I started podcasting this but stopped. I said all that needed to be said:
"My problem isn't that I don't have the tools, don't have the mindset, don't have the skills, don't have the drive, don't have the resources, don't have the creativity. My problem is that I don't see the future. I don't know what I want and therefore don't want it bad enough to go after it.
--Actually, I do know what I want and it's nothing I have control over because what I want is to have things happen out of my control that are exactly what I want. There are things I can do to take full control over it, but I don't want it to be forced and so I simply do not want to do it.
This is why Macbeth is my favorite Shakespeare play. Because it points out the problem of taking control over your destiny. He sees what he wants--he doesn't want it at first, but the weird sisters tell him that it's going to happen and when he sees the potential of it, that's when he realizes that he wants it. --I feel ya there! People have made it clear to me that it's possible, the thing that I want, and I'm very good at getting to my point of "Thane of Cawdor," and I can totally believe it. But then when I have the knife in my hand and I see my king lying right there, the whole rest of the story plays through my mind and torments me.
I don't want it to happen that way. I want it to happen naturally.
I know people who would kill to be in my situation. They would be Macbeth. They would be king for a time and they would die a king--just like macbeth. But I would not want that.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Repetition
I started to write an article and then realized that I probably said that already. It was very deja vu and I thought perhaps I shouldn't say it (at least not in that context) since I think I Said that already.
I'm going to do a seach for it after I Write it and see how accurate I can quote myself:
"There is a famous movie quote from 'The Good the Bad and the Ugly' where Tuco says 'If you work for a living, why do you kill yourself working?' and I think that applies to the way we as a society funciton."
Search inconclusive.
--So I guess I haven't said this yet even though it seems like I have. Maybe I'll proceed with that post after this one.
But what I wanted to write right at this time is that it seems like I've been repeating myself a lot lately. I am hung up on all these quotes and beliefs and ideas that circle around my head and I keep coming back to them. I think I use them as defining ideals of my life and why I'm stuck in the situation I'm stuck in.
What am I stuck in?
I am unhappy working a job for someone else and the package that comes with it. Actually, it started with being upset that I didn't have a place of my own to invite friends over and blaming that on why I didn't have close friends and why I had a lot of secrets.
Really it was that I was uncomfortable explaining my life decisions to people. Still am. And mostly that's because I don't know how to communicate it completely--it's still hanging over me and I don't have closure over it and I'm still making sense of it and until I have closure and a way to make sense of it I don't think I can explain it simply.
--Explaining it simply...that's really what everything in my brain comes down to. I repeat thoughts over and over and over trying to pick them apart until I can concisely say them in words and make sense of them.--that's what we all do to an extent, but I think my mind wraps around really complex things that are incredibly deep.
So back to the previous statement. I'm unhappy working for someone else not because of the someone else, per say, but because of the implicates that come with it. I don't like feeling ripped off, and that's how I feel. I feel as though I'm getting ripped off in so many way: I have to live a certain lifestyle that supports being away from home for 8+ hours a day. I have to lock myself into a living place close to my work otherwise I waste so much time. I have to solve new problems that I've already solved such as how to make friends in new places, how to not be bored. How to feel good about myself and manage stress from things I have no control about because my bosses have control over them.
I look at my whole situation and I think: I'm selling myself. I sell my energy, skills and time and I get back money, but I can't use that money right now because I don't have the time, or energy. What kind of joke is this? I had time and energy but no money and I was genuinely satisfied with that. What I wasn't satisfied with and I didn't reconcile with was whether I would be able to continue it in the future and I struggled with the feeling that society was looking down on me. . .
Whether I would be able to continue that, and whether society really was looking down on me is up for debate, but whether I have the time and energy now to spend my money, is not.
I definitely prefer that life over this one. This one I think will only be temporary and I need to get a different game plan in place...again.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Why I keep living
I think it keeps coming back to this...
Why do I keep living?
And the answer I keep coming up with is that I simply don't know.
I don't know and until I know why I keep living and can gauge (accurately) that whatever that is is no longer valid--then I guess I'll keep living.
