A Perfect World

I just woke up from a weird dream/nap that I think was my mind solidifying a few concepts for me.

It's weird how our minds work while we sleep, compartmentalizing data and building connections to other experiences as emotions in an attempt to make sense of things and improve memory.


Well...

I think it has finally dawned on me that there is no way for our society to go from a where it is now to a perfect state. There isn't going to be a second coming, a christ-like savior isn't going to come, religious soldiers aren't going to kill every non-believer, and I can provide you logical reasons why not. No amount of believing in that kind of thing is going to make it happen. The only way for it to happen is to stop believing and start doing--beliefs, hopes and dreams never accomplished goals like planing, decision making, work, and taking action. But Religion isn't the answer.
Politics isn't either. In fact, religion is just another breed of politics. People believe in a candidate, they hope that their candidate will amass enough votes, that the population will believe in them enough and their cause that they can take office and then they have faith that their candidate has the moral gumption to do what they say and is intelligent enough to make good decisions and so on and so forth. Every election, in our democratic republic, is another revolution, it's another hopeful second coming, and each go around the candidates get stuck in either failing to be popular enough to amass the necessary votes even though they have brilliant ideas, or getting the votes but being so bogged down by their impossible promises to people and the red tape and their opposition that they can't make the necessary impact that they need to to further society. Politics isn't the answer either because it's too caught up in being politics.
Technology, as we've proven recently, isn't the answer either. We've accomplished various goals through technology but at specific costs that negate any advances we've made. America, one of the most technologically advanced nations in the world, hasn't really improved the lives of it's citizens. Sure we can provide everyone with food, but we still have starving children here, most people are either malnutritioned or overweight. We have essentially built a society where we spend our time coming up with the cures to the things that plague us, except that the technology isn't free so we charge for it, and everyone who deals or sells a "cure" is essentially bartering their version of a cure for another version of a cure and no one really has the cure for anything, even the rich who you would think have the means to live a perfect life--yet they are so preoccupied with maintaining wealth that their wealth becomes a sickness or burden for them and no one has been able to cure that sickness as of yet (and in my opinion never will). [and no I'm not saying wealth is sickness, I'm saying that getting lost in the complicated realm of obtaining, maintaining, and dispersing wealth is a sickness. )

It's nice to have hopes that one day the world will wake up and we'll all be cured, that we can live in a golden age of peace where everyone is nice, caring and emotionally connected, where we don't have want of food, lack of water, shelter, clothing, that we can be free of unfair biases, that if we want something we have the complete--unhindered--ability to accomplish that thing.

But this dream I had seemed to spin the tapestry for me clearly:

If we want to live in a "perfect" world, one with all those things above: people are free to do whatever they want, they aren't hindered by others, where conflicts are easily resolved because we have all the tools to resolve them, there is no hunger, no want. Sure, in this world there will be conflict, there will be hardships like inclement weather and bad times, but people will pull together and make it through. People may be angry but they'll be emotionally mature enough to make amends for anything their anger does to others and resolve the conflicts they have with those who make them angry.


It IS possible. . .
We have all the knowledge we need to do it. We know the "science" of conflict, we know how to cure world hunger and resolve all of our water problems throughout the world. We have the means of curing 99% of the worlds diseases.

But what we don't have is people.

We don't have real people.

We don't have emotionally mature, physically mature, and mentally mature people to do it.

We would almost be better off if we took a few of our "best" people (not our smartest or strongest or bravest or whatever, but overall best--physically, mentally, emotionally) and left this world to start a new one.---but again, that wouldn't work because it would cost too much, too many people would stick their fingers in the pot and put their own spin on everything and add their own requirements to the point that it wouldn't work.


All of this is depressing, I know. But let me give you the hopeful side of things:

We can build a perfect world within ourselves. we can be happy, and at peace individually or among a very select group of individuals. All it takes is the know-how, desire, and the determination to see through to the end.

