PART 2: Other Valuables that come with Love

I hope you didn't think I would leave Love to its simple fate and dismiss it!

I actually think there is a lot of value in the other things that we call Love--Just I think we need to expand our use of language about these things and focus on the right things.

--Thanks for being a loyal reader, let me do some of the heavy lifting and explain away these other things that poets and philosophers call love:

1- Pure Love - A permanent, caring interest in another person's life and their success.
2- Equality - Treating another person as an equal, or the belief that one's self is another's equal.
3- Emotions - Positive emotions triggered by another that motivate someone to shape their own life.
*4- Selflessness - Motivation to put another person ahead of one's self.
*5- Connection- [Two parts:] Mental - Curious desire to understand and learn more about another. Emotional - Curious desire to experience things with another person.
*6- Passion & Lust - Desire to live through a fantasy with another person.


Explanation:

1- I've already touched on pure love. --This is what I think we should call "love" because when you take everything else away, this is what you are left with is the sincere interest in the other person. The rest of these associations with love often come along with this kind of love.

2- Some people are attracted to the feelings associated with being an equal with another person. We like to be around equals because it enforces our beliefs, values, and lifestyle (our choices). When we feel we have found someone who is our equal on some level, we are attached to having them around us and we start to feed off of them.

3- Any relationship will trigger emotions; but when the majority of the emotions that another person triggers in us are appealing to us, we start to desire to have that person around more often. When excitement is triggered in us, it means that our subconscious is expecting something positive to happen and for us to be prepared for it. When desire is triggered, our subconscious is urging us to reach out and strive for the thing we desire.


The latter three associations people make with love, in my opinion, are branches from the original three.

4- Selflessness comes about after we possess a caring interest in another person and want them to succeed. We put ourselves on the line because we want the other person to live on and to reach what they are searching for, whether it's happiness or some other success.

5- Connection comes from desiring to be an equal with someone else. --Let me be clear, there is no way you can really be an equal with another person--we're too different and we are shaped differently. The influence that someone has on you merely shapes you in a new direction, it doesn't replicate itself into you because you still have to interpret and internalize it for yourself.

6- Passion and Lust come from emotions you feel. Sometimes your conscious and subconscious dream up a fantasy between yourself and another person--often times this is physical, but it can apply to anything emotional or mental as well. Once you have a dream and you see the possibility of it coming true, then it starts to become a passion as you work for it. It becomes a lust when it occupies your mind a majority of the time or is capable of putting you out of your thoughts because it is so overwhelming.



Selflessness makes for a better world.
Connection makes for a better world.
Passion makes for a better world.

I'd say these are all GREAT things! Emotions are good, Equality is good, and love is good.

Keep love simple.
Start using the correct terms please--people will understand you better and they'll probably be more likely to give you what you want the more direct you are with them.


PART 3: Coming Soon!

"Blame will not stop me from getting back up" an Essay by K. Oakes

I've been dealing with some strange arguments lately and it has made me depressed. I tend to be a very thought-oriented individual and sometimes I think myself into a mentally "dangerous" situation. I think myself into a situation where I can't figure things out and can't be comfortable with life until I can resolve these arguments that I stumble into.--Yes, yes, it's extreme, but what I do lose hope and become depressed, I know why I am depressed and because I think, I am better able to pull myself out of depression. I am alive, I understand my own humanity and I don't need medication to deal with it, I don't need a therapist, I just need myself and some time to think through these strange arguments and to hear some other arguments that help me think my way out of them. 

I watched this film today and I think my depression is over.  Life makes sense to me now, again:

I watched the above film "The High Cost of Living (2010)" and it brought my mind back to an argument I am still attempting to debate. The argument is this: "It does not matter whose fault it is, what matters is where you go from here."

It seems to me that people put a huge emphasis on finding whose fault something is and then making them pay. We raise our kids to think that if the neighbor harmed us we need to harm them back, or make them fess up to it, or make them pay for it.--If they break a window on your house by accident, they need to work and earn the money to pay you back; if your boyfriend has sex with someone else then they have problems and you should leave them; if you hit someone with your car, you need to make it up to them and go to prison.--I think this is stupid.