Life is mundane. Life is repetitive and cyclical. At times it seems like all that happens year after year is that the name change, the players change, and we keep doing the same things.
There will always be an annoying presence in your life. There will always be a fearful presence in your life. There will always be something to make you mad--and you will be damn lucky if those things are less fierce than they were the previous year.
Maybe Buddhists are right: life is just one giant wheel that keeps spinning over and over--[though I disagree that it's anything to worship or change your life in any way to study or spiritualize it]
The hardest challenge I have come across in life isn't getting past the bullies, it isn't getting past being lonely, it isn't graduating or gaining confidence to interact with other people. The hardest thing I forsee for myself and for everyone is learning to be comfortable with who you are on the space-time continuum.
Who you are right here and right now.
That's what counts, and I guess sometimes I get frustrated because I'm lacking on one of those three (who, here, now). Most often I'm fine being who I am. Most often I'm okay with being here. But occasionally, I don't want to be right now. And maybe that's what my whole death vibe is--I don't want to be right now, even though I want to be who I am, and where I am.
I've psychoanalyzed this enough to know:
I do want to be a nice guy. I do want to have money and financial security. I do want to be healthy. I do want to be positive. I do want to be intelligent. I do want to be giving. I do want to be active. I wouldn't trade any of these good things away because I'm happy with the levels they are at.
I like where I am. I like having a job, I like having a place of my own. I like being able to drive a short ways to get access to all these camp sites and hiking spots and beautiful locations.
Yet, I don't want these things right now. I want them 10 years from now. I want them 5 years from now. I wanted them 5 years ago and 10 years ago but didn't realize that I would have to make tradeoffs for them. These tradeoffs would be fine if I had what I have right now Plus a little more. --greed--If I had more friends, mentors, proteges, comrades, a family, and I had more experiences on the outside of whatever category I fit in right now (Utahns? Westerners? Idk). If I had that, it would be different.
I guess looking at it this way puts it into perspective.
I'm free.
Financially, Mentally, Physically. Hell, I'm even emotionally free to feel however I want to feel whenever I Want to feel it whether positive or negative, because I know how to make an emotional choice about what I hold onto and what I let go of. --Not many people have this. Not many people are as free as I am, and I take it for granted because my freedom isn't challenged enough. People aren't constantly opressing me the way they should be--or at least the way they do with other people. They literally leave me alone and I complain about that. ...hmmm
Why do I keep living?
And the answer I keep coming up with is that I simply don't know.
I don't know and until I know why I keep living and can gauge (accurately) that whatever that is is no longer valid--then I guess I'll keep living.
Life is mundane. Life is repetitive and cyclical. At times it seems like all that happens year after year is that the name change, the players change, and we keep doing the same things.
There will always be an annoying presence in your life. There will always be a fearful presence in your life. There will always be something to make you mad--and you will be damn lucky if those things are less fierce than they were the previous year.
Maybe Buddhists are right: life is just one giant wheel that keeps spinning over and over--[though I disagree that it's anything to worship or change your life in any way to study or spiritualize it]
The hardest challenge I have come across in life isn't getting past the bullies, it isn't getting past being lonely, it isn't graduating or gaining confidence to interact with other people. The hardest thing I forsee for myself and for everyone is learning to be comfortable with who you are on the space-time continuum.
Who you are right here and right now.
That's what counts, and I guess sometimes I get frustrated because I'm lacking on one of those three (who, here, now). Most often I'm fine being who I am. Most often I'm okay with being here. But occasionally, I don't want to be right now. And maybe that's what my whole death vibe is--I don't want to be right now, even though I want to be who I am, and where I am.
I've psychoanalyzed this enough to know:
I do want to be a nice guy. I do want to have money and financial security. I do want to be healthy. I do want to be positive. I do want to be intelligent. I do want to be giving. I do want to be active. I wouldn't trade any of these good things away because I'm happy with the levels they are at.
I like where I am. I like having a job, I like having a place of my own. I like being able to drive a short ways to get access to all these camp sites and hiking spots and beautiful locations.