I do not prescribe

I think this should be mentioned before it's too late:

I am different. I am unique. I am my own person. I think for myself. I serve myself and have no masters. I am not a stock character. I am the protagonist of my story. I am comfortable with this, even though each day I HAVE to venture into new territory.

At times, being different bogs me down. Have you tried this before? It's not easy!

I am no on drugs, I do not take pills, I am not addicted to anything--at least not anything typical. 

As such, I realize that at times no one can help me but myself.

At times, I realize that I may not have anyone in my life that can relate to me.

At times, I have no avenues for relieving stress because I haven't invented them.

When asked if I thought it was a good idea to go see a therapist, I realized: The only thing a therapist can do for me is be a sounding board. Their job is to help me think of a solution for myself, they can't tell me what to do and how to live, and if they did, it wouldn't be the life I want to live--it would be the life they want me to live. 

...

But

...

Don't you see? --I can use anyone with a listening ear as a sounding board and save myself $75-125/hr! The only difference is that some people are shitty listening ears because they want to tell me what to do and how to live, or they want to be validated themselves for having similar experiences. . . That's fine. If it's free I can't complain about it too much, right? I can always turn it down. 

But the benefit of one of these free people actually makes it worth more than a therapist: they can connect. A therapist can't exactly be your friend the way a real friend can be your friend. SO. No offense to you well-wishers, but don't recommend me a therapist, recommend me a friend or be a better one yourself.

I know I do not prescribe to society's pattern. I don't work to accumulate wealth and power. Nor do I attempt to be the most famous or the best at anything in particular. I work to be happy and keep on living. At times I'm the best, but I don't care about that--nor do I want to be the best because of the added stress that it brings. 

I don't rely on others to make decisions for me, and I'm not comfortable with others making decisions for me without me knowing. 

This is a good thing for the people around me, and for myself, and here's why:

1. I get to take all the risks and chances--I eat the leafy plants, if you will--and if they're poisonous, I'm the one who suffers but not the rest of the tribe. --so learn from my mistakes and follow my successes. 

2. I present an alternative path through life that is well-thought out. I prove that there are other ways than the status quo. This is great for opening discussions and exploring things that most people overlook. 

3. I can be real. I am what a whole human is. No alterations. No chemicals, not additives, nothing abnormal. I'm all natural. Anyone who experiences life will get what I get, plus whatever else they add. If you work out more than I do, you'll have bigger biceps but you won't be natural. If you take prescriptions, you'll be like me, except whatever side effects those prescriptions bring. If you take hard drugs, you'll be like me...but probably trip out a lot more. 

Let me recap at a different angle:

I experience emotions. I thirst for knowledge. I crave intimacy. I get hungry and thirsty and experience pain. 

But overall I'm positive. I'm happy. I'm intelligent. I'm ambitious. I'm handsome, even. 

I am able to make decisions on my own and face the consequences of those decisions. 

I'm basically you. Minus the things about you that I am not. 

I don't really know what I'm getting at here but I suspect the summation is that because I am original and dont' prescribe to the status quo, I am what it truly means to be human.

3 Pop Songs that Prove Society Still Has Things To Learn

Three pop songs that prove society still has things to learn:
1. http://youtu.be/iD2rhdFRehU
2. http://youtu.be/yw04QD1LaB0
3. http://youtu.be/nCkpzqqog4k


This article was prompted by the thought I had driving to work today: "If an Alien Civilization(AC) were to hear the things we broadcast, what would they think?" --And on the radio I heard these three songs back to back:

Ed Sheran - Don't
Nick Jonas - Jealous
Sam Smith -Not the Only One


It occurred to me that perhaps an AC would hear them and think all we care about is whether our mates are only mating with us or not. --Probably, this AC would think we were foolish because increased mating opportunities brings out quicker evolution, but that's not the point I want to make here.

The point I want to make is that we have a bizarre social belief that goes like this:

If I agree to single out a "mate" (for lack of a better word) then I have to accept the handful of good traits that they have along with all of their bad traits. [but it doesn't end here] Not only that, but I can't accept the good traits of others.