Our society is way too preoccupied with whose fault it is and that makes it more difficult for us to be comfortable with our human condition. Really the issue comes down to that we've been trained into thinking in fault-finding--blame Plato/Socrates for that because it's his fault we got here! He introduced us to the concept of real truth, rather than sophist truth/democratic truth, and argued that it was superior to sophist truth. When you have the concept of objective truth, then you can have the concept of blame and be somewhat fair about it.--Only problem is that we almost never have the real truth and even when we do, the truth becomes irrelevant because it is fact and doesn't associate blame or fault any more than it associates justification or rightness.

I propose a better way, and it stems from my religious beliefs. No, I'm not a Christian or a Jew or a Muslim or a Buddhist, and I'm not an agnostic. I'm Atheist--Atheist in the Greek sense, so if you want to call me Greek Atheist, fine.--but the term is generalized. I don't believe in God or Gods but I believe Religion brings down our society when it should be lifting us up, so I oppose religion. Do I think all religion is "bad"? No. Do I believe people are bad? No. My real religion is Love. --And I've seen Religion oppose Love often enough to believe that religion leads to the opposite of Love, and anything that opposes what I believe in, I oppose--up until it can stand out of the way of my beliefs. If religion can find a way to be passive and not affect Love, then I would support it, but sometimes it doesn't, and when it doesn't then I am Greek Atheist.

I already wrote an article on Love, so I'm not going to go into detail about that here, but whenever you start to blame others you start to hinder love. You hold back people that you care about. Worse, you hurt people who are trying to Love or trying to be Loved! Those people, over time, become bitter and have a harder time loving others or being loved by others. How scary is that? If to love is to have someone care about you, then what happens when you get bitter and have a hard time caring about other people--you go crazy. You go sociopathic, you go really really really nihilistic and then you end up like any of these kids out there these days who go homicidal and then suicidal. --PLEASE don't hurt people who are trying to Love or be Loved because  it leads them down a dark path and society is paying the debt every time one of these kids loses hope and takes out a bunch of people with him or her.


The strange argument that was bringing me down is simple, and in essence, it IS the Human Condition. It is the desire for purpose, it is the unquenchable curiosity, it is the fear of death and the inevitable isolation.


But you've gotta get back up.
I've picked this video because it's a new, unheard song by Eminem mixed with a popular video game. This was very intentional and very specific. It would seem that Eminem is the patron saint of nerds, geeks, and kids who've been picked on, feel different, and feel like they aren't loved. And have you seen how many of these kids play video games to escape, especially shooters?

Let me explain the argument I was battling with, because it all ties back to blame, and I think everyone could benefit from understanding this argument.

First, I had the question: What is the point of life? If I know how to be happy, if I know how to connect with others, if I know how to find answers to my questions because I know how to think, then what is the purpose of life if eventually I'll always be forced into isolation? Why do I fight on? Why do I keep making new friends when eventually they fade away, why do I put up with other people's annoying behavior, why do I try to help people, and most of all, why do I Love? It's easier to hate, it's easier to live a life of bitterness. It's easier to be completely independent of people--to fade away into the blackness, to venture out into the wilderness and never come back. It's easier to give up on life and to express yourself in a way so that people understand that they hurt you. It's SO much easier to blame others for all of your problems. To blame them for hurting you--because shit, they have hurt you! --So why fight on, why keep going in life? What's the point? Why am I beating myself up?


Asking that question is like asking: Why do I refuse to give up?


--And we all have to find our own answer to that question because it all depends on what you are doing. Ultimately, the answer comes down to: "...Because what I want is that important."--And yes, it IS subjective. This whole world comes down to the subjective answer you give to the question "Why Do I refuse to give up?" Because what I want is THAT important.

But before you can make the jump from asking the question, to realizing the answer, you have to come to the realization of exactly WHAT you want.--I know what I want. I've thought it out often enough at least that I ought to know what I want.--But this last little while I didn't really understand what I want. It isn't that I want to be at peace and happy, and that's why I was so upset about this strange argument. Because What's the point if all I want is to be at peace and happy?

