Gender Roles--A new conclusion

A year or two ago I set out to study modern gender; or rather, what modern culture sees as gender. --I hold a belief in a Rational Evolution of Society, meaning that society rationally evolves or it does not change unless it makes sense to change, and that this rational society "knows best" about the particular topic. In other words: The more society's opinion evolves, the closer it gets to the platoian Truth of the topic.

Gender and sexuality has been around for a long time. It has been studied for a long time and there is a diversity of opinions on the matter. I wanted to find the platoian Truth--the root of what it means to be Male or Female. My quest was prompted by what I thought was strange: if society advanced to the point that there were no differences between men and women, would anyone care about what your gender was? would they be the same? And in light of the things I've learned on this journey, I would say yes and no. Because it is still complex, yet it IS understandable.

The differences extend beyond the physical differences: hair style, clothes, tone of voice, manerisms, and yet they are connected. It extends beyond chemical makeup, and yet, it is connected to the chemical makeup.--and strangely, humans are very astute at detecting the chemical makeup even though that makeup is so subtle.

Part of the trouble of this research endeavor is the constraint of language in describing minute differences. This quest has primarily been one of discovering the right words to use and secondarily has been actually understanding the differences. One can easily point out comparisons, such as the color blue been socially seen as associated with males, and pink associated with females, but to put into words why that is, is a challenge.

I'm going to start by describing men and women by their perceptions of each other, however, both sides are contradicting.

Women see men as both lazy and hard working. They are aroused by hard working me, and yet assume that all men are lazy. These two contradictions place the male gender into two categories: those worthy of 'mating' and those not-worthy. --Mating isn't the best term for this, but it will have to suffice. Mating as I am using it can be sexual attraction, fathering children, coming to for protection, desiring his attention, desiring to please or impress him, and many other things.

Those non-worthy men obsessive over their hobbies and interests but present and share that obsession in excess to the annoyance of both men and women, while those worthy men keep their interests and hobbies secret except to fellow interest-lovers or when prompted. Curteous communcation skills make a worthy man, whereas discourteous communication makes a man fall into the not-worthy category--with one exception. Worthy men challenge the status-quo, they refuse to submit to blind obedience without purpose, and the key to this exception is what I deem Quiet Understanding.--worthy men make the appearance that they know some further information, which prompts them to disobey and be discourteous to the status quo. One can infer that worthy men incite change, they stand alone in order to force that change, they challenge the norm seemingly because they know better than the norm. --whether they actually know or not is debatable, because this Quiet understanding is afterall 'quiet'. To effectively pull this off, the man has to remain quiet up until the moment they are challenged to explain themselves. Their plans must be kept secret up to the moment when the tension has been ratcheted up and the situation has become a sort of do-or-die.
If the man brazenly barks his agenda all over town and cries the end of times or openly disobeys the powers that be to make a point, he becomes the unworthy man who is passionate about his hobbies and interests and won't shut up about them to the annoyance of both men and women everywhere.

To be a worthy man, you must have a mind of your own, an agenda and plan of action to obtain it, and you must be constantly working towards it in secret to those who might oppose it, but opening to those who encourage it and want it just as badly.

In the viking age, the worst insult a man could be given was to be accused of being like a woman. --The same is true for these days, though the definitions are construed... The worse insult for someone who professes to be of male gender is to accuse them of being unworthy. Unworthy men carry bias as being weak, unintelligent, awkward, cowardly, and lacking in life-purpose.--making jabs at a man on any of those fields will breach him to the core unless he is so far on the worthy side that his confidence isn't affected by them.

The contradiction for women is that men are both courageous and cowardly depending on their worthy or unworthy status.

Unlike women, Men see women as a collective of categories. They generalize women into one category and assume the biases of all categories.--or more simply put, they form a personal opinion on women that they use as a paradigm for all women even when it contradicts the subject (a woman) before them.

To men, women can be any combination of the following traits: the sum of beauty, curvy, long-haired, domestic, motherly, lover of animals, pacifist, friendly, intelligent, bitchy, demanding, demonic, rude, fake, selfish, self-serving, sexual, dominant, jealous, full of and interested in gossip, passionate, naive, and many more (a longer list is due, but may constrain my argument).

The varying opinions on what a woman is can be confusing for a man (and perhaps even women)! For this reason, men don't talk about women as often to their fellow male friends because the differences of definition confuse the conversation. It is rare for two men to find this shared definition, and by very virtue of what makes a man, if he is 'worthy' then he doesn't reveal such until he is confronted--and if he is unworthy, then his opinion is taken lightly because of his annoying ethos and few will join with him in discussion.
This explanation also justifies the common statment by men that "women are an enigma." Yet, women are able to understand other women because they compare their own beliefs about what is womanly, and they compare themselves against their own biases about what a woman is and feel negative emotions if they fail to meet their own personal definition--at the same time they shun women who don't meet that same definition. In a sense, women self-regulate what it means to be a woman, and as society evolves and changes, the definition will change as well.

---

I will continue part 2 at a later time. In part two, I will discuss the ramification I philosophize occurs when we cease to make distinctions between genders and allow people to choose their gender completely.



(personal note: not a spectrum, but various levels and fronts)

"The Spectacular Now (2013)" -- A Must See film for this summer.

10/10 Rating.

This is possibly the best movie I've seen all year.

It was an independent film that got picked up for limited release at Sundance in Sept 2013.

