Modern Marriage: Part 2

Go ahead, Read Part 1 First.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ PART 2: THE MODERN MARRIAGE \\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Modern Marriage is the most cutting edge form of marriage. It is the latest and greatest, the best, and it has the least flaws in it because some of the bugs have been worked out through the years of evolution. In a word, think: exceptional. 

People have a lot of expectations of what they will get when they get married--thousands even. I've simplified those reasons into 7 things that modern marriage offers. 

1. Synergy - One person plus another person doesn't equal two people, it equals more than that. Somehow, two people working together make them more efficient and more work is accomplished. Raising a kid alone is daunting, but rasing a kid with two is...less daunting. 

2. Mental and Emotional Stability - Whose shoulder do you cry on, or would you like to cry on more, your spouse or anybody else? If your relationship is good, then your spouse. Your spouse potentially knows you better and can relate to you better and understand you better, and you trust your spouse more have more time and opportunities with your spouse. You talk to your spouse more than anyone else and learn and explore new ideas with them as well.

3. Physical and Financial Stability - Two people working or one working the other taking care of the house either way, money is earned, the house, kids, and food is clean. Sex is safe because if you get pregnant they are legally obligated to support the child (and don't have to get a court order or take any tests). Sex is also safer in that STIs are controlled, if one partner already has an STI it can be managed, if neither have STIs then there is very little chance that they will get one if they only have sex with one another. 

4. Progression - Learning, growing, and even having children (if you look at it in a certain light) fall under progression and certain progress can only be made in a relationship. Your best traits are brought out when your partner has created a need for them; your worst traits are brought to your attention as well and the desire(need) to correct them is there if you want to keep the relationship.

5. Decision Making Support - Now that your decisions no longer affect you and only you, you can get input from your spouse and even defer certain decisions to them. Having someone else who is a legally invested stakeholder in your life gives you an anchor on which to make plans and decide on a course of action.

6. Release of Stress - Doing exciting things together can relieve stress and help you forget about your troubles. Having someone to listen to you who understands you can also relieve stress.

7. Attaining Purpose - When you are alone it is easy to get caught up into thinking you are merely treading water in life and that your actions don't necessarily affect the people around you. When you have a spouse everything you do for or to yourself affects your spouse. Being married gives you a reason to keep on living, and making your marriage work and worthwhile is what you strive for every day. That is your purpose. 

A successful, Modern Marriage provides:

1. Peace - Makes you feel at peace in a turbulent world. (Try being alone and you'll understand)

2. Happiness - Being married brings you greater happiness

3. Love - Your spouse makes you feel loved, and gives you someone to love back unconditionally.

It consists of:

1. Friendship

2. Trust

3. Intimacy

4. Respect

In order for a Modern Marriage to be successful it has to have:

1. Capitalization (of good moments) - When one spouse has success or a good moment, the other capitalizes on that to make it even greater. One form of this is Emotional Support. Capitalization can also include being happy simply because the other person is successful--a happiness as though you yourself were successful.

2. Excitement - Doing exciting things together, discovering new things, exploring the world and life.

3. Acknowledgment - Each spouse expressing that they know and care that the other exists. 

4. Acceptance - Regardless of personal opinion or what happens, neither spouse casts judgments on the other, but instead attempts to understand their motives. You do not have to agree with everything they say, nor do the things they would do in any given situation, but you do have to accept their opinions and decisions as their own opinions and decisions and respect the differences between the two of you.

5. Appreciation - Each spouse gives and recieves appreciation on a regular basis.

6. Needs Fulfillment - Physical, Mental, Emotional, and even Spiritual needs need to be met before the relationship will succeed. This is basic hierarchy of needs concepts--if you're not having sex and you want it, it WILL cause a strain on your marriage, or if your spouse is bawling because her coworkers were mean to her at work, it WILL affect your marriage. Resolving the needs that are your responsibility and allowing the other person to resolve needs they are responsible for is crucial to a good marriage. 

 The Successful Modern Marriage does the following:

1. Preserves Tradition - What holidays do you celebrate? What manerisms do you carry over from previous generations?

2. Preserves Wealth - When either or both spouses die, who will get the money and how will it be divided? 

3. Provides Physical Protection - Survival (food, shelter, etc), Sexual Protection (as mentioned above), Actual physical protection (if someone or something were to harm you), and protection to any offspring.