Then, I hit a standstill in my argument, because eventually, I'll die and it'll be over with, so why am I not comfortable with dying now? Why am I not completely comfortable with my fear of death? What is it that made me panic so much when I was swimming across the lake? What is it that prevents me from giving myself away to the military to use my life to protect my ideals--I even thought, maybe I could go to another country and fight for their wars, because war isn't a matter of patriotism, it's a matter of ideals and there are a few wars that I support even though they have little to do with the U.S. --Again, why do I fight? Why have I fought this far?-- WHAT have I been fighting for?

And I think from watching that film I finally have an answer to that question:
I keep going because I have a dream that the world doesn't have to be this way. I'm not the ass I used to be because I don't want to spread anti-love, I don't want to blame people anymore because I've been wrongly blamed before and it took me a long time to get better from that and I've been rightly blamed before and it didn't help anything, it was just as bad as when I was wrongly blamed. I refuse to give up being a nice guy because I dread the thought of a world where all the nice guys give up hope. I refuse to stop helping people, even when I'm drained and I just want to go home, because I live in a world where sometimes people refuse to help and a lot of bad things happen because of it. People lose hope, they go on their own personal jihad or crusade, they go completely crazy because the arguments take them over and no one has trained them on how to deal with the arguments.

I'm fighting a war every day. The war I fight is in favor of Love. It is so that there will be one less kid who takes his life and the life of others. It is so that we can all have real peace and we can all be happy. I refuse to give up because I am still fighting for a better world, one in which people don't live in fear of being rejected, one in which we keep moving forward and nothing holds us back, one in which there is always support out there for people who need it. I'm fighting for a world where we stop focusing on blame and fault, because the more I learn about blame and fault, the more I realize it's contrary to everything I believe in and fight for.

Why do we punish people for mistakes? Why do we punish people for intentional acts? Either way, we have to live with the outcome. Why make enemies when you can make friends? Why not enlist their help in fixing this rather than turning them into an enemy?

I know the answer to these questions: It's because we think our human condition is going to be resolved if we have a scapegoat. We think that if we're in the right and they're in the wrong that we're going to find closure. --But you don't find closure from that. You find closure in another way.

So what your girlfriend cheated on you, can't you see that she isn't getting some of her needs met by you? So what if people are rude to you, can't you see that they have problems and that when you are rude back that you're makign their problems worse and you're not making them want to be nice to you.

This is why I fight. Because I believe in a better world than this. I believe it is possible. I believe it is feasible. I believe that my actions make a difference, and I for one refuse to give up until I can see that world. No matter how hard people make it for me. We, who believe in this better world, will not give up.


I hope some day you can join us and the world will live as one.

"The Spectacular Now (2013)" -- A Must See film for this summer.

10/10 Rating.

This is possibly the best movie I've seen all year.

It was an independent film that got picked up for limited release at Sundance in Sept 2013.

All of the characters are very real, the acting is amazing (both of the principle actors went on to bigger roles). It is incredibly easy to get sucked into this movie because the characters are so lovable and the actors do a perfect job of portraying them--I am persuaded to think that the actors lives simply MUST have been very similar to these characters because they are so perfect for the roles.

The story is hearty. Initially, I thought this would be a cheesy love story that I would watch at home alone when I was bored out of my mind, but the story is actually about something bigger--it touches on all aspects of the human condition.

The only drawback to this story is that it is a high school film written for a mature audience. If you give it the leeway to be what it is--a film about high school students senior year--and you don't judge the characters for being young, stupid, and innocent, you realize the film applies to all ages of life.

The ending is very positive. Watch this film. It's on Amazon Prime right now, but if you don't have the account I definitely recommend you rent it because this is a must see for this summer. Watch it alone or with someone, but be prepared to take it seriously and allow yourself to get attached to it.

PART 1: What is Love? Passion, Feelings, Connection,Selflessness, Friendship--All are Explored!

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" -- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet
Inversely, just because you call it a rose does not mean it is a rose. Plato seemed to be arguing this when he described Truth as what is actually there rather than what the majority of people think is truth.

PART1: What is Love?