All of the characters are very real, the acting is amazing (both of the principle actors went on to bigger roles). It is incredibly easy to get sucked into this movie because the characters are so lovable and the actors do a perfect job of portraying them--I am persuaded to think that the actors lives simply MUST have been very similar to these characters because they are so perfect for the roles.

The story is hearty. Initially, I thought this would be a cheesy love story that I would watch at home alone when I was bored out of my mind, but the story is actually about something bigger--it touches on all aspects of the human condition.

The only drawback to this story is that it is a high school film written for a mature audience. If you give it the leeway to be what it is--a film about high school students senior year--and you don't judge the characters for being young, stupid, and innocent, you realize the film applies to all ages of life.

The ending is very positive. Watch this film. It's on Amazon Prime right now, but if you don't have the account I definitely recommend you rent it because this is a must see for this summer. Watch it alone or with someone, but be prepared to take it seriously and allow yourself to get attached to it.

PART 1: What is Love? Passion, Feelings, Connection,Selflessness, Friendship--All are Explored!

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" -- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet
Inversely, just because you call it a rose does not mean it is a rose. Plato seemed to be arguing this when he described Truth as what is actually there rather than what the majority of people think is truth.

PART1: What is Love?


People over-complicate Love. They call things that aren't love, "love;" and they call things that are love by different names. Love really isn't that difficult to understand, and so I've provided a lovely definition below which I would love for nay-sayers to argue with me over and tell me I'm wrong so that I have opportunity to further argue why I'm right. As well, I decided to debunk a few of Love's mysteries here--the things that people claim is love but really isn't--You know...Lust, Friendship, Good Feelings, Connection, or the desire to be Selfless.

Love is a permanent, helpful interest in another living organism. 

A) It is an Interest in that it is a concern for the other; desire to know about, hear news of, and be involved in the life of the other.

B) It is Helpful in that it is a positive desire to benefit the other person.

C) It is Permanent in that it can never go away once you have it.

If you don't have all three, then it isn't love, because the policeman might have an interest in what you are doing and be helpful to your cause, but he doesn't love you. Your enemies might have a permanent interest in you but not want to be helpful. Charity groups can be permanent and helpful (they will always help you), and yet not really take an interest in you or keep track of you, but that does not mean they love you.

1 - Love is not Passion--those intense emotions that lure you in and instill desire within you for the other person, or the fantasies you want to act out--those are Passion and not Love. The word Passion should be used instead of Love when describing this sensation.

2 - Love is not a Feeling. Excitement is a feeling, Suspense is a feeling, Confusion is a feeling, Worry is a feeling, but Love is not a feeling. "You are Excited to see her," not, "you are Loved when you see her;" when you confuse Love with emotions you sound like a little child who is incapable of describing how he or she feels because it is a new feeling for him or her.

3 - Love is not a deep Connection. When two people love each other, they might be on "separate pages." Their motivations, goals, and aspirations might be very different and the direction they are headed in life might be completely polar and yet they can still love each other. You don't often understand the people you love, in fact it is rare and difficult to really understand and empathize with those you love.

4 - Love is not Selflessness. Being charitable and giving of yourself doesn't mean you are in love--it means you are a giving person. Being selfless and sacrificing yourself for other people does not mean you love them--how many soldiers throughout history have died sacrificing themselves for a country they were disillusioned by? How many soldiers loved every person in their country--even the ones they hated? No, Love and selflessness are two different things.

5 - Love is not friendship. You can love people who you are not on speaking terms with. You can love people who do not care for you back. You may not consider yourself an equal to those who you love. What parent sees their young children as completely equal to them--and yet parents love their children.

Instead, Love produces Friendship, Love motivates Selflessness, Love establishes Connection, Love triggers all sorts of Feelings, and Lust is heightened by Love. Yet, you can be any of these things without love because they are different; that is all, and Love is no guarantee that you will have these five things.

When you love someone, you want them to succeed at life, you want them to be happy, you want them to make it, and even when you go your separate ways, you still care about their success and happiness and you still want them to make it.

Don't make Love complicated when it is such a simple thing--A permanent, helpful interest in another living organism.

PART2: Other Benefits that come from Love


The problem I see is that there are plenty of people "Searching for Love" when really they should be searching for something else (friendship, good feelings, selfless people, passion, or a connection); and there are people who are searching for something else when they should be searching for Love. THAT is why I wrote this article. 

Life coaching, old and new

I'm not sure where to classify this: is it When 1 Falls worthy, or Compliments 2 Living, or is it 3 Blind Barren? --It's not about the positive side of life and it's not necessarily about something secret, so I resorted to this blog because it MIGHT relate to human science.


I re-read some of my older life coaching articles on my datingzion blog, and I remember now why I wanted to redo my  life coaching site...The blog was geared towards mormons and finding an "eternal companion" and sometimes I would echo what mormon church leaders would say in the matter (which is surprisingly very little) and sometimes I would just feed people what they wanted to hear.
Unfortunately, I have enough moral capacity to say that it was wrong what I did. I tried to stick to things that didn't mess people up, like "you've got to have a list of things you want in an 'eternal companion'" and "don't settle until you find that"--there isn't anything wrong with that philosophy, per say, it's just not always realistic. Suffice it to say, one reason for my remake of my lifecoaching, RDC coaching, is to clarify things.

