I want to die most days.
That's what I've amounted to.
I wouldn't say I want to kill myself but I don't think it's all that easy to die.
My life has amounted to a cycle of what I call simply "living." I find things I enjoy and move towards them. I find things I don't like and I change them. And often times I don't like myself, so I change.
It has been a long, drug out process. I've become who I thought I wanted to be and slowly tweaked it over and over as I learned that I don't want to be that exactly. --It's the life of a perfectionist and I don't want to be a perfectionist.
I know a lot of things that I don't want to be and very few things that I want to be. I've found that there are many things that I can't change about myself and I've learned that part of life is accepting the things you can't change about yourself.--and that's unsettling to me.
I think if people really knew me. The full me. The one I have to live with every day, they would say that my biggest fault is that I'm a dreamer. I dream too much. I think too much, and that's the same thing really: creativity flows in many ways and for me it's easy. It's been a long time since I had "writers block"--I don't even think that's a thing anymore. I think you either have creativity or you don't--of which I have plenty--or you learn to trigger creativity --of which I must have learned the secret formula.
A lot of my life has been ruined by things I know. When people perform magic tricks, if I know the outcome I hate the process. People trying to deceive me--I hate that too because I know the outcome and usually know the process and I just have to sit through life and wait for it to play out. I'm very impatient and it's one of the many things that I try to accept about myself and try to change--but I've always been this way.
Let's shift gears for a moment:
I usually have a really hard time coming up with things that I want. I prefer to let things happen and react to them I guess, because the times when I worked for what I wanted I became jaded about them.
But what I've always wanted and never achieved is a family to come home to. Perhaps because I'm a hard headed asshole. Perhaps because I'm a jerk when I'm angry. Perhaps because I get clingy and needy. --Ya. Maybe it's that. But more likely its that I can't relate to anyone. I hate feeling superior and I'm sure others hate feeling inferior and in some ways I'm just superior. I hate that about myself. I hate that I'm naturally good and I hate that I know so much about so many things and I hate that I have so many fucking experiences that the average jerk on the street doesn't. I hate this shit because I know I'm sitting on potential. I know I'm sitting on wisdom from hard lessons, and I have no one who understands them. I have only me and I don't like myself.
I've hashed this over numerous times. I've written about relationships before. I've described the philosophy of them and how they should work. I've analyzed them and picked them apart and I still feel like somewhat of an expert on them--I know what people need to do to have good relationships and I know how to keep relationships. But that's not the point. I can keep any relationship if I just mix the right amount of avoidance and keep my mouth shut now and again. >>>The point is that I want a GOOD relationship. --And that's something I don't have full control over.
I tend to go through life collecting baggage. People see me as secure. They see me as stable (if they only knew) they see me as a dream because all they see is what's on the surface.
People want relationships with me. They want me in their life and with some people I treat them like shit and they still want me in their life. But I don't have healthy relationships. I don't have good relationships. I do my part 90% of the time and they do their part 10-50% of the time. Or maybe they do their part in the beginning but they get tired because it's a lot of work. I don't know, I'm not them, I'm just me.
I just care about people. I listen until I get stressed out and really need to say something and then I say it. I respect people and their decisions and opinions. But I know I'm different. I know my opinions are different and sometimes people can't handle those opinions and they can't respect me. I know some people can't talk and I have nothing to listen to and some people can't listen and I get frustrated. I know that some people have been damaged and they can't receive caring. And if you can't receive that then you can't be loved.
I know how to love and be loved. And it kills me inside. Loving is not human even though it's at the root of our nature. I say that because I mean that so few people know how to truly love. I want to be loved and respected.
I want to be loved and respected.
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