4. Provides Emotional Protection - A safe place from embarassment, a safe place to hide, or cry, or get excited.

5. Provides Social Protection - Two are more powerful against a mob than one. While together society doesn't judge as harshly a married couple as they do unmarried couples.

6. Preserves Social Status - A widow retains the respect his or her spouse earned whereas the secret lover does not.

7. Preserves Knowledge - "Trade secrets" or even personal secrets that we as humans feel we need to share with someone yet we can't share with just anyone--definitely not anyone outside your immediate family.

Above all a Modern Marriage is agreed upon. A modern marriage doesn't have to have a formal ceremony (though if you want it to be legal you do have to sign a piece of paper and vocalize it before an authority figure), but does have to be agreed upon by both parties. Whatever you want your marriage to do, you both have to genuinely want to accomplish the same objectives with your marriage. These days it doesn't matter if you are getting married solely for money and financial stability. It doesn't matter if you're getting married so that you can progress or share secrets or any number of things. It doesn't have to last until you die, you can agree to be married until you decide not to be together, but you both have to agree to the same terms. Marriage today is less formal than a hundred years ago but more formal than a few hundred years ago (back when a handshake constituted a marriage agreement). It is more useful than marriage previously because it can be customized to any combination of people. And it isn't any more or less stable than any other form of marriage. It is whatever two people make it.    

I have made this article easy for you, next time you or someone else asks the following questions, just refer to their respective section above:

What does a modern marriage offer?

What does a modern marriage need to have to succeed?

What does a modern marriage provide?

What does a modern marriage consist of?

What does a modern marriage do?

What is a modern marriage?

Click here for Part 3

Modern Marriage: Part 1

In each age, mankind has shaped the institution of marriage to fit the purposes of the times; and it is time for us to recognize the purpose of modern marriage. Marriage has seen an evolution throughout the ages. Each reincarnation of marriage has proven to be better than the last. Unfortunately, since we are in the early stages of this development, not all marriages fit the correct pattern for this time-period and we may never see 100% of marriages fit the pattern, but there is a very apparent formula for the modern marriage and the success of any couple, in this age, forming this institution depends on it.

\\\\\\\\\\\\PART ONE: EVOLUTION OF MARRIAGE\\\\\\\\\

When men were still living in caves, marriage was an assertion of power. It protected and promoted the development of offspring. Being joined together, living together as man and woman, meant that the best genetics were being used to create offspring. It also meant that offspring were protected at all times by one parent while the other was searching for food and shelter and it became a manifestation of power among the cave people. If another cave man or woman were capable of having intercourse with another cave person's mate, he would be seen as more powerful. 

Eventually, the custom of marriage became a form of entitlement. Great family lines were established by formal marriage. If you were born in that household or married into it, you would be entitled to the respect designated to that household. Records were kept of marriages in order to prove who was part of that house and who was not. Family sticks together, and if you upset one member of the household he can easily enlist the help of his brothers and sisters, parents and cousins to get revenge. 

Households quickly became a means for preserving not only social status but wealth as well and then tradition. If your household became wealthy, when you died your offspring received whatever you could not take with you from this life. If you were constructive enough, you could even pass traditions down for generations. Religions were established by households as a macro-political effort to boost a household's power (sorry, not the other around). Biblicly, the Levites were given charge over all religious rules and social laws. In egypt, the priests were given political powers along with social powers, and typically priests were born not raised from outside. Social classes were established to govern the rules behind who could marry who and why.

Jump forward several hundred years to Tudor England and you see that the marriage went through another reincarnation: it was too confining. If the king couldn't have a child with his wife he couldn't have an heir to the thrown, so he attempted to get a divorce. Marriage for a king can be explained as simply as a contract between a man in power who agrees to offer his wife and her offspring with all of her desires so long as she provides the king with an heir. Many kings and queens throughout ages even had affairs to meet their sexual desires and it was not always frowned upon. 

With divorce and greater freedom among common peoples brought the notion (finally) to marry for love. Bards, including Shakespeare himself, presented the idea that one can and should marry for love--marry someone who they want to be married to rather than someone they have to marry in order to survive. Previously in Europe, if they weren't wealthy, they were forced into quasi-arranged marriages, a young poor girl to a "respectable" man with property. Studying Shakespeare's works you can see that these arranged marriages had their problems and society's response was that the man was either cuckled or tamed his wife violently. (Dear female feminists, please realize that this was the reason my sex has mistreated you for hundreds of years.)