People over-complicate Love. They call things that aren't love, "love;" and they call things that are love by different names. Love really isn't that difficult to understand, and so I've provided a lovely definition below which I would love for nay-sayers to argue with me over and tell me I'm wrong so that I have opportunity to further argue why I'm right. As well, I decided to debunk a few of Love's mysteries here--the things that people claim is love but really isn't--You know...Lust, Friendship, Good Feelings, Connection, or the desire to be Selfless.

Love is a permanent, helpful interest in another living organism. 

A) It is an Interest in that it is a concern for the other; desire to know about, hear news of, and be involved in the life of the other.

B) It is Helpful in that it is a positive desire to benefit the other person.

C) It is Permanent in that it can never go away once you have it.

If you don't have all three, then it isn't love, because the policeman might have an interest in what you are doing and be helpful to your cause, but he doesn't love you. Your enemies might have a permanent interest in you but not want to be helpful. Charity groups can be permanent and helpful (they will always help you), and yet not really take an interest in you or keep track of you, but that does not mean they love you.

1 - Love is not Passion--those intense emotions that lure you in and instill desire within you for the other person, or the fantasies you want to act out--those are Passion and not Love. The word Passion should be used instead of Love when describing this sensation.

2 - Love is not a Feeling. Excitement is a feeling, Suspense is a feeling, Confusion is a feeling, Worry is a feeling, but Love is not a feeling. "You are Excited to see her," not, "you are Loved when you see her;" when you confuse Love with emotions you sound like a little child who is incapable of describing how he or she feels because it is a new feeling for him or her.

3 - Love is not a deep Connection. When two people love each other, they might be on "separate pages." Their motivations, goals, and aspirations might be very different and the direction they are headed in life might be completely polar and yet they can still love each other. You don't often understand the people you love, in fact it is rare and difficult to really understand and empathize with those you love.

4 - Love is not Selflessness. Being charitable and giving of yourself doesn't mean you are in love--it means you are a giving person. Being selfless and sacrificing yourself for other people does not mean you love them--how many soldiers throughout history have died sacrificing themselves for a country they were disillusioned by? How many soldiers loved every person in their country--even the ones they hated? No, Love and selflessness are two different things.

5 - Love is not friendship. You can love people who you are not on speaking terms with. You can love people who do not care for you back. You may not consider yourself an equal to those who you love. What parent sees their young children as completely equal to them--and yet parents love their children.

Instead, Love produces Friendship, Love motivates Selflessness, Love establishes Connection, Love triggers all sorts of Feelings, and Lust is heightened by Love. Yet, you can be any of these things without love because they are different; that is all, and Love is no guarantee that you will have these five things.

When you love someone, you want them to succeed at life, you want them to be happy, you want them to make it, and even when you go your separate ways, you still care about their success and happiness and you still want them to make it.

Don't make Love complicated when it is such a simple thing--A permanent, helpful interest in another living organism.

PART2: Other Benefits that come from Love


The problem I see is that there are plenty of people "Searching for Love" when really they should be searching for something else (friendship, good feelings, selfless people, passion, or a connection); and there are people who are searching for something else when they should be searching for Love. THAT is why I wrote this article. 

"No Turning Back" is a mental game

This afternoon a friend of mine and I decided to go to a popular lake in Utah for cliff diving. We opted out of bringing our kayaks or tubes or any flotation devices and agreed to swim to the jumping rock across the lake.
I think I'm a good swimmer--I enjoy swimming and I practice swimming at every opportunity--but I've never swam across a deep lake like this before.

The water was cold--it's just barely June and I bet the water is around sixty degrees. There was a light breeze making only 1' swells, so not too bad. The distance to the other side was 500ft.

My friend was initially timid about getting in the water because of the temperature, so I slowly eased myself in and urged him to get in as well. Finally, I pushed off the shore and he jumped in after me--apparently he didn't want to get left behind. Seeing him in the water with me urged me forward and we cleared the first 200 feet in a very short time. I felt pumped up, I was really doing it!

Around the half-way mark I started to lose steam. We saw a rowboat and two kayaks go by and my friend called to them half-serious half-joking to see if they would lend us some help. Instead, the couple in the kayak said, "Nope," laughed and went skiffing on by. I tried to throw my emotions aside but somehow that got to me. Here I was, halfway in the middle of the lake, to go back would be just as hard as to go forward, so the decision was obvious to go forward. I saw my friend and could tell that he too was tired and that this was more challenging than we thought it would be, and the thought crossed my mind of: what if we don't make it?

