I started to write this article in the original order (Part 3 was titled "Be Individual") but I realized that I needed to explain something that I was going to talk about in part 6, so I switched the order of things.
Reread:
INTRODUCTION
PART 1 - Create Space
PART 2 - Persuade Yourself
EMOTIONS
Most people look at life with the lens that being emotional is bad and that we should try to be rational at every opportunity, but I have learned from my depression that Emotions are superior to rational thought. The problem that most people have is that they don't deal with their emotions correctly and so their emotions come across as a bad thing. If you want to be happy, you need to understand the role that emotions have, after all, Happiness is an emotion of itself!
The common consensus is that decisions made based on emotion are, more often than not, poor decisions. They are often described as irrational, hasty, not well-thought out, and carry a lot of negative connotations. Generally, people consider being "overly-emotional" to a bad thing as though the individual's judgement is clouded and that they aren't experiencing life normally. This is why people look at depression as such a bad thing.
Contrary to what everyone says, Emotions are not bad, Emotions are very positive. Happiness is one of the most positive emotions. People who are happy are said to be more efficient, make better decisions, are more in tune with reality and better contributors to their community and the world around them. Happiness is an emotion just like sadness is an emotion.
At the most basic level, I have determined 12 primary emotions: Happiness, Sadness, Fear, Guilt, Anger, Confusion, Disgust, Boredom, Loneliness, Frustration, Love, and Passion as well as Pain, Hunger, Thirst, and Fatigue, and being too Hot or too Cold. The six that I excluded from the main list are actually clues into the purpose of the other emotions. We feel hungry, thirsty or tired when our bodies need food, water or rest, and we feel hot when our bodies need to cool down or cold when our bodies need to warm up. These emotions are messages from our subconscious to our conscious prompting a response.
The human brain is a sophisticated tool for automating and condensing information and emotions are the link between the conscious and subconscious. Think of it this way, the subconscious is constantly gathering and interpreting information from our senses. Much of the information that we receive is useless on its own, but used together it creates meaning. For example, smelling smoke indoors could mean that your neighbor is holding a bonfire, or it could mean the house is on fire; seeing smoke indoors at the same time and feeling heat could mean there is a fire in the building. Your subconscious can interpret these senses and synthesize them so that you don't have to consciously think about them and then send you the message to run--but the message that your subconscious communicates to your conscious isn't the clear and concise "run", the message is generally an emotion: fear, confusion, anger, etc. The emotion you feel is what prompts you to run outside or to charge in with a fire extinguisher. Feeling confusion/curiosity could prompt you to investigate further only to realize that someone lit the fireplace and it went out leaving smoke everywhere.
We learn emotions through our experiences. Many toddlers are considered "fearless" until something happens that they don't like. As a baby we learn through mimicry and observation what happiness is when our parents show us attention and play with us. As we get older, our emotions become more sophisticated because we have more experiences to draw on and some of our experiences are emotions reacting to emotions. Think of a time where a good friend scared you--you were scared at first, but then you might have been angry at your friend.
Our modern language still has a hard time expressing emotions. The sentence above "you were scared at first, but then you might have been angry at your friend" isn't entirely accurate: you first felt fear, then you felt anger, then you attributed it to your friend. In describing what actually happened however, you might have thought you were angry at your friend, which is only partly true. I point out this distinction because it isn't universal. Some people feel fear and then they feel happy and laugh at their friend, other people feel fear and then feel sadness and cry, still others don't feel fear at all and instead feel confusion or frustration. The feeling that you are feeling isn't directed at your friend, it is triggered by your friend.
Emotions are triggered responses. Jumping back to the topic of the subconscious and conscious, your emotions aren't caused by other people, they are caused by yourself. Miles Sherts, in his book "Conscious Communcation" drove this point home to me, that we don't feel things because of other people, we feel things because of ourselves, other people just trigger those feelings in us. The reason that we feel fear is because we learned when we were young to steer clear of people or things that might do us harm. Loud noises and abrupt movements scare most people because they are generally associated in our minds with accidentally getting hurt so when your friend makes a loud noise while jumping up from behind you it triggers fear.
The reason that I would argue that emotions are superior to rational thought is that they are founded on experience--experiences that we often don't even remember--and they happen at lightning speeds. Rational thought takes time in order to come to any conclusion and we have to research and recall the experiences that are pertinent to the decision at hand.
As I mentioned earlier, in society, emotions are generally considered a bad thing. I think this is a fatal flaw of our society--one that we as a society have only recently started dealing with since the start of the millennium. Because we look at emotions as a bad thing, whenever we feel a negative emotion, we don't deal with that emotion but instead we brush it aside in order to make room for more rational thought.
On my path to permanently overcoming depression, I noticed two things I was doing in regards to my emotions:
First and foremost, I never really learned how to accurately describe my emotions--there isn't an emphasis on learning this in our society, so I never really made an attempt to learn what I was feeling. I would, and still do, feel hungry and think that I am feeling anger. I would feel loneliness and think that I was feeling sadness. I'm a very thin person by my natural genetics, so this doesn't apply to me, but I know many people who when they feel bored they think they are hungry. Before I could overcome depression, I needed to correct my interpretation of myself and my emotions. The word "depression" is such an overbearing term that it makes it unmanageable, but when you break it down into its individual components: Sadness, loneliness, fear, etc. Those emotions are manageable.
The second thing I was doing with my emotions was that I wasn't really addressing them. Part of this was because I didn't know what emotion I was feeling, and the other part was because I thought it wasn't acceptable to feel emotions and to act on those emotions and a third part of this was that I didn't know how to address my emotions. We are generally taught that if we feel anger we should put it aside because it can never lead to a good outcome; but this is an incorrect statement and only leads us to never addressing the emotion! Anger is just an emotion--the acts that people do because of it are bad, but the Anger is just an indication that you are in conflict with someone else or with yourself. You need to resolve your conflicts in order to stop feeling angry and you can't push them aside and forget about them without first addressing them.
The third ingredient to my all-natural anti-depressant is addressing your emotions. You will have to first learn what emotions you are feeling, and then learn the appropriate response for dealing with them. The next time you recognize that you feel a certain way, you will probably have to put conscious effort into determining why you feel that way. Again, remember that other people don't make you feel a certain way--our language is such that it would make us think that they do simply because the natural response is to say: so and so is making my angry--other people trigger the emotion, they don't force it upon you. Once you can determine what triggered the emotion you can address it. If your friend jumping out of a bush scared you and you were angry because of it, you could appropriately address that emotion by telling your friend that you are angry and to please not do that again.
Everyone handles their emotions differently, for some people having some room to breath (being away from others) helps them to calm down and release the emotion. For others, doing something enjoyable that takes their mind off of the emotion helps them release the emotion. Sometimes verbalizing or talking about the emotion with someone else can help you release the emotion. You may even have to try all of the above depending on what emotion you are feeling. The key here is to make a conscious effort to do these things. You want to allow yourself to feel sad, you want to allow yourself to feel angry, you want to allow yourself to feel scared, because after you have had the time to feel the emotion, (in other words to address it) you will no longer feel that emotion.
