Modern Marrage: Part 4

I've put off the conclusion of this series and finally have a little free time to say what I want to say.

I've touched on how marriage today is different than any other century and that the differences are actually what make modern marriage better.

I've touched on what the modern marriage is composed of--traits, benefits of, and what the purpose of it is.

Then I talked about how marriage is an agreement that you will approach changes together.

Success (or, how to have a successful marriage)

The Self-help and improvement genre of literature is full of books and authors who will tell you there is only one way to have a successful marriage. Religion, too, will tell you that only one form of marriage is acceptable. But how can this ever be an accurate statement? There are 7 billion people on Earth--each different--which means there are 21 billion combinations of potential relationships--all different.

My point is that no two relationships are the same, and no two marriages should be the same either. People try to cover all the bases by saying get married and make a vow that you'll take care of the other person physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. And you'll be monogamous, and what's mine is yours, and you'll both worship the same religion so that one of you doesn't end up in hell without the other person, etc etc. But the truth is, there ARE highly functional relationships in which both spouses agree to not be monogamous, don't share their possessions, don't worship the same way, and these couples are very happy and successful in life.
The question then, is how? How can two very different people fit together and make it work?
To answer this question you have to take a few steps back. You need to look at how they define success. You have to look at what their goals are--not the surface goals, but the root goals that these people have as individuals.

Happiness
Happiness in life isn't defined by what you possess. Having a specific kind of marriage isn't what makes a person happy, just like having a specific kind of car won't make you happy either.--there is something at the root of it. Owning a nice car might grant you access to a specific level of prestige, it might inflate your ego, it might release a few endorphins in your brain that make you think you're happy, but it isn't the car that made you happy--it was the chemicals in your brain, or the prestige, or whatever else. The car is just a vehicle you use to obtain your root motivation. Marriage of a specific kind is just a vehicle as well. People use marriage the same way that they do cars!
Unfortunately, happiness that is founded on possessions isn't very long lasting. Possessions degrade and fade away, nice cars break down and are expensive to fix, marriages collapse and it takes a good chunk of money, time, and emotional energy to fix or even get out of them. Nice cars and fancy marriages aren't for everyone and won't make everyone happy.

Successful, Modern Marriages are...
...Unique. They mold to the people, not the people to the marriage. Marriages are a tool that people use to reach their root objectives and ought to prioritize functionality over fancy.

Now what?
For those of you who are already married, I'm not saying stir the pot and make changes right away--if at all. I'm suggesting that if you aren't happy with your marriage, something needs to be done. Something needs to change, you and your spouse need to adapt to the modern times, need to adapt to each other, need to find a solution that works that is customized to your relationship not to the world. Marriage isn't a statement to the world and even though society thinks it has to have its hand in it--enforce it, sanction it, legally protect it--marriage really doesn't need an advocate. Marriage needs YOU and YOUR SPOUSE and that's it. Let the world do what it wants with marriage.
A confident person will approach life without regard for the influences around them because they trust themselves enough that they aren't going to be swayed negatively and trust that they have the opportunity to pick and choose what positive traits they want to incorporate. A confident marriage works the same way: it isn't swayed by the outside world, but is swayed and shaped by the individuals and their root objectives.

For those of you who aren't married. Change. If you aren't married but want to be (and I'm guessing you are if you are reading this) then you need to come to this one conclusion: that the way you've been thinking about marriage is utterly wrong. --it's not your fault, you've been programmed to think that way by [insert anything here: Disney, religion, family, society, etc]. --Now that you know that you've been thinking incorrectly, change. Embrace reality. Embrace knowledge. Gain a little confidence in your abilities to form relationships and to traverse life and obtain what you want from life. Take the risk with the next person you meet, or the next good relationship you have (or currently have), that you'll find a way to make it work for what you really want. And leave the possibility open that you'll never be married but will find what you want without using the tool called marriage.
Most single individuals cringe and shy away when hard times happen while forming relationships. They think "It would never work out for us" or "I can't deal with this for my whole life" and then they miss the opportunity to uncover what their root desires are. They spend their lives focused on the surface: "he/she doesn't fit my lifestyle therefore it would never work. He/she doesn't look like I want, doesn't do what I want, doesn't act how I want, doesn't--me me me me me me me." --they turn relationships and marriage into a "me" thing, which it has and always will be a "we" thing.
Like I said in part 3: The only reason a marriage fails is because one or both people see their way as the only way, and they give up trying. If one person gives up, the other is forced to let go as well and then it's just a matter of how far they fall. When you give up in this manner, you're sending the message, "I want this relationship to work MY way and if I don't get what I want then I won't cooperate and I'll leave."

Marriage is a great thing, but just remember that it isn't the marriage that counts, it's the relationship underneath.