Also, because I was focusing on the LDS crowd, I think I neglected the larger world--and not only that, I realize that I wasn't the greatest at addressing the LDS crowd and as such I offended a few people. Here is how: When I would write something like "...The problem with this is that it can lead you into thinking that you NEED to build excitement in your relationship or else you won’t be happy with one another.--But you don't NEED excitement in a relationship as long as you care for one another" --I would get responses from people saying things like: "ya, but the prophet said you should have an exciting weekend together once a week and have consecrated friday nights for that purpose" and they would rail on me for suggesting such a thing contrary to their prophet. So not only did I neglect the larger world, but I offended some of my primary audience as well.

Oddly, the big market for my material ended up overseas.  People from Britain and India read and emailed me questions or comments--which I found odd, but didn't care. I'm not sure how to address that tidbit really other than that it is what it is.

Lastly, under my previous life coaching attempt I was interested in money. I had a service to provide to people, I needed/wanted more money, I was willing to trade my services for money. Plain and simple business. I care much less about money these days--now that I'm financially secure; so when approaching my new blog, I thought: "Dammit all, why not give out everything for free?" --I purposefully withheld things thinking I would only use them in personal coaching sessions, and it caused me to tiptoe around important issues.

This is what happened: 1) I told people things to gratify their own minds because they couldn't handle the truth about relationships. 2) I offended people trying to appease them and 'bowling in the same league as their religion' 3) I cared about money and...that just turned people off. 4) I purposely withheld things in an attempt to "safeguard my business" (you understand...it's business).

Now, I don't even care.

But what I do care about is improving and educating the world (--something to do with: when you get financially secure and everything lines up in your life, then the next drive you have is to do things bigger than yourself and make an impact on the world--well, I'm there now).
I think it is more important to me to teach people how to have good relationships because I think that that will improve the world faster, more efficiently, and  better than anything else I could do. There's no product I could make (I sell solar kits for similar reasons and if I could find a way to give them away for free I would) that would improve the world and inspire people the way that educating people about how to have good relationships can.

The problem I have seen, in the world, is that people really don't know how to have good relationships and there is no formal education process for teaching it. You either get it, your parents teach you by example and you learn things as you make mistakes, or...you don't and those who don't never really do learn because of the nature of human beings: if the time and complexity of a problem/task is too great for the individual, they don't see what they need to learn to prevent that problem and therefore don't change.
Humans are like dogs in this regard: dogs have a hard time learning things like potty training or not to chew up the house when you are gone, because the time and complexity of their actions are too great to make the correlation. Typically when you come home and find that they've chewed on the couch or ripped stuffing all over, they did that act 3 hrs ago and when you come home they're excited to see you and you punish them for ripping the stuffing out--their minds aren't as complex as a human mind so they only see: master came home and punished me for something--he must have had a bad day because I luvs him and want to give him kisses right now but if he doesn't want them...ok looks like I'm going into my crate I guess I'll just have some alone time and calm down and then he'll let me out and I can love him again :). 
When you have a problem with your relationships, the time and complexity is such a high level that you see the evidence: stuffing all over, master at the door, and your action at the time, and you make the wrong inference and so you never really change. --this is what I'm talking about right now on my RDC coaching site in podcasts about "Relationship Cycles"

People don't change because they aren't smart enough or that connection between what they are doing-- and what the problem is, is too complex. You can't blame them for that but they just don't naturally see it. So I've made it my mission--my part-time life coaching mission--to educate people so that they are more aware of the problems facing them, so that they are more conscientious of these issues and more capable of seeing them when they happen (I don't put much trust in this mind you, which is why I'm willing to do life coaching sessions, but I don't see that as a reason not to give people a chance to understand).

My life is pretty great, says I. I'm not perfect, but I'm smarter than the average bear (and might I add that I look better than the average bear too :D ) and I've put a lot of thought into what I think matters and came to the conclusion that relationships do--they matter most. And if you want to have a good life you'll have high quantity and high quality relationships. So focus on having those, no?

All-Natural Anti-Depressant: Part 9

Reread:
INTRODUCTION
PART 1- Create Space
PART 2- Persuade Yourself
PART 3- Emotions
PART 4 - Broaden your Perspective: Situations
PART 5 - Broaden your Perspective: Truth
PART 6 - Be Individual
PART 7 - Be Constructive
PART 8 - Balance (+)(-)

CONCLUSION

Happiness is within each an every one of us; you have the power to heal yourself from emotional maladies all it takes is a little bit of insight and the commitment to beat depression.

The key to finding lasting happiness is to stop doing things that are dragging you down and to start doing things that will build you up. The problem that most people have is that they don't realize all of the little things that are dragging them down. With depression, you MUST come to the realization that NO ONE can help you except yourself. Friends, family, and other well-wishers all have pure motives and desire to help you, but without full knowledge of your life, your goals, your ambitions, your personality, etc. they cannot make good decisions for you and cannot offer purely beneficial advice. The only person who knows you well enough to help you is you, and out of all of the people who hold a stake in your life and what you do with it, YOU are most dependent on your own success--more than any other person in the world.