Addressing your emotions can take time. We don't always have consecutive time to address our emotions and so sometimes you might find that you can only squeeze 10 min of time here and 10 min of time there to focus on that emotion, but if you make a conscious effort to resolve the emotion and you come back to that conscious effort at every earliest opportunity, eventually you won't feel that emotion anymore. Once you no longer feel the predominant emotion, you can start focusing on doing the things that will make you feel happy.
NEXT: Part 4
Sunday, November 3, 2013
13 Beliefs
[[I updated this and re-posted to add 3 more and adjust some phrases]]
Although some people might disagree when I say this, I am very open to reason and not stubborn.--The thing is, I believe what I believe very firmly until I am presented with an overpowering argument. I feel like being stubborn is to refuse to listen to other peoples' arguments. Being stubborn is to not give people the benefit of the doubt. Being stubborn is when you fully know that you are wrong and yet you stick with it.--I'm not stubborn. Just like many rhetoricians instruct, I try to be open to the truth and argument and consensus.
Although some people might disagree when I say this, I am very open to reason and not stubborn.--The thing is, I believe what I believe very firmly until I am presented with an overpowering argument. I feel like being stubborn is to refuse to listen to other peoples' arguments. Being stubborn is to not give people the benefit of the doubt. Being stubborn is when you fully know that you are wrong and yet you stick with it.--I'm not stubborn. Just like many rhetoricians instruct, I try to be open to the truth and argument and consensus.
I have been working on this weighty project for several months. It is a list of core things that I believe in. I have taken into account as many viewpoints as possible, I have asked questions, had discussions, and spent hours thinking about these things and I feel as though this list is a list of things that I stand firm in. I am open to changing my mind provided an overpowering argument is presented to me, but as I already stated, I've been working on this for several months--you might even say years--and these are the things that I have rooted myself in:
I believe in:
1.
Universal Truth and Universal Constants
a.
Yes, there is ALWAYS one thing that is true and
a lot of partial or non-truths.
b.
But the truth is trumped by how it affects
people.
2.
Life is a compilation of memorable experiences
a.
All we know is what we have experienced.
b.
Life is the combination of our spirit-body and
our physical-body.
i.
We existed in our spirit-body before we had a
physical body.
ii.
Our physical body can be destroyed.
iii.
Our spirit body is indestructible and
constitutes our whole persona.
iv.
Before we were born we were learning universal
skillsets, which are manifested as natural talent here in this life.
3.
Everything must eventually end
a.
There are only two things that will always
exist: our spirits and universal truth.
b.
Spiritual beings and universal truth is all that
really matters because it is constant.
i.
(1-b) Spiritual beings trump universal truth,
because spiritual beings are active and universal truth is passive and cannot
change.
c.
Everything must end because spiritual beings
exist
i.
Unlike universal truth, spiritual beings change
things and make an impact.
ii.
Spiritual beings aren’t always constant, they
may make one decision one day and another decision another day.
d.
More correctly, everything goes through a cycle
of phases: beginning and ending and then beginning again
i.
Once created, the basis of our universe—the
elements—can never be destroyed but are merely recyclable.
ii.
Endings are the pre-cursor to beginnings.
iii.
Things don’t begin and end—these are just
states—things change.
e.
Even though things are beginning and ending all
of the time, they are not returning to their original state; each time they
change they become different.
f.
Even when they change from one state to another
and back again they come back as a different version of the same thing.
4.
We--sentient spirits--are the most powerful
things in the universe
a.
Because we are spiritual, we have the potential
to affect everything in the universe.
b.
We are also the dominant spiritual being, more
dominant than animals because of our intelligence and power.
5.
What we experience through life is based on how
we react to new events in our life
a.
True, the events in our life shape us, but
ultimately we control how we react to them.
i.
We may not be able to control all of the events
in our life and therefore sometimes we are forced to make decisions and changes
ii.
But we can always control how we feel about such
things: positive or negative
b.
One of the greatest skills we can develop is the
ability to accept whatever life gives us
6.
When life is not forcing us to change and shape, we have unlimited possibilities
a.
We are such powerful beings that we can
accomplish anything that we set our minds to
i.
Our minds, the connection between spirit and
body, are so powerful that we can overcome our physical limitations
ii.
Our minds can reframe our realities into
enjoying the bad moments and we can find happiness from anything (but only if
we learn to use our minds)
b.
Even if life forces us to change, we can change
back so long as we want to
i.
Sometimes forced change is caused by universal
constants and other times it is caused by other people
1.
Universal constants are always going to force us
to change, and attempting to live contrary to them will always be difficult but
possible.
2.
Change caused by other people will not always
come by force and we can oftentimes find a balance between the wants of others
and the wants of ourselves.
7.
No two people are the same
a.
Our experiences shape us, and different
combinations of experiences have different effects on different people
b.
It is impossible for two people to experience
the same things
i.
Past experiences emphasize or de-emphasize our
present experiences
1.
Certain combinations of experiences in the
correct order shape people in similar ways, but having the correct combinations
is very difficult.
2.
Sex is one of the closest experiences two people
can share, because one causes the experiences of the other and vice versa.
ii.
Location and distance prevents people from
experiencing the same results in the same way.
iii.
The time when people experience similar things
can have an effect on how the individual experiences those things.
iv.
Pre-disposition, perceptions, beliefs, and
desires effect how people experience the same things.
8.
There are four distinct obstacles facing all
mankind
a.
Death
i.
We all die, but we don’t all cope with it in the
same way because we are different
ii.
To overcome death we either need to make
something out of the lives we are living, develop a way to live forever in
happiness, or find a way to live life comfortable with everything that happens.
1.
Making something out of our lives is called
building a heritage, and pharaohs, kings, and even great minds do this by
creating that their name gets attached to whether it is a tomb, a kingdom, or
an invention or way of thinking.
b.
Curiosity
i.
We are always striving to learn and experience
new things and make sense of things that don’t make sense. However, there is no
limit to the thing we can learn and experience
ii.
To overcome curiosity, we either need to accept
that there is no limit and to learn to be comfortable with what we do know and
experience, or to forever pacify our curiosity by exploring everything.
c.
Purpose
i.
No one wants to do things aimlessly. We desire
that everything we do contributes to a greater aspect of life.
ii.
To overcome our desire for purpose, we need to
have goals, dreams and desires and know ourselves—our wants and desires—then we
need to apply all of our actions towards those things.
d.
Desires for connection with others
i.
There is a universal constant related to the
change that is ever present from life (3-c), that as people change they move
apart from one another unless they are growing together.
ii.
If both people are not growing together, then
they are getting further apart.
iii.
To overcome our desires to connect with others,
we need to find people who are willing to grow towards us, and we need to grow
towards them.
9.
Relationships are what matter most in this life
a.
Because people are always changing and
everything else is constant, people are the catalyst of everything in life
i.
Although universal truth is important, it will
always remain the same and never change—once you know the truth you are no
longer curious about it.
ii.
Because people change, you can always point your
curiosity towards them.
b.
People contain infinite energy, infinite power,
and infinite ability
i.
It is easier to access the power inside of us when
we are joined with other people
1.
When people are paired, the reaction that one
person has on the other can spark a greater impact than for an individual to
make decisions and changes on their own.
2.
In good relationships one will improve the
quality of life and experience of the other through motivating and beneficially
influencing the other person.
3.
However, in bad relationships, the pairing will
have a negative effect; it can limit one’s potential, energy, ability and
power.