In Puritan America, marriage became, yet again, a rigid institution without divorce and furthered the above gender roles (taming and cuckling). But America brought further freedom to marry or not marry whomever one chose. It opened the doors for the mixing of social classes--for there were new social classes and anyone could marry anyone so long as they  brought their spouse into their social class with them (whether up or down). Though geographically centered in America, the ideas they brought forth spread across the globe.

It quickly became the norm for married couples to help one another remain faithful and to assist in progression. Though the gender roles created differences, men helped their wives in educating (or not educating them if he thought it was more important) and women assisted in the care taking of their husbands. 

Eventually, in Utah, (though this isn't new, guys, come one) plural marriage was established under the explanation that it allowed for the care taking of elderly, widowed women who society was neglecting. I point this out so that you can see that marriage has always changed based on necessity. It isn't rigid, it's very fluid. Depending on the circumstances of the time the institution of marriage may change slightly to meet a need of an individual (such as a king or minority) or a society as a whole. As another example, elsewhere in the world, and for a very long time, there was a bartering aspect to marriage--women were the domestic workers, whether wife or daughter, and losing one meant a loss to the man of the house. To compensate, the groom was required to pay a dowry to make up for the difference. Most people don't do this today because there is no need. Daughters aren't expected to be domestic workers, and daughters have the freedom to walk out of the house at any time if they choose.

So that leads us up to the pre-modern time period...

Since the '50s and '60s America saw a major increase in the divorce rate. Among the military especially it became so high that it became a burden and the government instituted a law that denied a couple from divorcing while one spouse was on active duty. The significance of this increasing divorce rate is that men and women are comfortable breaking up a marriage at any time and for any reason, previously they were required to show proof of infidelity. 

Entering and leaving marriage due to unhappiness or dislike has both, planted the fear of getting married, and the disgust of ever getting married, into the minds of later generations. It is becoming more common for people to say they never intend to marry, and it is also common for people to approach marriage with skepticism and mistrust and to request a prenuptial agreement. Prenuptial agreements were non-existent or incredibly rare even a hundred years ago, let alone a thousand. 

The most recent conflict to put our thoughts on marriage into perspective is the push to allow gay marriage--marriage between two people of the same sex. We finally have something to make us stop and think about our beloved institution rather than blindly bumble through it and suffer because of it. I find it interesting that it is not the divorce rate that provokes us to think, but the possibility of other people being married--one of these affects us directly, the other only affects us indirectly based on our thoughts and perceptions of it.

As a society we are not quite into the mature stage of the modern marriage. Not everyone has embraced modern methods, in fact not even a majority of people have. Most people are still stuck in old ways of thinking. Some still think like the cavemen--that who you marry makes you look more powerful. Others follow the Tudorian approach and believe marriage is for getting offspring. With so many different types of marriages, it is no wonder that few people come to the correct conclusions about what marriage is all about in the modern world. So what is the modern marriage?

Read Part two to find out!

Relational Theory

Wikipedia states that Relational Theory is a framework to understand reality or a physical system in such a way that the positions and other properties of objects are only meaningful relative to other objects.

In other words, for us to understand certain things we have to apply them to some sort of framework so that they have meaning between them.--that kind of puts a spin on what a "relationship" is, right? Isn't a relationship a framework that we create in order to understand ourselves in relation to another person? We look at the relationship we have with other people and determine whether we have crossed boundaries, whether we are filling our role, whether the other person is significant to us, can help us or harm us, etc. Yes, you can look at a relationship as a framework used to understand reality that will create meaning and purpose in your life.

I have narrowed down some of the components of a GREAT relationship and I continue to study this aspect of humanity every day in an attempt to learn more, but my findings thus far have been:

1. Every great relationship must have mutual acknowledgement.
2. Every great relationship must have mutual acceptance.
3. Every great relationship must have mutual appreciation.

1. Both parties in the relationship must know each other--they must treat each other the way they want to be treated and recognize that they are human beings with equal flaws and strengths. They must realize that it is the differences and diversity that make us excel together, not the similarities. They must let the other person know that they recognize their existence.

