I'm not a gypsy

It's no joke that I don't want to be where I am right now.

I don't like the city, but I feel that I have to be here because it's where I can make money--more and more easily than elsewhere.

I feel the call of the wild regularly. 

I hear the mountains and the trees and I look outside and I see neither. I feel cramped like I've overgrown my turf. My body complains about not getting enough sun and living in the dark and not tasting the real air.

I want to get out, but I'm not a gypsy. I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be anywhere in particular.

I want a space to call my own. I want a place I can be myself. I want to get away from all the people who stress me out. I want to have something to look forward to. Something to invest my energy into. I want a place of my own.

If you know me well enough, you know I hate money. I hate the concept of money most of the time. I'm good with my money. I follow the rules. But I associate money too much with the things I hate. 

I look elsewhere, at a map, trying to decide where I can go from here, but it all seems so far away. It all seems too distant. The obstacles in my way will take me years and years and then I'll be an old man and I won't be able to finish what I started.

--That thought makes me want to cry. I'm tearing up now. 

I feel embarrassed to share with anyone my plans. Dreams are usually personal and I don't know anyone I personally trust. So instead, I remain quiet and it eats at my insides. 

It's no wonder people do drastic things. They don't trust anyone or they don't see them as helpful in their processes. I'm ambitious, certainly. What I want to do seems so much bigger than me and I'm upset right now that it's so challenging, so difficult. 

I'm frustrated all across the board with my job, with my lifestyle, with my relationships, with my family, with my health, with time itself. To elaborate, I'm frustrated that my job is so stressful and fast paced, I'm upset that I live in a dark community apartment with less than 400sqft of domestic space and all of my outside space is communal. I'm disappointed that my family and I are so very different that I feel alienated when I have a casual conversation with them. I'm annoyed by starting to see the signs of my body falling apart, I'm sore all the time, I have trouble sleeping or I want to sleep longer when I do sleep, I'm not strong enough for everything and my muscles are constantly rebuilding and I feel like I don't have enough endurance because I'm running a marathon every day. And lastly, I'm a little irked with this thing called time: I know I won't live forever but I know I'll live a very long time--longer than most people; but I don't want to waste 1/3rd of my life living a lifestyle I'm not happy with. My head can't cope with this; it is pushing me to pursue my ambition or live in misery because nothing else is as important. 

Yes, perhaps I've found my passion and that's what's bothering me so much, but even though I know what my passion is I still can't have it, and that's why I have so much mental angst.