Just to recap and reexplain, a few things that might be dragging you down are: people close to you such as friends and family, your desires and wants, your perceptions of life, and your values.
Humanity is both individual and collective--our survival requires us to work with other people and give up part of our independence to fit in with groups. The internal problem occurs when our groups (family, friends, society, etc) push on our boundaries and we lose too much of our independence to fend for ourselves.
Your wants and desires can drag you down as well. If you want things that you shouldn't have, getting them won't make you any happier. If you want things you can't have, the attempt to obtain them can make you unhappy as well. Lastly, if you try to obtain your wants in the wrong ways, no matter how hard you try to get them if you're doing it the wrong way it'll never happen.
I have observed that with the latter, it isn't that we do the wrong things to reach our wants, it's that we have too many conditional wants and the conditions compete with one another. For example, wanting to find a job that pays well and gives plenty of free time is a lot harder than finding a good paying job or a job that offers plenty of free time. The conditions compete with one another and can trick you into thinking that there is no hope of finding a job with free time or a job that pays well--sometimes the solution is to pick one or the other but not both.
Perceptions of life are huge deterrents to happiness. If you think life is supposed to work a certain way that it isn't, or that happiness is something that it isn't, then you're bound to have a lot of internal turmoil. For example, if you think that getting a job or promotion is about what you know, you'll incredibly frustrated to learn about times that you got passed up for a promotion because someone else knew somebody. You will think that they didn't deserve it or that you aren't getting what you deserve and it can contribute to your long-term depression.

Once you are able to look beyond the things that you are doing to drag yourself down, you can start to replace them with good things. Negative emotions aren't bad, they are your subconscious recalling a pattern of experiences in order to help you make good decisions in the future. If you try to stifle your emotions rather than let yourself experience them you risk making them return for the wrong reasons. Instead of feeling sad when something sad happens, you'll start to feel sad when things are sad AND whenever you feel the need to suppress your emotions, because that is how you are training yourself--whenever you need to be scared, you'll feel sad, whenever you need to be angry you'll feel sadness. Instead of suppressing your emotions, try acknowledging them, contemplate what sort of message your subconscious is trying to tell you, and then make intuitive decisions based on those feelings. Much of our emotions are simple messages from our subconscious saying: "don't do it this way again, look for a different solution to this problem."
Aside from emotions, a lot of people suffer from boredom and confusion. We've made life too easy for ourselves in some regards by inventing means of being more efficient, and in other regards we've made life more complex. It's easy to become confused, even flustered, by having to make so many decisions in a day. A good habit to form is to default your decisions to what is most constructive (as opposed to destructive). If you feel bored, think of something to improve your life or others' lives. If you feel confused, do something to improve your life or others' lives. Being focused on decision making is synonymous with being stagnant--so is being bored! A few common, constructive activities are: exercising, learning, writing, home improvement, gardening, and cleaning.

Balance balance balance. Balance being an individual vs being a part of social groups. Balance time spend on negative emotions just as much as you do positive ones. Balance being constructive and pushing yourself vs relaxing and taking time to recover. Life is a balancing act. You don't have to be happy all the time, and a brief period of depression never hurt anyone but instead helps you to enjoy the good times more.

You have it within you to heal yourself.
My grandmother could do it. I did it. You can do it too.
Happiness is within your grasp, you just have to reach out and snatch it.

13 Beliefs

[[I updated this and re-posted to add 3 more and adjust some phrases]]

Although some people might disagree when I say this, I am very open to reason and not stubborn.--The thing is, I believe what I believe very firmly until I am presented with an overpowering argument. I feel like being stubborn is to refuse to listen to other peoples' arguments. Being stubborn is to not give people the benefit of the doubt. Being stubborn is when you fully know that you are wrong and yet you stick with it.--I'm not stubborn. Just like many rhetoricians instruct, I try to be open to the truth and argument and consensus.

I have been working on this weighty project for several months. It is a list of core things that I believe in. I have taken into account as many viewpoints as possible, I have asked questions, had discussions, and spent hours thinking about these things and I feel as though this list is a list of things that I stand firm in. I am open to changing my mind provided an overpowering argument is presented to me, but as I already stated, I've been working on this for several months--you might even say years--and these are the things that I have rooted myself in:

I believe in:

1.       Universal Truth and Universal Constants

a.       Yes, there is ALWAYS one thing that is true and a lot of partial or non-truths.

b.      But the truth is trumped by how it affects people.

2.       Life is a compilation of memorable experiences

a.       All we know is what we have experienced.

b.      Life is the combination of our spirit-body and our physical-body.

                                                               i.      We existed in our spirit-body before we had a physical body.

                                                             ii.      Our physical body can be destroyed.

                                                            iii.      Our spirit body is indestructible and constitutes our whole persona.

                                                           iv.      Before we were born we were learning universal skillsets, which are manifested as natural talent here in this life.

3.       Everything must eventually end

a.       There are only two things that will always exist: our spirits and universal truth.

b.      Spiritual beings and universal truth is all that really matters because it is constant.

                                                               i.      (1-b) Spiritual beings trump universal truth, because spiritual beings are active and universal truth is passive and cannot change.

c.       Everything must end because spiritual beings exist

                                                               i.      Unlike universal truth, spiritual beings change things and make an impact.

                                                             ii.      Spiritual beings aren’t always constant, they may make one decision one day and another decision another day.

d.      More correctly, everything goes through a cycle of phases: beginning and ending and then beginning again

                                                               i.      Once created, the basis of our universe—the elements—can never be destroyed but are merely recyclable.

                                                             ii.      Endings are the pre-cursor to beginnings.