2. Acceptance is key for a relationship to grow. The best relationships are completely accepting of the other person. Every decision they make, regardless of how horrible, the other person will not judge them or criticize them or treat them negatively because of their decisions, the emotions they feel, opinions they have, or things they have no control over.

3. As if the first two aren't enough, appreciation is also necessary. Both parties need to know that they are contributing to the relationship, that their efforts aren't wasted, that they aren't living in an emotional fantasy land. Both parties need to sense from the other person that they want them around and are glad that they are around.

In order to understand a relationship you need to look at the components that make up the whole. If there are problems with these three basic components then it is easy to explain why the relationship is less than ideal or not how either party wants it to be. These three things are the basic foundation for change in a relationship. Provide them successfully and you will see very few problems. Fail to provide them and you will see many problems, from mistrust, fighting, attacking, disrespect, running away, etc.

Though these three components sound simple, the hard part is not having these components for the other person, the complexity comes in how we let the other person see that we acknowledge them , accept them, and appreciate them.--and vise-versa:  allowing ourselves to recognize that the other person is acknowledging us, accepting us, and appreciating us.

Emotions

I get it! I finally understand! All of my reading and studying has finally paid off and I've made a discovery (crack out my patronage money please!)

Being a guy and more importantly a human being, Emotions have been really hard to understand, but I can finally put a definition to them better than Lieutenant Commander Data ever could:

Emotions are a higher level response to events of the past that are triggered in the present. 

Imagine emotions as a scripted response whenever a very specific event happens in our present. Just like a piece of computer code, something triggers it, it executes a specific response, and suddenly we are "feeling" things. This is cool because there are only a few emotions (anger, guilt, frustration, fear, sadness, confusion, pain, happiness, love and I think that's all but correct me if you can think of any others[possibly passion?]). Sure, there are more complex emotions, like stress; but stress is a combination of confusion and frustration or anger; and there are more intense versions of emotions such as depression, which is extreme sadness mixed with possibly confusion or anger. All of these complex emotions are rooted in the basic emotions/

Anything can trigger an emotion, and Nothing can even trigger an emotion. Winning the lottery, buying a house, losing your house, buying a lotto ticket, tripping, sneezing, running into an old acquaintance, sitting at home alone, thinking--anything can trigger it and even the absence of anything (the lack of action, such as when you are thinking or when something happens to you that you have no control over) can trigger it. Any experience or desire for an experience can trigger it.

When an emotion is triggered, your mind makes rapid links to your past experiences. Every time that you felt fear, whether you were watching a scary movie or home alone or almost got in a car wreck, your subconscious mind is making a link to all of these experiences and recording data--generalizing data--to the point that it tells your almost-conscious mind: you've gotta go into anger mode, or fear mode, or frustrated mode, or confused mode, or sad mode. Suddenly chemicals are released in your body that cause a physical reaction, such as pumping more blood to prepare to fight when you're angry or releasing chemicals that improve your happiness.
When your mind "links to the past" what it is doing is comparing the past to the present so that it can categorize and make sense of what is happening. Having your dog die and your grandmother die will trigger sadness which is the brains way of saying to your conscious: "look, this is not very different from when Fido died. Now come up with a conscious decision of where to go from here and draw on your past experiences to make that decision."

This communication between your subconscious and your conscious is what I would call a "higher level response". It is a link between what your subconscious is good at doing (categorizing and making sense of things) and what your conscious is supposed to do, (make decisions). I used the term earlier "almost-conscious mind" but it is the same thing--it is a product of your conscious mind. Think of it as instructions from your subconscious to act and make a decision.

Here's where things get tricky. If it is Triggered by something in your present and it links to your past, then you're not really experiencing anything new when you feel that emotion. What you are feeling is the years of similar experiences in your life. So whether I am impatient because the guy at the cash register is taking up too much of my time (anger and frustration) or because my girlfriend cheated on me (anger and frustration) it's the same thing and only varies by degrees of intensity (and sometimes there really isn't variation between the two experiences).
Sadly, people believe that emotions are beyond their control. In some regards this is true, but when you take a step back you realize that you are in full control--remember: emotions are triggered responses, but they are triggered IN ORDER FOR YOU TO MAKE A DECISIONS .  So next time you feel angry or frustrated or confused, if you can recognize the feeling and think about it critically, you realize that how you proceed is up to you. You can be mad at the clerk for being a slow old lady, or you can choose to take pity on her and understand her and think about your own life and you can prepare your own future so that you don't have to end up like her. The anger is a triggered response, but how you manage that emotion is completely up to you.
Unfortunately, there ARE things that you have no control over in this life: basically anything in your past. That old lady ringing you up is already slow already takign up your time and will continue to take up your time, you have no control over it at this point because your decisions led you to choose this store and this register. After your girlfriend has cheated on you, you can't control her, you can't go back in the past and change things to stop her--it's already happened. What your subconscious is telling you isn't that you should fight this person, it is telling you to do something so that in the future you don't face this scenario. (or in a happy situation it is telling you to do something to preserve this feeling and to make it happen again later).