As a toddler I took early swimming lessons and drowned--only time I've made it into a newspaper actually. It took me a long time and my parents' prodding to get me over that fear. That being said, if someone told me that there were still aspects of that that lingered in my sub-conscious, I'd believe them.

I continued, changed my swimming pattern to a more buoyant one so I could push forward, and a part of my mind switched from "what if we don't make it," to, "what if I don't make it?" Sadly, in a situation like that you have to be sensible and save yourself rather than lose both of you. I stopped watching my friend (I was in front of him doing back strokes) and focused on just making it to the other side.

Obviously, I made it to the other side since I'm here to tell the story. Upon turning around after thinking I had doubled my distance, I saw the rock and my energy renewed for me to make the rest of the distance. 500ft isn't even a half mile. People swim a full mile all the time. I could probably swim a full mile in a public pool though I've never tried--but should! When I made it to the shore I can remember not being tired--it wasn't the physical strain that worried me.

We took our shirts off, set them out to dry and went hiking around the rock to keep warm--again, I use this as evidence that I wasn't tired. Possibly out of breath, but that's because I need to work on my breathing, and as my MMA Sensei taught me: "You control your breathing, your breathing doesn't control you," so my gasping for air is irrelevant.

I would like to think I'm a hero, but I know I'm just an average joe that tries to do outstanding things and sometimes actually does them. When we got to the rock I was still scared--that's all any of this was, was fear--and so I didn't actually jump back in the water. In fact, we both resorted to seeking the help of a more friendly individual who ferried us across the lake--Thank you, Dan, and anyone else out there like you!

When we got back to our truck and were safe, I had had time to think about this whole ordeal. I've never had an experience like this before but I recall reading about John Muir's experiences that were similar to this. Muir would constantly get into situations where he was faced with life or death and he chose to carry on with life and then after reflecting about the experience he learned more about life in that moment--about himself, and about god (he believed in an omnipotent being)--than at any other time in his life.

The big thing that I learned from this experience is that fear is very powerful and real. I went from being pumped up to having thoughts in the back of my mind telling me to just give up and quit. Yes, I was pushing myself to do something I had never done before, but when I set out to do it the thought never crossed my mind that it would be that difficult. I didn't take into account that I would lose motivation right in the very center--at the longest point to either shore. I didn't take into consideration that if I really did need assistance no one was going to give it. I also didn't consider that seeing my friend's pace slow would affect my own pace.
This whole experience was more of a mental game than anything. I've never had such an overwhelming mental experience like this before that I can remember. I'm glad this experience has happened to me because I walk away knowing more about myself and about people in general, and next time I'm going to come prepared.

My friend and I have committed to make the swim again in the future--only with a few more safety precautions--though there is a more important commitment that I need to make. The next time I face a mental battle with fear or doubt or "I can't," I'm going to remember this day. I'm going to remember that no one was going to rescue me if I didn't make it. I'm going to remember that I had the physical abilities within me to make it through to the end--and I knew this going into the situation. Lastly, I'm going to remember that fear is very real and powerful enough to cripple anyone, and so the next time I see someone going at something like it's life or death or like it's their one true passion--I'm going to be more human and I'm going to cheer for them, root for them, and if they need me I'm going to help them, because humans are powerful beings--they just don't know it because they're crippled by fear. #embracehumanity



[sadly, my biggest regret of the day was not bringing my GoPro with me--it was in the truck the whole time!]

Marriage, Me

Over the weekend I assisted my immediate family (brother and sister and parents and their spouses) in renovations to a lake house my grandfather had built 30-40 years ago. During this trip, we stopped at my Grandfather's house in Blackfoot, ID to visit with him briefly. Both he and my Sister-in-law conversed with me about being a Mormon and getting married. I avoided the topic.

For those of you who know me, personally, you know that I've been engaged 3 times and I have in my possession a ring. You may even know that growing up I intended to marry and some of you may know I intended to have a Mormon temple marriage. Now, I have no intentions of such a marriage. 