To help wrap your head around this, here is a fictitious example:

MC - We'll call her Mary
Candidate A - Joseph
Candidate B - Gilgamesh


So Mary like that Joseph is a nice, wealthy guy and can provide her with a home, clothes, and he'll be nice, won't beat her, and will protect her.
Joseph likes that Mary is a sweet girl, plus it's cool to have this attractive girl go around the village with him.
Unfortunately, Joseph is lacking in the sexual department. He also doesn't listen to mary very well and he doesn't support her in the things she wants to improve and succeed in. It's very frustrating for her, so she seeks elsewhere for someone who will listen to her.
Along the way, because this is natural for humans to do, she meets Gilgamesh who is a great listener. She is attracted to him and soon learns that he isn't lacking in the sexual department.
Mary likes that Joseph is nice and wealthy--and Gilgamesh is not wealthy, but great in bed and a good listener.
Mary doesn't have sex with Joseph anymore. She still attends village events with him, she still takes care of the house so that Joseph can work in his business of making houses. She is very much publicly his girl.

So the question is posed: Who should Mary be with? Joseph is happy as a carpenter with a beautiful, sweet wife. Gilgamesh is happy as a traveler, with a passionate lover.

The cheap, sleazy answer is: she should be with the one that she loves most--the one her heart tells her to be with.

But I hate that answer because it is about like saying: which should I choose? Choose the one that you choose. --There is no criteria in that answer to determine which is "better" and what decision to make.

And honestly. She should choose both. She gets good sex and passion in her life + she gets wealth and security.

The ONLY problem with this is jealousy. Joseph is FINE just living the life he perceives--the one where his wife goes to village events and he works as a carpenter. But when he finds out about gilgamesh he busts a blood vessel. Why is it such a problem to him? Nothing has changed! absolutely nothing has changed. He can still focus on his work. He can still have the love of Mary. --the only thing that changed was his perception...

To add a kink to my scenario, let's say Mary and Gilgamesh have a son. Woops! Baby Jessie is born.
By social right, Joseph is obligated to take care of Jessie. But by the laws of nature, Mary and Gilgamesh are his parents.
However...when you marry someone, you agree to raise their kids. --In today's society if you marry someone with kids, you have to accomodate those kids--the kids don't just get dumped off, they don't live in another house, and there is no realistic way around it.

So what do you do?
Do you say:
1) Legally, the child is Mary and Josephs
2) Naturally, the child is Mary and Gilgamesh's
3) Obviously it's all Mary's FAULT
4) Or do you reframe reality and realize that NOTHING changed. The child, in many ways is all 3 of theirs.




People focus too much on fault. Fault doesn't accomplish anything other than make people feel justified in their emotions. It justifies anger. It justifies hatred, greed, jealousy, and a slew of other negative emotions. It doesn't solve problems though it only creates them--as we are learning by the function of terrorist organizations: they are created out of hatred and they create terror in the name of hatred, lust of power, and anger rather than love and peace.

Legally--our social system is messed up. Laws should work for the people not the people for the laws. This scenario defies the way we currently think about the laws and I propose we change the laws to reflect real life better. Legally, JOSEPH should take care of Jessie as a son--that is the agreement he made by marrying Mary. It is not fair, but it is as much a decision he made as it is a decision that Gilgamesh made by having sex. --there is always the possibility that a child will enter into the mix.

Option 2 is a moderate argument... it is the truth. But should Mary and Joseph end their relationship because of it? Should Mary and Joseph divorce and should Gilgamesh be forced to take care of the child he can't support? --MANY people say they should. But why? Why throw a child into a scenario that it worse? It would be better to lie and say Joseph was the father than to force the child to have a father that doesn't want him and a mother who can't support him on her own.


Stupid. Utterly stupid.