So what do we do about negative emotions? --this is a mystery of life that I'm still trying to work out 100%, but what I DO know is that we need to address our emotions. Always. We need to OWN our emotions--just because your grandmother died doesn't make this feeling of sadness the doctor's fault. It doesn't make it your fault either that you didn't spend more time with her and you feel regret (sadness and confusion) for not utilizing that time. You can't sweep your emotions under the rug and say that you don't feel them, because it will only make the intensity worse the next time a sequence of events triggers that feeling. You can't blame others because the next time you feel that emotion you will think you are powerless to change things and you will instantly revert to your previous behavior the last time you felt that emotion.
You can train yourself into a specific action whenever you feel an emotion. People who have a history of running away from their problems are a prime example of this: they blame others or "life/fate/etc" (the absence of others), and then they never address the emotion and it happens again so they run away again, and then they feel the emotion and run away again. They get locked in a cycle of blaming others or no one, or themselves, and then they run away, and they do this because that's what they have trained themselves to do. The action becomes just as scripted as the emotion--and in fact, aren't there direct actions linked to the emotion, such as increased heart rate or chemical release?
Fortunately, you can (though it is hard) train yourself out of negative emotions. This requires a few different things:
 First, you need to address what is at the root of the emotion. Let's say someone cuts in front of you in line and you get angry. Once you can recognize that you are feeling angry, you can think back to whatever similar circumstance made you angry--possibly the most angry experience that you can remember--and lets say that the thing that made you the most angry was that your best friend told you he was going to part from you because he found better friends. Made you feel worthless right? It made you feel angry because you were there for him and you would do anything for him and you think it's not fair. Well right now things aren't very fair either--that guy just cut in front of you even though you were waiting here first. And it's not that you wouldn't have LET him go in front of you if he had simply asked, but he didn't--and neither did your friend ask you if you were okay with taking a break from one another so that he could figure himself out. When (in this example) you realize that your anger is due to the fact that you think you have no control over the situation, then you are ready to proceed.
Second, you need to do something that can release that emotion. This is different for everyone, (and though I don't have proof of this, I think that it is different for every situation as well--ie, you might release things differently depending on the situation). For some people, taking deep breaths and stretching helps release the emotion. For others it's writing in a journal or going for a walk. Some people just need to tell somebody. I met a lady once (who I thought then was crazy and still do) who used to "pet the cat" to relieve her emotions--she'd hold up her arm and pretend it was a cat and that she was petting it...weird, I know, but it worked for her, so don't discredit it. --now that I've given you some examples, let me go deeper and give you a hint: doing something physical, such as shaking your arms or stretching serves the same function as going for a walk, so if you're THAT kind of person, doing anything physical can release the emotion. (this is why walking outside to take a breather works just as well as throwing a fist), if you need to do something expressive, writing in a journal can work just as much as talking to a friend because it allows you to focus your thoughts and energy into explaining yourself.
Third, you need to change your behavior. Whatever you would have done in the past, whether it's shut your mouth and not cause problems, or push the guy to the back of the line, consider doing the opposite (or the positive opposite, because you don't want to make a negative emotion into an even more negative emotion). If you would have normally not said anything, make a point to tell the person (politely) "look, I think you cut in line and it's going to make me feel better and less angry to tell you that I saw you and I don't care that you did that." Or if you normally would shoot your mouth off, try to do the opposite--hold it in as long as you can until they are gone (you may even need to try some other techniques like taking phsyical actions such as laughing or shaking your arms and legs out)
Fourth, make it a habit. Next time you feel angry, do the exact same thing you did last time, only this time around, you're in control of it and because you're in control of it you are capable of doing something positive instead of something negative. Over time all of these "negative" emotions you're feeling will trigger positive emotions and help you grow. Instead of being mad all the time or scared all of the time, you'll be more confident, more capable, and more in control of your life.

