Will

I started to write a will but decided I didn't want to include some of the people I listed in it so I quit writing it.

I figure I'll write down a few things I DO know right here, and maybe that will motivate me to finish it:


1- When I die, I want to donate my primary organs: Heart, Liver, Kidney, Lungs, and Eyes, to otherwise healthy kids (first) and then adults who have genetic defects, were wounded in a gunfight, car crash, or other abnormal disaster.
2- My spinal column, brain, skin, and any other internal organs I would like to donate to scientific research related to developing technologies that can rebuild dead or dying cells, or genetic research.
3- With anything left, I wish to be cremated and have my ashes separated and spread throughout nature--the ocean, the mountains, forests, etc. Preferably by a close friend or family member who will hike, bike, kayak, mountain climb, or ride horses to such remote places.
4- I want to have a bench built in a nature park or along a hiking trail, that can be used as a monument to my life. Inscribed on the bench I want it to have my house seal (which I designed myself) and the words "I am from the past, no one knows the future, but I tried my damnedest to live in the present."
5- Each of my two Brothers and two Sisters, and Both of my parents are entitled to take one item from my possessions of their choosing.
6- Should any women come forward claiming to be my girlfriend (however weak their claims) at the time of my death, they will be entitled to one of my possessions of their choosing.
7- My dog shall be returned to my breeder as per my contract with her, who I will entrust to either return to one of my trusted family members or friends who will give her a good home or will find a better home for her. Should any of my family or friends want her they may take it up with Regalane.
8- My car, I want to auction off and the proceeds donated to the Arbor Day Foundation because I like what they are trying to do for the world.
9- My house and any land that I own I want to be sold at auction, the opening bid at the amount I still owe on my mortgage plus any of my debts--I don't imagine it will have a hard time selling.
10- I want the rest of my possessions auctioned off with the exception of any content rights, creative rights, or rights to residuals.



At this point, I don't know what else to do with my possessions...

I know that I do not want to give my creative rights away to anyone--because I know no one who I could trust with them. All of my poems, all of my writings, my artwork, my films, my book--all of it is shit anyway, but I still don't want to give them to anyone because no one has proven themselves worthy to me.
So if they are worth anything, if what I have had to say is worth anything to anyone, I don't want them to have it because they don't deserve it.
At this point in my life, I don't even think I want any of it published once I'm dead, so if I die before it gets published then I hope it sinks to the grave with me. It's selfish, I know, and I have no excuse for it...

Please read this letter/incorporate it into my obituary:

I want to make the point that you have all treated me like shit.
Some of you have used me like a slave, enlisted me to work for you while you gained from my labor, and most often you did this by offering me the worst deals that you knew I had to take because I had no other options at the time.
Some of you have forced me into situations where I had to pay for your things, not of my own free will but out of guilt.
Some of you have lied to me and some of you have hid things me, and you should know I never believed that intentions were justifications for doing anything. When your lies made me feel bad, gave me anxiety, kept me from information that might have helped me make a good decision, then I don't give a damn about your reasoning behind it, because some of you never apologized to me.
Some of you weren't there when I needed you. I've maintained a policy that if anyone needs someone to talk to, that I would volunteer. And I did!--I did for my whole adult life. Yet when I needed to talk, some of you have blown me off.
And you know what? Ignoring me was what hurt me the most in life. I could have handled you telling me off. I could have handled you telling me that you didn't care enough about me to listen to me. I could have handled you telling me that I was an asshole who didn't deserve it. But you didn't. You didn't say anything and you let me beat myself up.

I guess that's the whole reason why I don't think anyone is worthy.

So take whats left of my money and buy up a large block of milled copper with it and drop it into the ocean.

Want to know me? Know my Cynic

[WARNING CAUTION WARNING CAUTION WARNING CAUTION:]
[This is an angry cynical angst drunk rant. Read at your own discretion...]

You know what?
I hate the way the world works.
I hate the way it fits together so neatly.
I hate that I know the consequences.
I hate that I'm responsible.
I hate that I'm not crazy and yet, I am.
i hate that I have it good when others don't
I hate how perfect my life is
because it's not perfect!
I hate that I love my life

I'm invisible
because I'm a statue
Apollo
One look
One awe
And then they're done
I blend in
to everything around

You know how many times I've heard that line?
"You're too perfect for me" ... because "I'm not used to guys like you"
Fuck my Life!
You might think I'm perfect
but I'm choosing you right now
I'm living right now
I'm with you
right now.
And it kills me every time

I've been the secret lover
I've been the one you hate
I've been your best friend for years
and you'd still walk away
I've been hurt
I keep bouncing back
And you know what?
I have no one to turn to
no one to tell how I feel
no one to listen to
no one to take care of
except myself.

I'm not selfish
I'm tender
And we don't do well in the sun
all alone.
I might look like a cactus
but I'm not prickly
I'm no porcupine
I won't bite!