Instead of creating a black and white world, we should be using all of the colors. Gilgamesh is the genetic father--there is nothing wrong with a child knowing that. Joseph is their Legal father--there is nothing wrong with a child knowing that. Mary, regardless, is Jessie's mother, but if they put the child up for adoption then someone else will assume legal parentship.




Society is much more advanced than 30BC, but we live as though the same rules apply--and worse, we pick and choose which rules we follow--rather than take care of the kid, as is our legal obligation, we divorce the mother, break up with the girlfriend who has sex with anyone without us.
My Gawwwd! these songs sound like little boys who can't handle competition so they whine and bitch about it.

The Sleeping Metaphor

I think the pop metaphor for "awake" and "arise" are probably the worst in all of human history.

The concept that the metaphor targets is that we are asleep, ignorant, unattentive, unobservant, or we're stuck in catharsis and don't care. The idea is that if we would just wake up, open our eyes and look around, that we would make some life-changing observation about the world around us and realize it's time to take action.

I think a lot of this is spurred by religious ideals...

The problem I see with this is that: People don't have their eyes closed, ears plugged, nose plugged, etc. They see everything and subconsciously they know everything that needs to be done.
But they face fear in various forms...they fear being inadequate and having bad consequences happen to them, they face fear of the unknown because with change comes unknowns. They face fear of actually succeeding because they don't know what the next step is after success and if there is no next step then they would lack a purpose.

It's not that they need to wake up, it's that they need courage, they need motivation, they need purpose.

If you give someone the proper motivation--something that they really want--you can get them to work toward that thing and it gives them a sense of purpose to drive them to obtain it.
If you care to manipulate people, you could further convince them that the only way to obtain what they want is to do it a specific way that benefits you--whether it benefits them or not and whether it really gets them what they want.

And THAT is the problem. The problem is that so many people have been trying to manipulate everyone--persuading them that this is "the way the truth and the light," or "if you buy our products, all of your problems will be solved," or "a vote for me is a vote for you."  But none of that is really true. . .

In this moment, I don't know what kind of future I would be satisfied with. There are times when I think I know but I too fear that future...if it happens then what? I think I'm pretty visionary. I know I'm fantasy oriented--I dream up these fantasies that I would like to happen and that would be wonderful if they happened, and sometimes I act on those fantasies, but I too lose the will to continue with them and...my subconscious knows why but my conscious doesn't want to admit it...
I'm not asleep, I'm just scared. I'm scared of announcing something, making it come true, and then not wanting it once I have it because I don't know enough about the thing I desire AND I don't know enough about myself and if I'm capable of wanting it for the long haul.

Big insights right there.
That's what is holding me back.
And yet, it is also what is keeping me from being satisfied with the here and now.

Because I haven't explored those futures, because I haven't put enough time and energy into THINKING (not doing, but THINKING), I can't decide if I've got everything I could ever want right now in this moment because I've reached a state of satisfaction, OR if I would be more satisfied with another situation.

I keep coming back to the drawing board. I keep pulling out my thinking pad and writing down what I think I want, and then I convince myself that I don't want it and that I want what I've already got.

I do feel at peace right now and I'm happy.
If I dream, then I might want that thing and will have to think about its future and determine if I really want it.
No. Sleeping isn't the right metaphor, because it's easier to dream when you're sleeping and we need to dream more and think more about our dreams if we want to advance as a society.

Chats with Courtney: Helping Others

I made the above diagram to help explain the topic of our discussion:

