Modern Marriage: Part 2

Go ahead, Read Part 1 First.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ PART 2: THE MODERN MARRIAGE \\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Modern Marriage is the most cutting edge form of marriage. It is the latest and greatest, the best, and it has the least flaws in it because some of the bugs have been worked out through the years of evolution. In a word, think: exceptional. 

People have a lot of expectations of what they will get when they get married--thousands even. I've simplified those reasons into 7 things that modern marriage offers. 

1. Synergy - One person plus another person doesn't equal two people, it equals more than that. Somehow, two people working together make them more efficient and more work is accomplished. Raising a kid alone is daunting, but rasing a kid with two is...less daunting. 

2. Mental and Emotional Stability - Whose shoulder do you cry on, or would you like to cry on more, your spouse or anybody else? If your relationship is good, then your spouse. Your spouse potentially knows you better and can relate to you better and understand you better, and you trust your spouse more have more time and opportunities with your spouse. You talk to your spouse more than anyone else and learn and explore new ideas with them as well.

3. Physical and Financial Stability - Two people working or one working the other taking care of the house either way, money is earned, the house, kids, and food is clean. Sex is safe because if you get pregnant they are legally obligated to support the child (and don't have to get a court order or take any tests). Sex is also safer in that STIs are controlled, if one partner already has an STI it can be managed, if neither have STIs then there is very little chance that they will get one if they only have sex with one another. 

4. Progression - Learning, growing, and even having children (if you look at it in a certain light) fall under progression and certain progress can only be made in a relationship. Your best traits are brought out when your partner has created a need for them; your worst traits are brought to your attention as well and the desire(need) to correct them is there if you want to keep the relationship.

5. Decision Making Support - Now that your decisions no longer affect you and only you, you can get input from your spouse and even defer certain decisions to them. Having someone else who is a legally invested stakeholder in your life gives you an anchor on which to make plans and decide on a course of action.

6. Release of Stress - Doing exciting things together can relieve stress and help you forget about your troubles. Having someone to listen to you who understands you can also relieve stress.

7. Attaining Purpose - When you are alone it is easy to get caught up into thinking you are merely treading water in life and that your actions don't necessarily affect the people around you. When you have a spouse everything you do for or to yourself affects your spouse. Being married gives you a reason to keep on living, and making your marriage work and worthwhile is what you strive for every day. That is your purpose. 

A successful, Modern Marriage provides:

1. Peace - Makes you feel at peace in a turbulent world. (Try being alone and you'll understand)

2. Happiness - Being married brings you greater happiness

3. Love - Your spouse makes you feel loved, and gives you someone to love back unconditionally.

It consists of:

1. Friendship

2. Trust

3. Intimacy

4. Respect

In order for a Modern Marriage to be successful it has to have:

1. Capitalization (of good moments) - When one spouse has success or a good moment, the other capitalizes on that to make it even greater. One form of this is Emotional Support. Capitalization can also include being happy simply because the other person is successful--a happiness as though you yourself were successful.

2. Excitement - Doing exciting things together, discovering new things, exploring the world and life.

3. Acknowledgment - Each spouse expressing that they know and care that the other exists. 

4. Acceptance - Regardless of personal opinion or what happens, neither spouse casts judgments on the other, but instead attempts to understand their motives. You do not have to agree with everything they say, nor do the things they would do in any given situation, but you do have to accept their opinions and decisions as their own opinions and decisions and respect the differences between the two of you.

5. Appreciation - Each spouse gives and recieves appreciation on a regular basis.

6. Needs Fulfillment - Physical, Mental, Emotional, and even Spiritual needs need to be met before the relationship will succeed. This is basic hierarchy of needs concepts--if you're not having sex and you want it, it WILL cause a strain on your marriage, or if your spouse is bawling because her coworkers were mean to her at work, it WILL affect your marriage. Resolving the needs that are your responsibility and allowing the other person to resolve needs they are responsible for is crucial to a good marriage. 

 The Successful Modern Marriage does the following:

1. Preserves Tradition - What holidays do you celebrate? What manerisms do you carry over from previous generations?

2. Preserves Wealth - When either or both spouses die, who will get the money and how will it be divided? 

3. Provides Physical Protection - Survival (food, shelter, etc), Sexual Protection (as mentioned above), Actual physical protection (if someone or something were to harm you), and protection to any offspring.

4. Provides Emotional Protection - A safe place from embarassment, a safe place to hide, or cry, or get excited.

5. Provides Social Protection - Two are more powerful against a mob than one. While together society doesn't judge as harshly a married couple as they do unmarried couples.

