This article is mostly random, mostly a personal update, so it's jumbled and more for fan reading than actual reflection.
Lately, I have been in a reflective mood. I have been thinking about my past in a positive light, reminiscing and recalling the way I used to think the way I used to be, the way I used to approach life. I've been thinking a lot but I also did a search on this blog for the words "happy" and "depression" and my favorite keyword "emotions" and read the articles associated with them.
This has been an interesting experience because I see that I was right on the tip of a major iceburg under the surface of my life for the last several years. I understand it now, I get it, so this exercise in self reflection has been intriguing. I feel like a parent watching their kid learn something new that has been in front of them the whole time. It's cute, it's humorous, its lovable. I love myself.
So what did I learn from this reflective exercise?
I recalled that my upbringing--the way my parents raise me/treat(ed) me, the things that were taught to me, the logic I used at the time, my own ignorance of how to resolve conflicts--it all contributed to a major problem in my life that went unresolved and recurred over and over in a cycle. This problem was under the surface, I was dealing with it all the time but I didn't see it because I was caught up in what was on the surface, the "what" of what is happening, rather than the cause of what was happening. There were periods of my life where I felt severe depression, I contemplated suicide on at least three occasions. I never really got debilitated--I was too busy, had too many obligations, and life carried on around me so much that I was just trying to keep up, but if that wasn't there I would have probably stayed in bed during those times.
Instead of moping around I coped with that recurring depression by going into autopilot mode. I followed a very regimental lifestyle full of rules. I restricted myself from things, told myself certain things would make me unhappy and not to do them, became very rigid and inflexible and it all became very dangerous. People wouldn't meet my expectations and I'd classify them as lesser. Someone would flake out on plans with me and I'd hate that person, I'd write them off, I'd be angry and upset and consider enacting revenge. Then, to make matters worse, I'd get upset with myself for having such negative feelings and I'd feel guilty, I'd justify my life but then hate myself for doing so.
Being able to look back on this now, I realize how I was. I realize what I did was wrong--wrong in that it was wrong for me, I don't want to be that way, I don't want to deal with that. I decided I wouldn't carry that baggage anymore. And like I said at the beginning of this article, I realize that what I was dealing with was only the tip of the iceburg. It was the part I saw, I dealt--coped--with that stuff on a daily basis and I did it all wrong!
I didn't see my problems from the right perspective. It's not as simple as making the shift from saying "other people are my problem" to saying "I am my own problem"--it's much more difficult than that. I can't even explain how I triggered the correct response to break the cycle. I'm reminded that change only happens within people out of needs, wants, and time--I needed to change but wasn't changing, I wanted to change but wasn't changing, but I think I needed time to change me as well--all 3 of them.
However...time is synonymous with learning: over time you experience and learn and then you change based on new knowledge. Some people learn quickly and change quickly as well--but you have to be open to learning, open to new things, open to knowledge otherwise you'll waste a lot of time repeating the cycles over and over again until you do or you die.
I'm out of my depression now. And now that I'm out I know I'm out for good. Unlike the times in the past where I thought I was out but wasn't sure--not now. I'm not suicidal. I'm not unhappy, and I feel so good about myself and my life. And when I made that realization doors started opening for me. I'm at peace--a peace that no one can take from me. No one. So as I reflect on how I went through that dark period of time--how I've grown, how I know more about life, more about living, more about being happy than I ever did before-- I have been able to isolate a few things that brought me here.
I'm going to start a new article series soon on Depression and Happiness. The things I've learned. This is my true expertise in life. I've tackled a lot of topics, including marriage, and let's face it, the things I know about these topics are based on partial experiences and the experiences of others, but no actual, on the ground, kind of experience. Sure, I've done my research, applied the correct principles of human science to make these conclusions, but it's still not as powerful as being the expert at something because you've been there. I've been there. I know a lot more than I let on and I suspect I know more than at least 2/3rds of the population because I can explain it to you--my logic is very defensible and doesn't rely on cop out answers like "I follow the commandments, I donate to charities, etc"--eventually you run out of charities to contribute to and you're still unhappy following rules--you've got to really deal with it instead of cop out with answers that leave you with more questions.
If you haven't subscribed to my blog/twitter/pinterest/googleplus/etc already, now's a good time because this series is going to blow your mind and hopefully you'll change and your life will become better!
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