10.
Society and Community are important aspects of
individual life
a.
Society and community is an interconnectedness
of individuals to one another
b.
Societies require a slight contract in order to
remain in balance
i.
We are obligated to follow commonly consented
social contracts simply because we are a part of society
ii.
Unless we discover a way to truly live in
isolation, we will always have to submit to some form of society’s contracts.
c.
Societies help individuals accomplish things
they might not otherwise accomplish
1.
[such as peace, civility, freedom, etc.]
11.
We have a responsibility to act ethically
a.
There is a disturbance in the universe that
prevents
b.
Each act we make creates a consequence, which
causes that disturbance, therefore we need to align our acts with universal
truth as much as possible in order to balance the natural movement of the
universe.
12.
An Ethical act is one that brings about a good
outcome
a.
Regardless of intent or what it says about you,
the universally ethical act is the one that creates a good outcome.
b.
We can only judge other people, and ourselves,
by the outcomes that we bring about.
c.
We should make every attempt to create good
outcomes.
d.
It is our responsibility to correct all of the
bad outcomes we create, regardless of intent.
13.
Conflict occurs when the universe is unbalanced
a.
Conflict is a disagreement through which two forces
involved perceive a threat to their needs, interests or concerns.
b.
Sentient beings can have conflicts with Universal
constants.
c.
In order to overcome the human condition, we
have to resolve our conflicts with Universal constants and other sentient
beings.
I'm still working on this list and will continue to develop my ideas as I become more and more firm about beliefs I will add to it, though I have tried to start with what I thought was most important.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Pure Love
Listening to a few songs by Christians and by agnostics or otherwise, I started to think about Pure Love. Let me describe it to you:
It is universal--the way you love your dog, your friend, your parents, your spouse--it's the same.
Love never ends, once you love someone this way, you can't retract it or else you will invalidate your love
Love protects others
But Love lets others protect themselves because, Love is freedom from intervention
Love is learning about the life of the person you are loving; their strengths, weaknesses, goals, dreams, desires, and the problems they are facing presently.
Love is listening and expressing empathy
Love is being proactive instead of reactive
Love leads you to take full accountability for your actions
Love is apologizing and correcting yourself
Love is never walking away from someone because Love is always being available
Love is overcoming fears
Love is overcoming the pain those we love cause us by forgiving them
Love is thinking in groups rather than as an individual
Love is always unique
Love is desirable to give as much as it is to receive
Love is what I'm trying to have for you
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
All-Natural Anti-depressant: Part 2
I didn't know where best to throw this section in the order of things, so I'm putting it towards the front of my series rather than the end because this is how it is listed in every self-help book out there. This section is my harp back to traditional self-help, because I think this tactic works.
Reread:
INTRODUCTION
PART 1 - Create Space
PERSUADE YOURSELF
Back when I first discovered self-help and positive literature, including some NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming), and positive psychology, one of the first steps that these books pointed out was to give yourself a pep talk every day. There is something magical to telling yourself that you are confident, telling yourself that you're going to make that next big sale, or telling yourself that you can accomplish the task before you. Doing these things leads you to the success you're hoping for.
Several very intelligent people recommend looking yourself in the mirror each morning and complimenting yourself. I tried this for about a month and I think I saw some great results from it, but I think that this is only on the surface of some deeper truth. I think that underneath this important step is persuading yourself that you can heal yourself and that you can be happy again.
When I hit my lowest low in life, I was a little over 20 years old. It was the winter time in West Virginia during the storm they called Snowmageddon that hit the east coast, including Pennsylvania, Maine and New York and a little town called Kingwood, WV. I remember taking a picture of me standing next to a pile of snow on my porch that my memory believes was taller than I am (6'0). The snow had fallen just three or four times but it closed down every road and store in town. We weren't going anywhere.
I was on an LDS mission. I was doing what I believed in--or trying to--but I felt more like Rodrigo in Roland Joffe's film, "The Mission" (1986) during the scene in which he carries his armor through the Amazon. I carried a lot of guilt and shame with me through my mission because of the things I did before my mission. Growing up in this religion it was ingrained in me that sex before marriage was one of the worst sins a person could commit, next to murder, and unfortunately the moment arose when my girlfriend at the time told me she was pregnant and I threw my own beliefs out the window and told her to have an abortion. I was Judas in my own mind. Serving a mission was supposed to absolve me of my sins and give me the opportunity to give back to others and look beyond myself, but it didn't allow me that.
I told myself and other people that I was going on a mission to benefit people other than myself; my primary intentions were noble. Absolving my sins and proving to myself that I can accomplish what I set out to, these were my secondary motives. I definitely thought I worked hard to get out on a mission and that I had accomplished a major goal in life and hoped that it would be a refreshing experience to strengthen my core beliefs. My father and I had flipped a house to earn the money for my mission, I had read my scriptures and prayed daily since I was 15 (then 19) only missed a couple days of church in my life, stood up and bore testimony every first sunday of the month for years. The day I left I felt like I was on fire because I had prepared so much for this monumentous experience of my life--expectations were high and I was so positive because everyone supported me and made me think I was doing the right thing. I felt good.
But my mission hit me with the darkest times in my entire life thus far. I was shut down and snubbed out in a political game played by my superiors who, in my mind, were on missions, just as I was, for selfish motives. Fame was the coveted prize of everyone around me. Strict obedience, zero questioning, and sucking up lead to that fame and fame lead to power and respect. I became the bane of my mission president when other missionaries told him that I was stubborn, proud, and created conflict wherever I went because I wasn't sucking up and I have an inquisitive mind. I felt like I was under attack all the time and that my efforts were never good enough and was always suspicious of my colleagues because I suspected they were going to use me as a scapegoat in order to get ahead. I received conflicting information from members of the church on one hand and other missionaries on the other--the members grew to love me and told me I was the best missionary they had ever experienced, yet the missionaries made me think I was the worst, made me feel hated.
I became very crazy, internally--externally I was fine, or made an attempt to be. I tried to be strong, tried not to show emotion, tried to not let things get me down, but a conflict was eating me alive. I was dealing with the guilt of my "sins" from before my mission on a regular basis--they made me think the hardships I faced were related as though God were cursing me. I dealt with the conflicting views of members vs. missionaries and thought that one or both were wrong and that I was on the wrong side of the line. I was physically exhausted all of the time, didn't sleep enough, didn't eat healthy enough, possibly suffered from malnutrition and overall my mind wasn't working correctly because of the damage being caused on my brain physically and psychologically. I was verbally abused by the people I met on the streets who knew nothing of the religion I was trying to share with them or me as a person. Worst of all, I went on my mission to help people and I grew to feel worthless because I wasn't helping anyone and my leaders told me conflicting instructions that preventing me from helping anyone the way I knew how to help people--raking someone's leaves, shoveling their snow, or assisting them with tasks they were too elderly to manage were considered a waste of time to my superiors. When the snowstorm hit, I was locked away in our apartment and suffered from a form of cabin fever. We couldn't go outside and yet I didn't want to stay in. I fought a battle with guilt thinking that I should always be working always using my time wisely because it wasn't my time--it was time I had given to my God and therefore I should maximize my efficiency. I locked myself away, did little to nothing for myself, and it was eating me alive.
