Repetition

I started to write an article and then realized that I probably said that already. It was very deja vu and I thought perhaps I shouldn't say it (at least not in that context) since I think I Said that already.

I'm going to do a seach for it after I Write it and see how accurate I can quote myself:

 

"There is a famous movie quote from 'The Good the Bad and the Ugly' where Tuco says 'If you work for a living, why do you kill yourself working?' and I think that applies to the way we as a society funciton."

Search inconclusive.

--So I guess I haven't said this yet even though it seems like I have. Maybe I'll proceed with that post after this one.

But what I wanted to write right at this time is that it seems like I've been repeating myself a lot lately. I am hung up on all these quotes and beliefs and ideas that circle around my head and I keep coming back to them. I think I use them as defining ideals of my life and why I'm stuck in the situation I'm stuck in.

What am I stuck in?

I am unhappy working a job for someone else and the package that comes with it. Actually, it started with being upset that I didn't have a place of my own to invite friends over and blaming that on why I didn't have close friends and why I had a lot of secrets. 

Really it was that I was uncomfortable explaining my life decisions to people. Still am. And mostly that's because I don't know how to communicate it completely--it's still hanging over me and I don't have closure over it and I'm still making sense of it and until I have closure and a way to make sense of it I don't think I can explain it simply.

--Explaining it simply...that's really what everything in my brain comes down to. I repeat thoughts over and over and over trying to pick them apart until I can concisely say them in words and make sense of them.--that's what we all do to an extent, but I think my mind wraps around really complex things that are incredibly deep. 

So back to the previous statement. I'm unhappy working for someone else not because of the someone else, per say, but because of the implicates that come with it. I don't like feeling ripped off, and that's how I feel. I feel as though I'm getting ripped off in so many way: I have to live a certain lifestyle that supports being away from home for 8+ hours a day. I have to lock myself into a living place close to my work otherwise I waste so much time. I have to solve new problems that I've already solved such as how to make friends in new places, how to not be bored. How to feel good about myself and manage stress from things I have no control about because my bosses have control over them. 

I look at my whole situation and I think: I'm selling myself. I sell my energy, skills and time and I get back money, but I can't use that money right now because I don't have the time, or energy. What kind of joke is this? I had time and energy but no money and I was genuinely satisfied with that. What I wasn't satisfied with and I didn't reconcile with was whether I would be able to continue it in the future and I struggled with the feeling that society was looking down on me. . .

Whether I would be able to continue that, and whether society really was looking down on me is up for debate, but whether I have the time and energy now to spend my money, is not. 

I definitely prefer that life over this one. This one I think will only be temporary and I need to get a different game plan in place...again.