                                                            iii.      Things don’t begin and end—these are just states—things change.

e.      Even though things are beginning and ending all of the time, they are not returning to their original state; each time they change they become different.

f.        Even when they change from one state to another and back again they come back as a different version of the same thing.

4.       We--sentient spirits--are the most powerful things in the universe

a.       Because we are spiritual, we have the potential to affect everything in the universe.

b.      We are also the dominant spiritual being, more dominant than animals because of our intelligence and power.

5.       What we experience through life is based on how we react to new events in our life

a.       True, the events in our life shape us, but ultimately we control how we react to them.

                                                               i.      We may not be able to control all of the events in our life and therefore sometimes we are forced to make decisions and changes

                                                             ii.      But we can always control how we feel about such things: positive or negative

b.      One of the greatest skills we can develop is the ability to accept whatever life gives us

6.       When life is not forcing us to change and shape, we have unlimited possibilities

a.       We are such powerful beings that we can accomplish anything that we set our minds to

                                                               i.      Our minds, the connection between spirit and body, are so powerful that we can overcome our physical limitations

                                                             ii.      Our minds can reframe our realities into enjoying the bad moments and we can find happiness from anything (but only if we learn to use our minds)

b.      Even if life forces us to change, we can change back so long as we want to

                                                               i.      Sometimes forced change is caused by universal constants and other times it is caused by other people

1.       Universal constants are always going to force us to change, and attempting to live contrary to them will always be difficult but possible.

2.       Change caused by other people will not always come by force and we can oftentimes find a balance between the wants of others and the wants of ourselves.

7.       No two people are the same

a.       Our experiences shape us, and different combinations of experiences have different effects on different people

b.      It is impossible for two people to experience the same things

                                                               i.      Past experiences emphasize or de-emphasize our present experiences

1.       Certain combinations of experiences in the correct order shape people in similar ways, but having the correct combinations is very difficult.

2.       Sex is one of the closest experiences two people can share, because one causes the experiences of the other and vice versa.

                                                             ii.      Location and distance prevents people from experiencing the same results in the same way.

                                                            iii.      The time when people experience similar things can have an effect on how the individual experiences those things.

                                                           iv.      Pre-disposition, perceptions, beliefs, and desires effect how people experience the same things.

8.       There are four distinct obstacles facing all mankind

a.       Death

                                                               i.      We all die, but we don’t all cope with it in the same way because we are different

                                                             ii.      To overcome death we either need to make something out of the lives we are living, develop a way to live forever in happiness, or find a way to live life comfortable with everything that happens.

1.       Making something out of our lives is called building a heritage, and pharaohs, kings, and even great minds do this by creating that their name gets attached to whether it is a tomb, a kingdom, or an invention or way of thinking.

b.      Curiosity

                                                               i.      We are always striving to learn and experience new things and make sense of things that don’t make sense. However, there is no limit to the thing we can learn and experience

                                                             ii.      To overcome curiosity, we either need to accept that there is no limit and to learn to be comfortable with what we do know and experience, or to forever pacify our curiosity by exploring everything.

c.       Purpose

                                                               i.      No one wants to do things aimlessly. We desire that everything we do contributes to a greater aspect of life.

                                                             ii.      To overcome our desire for purpose, we need to have goals, dreams and desires and know ourselves—our wants and desires—then we need to apply all of our actions towards those things.

d.      Desires for connection with others

                                                               i.      There is a universal constant related to the change that is ever present from life (3-c), that as people change they move apart from one another unless they are growing together.

                                                             ii.      If both people are not growing together, then they are getting further apart.

                                                            iii.      To overcome our desires to connect with others, we need to find people who are willing to grow towards us, and we need to grow towards them.

9.       Relationships are what matter most in this life

a.       Because people are always changing and everything else is constant, people are the catalyst of everything in life

                                                               i.      Although universal truth is important, it will always remain the same and never change—once you know the truth you are no longer curious about it.

                                                             ii.      Because people change, you can always point your curiosity towards them.

b.      People contain infinite energy, infinite power, and infinite ability

                                                               i.      It is easier to access the power inside of us when we are joined with other people

1.       When people are paired, the reaction that one person has on the other can spark a greater impact than for an individual to make decisions and changes on their own.

2.       In good relationships one will improve the quality of life and experience of the other through motivating and beneficially influencing the other person.

3.       However, in bad relationships, the pairing will have a negative effect; it can limit one’s potential, energy, ability and power.

10.   Society and Community are important aspects of individual life

a.       Society and community is an interconnectedness of individuals to one another

b.      Societies require a slight contract in order to remain in balance

                                                               i.      We are obligated to follow commonly consented social contracts simply because we are a part of society

                                                             ii.      Unless we discover a way to truly live in isolation, we will always have to submit to some form of society’s contracts.

c.       Societies help individuals accomplish things they might not otherwise accomplish

1.       [such as peace, civility, freedom, etc.]

11.   We have a responsibility to act ethically

a.       There is a disturbance in the universe that prevents

b.      Each act we make creates a consequence, which causes that disturbance, therefore we need to align our acts with universal truth as much as possible in order to balance the natural movement of the universe.

12.   An Ethical act is one that brings about a good outcome

a.       Regardless of intent or what it says about you, the universally ethical act is the one that creates a good outcome.

b.      We can only judge other people, and ourselves, by the outcomes that we bring about.

c.       We should make every attempt to create good outcomes.

d.      It is our responsibility to correct all of the bad outcomes we create, regardless of intent.