I think one of the keys to being happy all of the time is this kind of self-control. Most people get hung up on the first two steps--they don't address the emotion correctly (they deny the emotion or they attribute it to something else other than their own mind) and if they do confront the emotion and admit to themselves or others that they feel angry or sad and make it to the second step, then they miss the part about releasing that emotion. They claim it is just a part of life and they get trapped in the cycle or they revel in the emotion and make it into something worse (brooding over how mad they are, depression over how sad they are and can't get out of it, paranoia over how scared they feel, cynical angst because they're so frustrated, etc).

Sadly, I need to make a personal note here and say that I have struggled for a good 10 years or so  (more like 24 years) with my emotions. I swept a lot of them under the rug because I wanted to feel strong and in control--but I wasn't in control when I did that. When I felt angry or sad or whatever, and I know I was feeling that emotion, I would brood in it and suddenly my relationships with people would become really tense. Sometimes I would get so frustrated with life and "the way people were treating me" that I would sink into depression and shut down, or I would get so angry at another person that I would retaliate back on them. (a few of these things I learned to manage, but I wasn't really in control of them, such as the retaliation--only did that under the most extreme situations). Later in life (up until recently, really) I would merely sink into a kind of depression at everything that I couldn't sweep under the rug. If it was a strong enough emotion I'd sit at home alone thinking about how miserable I was and sometimes I'd take it out on people close to me (especially if they were there when it was triggered).--I'd literally get grouchy and moody and not want to talk because I was thinking about the feeling, it would preoccupy my mind, and worse of all I wouldn't think of it as an emotion, I'd think of it as a collection of possibilities. My mother would criticize me and I would think there was a possibility she was out to get me--out to control my life, out to bring me down to her level or hold me back. I never wanted to address my emotions because I didn't want to be a weak crybaby because that's all I was when I was little: a crybaby and my siblings would make fun of me and egg me on to make me cry or make me so upset that I'd turn over the table that we were playing monopoly on or do something that ultimately got me in trouble with my parents (especially my mom who I later thought was out to get me because she would crack the whip when I was little). Ya, I was that bad. And when I was little I'd retaliate by egging my siblings on to get them in trouble so that they'd have to feel those negative emotions as I did.
What the hell was I thinking?--Now that I'm an adult I no longer want to make people feel those negative emotions and yet I'm so deep in this that It's hard to dig my way out--these emotions are so rooted that I automatically do them.
Now I know better. Now I want to change and I'm going to change them one by one and I encourage you to do the same. It's a very human process. It's called progression.--you break out of those bad cycles that you're in and you start doing things that are going to improve this area of your life: the emotional side.

Emotions are not bad things. Emotions are good. Emotions are a sign that you subconscious is doing it's job (Sorry Spock, but emotions are not illogical, emotions are superior to logic because they are the epitome of logic--they are the logic of your whole life compounded into the present: "when this happens therefore this will happen so go do something about it"). Emotions are your subconscious sending you a message saying: It's time to improve. Now that you know this and understand this you can start to appreciate it. It's a sign that you're human. It's a sign that you're intelligent. It's a sign that you're capable and that you trust yourself, because why would your subconscious keep telling you to change if it didn't have faith that you could change?--it would just shut off as it does with many people who are mentally ill.

As a final note, let me reiterate something:  no one can make you feel a certain way. Other people may trigger these feelings inside of you, but they aren't causing these feelings. YOU are causing these feelings. You might be angry at the slow clerk, but really your brain is calling back to a time in your past when, because you decided to wait, you missed out on something and you blamed someone else or you blamed the circumstance. You might be frustrated at the clerk, but really your subconscious is harping back to a time when, because you made decisions, you were forced to wait as a direct consequence for your decisions.
Your girlfriend may have cheated on you and when you heard the news, you were mad at her and at him and maybe even at yourself, but really that feeling of anger is callback to all of the times when you chose to do something that resulted in an unfair consequence. All of those times that you agreed to share your candy with your friends and they overstepped their bounds and left you with nothing. Or how about the time that you left the front door unlocked and someone came in to steal your TV and all of your xbox games?--it's not fair, no, but you had just as much control over keeping your stuff from being stolen as you did from keeping your girl from being stolen. We all make mistakes such as leaving the front door unlocked or not providing for our girlfriend's needs, but what's done is done. Feel that pain, let it out, and then change for the future.