6. Preserves Social Status - A widow retains the respect his or her spouse earned whereas the secret lover does not.

7. Preserves Knowledge - "Trade secrets" or even personal secrets that we as humans feel we need to share with someone yet we can't share with just anyone--definitely not anyone outside your immediate family.

Above all a Modern Marriage is agreed upon. A modern marriage doesn't have to have a formal ceremony (though if you want it to be legal you do have to sign a piece of paper and vocalize it before an authority figure), but does have to be agreed upon by both parties. Whatever you want your marriage to do, you both have to genuinely want to accomplish the same objectives with your marriage. These days it doesn't matter if you are getting married solely for money and financial stability. It doesn't matter if you're getting married so that you can progress or share secrets or any number of things. It doesn't have to last until you die, you can agree to be married until you decide not to be together, but you both have to agree to the same terms. Marriage today is less formal than a hundred years ago but more formal than a few hundred years ago (back when a handshake constituted a marriage agreement). It is more useful than marriage previously because it can be customized to any combination of people. And it isn't any more or less stable than any other form of marriage. It is whatever two people make it.    

I have made this article easy for you, next time you or someone else asks the following questions, just refer to their respective section above:

What does a modern marriage offer?

What does a modern marriage need to have to succeed?

What does a modern marriage provide?

What does a modern marriage consist of?

What does a modern marriage do?

What is a modern marriage?

Click here for Part 3

Modern Marriage: Part 1

In each age, mankind has shaped the institution of marriage to fit the purposes of the times; and it is time for us to recognize the purpose of modern marriage. Marriage has seen an evolution throughout the ages. Each reincarnation of marriage has proven to be better than the last. Unfortunately, since we are in the early stages of this development, not all marriages fit the correct pattern for this time-period and we may never see 100% of marriages fit the pattern, but there is a very apparent formula for the modern marriage and the success of any couple, in this age, forming this institution depends on it.

\\\\\\\\\\\\PART ONE: EVOLUTION OF MARRIAGE\\\\\\\\\

When men were still living in caves, marriage was an assertion of power. It protected and promoted the development of offspring. Being joined together, living together as man and woman, meant that the best genetics were being used to create offspring. It also meant that offspring were protected at all times by one parent while the other was searching for food and shelter and it became a manifestation of power among the cave people. If another cave man or woman were capable of having intercourse with another cave person's mate, he would be seen as more powerful. 

Eventually, the custom of marriage became a form of entitlement. Great family lines were established by formal marriage. If you were born in that household or married into it, you would be entitled to the respect designated to that household. Records were kept of marriages in order to prove who was part of that house and who was not. Family sticks together, and if you upset one member of the household he can easily enlist the help of his brothers and sisters, parents and cousins to get revenge. 

Households quickly became a means for preserving not only social status but wealth as well and then tradition. If your household became wealthy, when you died your offspring received whatever you could not take with you from this life. If you were constructive enough, you could even pass traditions down for generations. Religions were established by households as a macro-political effort to boost a household's power (sorry, not the other around). Biblicly, the Levites were given charge over all religious rules and social laws. In egypt, the priests were given political powers along with social powers, and typically priests were born not raised from outside. Social classes were established to govern the rules behind who could marry who and why.

Jump forward several hundred years to Tudor England and you see that the marriage went through another reincarnation: it was too confining. If the king couldn't have a child with his wife he couldn't have an heir to the thrown, so he attempted to get a divorce. Marriage for a king can be explained as simply as a contract between a man in power who agrees to offer his wife and her offspring with all of her desires so long as she provides the king with an heir. Many kings and queens throughout ages even had affairs to meet their sexual desires and it was not always frowned upon. 

With divorce and greater freedom among common peoples brought the notion (finally) to marry for love. Bards, including Shakespeare himself, presented the idea that one can and should marry for love--marry someone who they want to be married to rather than someone they have to marry in order to survive. Previously in Europe, if they weren't wealthy, they were forced into quasi-arranged marriages, a young poor girl to a "respectable" man with property. Studying Shakespeare's works you can see that these arranged marriages had their problems and society's response was that the man was either cuckled or tamed his wife violently. (Dear female feminists, please realize that this was the reason my sex has mistreated you for hundreds of years.)

In Puritan America, marriage became, yet again, a rigid institution without divorce and furthered the above gender roles (taming and cuckling). But America brought further freedom to marry or not marry whomever one chose. It opened the doors for the mixing of social classes--for there were new social classes and anyone could marry anyone so long as they  brought their spouse into their social class with them (whether up or down). Though geographically centered in America, the ideas they brought forth spread across the globe.

It quickly became the norm for married couples to help one another remain faithful and to assist in progression. Though the gender roles created differences, men helped their wives in educating (or not educating them if he thought it was more important) and women assisted in the care taking of their husbands. 