If I can't have you for myself
I want you as a friend, best
But please don't walk
Don't leave
When everything is so good

Losing an Uphill Battle && Why I write

I suppose it's time for me to make a statement regarding my life:

I have been fighting an uphill, underdog battle for many years--perhaps my whole life. As well as I can tell, I do not see any correlations between my upbringing and this battle, though my mind is quite fantastical and it could be so repressed that I have yet to dig it up.

The thing I have always fought with is a desire for companionship. As a toddler, I drowned in the west jordan pool because I wanted to be among the companionship of my older sister and threw my current capabilities out the window to do so and ventured into the deeper end of the pool. I can recall doing ANYTHING to be accepted by the kids at my baby sitter Annette's house. And in Elementary, I recall a couple of times where I went inside to cry at my desk because the other children didn't want me to play with them. Later, in my final year at my elementary school, I remember trying my damnedest to fit in with the cool kids and finally (at least as my perception remembers) being accepted in a small segment of the popular group.
And then I moved away and threw all of that away.
At my new school I struggled to fit in in the last couple months of the school year--the last couple of months of elementary even. And then in Jr. High I struggled some more with some of the shittiest friends a boy could have. Finally, in High school things leveled out for me and I had a few close, respectable friends, though I don't understand why or how. When high school was ending and everyone was going separate ways and I kind of got the impression that my friends didn't want me coming around unless I was fully committed to them and their lifestyle (and at the time, I wasn't--I had a few brainwashings to overcome that prevented me from fully committing to them).
By college, I was no better or worse than before. I was new. I was different. And I don't know if I never learned to make friends and be popular or if I have never been given the opportunity (I would think the latter, because I DO have a few very good friends...keyword "few").
Finally, as an adult, I entered the workforce, bought a house, bought a dog, bought a new car, have a few grandiose experiences under my belt and a head full of knowledge, a pocket full of cash, and a dreaming mind. Yet, I have no friends. I fit in with no one. Even my family is foreign to me.


I'm different. I know this. I refuse to suck up to anyone, I refuse to be a slave for anyone, I refuse to bear all of the risks, I refuse to share much of my life because I value my freedom and independence--it keeps me happy--more than I value other people. When I invest in someone else, I'm all in. Yet, I get the impression that "all in" is the worst public policy for this day and age. My generation is the generation of safety and security--or so experts say. They invest small and expect large, or they invest small, fidget around and let the wind toss them here and there and then after much pressure they agree to invest more or back away.

The realization I have made recently is:
I have no friends because I refuse to give up my beliefs. I believe in freedom. I believe in fairness. I believe in equal respect. In fact, I believe in equality to such an extreme that it harms me, because I see strangers as my equal: I believe that other people are like me, that they aren't shady, they are intelligent, I trust that others are benevolent and understanding and that their main goals in life are to be happy. And yet, that is not so. Everyone I know has two faces, myself included--I have the face that you see now, that is open and honest, and I have the face that wants so badly to have attention and be popular and famous and looked up to and respected and included.
But I cannot have that. I cannot be famous and respected and have the amount of attention that I need in a day/week/month/year. I cannot even have the attention of just one person or the full respect of one person. And I realize now that the reason I can't have that is because I refuse to give up my beliefs. I refuse to believe that we aren't all equals--men, women, regardless of skin color, regardless of age, regardless of religion. I refuse to believe that we aren't all equals working towards the same things. I refuse to believe that we aren't all at the same level of confidence and motivation, that we don't all work the same way internally or that we aren't all going through the same general things.

They say that freedom never was free. That equality never was free. And that someone had to die for my freedom. Well. I suppose the person who has to die for MY freedom is myself. The person who has to die for my beliefs is Me. So I'm going to die in a sense. I'm going to give up that part of me that I have no control over, that part of me that is casing me so much problems. The part that says: I WANT your friendship, I WANT people in my life, I WANT respect and popularity and all that. No. From here on out all I care about is me and my freedom. I'll do what I want, when I want where I want say what I want and call out anyone I want. I'm no longer going to present any fake part of myself --not that I do anyway--but now I'm not going to care if people are disappointed in me, if people say stupid shit to guilt me into things, or have critical opinions of me. I don't get a damn. The person who did give a damn about what society cares about, the person who cared about being a part of society. He died so that I could live freely.

So Fuck You all (not you...because you're reading this) but fuck everyone else and their moms.

In fact, I'll be honest here. The main reason I write is because I want to be heard, because no one in the real world gives a shit about what I say. No one gives a shit about what I do. They won't even give me negative attention anymore. Am I the boy who cries wolf? Who knows. But I do know that a handful of people read my blog--a handful or less. Or maybe it' sjust one other person out there who comes back several times. I don't know. But there ARE people who read this blog. And there are people who read my other blogs.

So fuck the world of everyone else. I don't care anymore. I just want to live alone, in peace, and people better contribute to my life and be nice or just stay out of my way.