Why I keep living

I think it keeps coming back to this...
Why do I keep living?

And the answer I keep coming up with is that I simply don't know.

I don't know and until I know why I keep living and can gauge (accurately) that whatever that is is no longer valid--then I guess I'll keep living.



Life is mundane. Life is repetitive and cyclical. At times it seems like all that happens year after year is that the name change, the players change, and we keep doing the same things.
There will always be an annoying presence in your life. There will always be a fearful presence in your life. There will always be something to make you mad--and you will be damn lucky if those things are less fierce than they were the previous year.

Maybe Buddhists are right: life is just one giant wheel that keeps spinning over and over--[though I disagree that it's anything to worship or change your life in any way to study or spiritualize it]

The hardest challenge I have come across in life isn't getting past the bullies, it isn't getting past being lonely, it isn't graduating or gaining confidence to interact with other people. The hardest thing I forsee for myself and for everyone is learning to be comfortable with who you are on the space-time continuum.

Who you are right here and right now. 

That's what counts, and I guess sometimes I get frustrated because I'm lacking on one of those three (who, here, now). Most often I'm fine being who I am. Most often I'm okay with being here. But occasionally, I don't want to be right now. And maybe that's what my whole death vibe is--I don't want to be right now, even though I want to be who I am, and where I am.

I've psychoanalyzed this enough to know:
I do want to be a nice guy. I do want to have money and financial security. I do want to be healthy. I do want to be positive. I do want to be intelligent. I do want to be giving. I do want to be active. I wouldn't trade any of these good things away because I'm happy with the levels they are at.

I like where I am. I like having a job, I like having a place of my own. I like being able to drive a short ways to get access to all these camp sites and hiking spots and beautiful locations.

Yet, I don't want these things right now. I want them 10 years from now. I want them 5 years from now. I wanted them 5 years ago and 10 years ago but didn't realize that I would have to make tradeoffs for them. These tradeoffs would be fine if I had what I have right now Plus a little more. --greed--If I had more friends, mentors, proteges, comrades, a family, and I had more experiences on the outside of whatever category I fit in right now (Utahns? Westerners? Idk). If I had that, it would be different.

I guess looking at it this way puts it into perspective.
I'm free.
Financially, Mentally, Physically. Hell, I'm even emotionally free to feel however I want to feel whenever I Want to feel it whether positive or negative, because I know how to make an emotional choice about what I hold onto and what I let go of. --Not many people have this. Not many people are as free as I am, and I take it for granted because my freedom isn't challenged enough. People aren't constantly opressing me the way they should be--or at least the way they do with other people. They literally leave me alone and I complain about that. ...hmmm