Kyle: Courtney, I need you to spot check the logic behind this.
Courtney: Okay? What's the topic?
K: Helping people.
C: Oh, I like helping people!
K: Good, because I want your help. First off, is it fair to say that you can break people into two categories: Need help, or don't need help?
C: Sure that's basic.
K: What about can you also overlap those with: Want help and don't want help?
C: Sure.
K: is there anything I'm missing?
C: I don't think so. --I could be wrong but I don't think there are any outliers to this.
K: Ok, so where they overlap you get 4 categories of people: A) People who don't want help and don't need it. B) People who don't want help but need it. C) People who want help but don't need it, and D) people who want help and need help.  With me so far? (see diagram above)
C: Yes.
K: Well, this is the part I want you to really spot check to make sure I'm not missing anything: People who fall into category A, if you try to help them and they don't need nor want your help, they will probably resent you and maybe withdraw from you.
C: I can see that--You might find someone who is a pushover that avoids conflict, but by and large most people will probably do that.
K: And if you try to help someone in category B, who don't want your help but need it, then they might do the same thing--there is the potential that they'll change their mind after it's over, but they'll resent you the whole way and maybe withdraw from you and it will definitely change the relationship, but hopefully your help will improve their life and in time they will see it.
C: That sounds right. Particularly with friends I have had whose kids got into drugs and they had to do some drastic things in order to get their kid to get back on the right path. The kid resented them but it was for their own good...
K: --With category C, you can help these people, but they don't really need you to do it. They'll appreciate you, but when it comes down to it they are either letting you help them because they want you to feel integrated to their life, or because they are lazy.
C: That sounds like the best so far... minus that it's a drag if they are lazy.
K: Yes, I agree. That's the best of the four categories in my opinion but the potential is there that they are merely relying on you because they are too lazy to do it themselves.
C: Right...but what about the last category?
K: So category D... People who need help and want help. I think on the surface these sound like the ideal one, because when you help them, you are doing a good thing, plus they want your help and will appreciate you--BUT, the problem is that if you help them, then they never learn to do it themselves. They never learn to figure things out on their own and they become dependent on you into the future. After all, what motivation would they have to do it for themselves if they could get you to do it for them?
C: I agree with that...mostly. But I don't think EVERYONE would become dependent...some people naturally want to do things on their own, and they just need a little help in the present.
K: Possibly...but those people are far and few. In fact, the only person I know of who is that way is myself...and I'm not so sure that I'm ALWAYS that way.
C: Right...Well cool. This all makes sense to me so far. What prompted this?
K: I went through a bit of depression a week ago--actually, it was a month or two spiraling down into depression and a brief stint of depression when it all culminated--and it was all related to this topic. I just couldn't shake this feeling that people were taking advantage of me, or they weren't appreciating me enough or valuing me enough, or that they were becoming dependent on me and not giving me time to take care of myself and expecting too much from me, or when I'd try to help them because they needed help they'd resent me for it and withdraw from me and reject me. It wasn't a good feeling, and at the time I didn't have an objective perspective of this to make sense of it.
C: And you do now?
K: Yes. Now I realize a few things because of this: First, I realize that I shouldn't get involved with category A people--I already knew that, but it's easy to forget sometimes when you get lost in your mind. Second, I realized that if I intend to help category D people, I need to accept that there is a very real possibility that they will become dependent on me and that I will have to carry my load, plus their load--I can't hold out for them to suddenly not be dependent on me because it may never happen, and at times they may be ungrateful because they feel entitled. So if I intend to help people who need my help, I need to make sure that I am comfortable with helping them forever with that thing, and if not, then I won't help them.
C: That seems fair...though doesn't that become a little frustrating when you see people who need help but you can't help them because of that?
K: Absolutely! And that's the same for category B people--They don't want your help but they need it, and if I decide to help them then I have to accept that they will probably resent me, not be grateful for it, and may even end our friendship because of it--temporarily or permanently. --Or they could also become dependent on me with or without the resentment still there. Helping people who need it is a difficult thing for sure! I like what pitbull says "Ask for money, get advice, ask for advice, get money twice."
C: Which means...?
K: If you ask for money, people ought to just give you advice on how to make money, because if you give them money they keep coming back and they'll be ungrateful either way--ungrateful because you didn't give them waht they want and ungrateful because they start to feel entitled. Whereas if they come asking for advice on how to make money, you can be a little more liberal, give them advice, give them money to help get started, and then they can make money because they take the advice to heart.--money twice.
C: Oh, I get it. Cool.  What about the other category, what are you going to do about those?
K: Category C?... I have decided to do a situation check: if at the time I feel like helping them, I'll help them, if not I'll say no. --Mostly that is based on the situation of if I am busy doing something else.--I love to help people, and if they want my help and want to involve me in their life, then sure, I'll help them, do them favors, give them advice, etc etc. --If I like them that is. In fact, all of this is contingent on me liking the person, and I'll admit that I'm partial to people. I'm not going to help someone if I don't like them--I have to first find something about them I like, which is difficult with some people.
C: Kyle, you're so selfish.
K: No, I'm a very loving and giving person...if I like them. And I like and love more people than you might think.
C: I'm just kidding. I've seen you and the way you love. It's very free and warm.
K: That's why I went into a sort of depression though... At times I don't have control over who I love. I fell in love with a girl at the grocery store who I only talked to periodically and knew very little about, but I knew that I wanted her to get over the things she was going through--and I felt bad when I'd check out and could tell she was having a bad day.
C: I think you're just abnormally empathetic...Plus, like I said, you love freely and don't let things get in the way of loving--which is very admirable.
K: Thanks. So now that I am able to wrap my head around what is bothering me, I have a plan for how to resolve it. I know better in what situations to step in and help or give of myself, and in what situations I simply cannot help. --I'm okay with people being dependent on my sometimes--I'm able to get my needs met pretty quickly and so from that point I can help others in exchange for whatever...but with other things I definitely can't allow it to happen. Understanding this has made me a whole lot more at peace with life and feeling like I am in control again, which is great!
C: Good to hear! I love you Kyle, you're such a good friend and an inspiration. Thank you!




