What I Want

I started podcasting this but stopped. I said all that needed to be said:

"My problem isn't that I don't have the tools, don't have the mindset, don't have the skills, don't have the drive, don't have the resources, don't have the creativity. My problem is that I don't see the future. I don't know what I want and therefore don't want it bad enough to go after it.
--Actually, I do know what I want and it's nothing I have control over because what I want is to have things happen out of my control that are exactly what I want. There are things I can do to take full control over it, but I don't want it to be forced and so I simply do not want to do it.

This is why Macbeth is my favorite Shakespeare play. Because it points out the problem of taking control over your destiny. He sees what he wants--he doesn't want it at first, but the weird sisters tell him that it's going to happen and when he sees the potential of it, that's when he realizes that he wants it. --I feel ya there! People have made it clear to me that it's possible, the thing that I want, and I'm very good at getting to my point of "Thane of Cawdor," and I can totally believe it. But then when I have the knife in my hand and I see my king lying right there, the whole rest of the story plays through my mind and torments me.

I don't want it to happen that way. I want it to happen naturally.

I know people who would kill to be in my situation. They would be Macbeth. They would be king for a time and they would die a king--just like macbeth. But I would not want that.