My problem wasn't all of the conflict however, my problem was that I didn't know any different--didn't know that I didn't have to be unhappy. Just like Rodrigio who believed he had to carry the huge weight around, I was carrying the weight of my past and the weight of myself, I was internalizing the verbal attacks on me by my superiors and carrying the weight of self-doubt caused by the conflicting world around me. The hardships I faced on my mission were trivial--circumstances brought me down, people were mean to me, people I thought I could trust were nowhere to be found, I was purposefully isolated from family, I felt very little love and was under constant stress--but these things are nothing. We humans aren't made to be crippled by circumstances, we're made to survive. We're made to thrive in hardship. For many people living in the world today, the purpose of life is discovering happiness in the hard times. As bad as my situation became, I believe that if I knew what I know now, none of that would have mattered and I wouldn't have been brought to contemplating suicide again and ultimately, thankfully, settling with coming home from my mission first to decide if life really was so bad or if I was just trapped in a bad situation.
In order to be happy, you have to persuade yourself to believe that you can be happy. You have to persuade yourself to believe that you are worth something to someone (yourself) and that your life matters, that the experiences you have and the circumstances that you are in, they all matter and they all make up who you are. You have to convince yourself that there is hope out there, that you don't have to be so sad, that whatever circumstances are bringing you down, they are only temporary. I would say a majority of the sad times in my life were circumstantial. They happened and then they passed; even though at the time I thought they would never pass they made time seem to slow down.
Hope is an important part of happiness--at its base I think it is somewhat cheesy and I never appreciate it when someone else tells me to have hope because the lack of hope is the inability to appreciate things the way they are. Everyone knows that hope is the firm belief that something better is going to happen, but few people realize that the lack of hope isn't that something worse is going to happen--that's dread. The lack of hope is the inability to see and appreciate the way things are in the present. Having hope makes you appreciate the way things are now and where they are going. Hope means you're comfortable with your life.
When you're depressed you're not comfortable with your life. When you're depressed you see other people and think it would be better to trade your life for theirs. The root of what most self-help books teach is that you are capable of doing it on your own--that you are capable of becoming comfortable with the way things are. Self-help teaches hope.--that's right, teaches--because it's something you have to learn. Hope isn't given at birth, it is learned.
Self confidence is also learned, not inherited. Confidence means being comfortable with yourself in your present situation. People who are confident learn confidence through a pattern of trial, error, and success--they take risks, devote themselves, and then when they see success it adds to their confidence. When a baby first learns to walk, they lack confidence and instead have doubt and fear. Doubt leads them to not want to try because it is the belief that their actions don't bring about the desired results, and so they pick up their feet so that a helpful adult can't set them on their feet. Fear leads them to quit after starting but before they see success and so they only go as far as one step or they force themselves to fall on their butt. Confidence replaces fear and doubt, but the only way to build confidence is to see success--to observe the connection between actions and successful outcomes, to take one step while holding the hand of a trusted adult who will catch them when the are about to fall, or to hold onto a wall or walker.
I think the underlying motive of self-help books is to give you micro examples of success that you can build upon until you have enough hope to try new, bigger things. This develops a kind of confidence muscle just like walking develops strength and balance in a child. Complimenting yourself each morning teaches you that you do in fact like things about yourself and leads to the hope that others will like things about yourself, and that is enough for you to make an attempt and open up to other people. The trick is to persuade yourself by whatever means to believe two things: that your goal of being happy is achievable by anyone who tries regardless of circumstances, and that you have the tools to achieve that goal.
The tools used to convince other people are the same tools you will have to use on yourself, except you can even go as far as manipulating yourself. Some good tools I have found are:
Repetition/Persistence - Constantly tell yourself things as though they are fact until you start to believe it
Apply Logic - Logic is merely "this leads to this... leads to this...," such as if I get out of bed, I will have time to go to the gym, and working out makes me feel good about myself, therefore I will get out of bed now.
Don't beat yourself up - when you fail at things or don't do them the way that you would like, which you will at some point, rather than reflecting on how bad you are, remind yourself that you have to fail a few times before you learn what works. You'll feel sad even moments after you had a great experience and rather than beat yourself up over being so inconsistent, tell yourself that you're in a learning process and that in order for you to learn you have to have moments like this.
Compliment yourself - Periodically throughout the day plan on stopping everything you do to giving yourself a mental compliment and commit to not continue doing anything until you find something you like about yourself. This forces you to pay closer attention to the things you like about yourself rather than focusing on all of the negative.
Bribe yourself - After you recognize your mood change for the worse, promise yourself something as a bribe for the moment that you pull out of it. Make sure that you follow through with your bribe though and don't set too high of a bounty.
Leave notes to yourself - Notes help you remember things and they can bring a level of excitement if you receive them unexpectedly. Try mailing yourself a letter with a positive message about yourself and things you are learning about hope and confidence.
Pretend you are already there - Acting has a way of making the unreal real. Give your best impression of a happy, confident person and you might just learn a few things about how confidence and hope really work.
The second ingredient to my All-Natural Anti-Depressant is persuading yourself to believe, to have hope, and to be confident. Use whatever means necessary, even lie to yourself if you have to because individual hope and self-confidence are worth it.
Next: PART 3
Several very intelligent people recommend looking yourself in the mirror each morning and complimenting yourself. I tried this for about a month and I think I saw some great results from it, but I think that this is only on the surface of some deeper truth. I think that underneath this important step is persuading yourself that you can heal yourself and that you can be happy again.
When I hit my lowest low in life, I was a little over 20 years old. It was the winter time in West Virginia during the storm they called Snowmageddon that hit the east coast, including Pennsylvania, Maine and New York and a little town called Kingwood, WV. I remember taking a picture of me standing next to a pile of snow on my porch that my memory believes was taller than I am (6'0). The snow had fallen just three or four times but it closed down every road and store in town. We weren't going anywhere.
I was on an LDS mission. I was doing what I believed in--or trying to--but I felt more like Rodrigo in Roland Joffe's film, "The Mission" (1986) during the scene in which he carries his armor through the Amazon. I carried a lot of guilt and shame with me through my mission because of the things I did before my mission. Growing up in this religion it was ingrained in me that sex before marriage was one of the worst sins a person could commit, next to murder, and unfortunately the moment arose when my girlfriend at the time told me she was pregnant and I threw my own beliefs out the window and told her to have an abortion. I was Judas in my own mind. Serving a mission was supposed to absolve me of my sins and give me the opportunity to give back to others and look beyond myself, but it didn't allow me that.
I told myself and other people that I was going on a mission to benefit people other than myself; my primary intentions were noble. Absolving my sins and proving to myself that I can accomplish what I set out to, these were my secondary motives. I definitely thought I worked hard to get out on a mission and that I had accomplished a major goal in life and hoped that it would be a refreshing experience to strengthen my core beliefs. My father and I had flipped a house to earn the money for my mission, I had read my scriptures and prayed daily since I was 15 (then 19) only missed a couple days of church in my life, stood up and bore testimony every first sunday of the month for years. The day I left I felt like I was on fire because I had prepared so much for this monumentous experience of my life--expectations were high and I was so positive because everyone supported me and made me think I was doing the right thing. I felt good.