------------
Closing notes:
After writing out the conversation again, I realized something interesting: 
Loving people, giving of yourself, and helping other people is always going to be more drawback than good. You may never get thanked, you will either be sapped dry by their dependencies, or they will feel entitled to you. The only people who will consistently thank you and appreciate you are those who don't need your help--so you may face the thought that "you're not needed." But hey, that's okay! It's good actually. To not be needed and yet still wanted in their life is a wonderful thing. People who are fully independent and capable and yet want you in their life are the best lovers, trust me. They have no ulterior motives, and even if they are lazy, that's okay too because if you have the time and resources to spare, it's not really a burden on you, and if you don't then you can tell them to do it and persuade them to get off their lazy and do it. I like category C people.

Lessons learned from today

I'm exhausted of sorts.

I went to bed and woke up depressed this morning and it's been a real battle--the last couple months have been a battle--the last few years have been a battle and I broke down and hit that depressed point.

Right now, I feel fine--minus the mental/physical/emotional drain that depression has on a person, but I'm back to normal now. I know this. I'm back to normal and it's a good feeling.


But since I'm looking at this now in terms of being a battle, a battle that I ultimately won, I want to point out a few things I learned/realized from today and the last couple of weeks when it has been its worst:
1. The war isn't over. This is a battle, and victory came to me in terms of gaining greater understanding. To win the war, I'm gonna have to make some changes or at least position myself to where I can catch some "naturally falling fruit"
2. I'm not so crazy after all, because a few other people have admitted to me that they are this way as well. And it hit me that there are serveral songs that basically say exactly what I've been thinking today.
3. I have problems--but not really. My problems are insignificant. I'm a pretty cool cat, have my life in order--pay all my bills, have control over myself, don't have serious baggage (I can only think of two things people might say are my baggage, and this is one of them). I'm not being an idiot, I'm not over dramatic, I'm just acting the way any natural human being would.
4. And not only do I have very minor problems, I have a lot to offer people--if only people knew!
5. Here it is: My depression has been caused by my desire to love and be loved. Since I don't have control over the "to be loved" part, that's fine, I can accept that. But I OUGHT to have control over my loving others right? --wrong. That's why it's such a huge conflict for me.
6. I can't love people the way I want to love them because of the boundaries they put up. When I want to express my love for someone, I have to do it in a way that is socially acceptable. I have to do it in a way that that individual won't be hurt by my loving them. I even have to do it in a way that won't scare them.
7. People are often scared of me and repelled by me because I love them freely. It sucks, it's something to complain about, but I don't want it to affect my life. It works like this: people aren't used to being loved the way that I love them--they're used to people loving them conditionally and even when the conditions are right, they don't always benefit from it. But then I come along and I flat out make up excuses to love them. I make up reasons why I think they deserve a hug or why I think I should spend time with them or why I should give them a gift, or why I talk to them or help them with things.
8. Yes. I literally have to make up excuses, because people aren't comfortable with me just doing it because I want to do it.
9. For those people who aren't scared of me in the above sense, there are others who go into self-loathing because I love them. They have never been treated so well and they think they don't deserve it. They beat themselves up because they make comparisons between the way I treat them and the way they treat me, or comparisons between the way I treat them and the way they think they deserve to be treated. And suddenly they associate me with a low self-esteem.