Yet, I don't want these things right now. I want them 10 years from now. I want them 5 years from now. I wanted them 5 years ago and 10 years ago but didn't realize that I would have to make tradeoffs for them. These tradeoffs would be fine if I had what I have right now Plus a little more. --greed--If I had more friends, mentors, proteges, comrades, a family, and I had more experiences on the outside of whatever category I fit in right now (Utahns? Westerners? Idk). If I had that, it would be different.
I guess looking at it this way puts it into perspective.
I'm free.
Financially, Mentally, Physically. Hell, I'm even emotionally free to feel however I want to feel whenever I Want to feel it whether positive or negative, because I know how to make an emotional choice about what I hold onto and what I let go of. --Not many people have this. Not many people are as free as I am, and I take it for granted because my freedom isn't challenged enough. People aren't constantly opressing me the way they should be--or at least the way they do with other people. They literally leave me alone and I complain about that. ...hmmm
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Depression is Nihlism is Life
I want to die most days.
That's what I've amounted to.
I wouldn't say I want to kill myself but I don't think it's all that easy to die.
My life has amounted to a cycle of what I call simply "living." I find things I enjoy and move towards them. I find things I don't like and I change them. And often times I don't like myself, so I change.
It has been a long, drug out process. I've become who I thought I wanted to be and slowly tweaked it over and over as I learned that I don't want to be that exactly. --It's the life of a perfectionist and I don't want to be a perfectionist.
I know a lot of things that I don't want to be and very few things that I want to be. I've found that there are many things that I can't change about myself and I've learned that part of life is accepting the things you can't change about yourself.--and that's unsettling to me.
I think if people really knew me. The full me. The one I have to live with every day, they would say that my biggest fault is that I'm a dreamer. I dream too much. I think too much, and that's the same thing really: creativity flows in many ways and for me it's easy. It's been a long time since I had "writers block"--I don't even think that's a thing anymore. I think you either have creativity or you don't--of which I have plenty--or you learn to trigger creativity --of which I must have learned the secret formula.
A lot of my life has been ruined by things I know. When people perform magic tricks, if I know the outcome I hate the process. People trying to deceive me--I hate that too because I know the outcome and usually know the process and I just have to sit through life and wait for it to play out. I'm very impatient and it's one of the many things that I try to accept about myself and try to change--but I've always been this way.
Let's shift gears for a moment:
I usually have a really hard time coming up with things that I want. I prefer to let things happen and react to them I guess, because the times when I worked for what I wanted I became jaded about them.
But what I've always wanted and never achieved is a family to come home to. Perhaps because I'm a hard headed asshole. Perhaps because I'm a jerk when I'm angry. Perhaps because I get clingy and needy. --Ya. Maybe it's that. But more likely its that I can't relate to anyone. I hate feeling superior and I'm sure others hate feeling inferior and in some ways I'm just superior. I hate that about myself. I hate that I'm naturally good and I hate that I know so much about so many things and I hate that I have so many fucking experiences that the average jerk on the street doesn't. I hate this shit because I know I'm sitting on potential. I know I'm sitting on wisdom from hard lessons, and I have no one who understands them. I have only me and I don't like myself.
I've hashed this over numerous times. I've written about relationships before. I've described the philosophy of them and how they should work. I've analyzed them and picked them apart and I still feel like somewhat of an expert on them--I know what people need to do to have good relationships and I know how to keep relationships. But that's not the point. I can keep any relationship if I just mix the right amount of avoidance and keep my mouth shut now and again. >>>The point is that I want a GOOD relationship. --And that's something I don't have full control over.
I tend to go through life collecting baggage. People see me as secure. They see me as stable (if they only knew) they see me as a dream because all they see is what's on the surface.
People want relationships with me. They want me in their life and with some people I treat them like shit and they still want me in their life. But I don't have healthy relationships. I don't have good relationships. I do my part 90% of the time and they do their part 10-50% of the time. Or maybe they do their part in the beginning but they get tired because it's a lot of work. I don't know, I'm not them, I'm just me.