But my mission hit me with the darkest times in my entire life thus far. I was shut down and snubbed out in a political game played by my superiors who, in my mind, were on missions, just as I was, for selfish motives. Fame was the coveted prize of everyone around me. Strict obedience, zero questioning, and sucking up lead to that fame and fame lead to power and respect. I became the bane of my mission president when other missionaries told him that I was stubborn, proud, and created conflict wherever I went because I wasn't sucking up and I have an inquisitive mind. I felt like I was under attack all the time and that my efforts were never good enough and was always suspicious of my colleagues because I suspected they were going to use me as a scapegoat in order to get ahead. I received conflicting information from members of the church on one hand and other missionaries on the other--the members grew to love me and told me I was the best missionary they had ever experienced, yet the missionaries made me think I was the worst, made me feel hated.
I became very crazy, internally--externally I was fine, or made an attempt to be. I tried to be strong, tried not to show emotion, tried to not let things get me down, but a conflict was eating me alive. I was dealing with the guilt of my "sins" from before my mission on a regular basis--they made me think the hardships I faced were related as though God were cursing me. I dealt with the conflicting views of members vs. missionaries and thought that one or both were wrong and that I was on the wrong side of the line. I was physically exhausted all of the time, didn't sleep enough, didn't eat healthy enough, possibly suffered from malnutrition and overall my mind wasn't working correctly because of the damage being caused on my brain physically and psychologically. I was verbally abused by the people I met on the streets who knew nothing of the religion I was trying to share with them or me as a person. Worst of all, I went on my mission to help people and I grew to feel worthless because I wasn't helping anyone and my leaders told me conflicting instructions that preventing me from helping anyone the way I knew how to help people--raking someone's leaves, shoveling their snow, or assisting them with tasks they were too elderly to manage were considered a waste of time to my superiors. When the snowstorm hit, I was locked away in our apartment and suffered from a form of cabin fever. We couldn't go outside and yet I didn't want to stay in. I fought a battle with guilt thinking that I should always be working always using my time wisely because it wasn't my time--it was time I had given to my God and therefore I should maximize my efficiency. I locked myself away, did little to nothing for myself, and it was eating me alive.
My problem wasn't all of the conflict however, my problem was that I didn't know any different--didn't know that I didn't have to be unhappy. Just like Rodrigio who believed he had to carry the huge weight around, I was carrying the weight of my past and the weight of myself, I was internalizing the verbal attacks on me by my superiors and carrying the weight of self-doubt caused by the conflicting world around me. The hardships I faced on my mission were trivial--circumstances brought me down, people were mean to me, people I thought I could trust were nowhere to be found, I was purposefully isolated from family, I felt very little love and was under constant stress--but these things are nothing. We humans aren't made to be crippled by circumstances, we're made to survive. We're made to thrive in hardship. For many people living in the world today, the purpose of life is discovering happiness in the hard times. As bad as my situation became, I believe that if I knew what I know now, none of that would have mattered and I wouldn't have been brought to contemplating suicide again and ultimately, thankfully, settling with coming home from my mission first to decide if life really was so bad or if I was just trapped in a bad situation.
In order to be happy, you have to persuade yourself to believe that you can be happy. You have to persuade yourself to believe that you are worth something to someone (yourself) and that your life matters, that the experiences you have and the circumstances that you are in, they all matter and they all make up who you are. You have to convince yourself that there is hope out there, that you don't have to be so sad, that whatever circumstances are bringing you down, they are only temporary. I would say a majority of the sad times in my life were circumstantial. They happened and then they passed; even though at the time I thought they would never pass they made time seem to slow down.
Hope is an important part of happiness--at its base I think it is somewhat cheesy and I never appreciate it when someone else tells me to have hope because the lack of hope is the inability to appreciate things the way they are. Everyone knows that hope is the firm belief that something better is going to happen, but few people realize that the lack of hope isn't that something worse is going to happen--that's dread. The lack of hope is the inability to see and appreciate the way things are in the present. Having hope makes you appreciate the way things are now and where they are going. Hope means you're comfortable with your life.
When you're depressed you're not comfortable with your life. When you're depressed you see other people and think it would be better to trade your life for theirs. The root of what most self-help books teach is that you are capable of doing it on your own--that you are capable of becoming comfortable with the way things are. Self-help teaches hope.--that's right, teaches--because it's something you have to learn. Hope isn't given at birth, it is learned.
Self confidence is also learned, not inherited. Confidence means being comfortable with yourself in your present situation. People who are confident learn confidence through a pattern of trial, error, and success--they take risks, devote themselves, and then when they see success it adds to their confidence. When a baby first learns to walk, they lack confidence and instead have doubt and fear. Doubt leads them to not want to try because it is the belief that their actions don't bring about the desired results, and so they pick up their feet so that a helpful adult can't set them on their feet. Fear leads them to quit after starting but before they see success and so they only go as far as one step or they force themselves to fall on their butt. Confidence replaces fear and doubt, but the only way to build confidence is to see success--to observe the connection between actions and successful outcomes, to take one step while holding the hand of a trusted adult who will catch them when the are about to fall, or to hold onto a wall or walker.
I think the underlying motive of self-help books is to give you micro examples of success that you can build upon until you have enough hope to try new, bigger things. This develops a kind of confidence muscle just like walking develops strength and balance in a child. Complimenting yourself each morning teaches you that you do in fact like things about yourself and leads to the hope that others will like things about yourself, and that is enough for you to make an attempt and open up to other people. The trick is to persuade yourself by whatever means to believe two things: that your goal of being happy is achievable by anyone who tries regardless of circumstances, and that you have the tools to achieve that goal.
The tools used to convince other people are the same tools you will have to use on yourself, except you can even go as far as manipulating yourself. Some good tools I have found are:
Repetition/Persistence - Constantly tell yourself things as though they are fact until you start to believe it
Apply Logic - Logic is merely "this leads to this... leads to this...," such as if I get out of bed, I will have time to go to the gym, and working out makes me feel good about myself, therefore I will get out of bed now.
Don't beat yourself up - when you fail at things or don't do them the way that you would like, which you will at some point, rather than reflecting on how bad you are, remind yourself that you have to fail a few times before you learn what works. You'll feel sad even moments after you had a great experience and rather than beat yourself up over being so inconsistent, tell yourself that you're in a learning process and that in order for you to learn you have to have moments like this.
Compliment yourself - Periodically throughout the day plan on stopping everything you do to giving yourself a mental compliment and commit to not continue doing anything until you find something you like about yourself. This forces you to pay closer attention to the things you like about yourself rather than focusing on all of the negative.
Bribe yourself - After you recognize your mood change for the worse, promise yourself something as a bribe for the moment that you pull out of it. Make sure that you follow through with your bribe though and don't set too high of a bounty.
Leave notes to yourself - Notes help you remember things and they can bring a level of excitement if you receive them unexpectedly. Try mailing yourself a letter with a positive message about yourself and things you are learning about hope and confidence.
Pretend you are already there - Acting has a way of making the unreal real. Give your best impression of a happy, confident person and you might just learn a few things about how confidence and hope really work.
The second ingredient to my All-Natural Anti-Depressant is persuading yourself to believe, to have hope, and to be confident. Use whatever means necessary, even lie to yourself if you have to because individual hope and self-confidence are worth it.