13.   Conflict occurs when the universe is unbalanced

a.       Conflict is a disagreement through which two forces involved perceive a threat to their needs, interests or concerns.

b.      Sentient beings can have conflicts with Universal constants.

c.       In order to overcome the human condition, we have to resolve our conflicts with Universal constants and other sentient beings.

I'm still working on this list and will continue to develop my ideas as I become more and  more firm about beliefs I will add to it, though I have tried to start with what I thought was most important. 

All-Natural Anti-Depressant: Intro

INTRODUCTION

I am writing this series of articles because I want the world to know that you don't have to get on pills, you don't have to have a therapist, and you don't have to be miserable in order to deal with your depression.  I am living proof that humans have the ability to heal themselves. I have changed my life 180 degrees from being suicidal at age 13, and again at age 20, and finally reaching where I am now: perfectly happy with life and informed of the tools necessary to keep myself in this state.
I have had a couple people tell me that unless you've had severe depression, suicidal depression, you really don't understand depression. Those people have dismissed my claims that I have made a transformation, accusing me of not having as severe a depression as they do. If at the time I had been in that depressed state, it probably would have brought me down again into thinking that my own problems aren't as bad as other peoples' and that I was pathetic for thinking otherwise. --that's not the case. This formula I use is very real, even if it seems skeptical, and it has healed me from years (10+) of emotional baggage.
My claim is simple enough: that you can heal yourself without medication or therapy--just you dealing with yourself living a normal life. You don't need drugs, you don't need religion, and you don't need to see a therapist to heal yourself, the capability is within you and once you tap into it you will feel a sense of power that will one day beat out the skepticism you feel. Coming to the realization that I am about to share with you over the course of these articles will potentially be the most invigorating thing you have ever experienced in your life.

RESOURCES
By and large, I am going to explain my all-natural remedy for depression through my own experiences, however, I couldn't have made it here on my own. I read a lot of material--literature and self-help books--in order to get here. Unfortunately, not everything you read in the field of self-help is proven or even helpful, so I had to weed through the garbage/heresay by testing it out and finding what works for me.
Since I am speaking from my own perspective and experiences, I can't guarantee that these things will work for everyone or every circumstance. The way I respond to depression, I know, was different from the way that other people respond to it, but I have tried to narrow down my basic points to those that I believe apply to everyone. Take what I say as you will, try out the things you aren't sure about and don't do anything you don't think will work because you are the only person who knows you and at the end of the day you are the only person responsible for your happiness and well-being.

WHY THE TITLE?
I chose this title because I have been on a natural-food, healthy living jive lately and I think it's becoming cool to use holistic remedies. The premise behind all-natural remedies is that anyone can make them and that they take an "outside of the box" approach to personal health. This is my "outside of the box" remedy--you can make it yourself, it doesn't require you to purchase or pay for anything, and it's the methods and tools that professionals don't want you to know about because they'd be out of a job!
Interestingly, I heard a quote recently from Vandana Shiva, premier quantum physicist, that explained how many scientists and doctors look at a world perspective from the scope of a petri dish and they apply what they learn to the larger world, without the understanding of causal relationships between the smallest of components and the world around them. I think this applies to society's present approach to dealing with depression: they look at the individual and say that he or she has a problem and that it can be cured with therapy or medicinal drugs. What they don't realize is that life is more than a singular perspective looking at the individual, but is instead three perspectives looking a the individual, the influences of the world around them and the impact and influence they have in turn on the world around them and how that impact circles around to affect them again.--more on this later!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "DEPRESSION"?
This might seem like a silly question to bring up in the introduction, but throughout the years I've dealt with this I realize that not everyone thinks the same things are "depression" some people say depression is merely sad feelings they can't shake, others say it's an overall feeling that is comparable to the feeling of lack of energy. Others say it's a feeling of being crazy and isolated/distant from others. Even others will tell you it's a state of mind rather than a feeling, and that it circles around logically to where they can't escape. I will be using the term "depression" very loosely. Depression is all of these things and more. To me personally, depression was lonliness, it was sadness, it was fear of my future and hopelessness; it was guilt and sorrow, it was a deranged, crazed state, it was occasionally anger at myself or others. For me, depression is both a feeling and a thought and is associated with a circumstance, and once I realized that it became easier to remedy.

WHAT TIMEFRAME ARE WE LOOKING AT?
My personal journey to recovery took me 9 years--I had to learn everything from scratch because no one told me where to look for answers and I internalized everything and didn't want to tell anyone I had a problem. I would get feeling better because some of the things worked, but without the finishing touches I would consistently slip back into depression. I lacked those finishing touches because I hadn't learned them yet. Hopefully this process will go much quicker for readers because I'm giving you access to a whole lot more information, all in one place, than I ever had.
With that in mind, my all-natural anti-depressant can only work as fast as you can. It requires a learning process unlike what they teach in school--there isn't necessarily memorization and regurgitation, you have to actually understand it in order for it to work, and no two people learn at the same rate. Along with learning comes application--none of this stuff is easy; you have to make sacrifices, you have to make hard decisions, you have to make changes to your life and way of thinking and way of approaching problems. If you're serious, I have no doubt that you'll pick all of this up easily, and the best part is that you HAVE to pick this stuff up, you have to adapt and change out of necessity instead of mere want and desire.