I just care about people. I listen until I get stressed out and really need to say something and then I say it. I respect people and their decisions and opinions. But I know I'm different. I know my opinions are different and sometimes people can't handle those opinions and they can't respect me. I know some people can't talk and I have nothing to listen to and some people can't listen and I get frustrated. I know that some people have been damaged and they can't receive caring. And if you can't receive that then you can't be loved.
I know how to love and be loved. And it kills me inside. Loving is not human even though it's at the root of our nature. I say that because I mean that so few people know how to truly love. I want to be loved and respected.
I want to be loved and respected.
That's what I've amounted to.
I wouldn't say I want to kill myself but I don't think it's all that easy to die.
My life has amounted to a cycle of what I call simply "living." I find things I enjoy and move towards them. I find things I don't like and I change them. And often times I don't like myself, so I change.
It has been a long, drug out process. I've become who I thought I wanted to be and slowly tweaked it over and over as I learned that I don't want to be that exactly. --It's the life of a perfectionist and I don't want to be a perfectionist.
I know a lot of things that I don't want to be and very few things that I want to be. I've found that there are many things that I can't change about myself and I've learned that part of life is accepting the things you can't change about yourself.--and that's unsettling to me.
I think if people really knew me. The full me. The one I have to live with every day, they would say that my biggest fault is that I'm a dreamer. I dream too much. I think too much, and that's the same thing really: creativity flows in many ways and for me it's easy. It's been a long time since I had "writers block"--I don't even think that's a thing anymore. I think you either have creativity or you don't--of which I have plenty--or you learn to trigger creativity --of which I must have learned the secret formula.
A lot of my life has been ruined by things I know. When people perform magic tricks, if I know the outcome I hate the process. People trying to deceive me--I hate that too because I know the outcome and usually know the process and I just have to sit through life and wait for it to play out. I'm very impatient and it's one of the many things that I try to accept about myself and try to change--but I've always been this way.
Let's shift gears for a moment:
I usually have a really hard time coming up with things that I want. I prefer to let things happen and react to them I guess, because the times when I worked for what I wanted I became jaded about them.
But what I've always wanted and never achieved is a family to come home to. Perhaps because I'm a hard headed asshole. Perhaps because I'm a jerk when I'm angry. Perhaps because I get clingy and needy. --Ya. Maybe it's that. But more likely its that I can't relate to anyone. I hate feeling superior and I'm sure others hate feeling inferior and in some ways I'm just superior. I hate that about myself. I hate that I'm naturally good and I hate that I know so much about so many things and I hate that I have so many fucking experiences that the average jerk on the street doesn't. I hate this shit because I know I'm sitting on potential. I know I'm sitting on wisdom from hard lessons, and I have no one who understands them. I have only me and I don't like myself.
I've hashed this over numerous times. I've written about relationships before. I've described the philosophy of them and how they should work. I've analyzed them and picked them apart and I still feel like somewhat of an expert on them--I know what people need to do to have good relationships and I know how to keep relationships. But that's not the point. I can keep any relationship if I just mix the right amount of avoidance and keep my mouth shut now and again. >>>The point is that I want a GOOD relationship. --And that's something I don't have full control over.
I tend to go through life collecting baggage. People see me as secure. They see me as stable (if they only knew) they see me as a dream because all they see is what's on the surface.
People want relationships with me. They want me in their life and with some people I treat them like shit and they still want me in their life. But I don't have healthy relationships. I don't have good relationships. I do my part 90% of the time and they do their part 10-50% of the time. Or maybe they do their part in the beginning but they get tired because it's a lot of work. I don't know, I'm not them, I'm just me.
I just care about people. I listen until I get stressed out and really need to say something and then I say it. I respect people and their decisions and opinions. But I know I'm different. I know my opinions are different and sometimes people can't handle those opinions and they can't respect me. I know some people can't talk and I have nothing to listen to and some people can't listen and I get frustrated. I know that some people have been damaged and they can't receive caring. And if you can't receive that then you can't be loved.
I know how to love and be loved. And it kills me inside. Loving is not human even though it's at the root of our nature. I say that because I mean that so few people know how to truly love. I want to be loved and respected.
I want to be loved and respected.
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