Next: PART 3
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
All-Natural Anti-Depressant: Part 1
DEDICATION
This series is dedicated to two individuals, My grandmother, who battled depression, battled mental illness, battled cancer, battled hip replacement surgery, and came out ahead. She healed herself mentally and although ultimately cancer took her, she survived cancer for 20+ years.
The second individual is myself, because I did this myself, I survived, and I'm where I want to be and it feels good!
INTRODUCTION found HERE
My All-Natural Anti-Depressant: Part 1 of 9
OUTLINE
1. Create Space
2. Persuade Yourself
3. Emotions
4. Broaden your Perspective: Situations
5. Broaden your Perspective: Truth
6. Be Individual
7. Be Constructive
8. Balance (+) (-)
9. Conclusion
ONE - CREATE SPACE
During my first real spout of depression, I was about eleven years old, living in Farmington, UT on the west side of Glover Ln before there were houses around there. My life was mostly peaceful and as I look at it from an adult perspective I really had nothing to complain about but depression has a way of skewing your mind. My depression started because I didn't know how to deal with other kids my age, no one taught me the necessary skills and I lacked the knowledge and understanding to keep my emotions in check.
I was in 5th grade and was constantly bullied by other kids in the 6th grade. I remember one incident gaining the victory over said bullies, but that was late into the year and they left elementary before any real outcome came from it. I can recall that my emotions were so strong that day that when he started picking on me I took a fist to his face and gave him a bloody nose. We were waiting for the bus to head home for the day and the teacher who was with us didn't see it--thankfully. When she asked him why his nose was bleeding he coped an answer, "I just get bloody noses sometimes." I got on the bus and that was the last time he bothered me.
Had I been confronted by the teacher, I think this victory might have resulted in a bust--I would have been more confused, more angry, and the bully would have continued bullying me. Regardless, the year ended and I never saw him again because my family moved during the last 3 months of my 6th grade and I never attended Jr. High in Farmington.
My sixth grade was worse, however, because instead of facing older kids, who in the mind of a child, older meant more deserving of respect and submission, I was pitted against people my own age--people who were once my best friends. In the 90s being gay was despicable --I wasn't gay, but that didn't stop my peers from bullying me and claiming I was. I believe the rumors started because of jealousy--that I had started to become more popular than they, that I had things a little better; but really, things aren't better if you go through life in fear that you will face a situation you can't handle, face a bully who might actually say something to you that you think is true, face yourself degrading yourself. To add to it, my best childhood friend moved from Farmington because of incidents beyond his control--his father took his own life and his mother died when he was a child. He had to move in with his Aunt, who lived in Orem. --I have had no contact with him since, even though I would like to so I can feel a little closure about his departure.
Moving at such a fragile time in life may have harmed me more than helped me. I finished 6th grade as a hero at a new school--a hero who others despised because I got so much attention. Imagine going to a new school where the teachers tell you: "School is over, don't bother learning because our curriculum is different and you're ahead in school because of it. You've already tested so we have no reason to try." and to the students they say "This is our new student, make friends with him because he has no friends"--people were curious, but I was cast among wolves!
I faced a huge shock from going from a no-body who was trying to survive, to being the most popular kid in school simply because everyone knew who I was--but no one knew me as an individual. I didn't know what I was doing and made friends with all the wrong people thereby upsetting everyone else and making enemies unbeknownst to me. When I entered Jr High, I was treated like everyone else--had no friends--but I was still under the shock of not knowing what to do and I was left to make friends with the wrong people, again. These friends were negative, picked on me because it made them seem superior and built their own self-worth. I was the butt of jokes because I was inept at making friends and didn't have control of my emotions so it was easy to get a rise out of me. I lacked communication skills so I often said things out of place, didn't speak when I should have, and was very socially awkward and lacked self-worth to do anything about it.
I turned inward, told myself it was all my fault for saying stupid things or being a certain way. I thought because I had no friends I was a nobody and worth nothing. I internalized every little thing and though I developed hard skin, my inside was soft and mushy.
My life was one conflict after another: conflict with friends at school, conflict with parents at home, conflict with my sister who lived at home at the time. Everywhere I went there was conflict and I had no where to deal with myself no peaceful place, nothing I could do that gave me enough peace to take care of this. I found the most alone time by turning to video games, turning to the internet, watching TV and avoiding others.
I got to a point where I pretended every insult and every bad thing that happened to me didn't matter and that I was okay with it. I pretended I was strong but I was hurting inside. I got so depressed that I contemplated my suicide, and all of my "friends" were telling me to "go kill [myself]" anyway, so I thought that "maybe I would be ahead to give them what they want."
I discovered that my parents kept a revolver under the jet-tub cupboard, and my parents never really controlled pills in our household so I contemplated either. I thought about hanging myself in the tree in the back yard, or in the garage.
But one day I found just enough peace while browsing the net to realize that I needed to work on my self-worth. I stumbled into a few self-help books that talked about first building up yourself and then you can change the world around you. I wanted to be significant in the world, I wanted to "change the world" and so I needed to change myself.
Changing myself wasn't my first step, and changing myself is a daunting task that takes a lifetime; my first step was creating space. I needed to distance myself from negative influences. All of those influences that were harmful to my well being, I made the choice to distance myself from them. I stopped hanging around friends who picked on me. I avoided my parents when they were upset. I avoided my siblings when they were on the war path. If I thought it was making me feel worse, I got rid of it.
I started to stand up for myself a little more. When someone said something about me, whether joking or malicious, I told them not to make fun of me or call me names, "Don't call me that again, it's not funny!" --I probably came off very rude (to people who were rude to me), but I needed to do that in order to save myself. Sometimes, you may need to punch someone in the face in order for them to get the message that you're sick of their negative influence.
I'm not promoting the complete abandonment of other people. In time, you will be able to handle your depression and it won't matter who you are around, or what other people tell you. But until you are stronger, you need to get rid of all of those negative influences because they drag you down now. Creating space doesn't mean burning bridges, it means crossing bridges but leaving them in tact.
Around that time period I abandoned the Violin. According to my violin coach, I had reached a point where I needed to dive in fully if I were to advance in the field, I was performing solos, I was the lead in the orchestra, I guess you could say I was pretty good. But the violin was eating up too much of my time. It wasn't a choice I made on my own, to play violin, and so a part of me despised it and despised who I was becoming with it, so I quit. Because of Violin, I felt guilty when I didn't practice, I felt low when I wasn't getting compliments because I was using my violin to get attention and compliments and it had stopped working. It was superficial, I shouldn't have been so focused on getting attention but I put my energy into getting attention and recognition, not on the actual instrument, and when it didn't work it made me feel worse because it wasn't advancing my goal, so I got rid of it.
You also need to create some more personal physical space. People tell you that when you're depressed you should attempt to get out in the world and be active and among people--they rarely tell you to be alone. I think being active and out among people is a good thing, don't get me wrong, but I also think that you should make a conscious effort to be alone. When you're depressed people want to check up on you and cater to you and monitor you, and you want to check up on yourself and monitor yourself, and then you feel uncomfortable being alone as if something is wrong with you that you need someone to watch over you whenever you're alone. Being alone is a good thing, and isn't the goal to be happy always--even when you're alone? Making a conscious effort to be alone gives yourself permission to be okay or to practice being okay whenever you're alone.
