Well, here I am, at it again. Another insane post by K. Oakes. If you're serious about reading this blog you've probably noticed how deep I go and you may recognize a time or two (probably hundreds) of times where my points don't make a lot of sense or that you strongly disagree with them because they are highly flawed and built on incorrect premises. Sadly, I have to apologize, because no one comments either way on these articles, so whether you like them or not I don't know that and therefore don't invest sufficient time to correcting any false premises that I currently believe. I'm banking on the fact that when I write something out it gives me a little more room to think about and clean up my thoughts than when I just think it in my head.
Here's another one to consider:
What would you do with pure freedom/liberty/agency? If you had the ability to do anything--if you were not required to do anything in order to exist. If you could do anything right now... what would you do with that ability?
Me, personally, I probably wouldn't do anything.--I'm too obsessed with doing what I can't do. When I think about freedom, I think about the things that I can't do right now. When I think about liberty, I think of what I would rather be doing, and when I think of agency, I think about what I can do right now and how I have other things that I NEED to do.
My agency is limited. Not because I am prevented from doing anything, but because I have other things that I need to do before I can do those things.--finding food, water, and shelter is more on the top of my mind than having friends to spend time with. Securing my future well-being is more important to me than anyone. And I hate that. I hate that everything I'm doing right now is all about preserving my agency so that one day--some day in the future--I will be able to use my agency.
All of my hobbies of late are merely preoccupations of my mind on the dream of one day making money with them--the film making. The dating coaching site. Writing stories and poem. Learning to program Java/make android apps. All of those things that I find "fun", I'm noticing, are really just because one day they'll make me worth a lot of money--for knowing how to do/combine/apply them. --who am I? This is about how I feel...and I don't even drink!
I live a lot of my life wishing I was in a better position. People look at me and if they heard me say that they'd REALLY think I was crazy (whereas I'm only half crazy right now).
Let's face it. If I had a 40hr/week job that paid for an apartment and groceries I think I'd be set for life. There would be no end to where I could go. There would be no end to what I would do. No one would stop me from accomplishing anything.
Why?
Because I have a very intelligent brain: I've come to realize a lot of things about life. I'm talented at so many things. I'm creative. Let's face it: I've got it made before I've even got it.
But somewhere along the line I made a few messed up decisions that I'm still banking are going to pay off, and those things have locked me in, strapped me for time, killed my energy and have got me so worried about the future that I can't focus on actually accomplishing anything until I'm finished with them. (School for example).
When I've finally moved out of this hell hole called Logan, I hope my next life isn't going to be this depressing. I hope my next life is going to grant me more liberty than this shitty place. I have very little good to say about this town. Honestly. If it were possible I'd redo all of my decisions and go to some other college, some other city, do things differently, because right now I don't have pure freedom.
In my head, pure freedom is possible. I believe it's possible to have the world at your front door and all you have to do is take a step out. I've seen it--rather, read it in some of the most successful people I know--of my heros. But I know all too well how bad luck can just happen. How unforeseen consequences can occur. I know all too well how your decisions can damn you because I've not only seen it in other people, but I've seen it in myself.
So again.
What would you do with pure freedom?
If you woke up and realized you were living in a prison and that today was your last day--you were finally getting out...what would you do?
If today you graduated. If today you got out of that contract. If you just got off your mission. If your demented elderly parent died. If your kids just moved out of the house. If today you were to retire. What would you do?
Most people who get out of prison don't know what to do--they've been in prison too long and they don't remember what life is like outside of it. The same is true with missionaries. When a live-in parent you were taking care of for years suddenly passes away, half of your pain is not knowing what to do with your time, what to devote your thoughts to. I think everything is that way. We as humans become shocked.
People are adverse to change. Not because things actually change, because often times change is good, but because it means they need to adapt and change.
That's also the reason why so many people are opposed to new ideas. --because they have to change in order to accept those things. Because it makes them more free. And with freedom comes confusion--not the typical confusion, but the confusion of not knowing what will happen.
When, in America, the blacks were finally freedmen, many of them did not know what to do with themselves. Some of them knew exactly what to do: find their separated family, but they didn't know where to look. Most of them stayed within a 5 mile radius of their southern plantation and worked as a freed farmer. A lot of them became paid servants on southern plantations.
So again, what would you do with freedom if you had it?--pure freedom, not just the freedom you have being an American, etc.
I'm not sure I would do anything differently. If I took a plane trip that crash landed on a remote island, I would finally be free. But I'd still be focusing on finding food.--it might be a little easier because I could go about it resourcefully: hunting, fishing, gathering, planting. --I might enjoy it a little better sometimes, and other times I'd feel as though I wish I had more food --a steady supply.
To me, I see a connection between freedom and newness. The truth is: we are always limited by our decision. And we can either make a decision that leads to future decision, or we can choose a decision where we HAVE to accept our decision.
::What I'm getting at is this: I don't see any difference in agency between me and the bum on the street who drugged and drunk himself to where he is now. The difference I do see is that that bum is more free: because he know's he's in a situation with limited freedom. He knows he's at rock bottom. He faces the same things I do, but he knows he can't go much lower. He knows just as much as I do that what he does each day doesn't matter to anyone except for himself. He knows as much as I do that he's a sinner, he knows he's got nothing. He knows that there is more out there in the world and that he can't have it. But he doesn't know that I'm the same way. That's because THESE FEELINGS are human. All humans feel this way at some point or another in their life. Some only briefly. Me...I've felt it for going on five years.
I've felt a lot of human experiences: what's more, I've recognized them and made connections to other things in my lfie. And freedom still eludes me.
So maybe you, READER, can help me. In our modern times, is there any sort of job--any way to make a living--in which I get to use my human experiences, get to use my life, get to explain the things I've learned. That's about all I'm good at. It's my master talent, recognizing and (eventually) explaining human thought and emotion.
Is there an occupation for this?
Writer? Film Maker? Public Speaker? --I've tried them all and I'm not good enough. Singer?...country singer? Ya...maybe I could try that next. I'm just running out of ideas, because I can't keep doing what I'm doing...I'm just not successful enough at it. I don't make enough connections with the right people (the ones with money). I just don't feel free.
And as I sit here thinking about what all this means, I get going in a giant circle: I want to be free, then I realize there's nothing to it because everyone's facing the same thing, so I tell myself to just be happy with where I am, then I worry about whether I"m going to be able to continue doing things like I am, then I'm back to wanting to be free.
I think I like being happy with how things are...and hoping for a bright future the best...
<TO BE CONTINUED>
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