10. Some people even go as far as to associate their low sense of self around me with my confident nature (and I think this explains why sometimes people think I'm arrogant, but I don't know for sure. )
11. For everyone else, let's call them the opportunists, they see me as a means to an end. They use me on account of my niceness.
12. They use me because I benefit them. And I'm okay with this--in fact, I prefer this to them being repelled by me (which is why I put up with such shitty friends sometimes). But I'd just as soon not have this--and I think this is the point that started my spiral into depression last week or so.
13. Spawning out of the three things that people do because I'm a loving person (put up walls and barriers because they aren't used to it and expect the other shoe to drop any second now and for there to be conditions behind it, or drifting into self-hate because they don't think they deserve my love and friendship, or straight up use me for their own gains), I boiled this down to a spectrum: On one hand I remain nice, on the other I become selfish.
14. If I continue to be nice, I should expect more of the same; people repelled by me or using me. It's a heart breaking experience to love someone who doesn't love you back, and to face the scorn of society as they question "why does he still hang around them if they treat him that way," and at times it's heart breaking to see someone use you as an excuse to hate themselves.
15. I don't like it when I am an excuse for others' pain, and I don't like facing heartbreak after heartbreak myself.
16. If I shift gears and become selfish, then I have to face the reality of isolation. I have to accept that no one is going to want to be around me and I have to face the unknown of how to meet those needs associated with loving and connecting to people--and I don't know that it is even possible.
17. I've been down both paths--I've been selfish and refused to give my love and I know it was miserable, so I left there long ago--it was miserable because not only was I not getting my needs met, but I also hated the person I had become.
18. I've been nice lately and I don't hate who I am. I hate how other people react to how I am. Which I think is improvement.
19. Sometimes the anticipation of becoming that self-centered bastard scares me into depression.
20. I do NOT want to be that self-centered bastard. So I need to lean more towards the nice side.
21. So the question becomes: how do I cope and balance a life of loving others with the obnoxious side of people putting up barriers and not letting me love them?

And that is where I need to take this so that the next battle I face, I come prepared and won't sweat bullets and hate life for being me--the unrestrained lover.

seeking understanding of self

November is the month of understanding, and I've started the month off with a quest to understand myself better. . .

I have been having some bad days over the last couple of weeks. I hit a few highs bit mostly a lot of lows. --I'm not too concerned, it will get better eventually, it always does. But, only after I do some serious work to make it better. In this case, I'm doing a lot of soul searching.

I know what I am passionate about now in life. Sometimes I just forget and then my life gets hollow and I don't approach life with the same positive mindset. I face major letdowns and let things eat at me.
It all came to a head just barely though.

I want someone to want me.

And I would give up everything for that, except I'm scared because it doesn't happen quick enough.
I take life at 90mph. It speeds by and I'm used to it and don't notice. But most people drive 25, which might actually be slower than my idle. So I have to break if I'm going to follow them, and if they follow me. They can't keep up.

Depressing, yes, but at least I can understand it now. I want you to want me, and it hurts my heart a little that you don't want me at the speed I want you.