------Part 3: Change in Marriage -----------
What is it about the word Marriage that conjures strong emotions for everyone? Some people look at it with anxiety, as though it is a burden in their life. Others look at it with hatred, thinking that it somehow ruined their life. Some look at marriage with fear, because the thought of taking responsibility for another person threatens their very way of life. Then there are those who see marriage as a happy thing. No matter who you are, hearing the word Marriage puts you in an emotional place.
The truth of the matter is that marriages don't work for one reason and one reason only: One or both people change and one or both people decide not to work it out. No one who seriously begins a marriage expects their marriage to fail at some point, yet many marriages so fall apart. Those who have been through divorces will give you an unlimited number of reasons for why their marriage didn't work, but in the end, their reasons fizzle down to one argument: they decided they were done--either because the other person was done first, or because they choose to be done before their spouse.
We live in an age where free will and agency ought to be respected. We have it in ourselves to make any kind of decisions we want to so long as we are comfortable with the outcomes and possible outcomes. Some people might argue and say, "he started it" or "she started it when he/she did X" and will tell you that it left them no other option than to leave. But even that is a very narrow perspective of what really happened and it is an attempt on one or both people to avoid the consequences of their action. On the other side of the spectrum, we hear comments like, "our marriage ended because we both have problems." But this response refuses to confront the real issue: that the speaker's ignorance (or selfishness) saw the other person's problems as too burdensome to accommodate or their own problems too personal to ask for help from their partner.
Change
Marriages--or relationships for that matter--don't end until you choose to let them. Instead, they morph and change. Human beings have the greatest potential for adaptation out of any other living organism, and their relationships are evidence of it. If we are to understand the workings of a modern marriage we have to study change because marriage implies sticking with the other person whether we change or they change (isn't that the premise of the marital vows?).
The decision to divorce is really simple: Do you want to compensate for the changes you make within yourself and/or the other person, or do you want to try to manage internal/external changes on your own?
Change happens both internally and externally to one's self. Internal change is any change that occurs because we make or fail to make a decision. External change happens when other people, the environment, society, or anything else makes a decision that triggers a chain of events that affect the marriage. One example of internal change would be overcoming a long-crippling fear [such as of heights] that ultimately brings you more confidence in yourself and your own decisions to the point that you no longer need to rely on your partner for assistance in making decisions. Your partner would then experience external change, because s/he has no control over this decision you are making to handle your own affairs on your own. He or she is effected when s/he suddenly senses less involvement and inclusion in your life and feels less appreciated because you no longer involve them in your life. The logical pattern is as follows: 1. you overcome your fears and become more confident. 2. your partner's role in your life diminishes because you don't need his/her input or support as much. 3. S/he is forced to change as well to compensate for their diminished roles.
[This is why having a baby (I.e. gaining new responsibilities) can cause conflict in a relationship. Or why when one partner returns to school and then the work field can cause strain on a marriage because of the changes in the relationship dynamics.]
Collaborative Change
Does Modern Marriage require one individual to yield to the other when he or she changes? This logical question flows naturally when you pair change with marriage: if marriage means staying together regardless of how the other person changes, then in every instance of conflict triggered by change either one side will accept the change in the other person and/or ignore it and go along with it, or the marriage will fall apart.--I am thinking of the example of when one spouse gets a promotion at work that would require them to move and the other has to give up their career in order to go with them.
The problem with this question is that it is strictly black and white and not easily answered.
People tend to focus on the upper layer of their lives rather than the foundation. The spouse above might be thinking they are taking a loss by giving up their career for their spouse, but that is only on the surface.
Underneath, there is more to this story: The conflict isn't really about person A gaining a better job and person B losing theirs, the things that are at stake are Person A sees an opportunity to make more money and improve the quality of life for A and B, they also see an opportunity to gain greater purpose in life for themselves because the new position puts them in an important role in the company; the list goes on... Person B really isn't facing a loss of a job, they are facing the fear that they will have to change, they are facing the fear that they won't find another job equal or better in the new place. They are facing feelings of insignificance because their present job provides them with a sense of purpose and if they lose their job they lose something to invest themselves in; person B's list also goes on...
When we crack open the outer layer we discover that the inner layers are much more easily managed. If person B can confront their fear of not finding an equal/better job in the new location, can find new things to make them feel significant (which might be other pursuits, like humanitarian efforts, new projects, etc), and whatever else they are facing, then the opportunity for a promotion suddenly isn't so bad. The change isn't so daunting when we realize that there are more decisions on the table than we initially thought in our black and white world. Alternatively, person A can remain in their position, find other things to feel more purposeful, and other methods to improve their quality of life without additional money, such as taking up a new hobby or expanding their network. The options are endless.
In a marriage, yes, both partners agree to stay together--till death or till forever, it doesn't matter.--but what they are really agreeing to is that when change happens they will collaborate together on how to manage that change. Collaboration implies that both parties find a solution that works for both of them. Sometimes this is a long, frustrating, even maddening process, but in the end both spouses walk away from the situation satisfied. And really, the frustrating part of collaboration isn't the other person, it's within ourselves--it's when we get so set on the black and white that we refuse to exercise our creativity enough to realize that there are other things at stake under the surface. This is bad. This is the one and only cause of divorce: when one person in the marriage decides that their perspective is all white and their spouse's perspective is all black.
Marriage is the agreement to make decisions together. Along with everything from part 1 and part 2, if the marriage is to last, it will require collaboration when making decisions and openness about changes that are occurring. Most divorces are unnecessary when you realize that they are caused by conflicts on the surface that never touch the root of the problem.
If you haven't read them already, read: PART 1 PART 2
Part 4 Coming soon!
No comments:
Post a Comment