In other words, tell those well-meaning people in your life, gently, that you are planning some alone time for an hour or a day, and that you don't want to be bothered. They likely want you to be happy as well, but them making a big deal out of your depression by trying to help you can actually make you feel worse as if you can't deal with this on your own and you aren't autonomous.
If people keep messing with your mind, you have to push them out. That includes people who guilt you into things, people who threaten bad things if you don't comply, even people who have good intentions but who hold too much power over you to feel comfortable in denying them. People are very intrusive. They live in such a competitive world that they forget to turn that competitive mode off when they are in peaceful environments, such as around you.
Space is an important part of everyone's life. Humans carve out territory so that they have room to survive, rejuvenate, and to grow in. If in your own territory you feel threatened, stressed, depressed, hurt, or otherwise, where will you go to rest? Sometimes we feel depressed because there is no safe place for us, whether physical or psychological, so our response is to shut down physically, mentally, and emotionally. The worst part about this is that we don't even realize that there are forces acting on us that trigger our depression--we simply think that we are tired, sad, or lonely and that we have no control over it.
Hop to it! Take some alone time and set correct boundaries for your personal territory.
Next: PART 2
This series is dedicated to two individuals, My grandmother, who battled depression, battled mental illness, battled cancer, battled hip replacement surgery, and came out ahead. She healed herself mentally and although ultimately cancer took her, she survived cancer for 20+ years.
The second individual is myself, because I did this myself, I survived, and I'm where I want to be and it feels good!
INTRODUCTION found HERE
My All-Natural Anti-Depressant: Part 1 of 9
OUTLINE
1. Create Space
2. Persuade Yourself
3. Emotions
4. Broaden your Perspective: Situations
5. Broaden your Perspective: Truth
6. Be Individual
7. Be Constructive
8. Balance (+) (-)
9. Conclusion
ONE - CREATE SPACE
During my first real spout of depression, I was about eleven years old, living in Farmington, UT on the west side of Glover Ln before there were houses around there. My life was mostly peaceful and as I look at it from an adult perspective I really had nothing to complain about but depression has a way of skewing your mind. My depression started because I didn't know how to deal with other kids my age, no one taught me the necessary skills and I lacked the knowledge and understanding to keep my emotions in check.
I was in 5th grade and was constantly bullied by other kids in the 6th grade. I remember one incident gaining the victory over said bullies, but that was late into the year and they left elementary before any real outcome came from it. I can recall that my emotions were so strong that day that when he started picking on me I took a fist to his face and gave him a bloody nose. We were waiting for the bus to head home for the day and the teacher who was with us didn't see it--thankfully. When she asked him why his nose was bleeding he coped an answer, "I just get bloody noses sometimes." I got on the bus and that was the last time he bothered me.
Had I been confronted by the teacher, I think this victory might have resulted in a bust--I would have been more confused, more angry, and the bully would have continued bullying me. Regardless, the year ended and I never saw him again because my family moved during the last 3 months of my 6th grade and I never attended Jr. High in Farmington.
My sixth grade was worse, however, because instead of facing older kids, who in the mind of a child, older meant more deserving of respect and submission, I was pitted against people my own age--people who were once my best friends. In the 90s being gay was despicable --I wasn't gay, but that didn't stop my peers from bullying me and claiming I was. I believe the rumors started because of jealousy--that I had started to become more popular than they, that I had things a little better; but really, things aren't better if you go through life in fear that you will face a situation you can't handle, face a bully who might actually say something to you that you think is true, face yourself degrading yourself. To add to it, my best childhood friend moved from Farmington because of incidents beyond his control--his father took his own life and his mother died when he was a child. He had to move in with his Aunt, who lived in Orem. --I have had no contact with him since, even though I would like to so I can feel a little closure about his departure.
Moving at such a fragile time in life may have harmed me more than helped me. I finished 6th grade as a hero at a new school--a hero who others despised because I got so much attention. Imagine going to a new school where the teachers tell you: "School is over, don't bother learning because our curriculum is different and you're ahead in school because of it. You've already tested so we have no reason to try." and to the students they say "This is our new student, make friends with him because he has no friends"--people were curious, but I was cast among wolves!
I faced a huge shock from going from a no-body who was trying to survive, to being the most popular kid in school simply because everyone knew who I was--but no one knew me as an individual. I didn't know what I was doing and made friends with all the wrong people thereby upsetting everyone else and making enemies unbeknownst to me. When I entered Jr High, I was treated like everyone else--had no friends--but I was still under the shock of not knowing what to do and I was left to make friends with the wrong people, again. These friends were negative, picked on me because it made them seem superior and built their own self-worth. I was the butt of jokes because I was inept at making friends and didn't have control of my emotions so it was easy to get a rise out of me. I lacked communication skills so I often said things out of place, didn't speak when I should have, and was very socially awkward and lacked self-worth to do anything about it.
I turned inward, told myself it was all my fault for saying stupid things or being a certain way. I thought because I had no friends I was a nobody and worth nothing. I internalized every little thing and though I developed hard skin, my inside was soft and mushy.
My life was one conflict after another: conflict with friends at school, conflict with parents at home, conflict with my sister who lived at home at the time. Everywhere I went there was conflict and I had no where to deal with myself no peaceful place, nothing I could do that gave me enough peace to take care of this. I found the most alone time by turning to video games, turning to the internet, watching TV and avoiding others.
I got to a point where I pretended every insult and every bad thing that happened to me didn't matter and that I was okay with it. I pretended I was strong but I was hurting inside. I got so depressed that I contemplated my suicide, and all of my "friends" were telling me to "go kill [myself]" anyway, so I thought that "maybe I would be ahead to give them what they want."
I discovered that my parents kept a revolver under the jet-tub cupboard, and my parents never really controlled pills in our household so I contemplated either. I thought about hanging myself in the tree in the back yard, or in the garage.
But one day I found just enough peace while browsing the net to realize that I needed to work on my self-worth. I stumbled into a few self-help books that talked about first building up yourself and then you can change the world around you. I wanted to be significant in the world, I wanted to "change the world" and so I needed to change myself.
Changing myself wasn't my first step, and changing myself is a daunting task that takes a lifetime; my first step was creating space. I needed to distance myself from negative influences. All of those influences that were harmful to my well being, I made the choice to distance myself from them. I stopped hanging around friends who picked on me. I avoided my parents when they were upset. I avoided my siblings when they were on the war path. If I thought it was making me feel worse, I got rid of it.
I started to stand up for myself a little more. When someone said something about me, whether joking or malicious, I told them not to make fun of me or call me names, "Don't call me that again, it's not funny!" --I probably came off very rude (to people who were rude to me), but I needed to do that in order to save myself. Sometimes, you may need to punch someone in the face in order for them to get the message that you're sick of their negative influence.
I'm not promoting the complete abandonment of other people. In time, you will be able to handle your depression and it won't matter who you are around, or what other people tell you. But until you are stronger, you need to get rid of all of those negative influences because they drag you down now. Creating space doesn't mean burning bridges, it means crossing bridges but leaving them in tact.