Next: PART 1

If you have any questions, comments, or experiences you'd like to share about this, you can direct your emails to consutdz@live.com or leave a comment on this page. I'd be happy to help you if you want some free assistance, but just remember: free advice may be just that...worth nothing.

Modern Marrage: Part 4

I've put off the conclusion of this series and finally have a little free time to say what I want to say.

I've touched on how marriage today is different than any other century and that the differences are actually what make modern marriage better.

I've touched on what the modern marriage is composed of--traits, benefits of, and what the purpose of it is.

Then I talked about how marriage is an agreement that you will approach changes together.

Success (or, how to have a successful marriage)

The Self-help and improvement genre of literature is full of books and authors who will tell you there is only one way to have a successful marriage. Religion, too, will tell you that only one form of marriage is acceptable. But how can this ever be an accurate statement? There are 7 billion people on Earth--each different--which means there are 21 billion combinations of potential relationships--all different.

My point is that no two relationships are the same, and no two marriages should be the same either. People try to cover all the bases by saying get married and make a vow that you'll take care of the other person physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. And you'll be monogamous, and what's mine is yours, and you'll both worship the same religion so that one of you doesn't end up in hell without the other person, etc etc. But the truth is, there ARE highly functional relationships in which both spouses agree to not be monogamous, don't share their possessions, don't worship the same way, and these couples are very happy and successful in life.
The question then, is how? How can two very different people fit together and make it work?
To answer this question you have to take a few steps back. You need to look at how they define success. You have to look at what their goals are--not the surface goals, but the root goals that these people have as individuals.

Happiness
Happiness in life isn't defined by what you possess. Having a specific kind of marriage isn't what makes a person happy, just like having a specific kind of car won't make you happy either.--there is something at the root of it. Owning a nice car might grant you access to a specific level of prestige, it might inflate your ego, it might release a few endorphins in your brain that make you think you're happy, but it isn't the car that made you happy--it was the chemicals in your brain, or the prestige, or whatever else. The car is just a vehicle you use to obtain your root motivation. Marriage of a specific kind is just a vehicle as well. People use marriage the same way that they do cars!
Unfortunately, happiness that is founded on possessions isn't very long lasting. Possessions degrade and fade away, nice cars break down and are expensive to fix, marriages collapse and it takes a good chunk of money, time, and emotional energy to fix or even get out of them. Nice cars and fancy marriages aren't for everyone and won't make everyone happy.

Successful, Modern Marriages are...
...Unique. They mold to the people, not the people to the marriage. Marriages are a tool that people use to reach their root objectives and ought to prioritize functionality over fancy.

Now what?
For those of you who are already married, I'm not saying stir the pot and make changes right away--if at all. I'm suggesting that if you aren't happy with your marriage, something needs to be done. Something needs to change, you and your spouse need to adapt to the modern times, need to adapt to each other, need to find a solution that works that is customized to your relationship not to the world. Marriage isn't a statement to the world and even though society thinks it has to have its hand in it--enforce it, sanction it, legally protect it--marriage really doesn't need an advocate. Marriage needs YOU and YOUR SPOUSE and that's it. Let the world do what it wants with marriage.
A confident person will approach life without regard for the influences around them because they trust themselves enough that they aren't going to be swayed negatively and trust that they have the opportunity to pick and choose what positive traits they want to incorporate. A confident marriage works the same way: it isn't swayed by the outside world, but is swayed and shaped by the individuals and their root objectives.

For those of you who aren't married. Change. If you aren't married but want to be (and I'm guessing you are if you are reading this) then you need to come to this one conclusion: that the way you've been thinking about marriage is utterly wrong. --it's not your fault, you've been programmed to think that way by [insert anything here: Disney, religion, family, society, etc]. --Now that you know that you've been thinking incorrectly, change. Embrace reality. Embrace knowledge. Gain a little confidence in your abilities to form relationships and to traverse life and obtain what you want from life. Take the risk with the next person you meet, or the next good relationship you have (or currently have), that you'll find a way to make it work for what you really want. And leave the possibility open that you'll never be married but will find what you want without using the tool called marriage.
Most single individuals cringe and shy away when hard times happen while forming relationships. They think "It would never work out for us" or "I can't deal with this for my whole life" and then they miss the opportunity to uncover what their root desires are. They spend their lives focused on the surface: "he/she doesn't fit my lifestyle therefore it would never work. He/she doesn't look like I want, doesn't do what I want, doesn't act how I want, doesn't--me me me me me me me." --they turn relationships and marriage into a "me" thing, which it has and always will be a "we" thing.
Like I said in part 3: The only reason a marriage fails is because one or both people see their way as the only way, and they give up trying. If one person gives up, the other is forced to let go as well and then it's just a matter of how far they fall. When you give up in this manner, you're sending the message, "I want this relationship to work MY way and if I don't get what I want then I won't cooperate and I'll leave."

Marriage is a great thing, but just remember that it isn't the marriage that counts, it's the relationship underneath.