Mankind's Slow Evolution

I have been reading several books lately on interpersonal communication and conflict--newer books--The Guide to Compassionate Assertiveness (2012), The Triangle of Truth (2011), Conscious Communication (2010), Breaking the Argument Cycle (2009), and How to Hug a Porcupine (2009). 
These books Should be the latest and greatest knowledge on communication, yet I am under the impression that most of these books are complete garbage.

Conscious Communication seems to be the best book I have ever read on interpersonal communication. I think it comes closest to reality and the "truth" as Plato would put it. In one section of this book, Miles Sherts begins to touch on the evolution process of man and my mind began to mix with his thoughts and I think I completely understand where he is going with this thought:

One of the things that separate us from Animals is that we have the ability to create complex noises to communicate with one another and formulate sentences; we also have the ability to think about thinking--which supposedly animals cannot. Most importantly, we have the ability to recognize our feelings and to name them. We can assess ourselves and determine: I am sad right now, I am happy, I am grateful, I am distraught, I am angry.

Yet even though we can create complex sounds and communicate how we are feeling--we haven't advanced very far in this field as a human race. 

Most of us communicate logically rather than emotionally. We make assumptions and treat them as facts. When someone does something that hurts us, we say "You are a bad person" and we live on the assumption that that person is out to get us, out to hurt us, out to dishonor our families and circumvent our lives. It is the simple: "Because of this, therefore this." Logic. That's what that is. But that's now how logic is supposed to be used, because it isn't an avenue to the truth.

Rhetorical tools, Logic, Ethos, Pathos, Kairos--these are supposed to bring us closer to the truth, not theory. They are supposed to bring about good in the world, not fear. They are supposed to help you learn or teach, rather than narrow your mind to new ideas.

The thing I have learned from my recent studies has been that the NEW avenue of evolution--the area in which we humans NEED to evolve in order to survive, the area in which we have been fighting generationally to overcome this and unfortunately it has been a slow process can be explained as follows:

We have found a way to gather resources so that all of our physical needs are easily taken care of, but our emotional needs, because of society and the culture required to reach this level of human advancement, have taken a back seat. Instead of addressing emotional needs we focus on physical needs as the means to an end, but it doesn't help to heal emotional wounds.
We run away from emotional pain or blame others because of 'logical' associations we make between other people and our emotional pain. Because our emotional needs aren't met and more importantly, because we don't know how to address or resolve emotional wounds, we sever relationships, we lash back, and we "fight" to survive.
But emotional pain isn't like physical pain. We don't need to fight for our emotional well being like we do for our physical well being. Gaining possessions, securing more resources of food and water, these might help us resolve our physical well-being, but our emotional well being isn't resolved by securing more relationships. If you don't resolve your emotional needs, having more relationships will only bring more opportunities for conflict and can ultimately lead to you pushing away your relationships or hurting other people and making your emotional pain even worse because the closer people are to you the more likely they are to bring out your emotional wounds.

As a society, but more importantly as individuals, we need to focus on resolving our emotional needs ourselves and being more compassionate to others who are suffering emotional pain. But before we can do that, we need to evolve so that we can recognize emotional pain--in ourselves and in others. And then we need to learn how to resolve emotional pain, because emotional pain can be triggered by other people, but resolving that emotional pain is an individual process in which we might rely on the support of others but ultimately must make the journey ourselves in the confines of our own minds.

You shouldn't walk away from other people simply because they trigger emotional pain in you, just like you shouldn't blame the fire for burning you.

The trouble with life

There are several problems I have with life and with living--nothing as yet to stop me from doing so, but still it makes life frustrating.

So here it is, my "big problem" or whatever you want to call it.

It's called time.

You either have not enough time to do everything you need to do, or you have too much time to get everything done in.

I by far lean on the side of too much time: I thrive in those moments when I'm so busy my head is spinning, but I always work myself out of work. And when that happens, I'm so out of place because I get used to doing a lot of things all at once and then have nothing.


Life is boring overall.


I would like to think I have a lot of hobbies and enjoy doing a lot of different things and doing them quickly, but doing things doesn't really take up time. Not being bored takes up time.

