individual

BE CONSTRUCTIVE

Hey, you made it to my favorite part! This is my favorite ingredient to add to the mixture: be constructive.

When you're depressed, it's easy to want to just lay in bed and mope. It's easy to be lazy or to just sit around doing nothing because you think you have nothing to do. When all you are doing is sitting around or laying in bed, it leaves your mind wide open to whatever it wants to do--including reflecting on how miserable you are.

I may have only had two major depressions, but I have also had a lot of mild depressions and extended periods of time where I was unhappy. I learned something incredibly simple though: when I was doing things I enjoyed, it took my mind off of how unhappy I was and helped me to focus on other things outside of myself. When I was thinking of things outside of myself, I was momentarily happy, and it was that brief glimmer of happiness that gave me hope that I could one day be completely happy the way that I am today.

This is where I have to get very serious with you and break a few rules of writing by taking a tangent before proceeding and speaking directly to you. In life, there are people all around you who are unhappy for whatever reason. In fact, most people are unhappy and it is rare to find someone who is really happy--someone who isn't blown about by their emotions like a leaf on the wind--those people are rare, and let me tell you, no one is happy all of the time. Life can be pretty rough.
From this unhappiness, people turn to addictions: alcohol, cigarettes, porn, money, sex, power, and food to name a few. It isn't the alcohol it isn't the food, it isn't the sex that is bad--its the fact that they are using these things as means to an end rather than finding ways to understand their unhappiness and what triggers it and to gain more control over it. Sex is good, power is good, and food is good too--provided you aren't using them to numb your unhappiness.
With that in mind, I'll proceed.

My seventh ingredient, being constructive, is to turn your attention to something positive that can benefit yourself or others. Cleaning your house, using a toothbrush to scrub grout or some other intricate work, can turn your mind away from your depression and towards the benefit of other people--including yourself. I like to write poetry every now and again when I start feeling down--that's why my poems are always sad or angry--poetry has been an avenue for getting these emotions out of my system. --I don't recommend that you read my poems, and I've stopped publishing those poems, but you get the idea: the poems benefit me.

Do something constructive: build something, clean something, exercise, or volunteer (or just go out and help people), start projects, start a collection, walk around the block looking for interesting things, go learn something new--do something! Not only does this take your mind off of your depression, it also helps build up your sense of worth and gives you hope that you can be happy because everything you accomplish is another good experience to balance out the bad ones.

You might could say that I'm advocating building addictions--and you'd be absolutely correct to make that observation, but if you're in a situation where you're going to be addicted either way, be addicted to something that improves lives. I can recall a distinct thought I had a long time ago which was, "if I'm going to be miserable either way, I might as well be miserable doing something that will make someone else's life better." All of those things people think are chores (yes, scrubbing grout with a toothbrush), you might as well do them while you're at your lowest, because they aren't going to make you any lower and when you've completed them you'll feel a sense of relief that they're done.

I have heard many times, and experienced it first hand, that when you have other people to look after or other people--or animals--that you care about, you're less likely to be depressed. I think the reason for this is because your responsibility to other people distracts you from your own problems. It it almost as if there is too much time in one day for a single person to take care of themselves and build themselves up, and then with their extra time they tear themselves down and become depressed. When you add another person into the mix, suddenly you have to take care of yourself and assist that other person and you take it from that time that you would have otherwise devoted to being sad and lonely.

NEXT: Part 8