Eventually, in Utah, (though this isn't new, guys, come one) plural marriage was established under the explanation that it allowed for the care taking of elderly, widowed women who society was neglecting. I point this out so that you can see that marriage has always changed based on necessity. It isn't rigid, it's very fluid. Depending on the circumstances of the time the institution of marriage may change slightly to meet a need of an individual (such as a king or minority) or a society as a whole. As another example, elsewhere in the world, and for a very long time, there was a bartering aspect to marriage--women were the domestic workers, whether wife or daughter, and losing one meant a loss to the man of the house. To compensate, the groom was required to pay a dowry to make up for the difference. Most people don't do this today because there is no need. Daughters aren't expected to be domestic workers, and daughters have the freedom to walk out of the house at any time if they choose.

So that leads us up to the pre-modern time period...

Since the '50s and '60s America saw a major increase in the divorce rate. Among the military especially it became so high that it became a burden and the government instituted a law that denied a couple from divorcing while one spouse was on active duty. The significance of this increasing divorce rate is that men and women are comfortable breaking up a marriage at any time and for any reason, previously they were required to show proof of infidelity. 

Entering and leaving marriage due to unhappiness or dislike has both, planted the fear of getting married, and the disgust of ever getting married, into the minds of later generations. It is becoming more common for people to say they never intend to marry, and it is also common for people to approach marriage with skepticism and mistrust and to request a prenuptial agreement. Prenuptial agreements were non-existent or incredibly rare even a hundred years ago, let alone a thousand. 

The most recent conflict to put our thoughts on marriage into perspective is the push to allow gay marriage--marriage between two people of the same sex. We finally have something to make us stop and think about our beloved institution rather than blindly bumble through it and suffer because of it. I find it interesting that it is not the divorce rate that provokes us to think, but the possibility of other people being married--one of these affects us directly, the other only affects us indirectly based on our thoughts and perceptions of it.

As a society we are not quite into the mature stage of the modern marriage. Not everyone has embraced modern methods, in fact not even a majority of people have. Most people are still stuck in old ways of thinking. Some still think like the cavemen--that who you marry makes you look more powerful. Others follow the Tudorian approach and believe marriage is for getting offspring. With so many different types of marriages, it is no wonder that few people come to the correct conclusions about what marriage is all about in the modern world. So what is the modern marriage?

Read Part two to find out!

Relational Theory

Wikipedia states that Relational Theory is a framework to understand reality or a physical system in such a way that the positions and other properties of objects are only meaningful relative to other objects.

In other words, for us to understand certain things we have to apply them to some sort of framework so that they have meaning between them.--that kind of puts a spin on what a "relationship" is, right? Isn't a relationship a framework that we create in order to understand ourselves in relation to another person? We look at the relationship we have with other people and determine whether we have crossed boundaries, whether we are filling our role, whether the other person is significant to us, can help us or harm us, etc. Yes, you can look at a relationship as a framework used to understand reality that will create meaning and purpose in your life.

I have narrowed down some of the components of a GREAT relationship and I continue to study this aspect of humanity every day in an attempt to learn more, but my findings thus far have been:

1. Every great relationship must have mutual acknowledgement.
2. Every great relationship must have mutual acceptance.
3. Every great relationship must have mutual appreciation.

1. Both parties in the relationship must know each other--they must treat each other the way they want to be treated and recognize that they are human beings with equal flaws and strengths. They must realize that it is the differences and diversity that make us excel together, not the similarities. They must let the other person know that they recognize their existence.

2. Acceptance is key for a relationship to grow. The best relationships are completely accepting of the other person. Every decision they make, regardless of how horrible, the other person will not judge them or criticize them or treat them negatively because of their decisions, the emotions they feel, opinions they have, or things they have no control over.

3. As if the first two aren't enough, appreciation is also necessary. Both parties need to know that they are contributing to the relationship, that their efforts aren't wasted, that they aren't living in an emotional fantasy land. Both parties need to sense from the other person that they want them around and are glad that they are around.

In order to understand a relationship you need to look at the components that make up the whole. If there are problems with these three basic components then it is easy to explain why the relationship is less than ideal or not how either party wants it to be. These three things are the basic foundation for change in a relationship. Provide them successfully and you will see very few problems. Fail to provide them and you will see many problems, from mistrust, fighting, attacking, disrespect, running away, etc.

Though these three components sound simple, the hard part is not having these components for the other person, the complexity comes in how we let the other person see that we acknowledge them , accept them, and appreciate them.--and vise-versa:  allowing ourselves to recognize that the other person is acknowledging us, accepting us, and appreciating us.