Around that time period I abandoned the Violin. According to my violin coach, I had reached a point where I needed to dive in fully if I were to advance in the field, I was performing solos, I was the lead in the orchestra, I guess you could say I was pretty good. But the violin was eating up too much of my time. It wasn't a choice I made on my own, to play violin, and so a part of me despised it and despised who I was becoming with it, so I quit. Because of Violin, I felt guilty when I didn't practice, I felt low when I wasn't getting compliments because I was using my violin to get attention and compliments and it had stopped working. It was superficial, I shouldn't have been so focused on getting attention but I put my energy into getting attention and recognition, not on the actual instrument, and when it didn't work it made me feel worse because it wasn't advancing my goal, so I got rid of it.
You also need to create some more personal physical space. People tell you that when you're depressed you should attempt to get out in the world and be active and among people--they rarely tell you to be alone. I think being active and out among people is a good thing, don't get me wrong, but I also think that you should make a conscious effort to be alone. When you're depressed people want to check up on you and cater to you and monitor you, and you want to check up on yourself and monitor yourself, and then you feel uncomfortable being alone as if something is wrong with you that you need someone to watch over you whenever you're alone. Being alone is a good thing, and isn't the goal to be happy always--even when you're alone? Making a conscious effort to be alone gives yourself permission to be okay or to practice being okay whenever you're alone.
In other words, tell those well-meaning people in your life, gently, that you are planning some alone time for an hour or a day, and that you don't want to be bothered. They likely want you to be happy as well, but them making a big deal out of your depression by trying to help you can actually make you feel worse as if you can't deal with this on your own and you aren't autonomous.
If people keep messing with your mind, you have to push them out. That includes people who guilt you into things, people who threaten bad things if you don't comply, even people who have good intentions but who hold too much power over you to feel comfortable in denying them. People are very intrusive. They live in such a competitive world that they forget to turn that competitive mode off when they are in peaceful environments, such as around you.
Space is an important part of everyone's life. Humans carve out territory so that they have room to survive, rejuvenate, and to grow in. If in your own territory you feel threatened, stressed, depressed, hurt, or otherwise, where will you go to rest? Sometimes we feel depressed because there is no safe place for us, whether physical or psychological, so our response is to shut down physically, mentally, and emotionally. The worst part about this is that we don't even realize that there are forces acting on us that trigger our depression--we simply think that we are tired, sad, or lonely and that we have no control over it.
Hop to it! Take some alone time and set correct boundaries for your personal territory.
Next: PART 2
Friday, October 18, 2013
All-Natural Anti-Depressant: Intro
INTRODUCTION
I am writing this series of articles because I want the world to know that you don't have to get on pills, you don't have to have a therapist, and you don't have to be miserable in order to deal with your depression. I am living proof that humans have the ability to heal themselves. I have changed my life 180 degrees from being suicidal at age 13, and again at age 20, and finally reaching where I am now: perfectly happy with life and informed of the tools necessary to keep myself in this state.
I have had a couple people tell me that unless you've had severe depression, suicidal depression, you really don't understand depression. Those people have dismissed my claims that I have made a transformation, accusing me of not having as severe a depression as they do. If at the time I had been in that depressed state, it probably would have brought me down again into thinking that my own problems aren't as bad as other peoples' and that I was pathetic for thinking otherwise. --that's not the case. This formula I use is very real, even if it seems skeptical, and it has healed me from years (10+) of emotional baggage.
My claim is simple enough: that you can heal yourself without medication or therapy--just you dealing with yourself living a normal life. You don't need drugs, you don't need religion, and you don't need to see a therapist to heal yourself, the capability is within you and once you tap into it you will feel a sense of power that will one day beat out the skepticism you feel. Coming to the realization that I am about to share with you over the course of these articles will potentially be the most invigorating thing you have ever experienced in your life.
RESOURCES
By and large, I am going to explain my all-natural remedy for depression through my own experiences, however, I couldn't have made it here on my own. I read a lot of material--literature and self-help books--in order to get here. Unfortunately, not everything you read in the field of self-help is proven or even helpful, so I had to weed through the garbage/heresay by testing it out and finding what works for me.
Since I am speaking from my own perspective and experiences, I can't guarantee that these things will work for everyone or every circumstance. The way I respond to depression, I know, was different from the way that other people respond to it, but I have tried to narrow down my basic points to those that I believe apply to everyone. Take what I say as you will, try out the things you aren't sure about and don't do anything you don't think will work because you are the only person who knows you and at the end of the day you are the only person responsible for your happiness and well-being.
WHY THE TITLE?
I chose this title because I have been on a natural-food, healthy living jive lately and I think it's becoming cool to use holistic remedies. The premise behind all-natural remedies is that anyone can make them and that they take an "outside of the box" approach to personal health. This is my "outside of the box" remedy--you can make it yourself, it doesn't require you to purchase or pay for anything, and it's the methods and tools that professionals don't want you to know about because they'd be out of a job!
Interestingly, I heard a quote recently from Vandana Shiva, premier quantum physicist, that explained how many scientists and doctors look at a world perspective from the scope of a petri dish and they apply what they learn to the larger world, without the understanding of causal relationships between the smallest of components and the world around them. I think this applies to society's present approach to dealing with depression: they look at the individual and say that he or she has a problem and that it can be cured with therapy or medicinal drugs. What they don't realize is that life is more than a singular perspective looking at the individual, but is instead three perspectives looking a the individual, the influences of the world around them and the impact and influence they have in turn on the world around them and how that impact circles around to affect them again.--more on this later!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "DEPRESSION"?
This might seem like a silly question to bring up in the introduction, but throughout the years I've dealt with this I realize that not everyone thinks the same things are "depression" some people say depression is merely sad feelings they can't shake, others say it's an overall feeling that is comparable to the feeling of lack of energy. Others say it's a feeling of being crazy and isolated/distant from others. Even others will tell you it's a state of mind rather than a feeling, and that it circles around logically to where they can't escape. I will be using the term "depression" very loosely. Depression is all of these things and more. To me personally, depression was lonliness, it was sadness, it was fear of my future and hopelessness; it was guilt and sorrow, it was a deranged, crazed state, it was occasionally anger at myself or others. For me, depression is both a feeling and a thought and is associated with a circumstance, and once I realized that it became easier to remedy.
WHAT TIMEFRAME ARE WE LOOKING AT?
My personal journey to recovery took me 9 years--I had to learn everything from scratch because no one told me where to look for answers and I internalized everything and didn't want to tell anyone I had a problem. I would get feeling better because some of the things worked, but without the finishing touches I would consistently slip back into depression. I lacked those finishing touches because I hadn't learned them yet. Hopefully this process will go much quicker for readers because I'm giving you access to a whole lot more information, all in one place, than I ever had.
With that in mind, my all-natural anti-depressant can only work as fast as you can. It requires a learning process unlike what they teach in school--there isn't necessarily memorization and regurgitation, you have to actually understand it in order for it to work, and no two people learn at the same rate. Along with learning comes application--none of this stuff is easy; you have to make sacrifices, you have to make hard decisions, you have to make changes to your life and way of thinking and way of approaching problems. If you're serious, I have no doubt that you'll pick all of this up easily, and the best part is that you HAVE to pick this stuff up, you have to adapt and change out of necessity instead of mere want and desire.
Next: PART 1
If you have any questions, comments, or experiences you'd like to share about this, you can direct your emails to consutdz@live.com or leave a comment on this page. I'd be happy to help you if you want some free assistance, but just remember: free advice may be just that...worth nothing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)