Time is an interesting thing. You don't really notice it until you keep track of it; until you need to do something in a set amount of it, until you look forward to something. When you're perfectly happy with your present use of time, you hate to see time slip by and yet at the same time you like it...it's bitter sweet.

Time is the most frustrating thing ever. We need to eat and we need to sleep, and that governs our life, it governs the time of our life. We look forward to eating, we look forward to sleeping, and then we have to spend our time working in order to eat and we need to sleep and eat to recover when we work.
It's been said that the best thing in life is when you find work that you enjoy, but I don't necessarily agree with that because I think you need to find ways to enjoy your work.
And yet here I am...bored...and no one aspires to be bored--to sit around and do nothing. So when it happens, how to you feel good about it?

Everybody got their problems

99 Problems

This song doesn't fit 100% but here goes...

Why is it that people blame others for their problems? I'm not talking about when clearly something is their problem but they blame it on other people, like when someone gets in a wreck and blames it on the idiot they crashed into, I'm talking about when people get offended. I'm talking about when people are annoyed. I'm talking about when people fight over things and jihad and crusade. I'm talking about when people get something stuck in their head that they believe so strongly that they can't see the other side.

And I'm guilty of it too.

It is human nature to be one sided--it's how the mind works, it's how we sleep at night. It's because our minds try so hard to make sense of this life and if we don't understand something we compartmentalize it under some other umbrella so that we don't have to think about it. We only see what we see, and that doesn't mean it's the truth. It's just perspective.

But people base their whole lives on their perspective--and how else can they? We are the product of our experiences, and our experiences are biased by our perspective.

So, I suppose I'm not really talking about blaming others for one's problems, I'm talking about hypocrisy. People look at their perspective and they see things they can't understand and they compartmentalize them in some category that makes sense to them. They look at differences in opinion as right and wrong; differences in actions as acceptable or unacceptable behavior; and they let other people's methods of thought or action affect them positively or negatively.

People are always under the assumption that society is following the same rules as they are, the truth is that there are very few rules that have been universalized among society. People think society governs sexual conduct, ethical conduct, and they assume that we live in society and follow mores and norms because they provide us with safety and resources. But a society is really just a collection of people, each with a different perspective.

The assumption is that by living in a society there will be greater good for oneself than living outside of that society; what people fail to recognize is that there is greater bad by living in society as well. Instead of choosing to be even-keel, a member of society chooses to have higher highs and lower lows.

I'm not talking about society in general, though this applies to them as well, what I'm referring to is smaller sub-groups of society. Churches, cities, corporations, families, race communities, gangs, etc.--anywhere that people come together. Parents take on a burden for their kids, church leaders go out of their way to help their members, corporations pay the managers more than they employees and shareholders reap the profits even though they barely work at all.
You hear stories about parents complaining about their kids because they put effort into them and are disappointed by them. You hear church leaders frustration with their flocks at not following the principles they teach, you hear shareholders complaining about the poor work of their company employees; and yet none of this is related. It's all in perspective. The kids don't see life as an adult--they haven't lived long enough. The church members pick and choose their ethics because they don't know any better or because their perspective is such that they don't care. The employees and managers of companies make decisions in the moment that effect the future.

Is society doomed? No. Because society has operated this way since the dawn of man and it will continue to operate this way forever. There are good parts, even great perks to being in society, but nothing is free. And if you know how to take advantage of the system, you can see great things from being in society and diminish  your own loses--thereby limiting risk--but it always comes at a price.

People see others as the problem when they themselves are the problem. Not because they blame their problems on other people, but because they lack knowledge, they lack skill, they lack ability, and most importantly, they are trapped in their perspective.

By my perspective, everyone would confront problems in their relationships and discuss them in an environment where both parties agree to not take offence by what is said and both parties agree to act cool headed and not purposely say or do things to hurt the other party. But not everyone sees this as the best way to go. Some people see problems in relationships, conflict, as a negative thing, and they desire everyone to avoid it, not talk about it, keep cool headed, ignore it, and find a work around at whatever expense. Is one more correct than the other? No. They are just different.

The wise person walks through this world understanding two things: 1) that others don't see things the way that they do, and 2) understanding that we aren't meant to know the truth and therefore can't be more right than the next guy/girl.

I think one of the keys to this life is to simply understand, nothing more, nothing less.