Modern Marriage: Part 3

PART 1 PART 2

------Part 3: Change in Marriage -----------

What is it about the word Marriage that conjures strong emotions for everyone? Some people look at it with anxiety, as though it is a burden in their life. Others look at it with hatred, thinking that it somehow ruined their life. Some look at marriage with fear, because the thought of taking responsibility for another person threatens their very way of life. Then there are those who see marriage as a happy thing. No matter who you are, hearing the word Marriage puts you in an emotional place.
The truth of the matter is that marriages don't work for one reason and one reason only: One or both people change and one or both people decide not to work it out. No one who seriously begins a marriage expects their marriage to fail at some point, yet many marriages so fall apart. Those who have been through divorces will give you an unlimited number of reasons for why their marriage didn't work, but in the end, their reasons fizzle down to one argument: they decided they were done--either because the other person was done first, or because they choose to be done before their spouse.
 We live in an age where free will and agency ought to be respected. We have it in ourselves to make any kind of decisions we want to so long as we are comfortable with the outcomes and possible outcomes. Some people might argue and say, "he started it" or "she started it when he/she did X" and will tell you that it left them no other option than to leave. But even that is a very narrow perspective of what really happened and it is an attempt on one or both people to avoid the consequences of their action. On the other side of the spectrum, we hear comments like, "our marriage ended because we both have problems." But this response refuses to confront the real issue: that the speaker's ignorance (or selfishness) saw the other person's problems as too burdensome to accommodate or their own problems too personal to ask for help from their partner.

Change
Marriages--or relationships for that matter--don't end until you choose to let them. Instead, they morph and change. Human beings have the greatest potential for adaptation out of any other living organism, and their relationships are evidence of it. If we are to understand the workings of a modern marriage we have to study change because marriage implies sticking with the other person whether we change or they change (isn't that the premise of the marital vows?).
The decision to divorce is really simple: Do you want to compensate for the changes you make within yourself and/or the other person, or do you want to try to manage internal/external changes on your own?

Change happens both internally and externally to one's self. Internal change is any change that occurs because we make or fail to make a decision. External change happens when other people, the environment, society, or anything else makes a decision that triggers a chain of events that affect the marriage. One example of internal change would be overcoming a long-crippling fear [such as of heights] that ultimately brings you more confidence in yourself and your own decisions to the point that you no longer need to rely on your partner for assistance in making decisions. Your partner would then experience external change, because s/he has no control over this decision you are making to handle your own affairs on your own. He or she is effected when s/he suddenly senses less involvement and inclusion in your life and feels less appreciated because you no longer involve them in your life. The logical pattern is as follows: 1. you overcome your fears and become more confident. 2. your partner's role in your life diminishes because you don't need his/her input or support as much. 3. S/he is forced to change as well to compensate for their diminished roles.
[This is why having a baby (I.e. gaining new responsibilities) can cause conflict in a relationship. Or why when one partner returns to school and then the work field can cause strain on a marriage because of the changes in the relationship dynamics.]

Collaborative Change
Does Modern Marriage require one individual to yield to the other when he or she changes? This logical question flows naturally when you pair change with marriage: if marriage means staying together regardless of how the other person changes, then in every instance of conflict triggered by change either one side will accept the change in the other person and/or ignore it and go along with it, or the marriage will fall apart.--I am thinking of the example of when one spouse gets a promotion at work that would require them to move and the other has to give up their career in order to go with them.
The problem with this question is that it is strictly black and white and not easily answered.

People tend to focus on the upper layer of their lives rather than the foundation. The spouse above might be thinking they are taking a loss by giving up their career for their spouse, but that is only on the surface.
Underneath, there is more to this story: The conflict isn't really about person A gaining a better job and person B losing theirs, the things that are at stake are Person A sees an opportunity to make more money and improve the quality of life for A and B, they also see an opportunity to gain greater purpose in life for themselves because the new position puts them in an important role in the company; the list goes on... Person B really isn't facing a loss of a job, they are facing the fear that they will have to change, they are facing the fear that they won't find another job equal or better in the new place. They are facing feelings of insignificance because their present job provides them with a sense of purpose and if they lose their job they lose something to invest themselves in; person B's list also goes on...
When we crack open the outer layer we discover that the inner layers are much more easily managed. If person B can confront their fear of not finding an equal/better job in the new location, can find new things to make them feel significant (which might be other pursuits, like humanitarian efforts, new projects, etc), and whatever else they are facing, then the opportunity for a promotion suddenly isn't so bad. The change isn't so daunting when we realize that there are more decisions on the table than we initially thought in our black and white world. Alternatively, person A can remain in their position, find other things to feel more purposeful, and other methods to improve their quality of life without additional money, such as taking up a new hobby or expanding their network. The options are endless.

In a marriage, yes, both partners agree to stay together--till death or till forever, it doesn't matter.--but what they are really agreeing to is that when change happens they will collaborate together on how to manage that change. Collaboration implies that both parties find a solution that works for both of them. Sometimes this is a long, frustrating, even maddening process, but in the end both spouses walk away from the situation satisfied. And really, the frustrating part of collaboration isn't the other person, it's within ourselves--it's when we get so set on the black and white that we refuse to exercise our creativity enough to realize that there are other things at stake under the surface. This is bad. This is the one and only cause of divorce: when one person in the marriage decides that their perspective is all white and their spouse's perspective is all black.

 Marriage is the agreement to make decisions together. Along with everything from part 1 and part 2, if the marriage is to last, it will require collaboration when making decisions and openness about changes that are occurring. Most divorces are unnecessary when you realize that they are caused by conflicts on the surface that never touch the root of the problem.

If you haven't read them already, read: PART 1 PART 2

Part 4 Coming soon!