Longing

I long for a simple life,
something better because I get it
something I chose completely
not something I fell into.

I don't want opportunities
they always come with stipulations
and they're rarely things I want at the time
I want options that I created.

And yet.
I want them now.


I feel like Bilbo Baggins when he says, "I want to see mountains again, Mountains Gandolf!"

I want that dream I've been chasing and I'm frustrated because I worry that it isn't possible.

A lot of things are piling up to some key moments that I have no control over right now and I have to wait to see how they play out. If they play out the way I would like, then I will be satisfied. If they don't, then I have to react to those outcomes. But right now, I just wish it would just play out so I don't have to be anxious.

American Fear

I've taken an interest in the history of the Atomic Bomb and the U.S. It's an interesting story and yet a very devastating one. --what an atrocity. The whole concept of it is disgusting.
Perhaps a teenage mind would support the use of the bomb, but the power of this weapon is too great. It has too many consequences.

Fear is the real weapon of the bomb. The fear that at any moment your life will be forfeit by some other man who had more opportunities than you in life that placed them in a powerful seat.

It is no wonder to me that modern warfare shifted from large scale assault with massive weapons to many small surprise strikes by individuals; Terrorism.

Terrorism is the response of the fear established by the bomb.

A single bomb can destroy some but not all of an international terroristic group, and if such extreme strike were used, it would have to be used on its own people. Furthermore, using harsh, brute force against a seemingly tiny speck of a fly would only enrage the fly and its friends and family to come back with even greater numbers.


Many things stopped the US from ever using the Bomb. What if those same things could stop the use of Terrorism?

Terrorism and guerrilla warfare will always exist, just like the Atom bomb will always exist. But perhaps there is a way to convince mankind to cease the use of Fear. If only we could think of some way to halt the use of fear.

I'm not a gypsy

It's no joke that I don't want to be where I am right now.

I don't like the city, but I feel that I have to be here because it's where I can make money--more and more easily than elsewhere.

I feel the call of the wild regularly. 

I hear the mountains and the trees and I look outside and I see neither. I feel cramped like I've overgrown my turf. My body complains about not getting enough sun and living in the dark and not tasting the real air.

I want to get out, but I'm not a gypsy. I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be anywhere in particular.

I want a space to call my own. I want a place I can be myself. I want to get away from all the people who stress me out. I want to have something to look forward to. Something to invest my energy into. I want a place of my own.

If you know me well enough, you know I hate money. I hate the concept of money most of the time. I'm good with my money. I follow the rules. But I associate money too much with the things I hate. 

I look elsewhere, at a map, trying to decide where I can go from here, but it all seems so far away. It all seems too distant. The obstacles in my way will take me years and years and then I'll be an old man and I won't be able to finish what I started.

--That thought makes me want to cry. I'm tearing up now. 

I feel embarrassed to share with anyone my plans. Dreams are usually personal and I don't know anyone I personally trust. So instead, I remain quiet and it eats at my insides. 

It's no wonder people do drastic things. They don't trust anyone or they don't see them as helpful in their processes. I'm ambitious, certainly. What I want to do seems so much bigger than me and I'm upset right now that it's so challenging, so difficult. 

I'm frustrated all across the board with my job, with my lifestyle, with my relationships, with my family, with my health, with time itself. To elaborate, I'm frustrated that my job is so stressful and fast paced, I'm upset that I live in a dark community apartment with less than 400sqft of domestic space and all of my outside space is communal. I'm disappointed that my family and I are so very different that I feel alienated when I have a casual conversation with them. I'm annoyed by starting to see the signs of my body falling apart, I'm sore all the time, I have trouble sleeping or I want to sleep longer when I do sleep, I'm not strong enough for everything and my muscles are constantly rebuilding and I feel like I don't have enough endurance because I'm running a marathon every day. And lastly, I'm a little irked with this thing called time: I know I won't live forever but I know I'll live a very long time--longer than most people; but I don't want to waste 1/3rd of my life living a lifestyle I'm not happy with. My head can't cope with this; it is pushing me to pursue my ambition or live in misery because nothing else is as important. 

Yes, perhaps I've found my passion and that's what's bothering me so much, but even though I know what my passion is I still can't have it, and that's why I have so much mental angst. 

A flawed system

I keep listening to this song and I think it has a huge effect on me. It's pretty heavy.

Life's pretty lame; but it doesn't have to be.



I've seen how beautiful life can be. I've touch those magnificent moments, I could smell them and taste them and bask in them--that's how real it is for me.
But I've also seen the idiotic mess that we've made of life. We humans have thwarted our own best chances. Instead of conceding to being happy, we put ourselves into an agitated state 24/7 and we dangle the golden carrot in front of our own eyes. Then we deny ourselves from ever reaching it.
And the interesting thing about all of this is that every human being does this.



Me, I'm trying to get back to the root of all life. That quest, it would seem, is my golden carrot. And as I work for it, I see these very complex obstacles that are stopping me. I see the bureaucratic system holding me back from this end goal. That system is starting to disgust me, and the more it disgusts me the more I want that carrot and the more I'm pushing for alternative routes to that goal. It's a perpetual cycle of me wanting this thing I can't have and not being happy right now because I'm too disgusted by the world around me; yet that disgust is what keeps me going as if maybe the thing I'm disgusted by is really what I'm living for.

*shiver*



To further my point, I'm going to share an out-there example that I think illuminates this predicament: People who vocally hate drama tend to be the ones whose lives are full of drama and more often than not are the ones who are starting drama. They'll point fingers at other people and try to blame them for causing drama in their life, yet the act of pointing fingers is what perpetuates the drama. It is as if the thing they hate the most is really themselves.

I feel a lot of sympathy for everyone right now. People who want love more than anything yet they struggle with loving others--People who live in fear of an anxious and tense situation, yet it is their tension that is triggering that very anxiety and fear.--People who struggle every day with their addictions and want to quit but they see themselves as weak and pathetic and only because they can't overcome their addictions.

Its sad you guys.

I'm not okay with this; and I think I've been going about this the wrong way by thinking "we" need to do something about this; because really "I" need to do something about this.