Losing an Uphill Battle && Why I write

I suppose it's time for me to make a statement regarding my life:

I have been fighting an uphill, underdog battle for many years--perhaps my whole life. As well as I can tell, I do not see any correlations between my upbringing and this battle, though my mind is quite fantastical and it could be so repressed that I have yet to dig it up.

The thing I have always fought with is a desire for companionship. As a toddler, I drowned in the west jordan pool because I wanted to be among the companionship of my older sister and threw my current capabilities out the window to do so and ventured into the deeper end of the pool. I can recall doing ANYTHING to be accepted by the kids at my baby sitter Annette's house. And in Elementary, I recall a couple of times where I went inside to cry at my desk because the other children didn't want me to play with them. Later, in my final year at my elementary school, I remember trying my damnedest to fit in with the cool kids and finally (at least as my perception remembers) being accepted in a small segment of the popular group.
And then I moved away and threw all of that away.
At my new school I struggled to fit in in the last couple months of the school year--the last couple of months of elementary even. And then in Jr. High I struggled some more with some of the shittiest friends a boy could have. Finally, in High school things leveled out for me and I had a few close, respectable friends, though I don't understand why or how. When high school was ending and everyone was going separate ways and I kind of got the impression that my friends didn't want me coming around unless I was fully committed to them and their lifestyle (and at the time, I wasn't--I had a few brainwashings to overcome that prevented me from fully committing to them).
By college, I was no better or worse than before. I was new. I was different. And I don't know if I never learned to make friends and be popular or if I have never been given the opportunity (I would think the latter, because I DO have a few very good friends...keyword "few").
Finally, as an adult, I entered the workforce, bought a house, bought a dog, bought a new car, have a few grandiose experiences under my belt and a head full of knowledge, a pocket full of cash, and a dreaming mind. Yet, I have no friends. I fit in with no one. Even my family is foreign to me.


I'm different. I know this. I refuse to suck up to anyone, I refuse to be a slave for anyone, I refuse to bear all of the risks, I refuse to share much of my life because I value my freedom and independence--it keeps me happy--more than I value other people. When I invest in someone else, I'm all in. Yet, I get the impression that "all in" is the worst public policy for this day and age. My generation is the generation of safety and security--or so experts say. They invest small and expect large, or they invest small, fidget around and let the wind toss them here and there and then after much pressure they agree to invest more or back away.

The realization I have made recently is:
I have no friends because I refuse to give up my beliefs. I believe in freedom. I believe in fairness. I believe in equal respect. In fact, I believe in equality to such an extreme that it harms me, because I see strangers as my equal: I believe that other people are like me, that they aren't shady, they are intelligent, I trust that others are benevolent and understanding and that their main goals in life are to be happy. And yet, that is not so. Everyone I know has two faces, myself included--I have the face that you see now, that is open and honest, and I have the face that wants so badly to have attention and be popular and famous and looked up to and respected and included.
But I cannot have that. I cannot be famous and respected and have the amount of attention that I need in a day/week/month/year. I cannot even have the attention of just one person or the full respect of one person. And I realize now that the reason I can't have that is because I refuse to give up my beliefs. I refuse to believe that we aren't all equals--men, women, regardless of skin color, regardless of age, regardless of religion. I refuse to believe that we aren't all equals working towards the same things. I refuse to believe that we aren't all at the same level of confidence and motivation, that we don't all work the same way internally or that we aren't all going through the same general things.

They say that freedom never was free. That equality never was free. And that someone had to die for my freedom. Well. I suppose the person who has to die for MY freedom is myself. The person who has to die for my beliefs is Me. So I'm going to die in a sense. I'm going to give up that part of me that I have no control over, that part of me that is casing me so much problems. The part that says: I WANT your friendship, I WANT people in my life, I WANT respect and popularity and all that. No. From here on out all I care about is me and my freedom. I'll do what I want, when I want where I want say what I want and call out anyone I want. I'm no longer going to present any fake part of myself --not that I do anyway--but now I'm not going to care if people are disappointed in me, if people say stupid shit to guilt me into things, or have critical opinions of me. I don't get a damn. The person who did give a damn about what society cares about, the person who cared about being a part of society. He died so that I could live freely.

So Fuck You all (not you...because you're reading this) but fuck everyone else and their moms.

In fact, I'll be honest here. The main reason I write is because I want to be heard, because no one in the real world gives a shit about what I say. No one gives a shit about what I do. They won't even give me negative attention anymore. Am I the boy who cries wolf? Who knows. But I do know that a handful of people read my blog--a handful or less. Or maybe it' sjust one other person out there who comes back several times. I don't know. But there ARE people who read this blog. And there are people who read my other blogs.

So fuck the world of everyone else. I don't care anymore. I just want to live alone, in peace, and people better contribute to my life and be nice or just stay out of my way.