Of my three engagements, all three young women abandoned me. The first didn't call off our engagement, but she ceased communication with me after I told her I thought we weren't ready and needed to take some more time before we officially married--I don't know what happened to her. The second left me because she thought I wasn't conducive to the lifestyle she wanted--I don't wish to talk about the matter of her because it was too twisted for me to make an official statement about right now. The third ended our engagement for reasons unknown--she told me that she didn't want to have to push me to go to the temple with her and I assume she expected to marry a perfect Mormon--Had she been my first fiancee rather than my third I think she would have been more than happy with me, but I'm no Mormon. I should hope that my readers believe I am better than that now. 

I have a terrible time confronting my family about this, mainly for three reasons: because I don't see it as any of their business whether I am a mormon or not--I don't think I should have to give them a reason for my decisions; I have already investigated their arguments and don't see them as valid; and because my official statement on the matter is too persuasive and not subject to interpretation--you may disagree with me. 

But now that I have spent the last few hours contemplating this and other things, I think I will address them--though, I'm not going to address them, (I'm going to address the world and whether my immediate family reads this or not, oh well), I'm going to address the comments (the weak arguments). Perhaps this will give me the courage to confront them (the people) in person, however I would rather the people around me maintain their innocence until they venture into the right questions--if they want to know, I'd be happy to help them explore, but if not, I'm not too concerned. 

Marriage and Me. 

To me, marriage is a commitment to share a lifestyle with another individual and to preserve established power. Nothing more.

I find people's claims to be silly who say that they married out of love--if you loved each other then you wouldn't need to prove it to them--or to society, for that matter. I interpret such people as insecure in their love--they fear that their beloved will leave them so they insist on marrying them to make sure that leaving would be difficult for them. --I'll have none of that. I have found that the best relationships exist without any pressure to hold them together. Without pressure holding them together both parties are willingly in it together. 

And for those who say that marriage is for children. Fie on them. They think they marry so that they have someone to share the responsibility with, but anymore, society will force you to share the burden of raising your children. Legally, whether you are married or not you will have to pay child support. Socially, if you are known as a deadbeat mom or deadbeat dad you get stifled and stigmatized. On the other hand, it doesn't take a marriage for you to be a good parent. Statistics on the subject are vague--don't believe what scientists are claiming until you check out their experiments because the statistics I have seen aren't testing the right hypothesis' in their research. Children benefit when the parents aren't always in conflict, they benefit when they are informed and have good relationships with both parents. To say that you should only have kids with your spouse doesn't address the real issue: rather, you should only have kids with a mature adult who will respect you even when they disagree with you and who has the courage and enough life responsibility to want to form a relationship with their children--whether they are married to you or not. 

Do I need to bring up marrying into wealth? It's irresponsible to think you can marry for a golden ticket in life. Everyone these days seems to know this so I'm not going to address it. Can you see why I wouldn't want to marry just anyone--me with my familial connections to wealth, my own acquired wealth, and my continual income. I see no reason to marry into wealth myself and no reason to give up my wealth either at this point in my life.

Legally, marriage is the union of two people to combine everything they own. It is how we combine property without having to gift it or pay some kind of taxes on it. If you want to talk about the supreme method for getting around death taxes let me fill you in on a little secret: Have your elderly grandparent marry an individual on his or her deathbed. After they die, have that individual then marry you (in some states gay marriage IS legal, so this works for any scenario now). Viola!~ You obtain possession of everything your grandparent owned and you didn't have to pay taxes on it. If you didn't want to stay married to that individual, you could have them write a prenup deeding you everything at a divorce, then divorce them after paying them off at a rate of anything less than 50% (because death tax is at or greater than 50%). Stupid. Society is Stupid. 

Back to what I see marriage as: 1) sharing a lifestyle 2) preserving power (ie. wealth, social status, family secrets, etc.) I think the above paragraph addresses part 2. 

Marriage is sharing a lifestyle. Since society is so confining on what they expect out of a married couple and what benefits they will provide them (how about taxes?), I simply have to conclude that marriage is about sharing a lifestyle. You get married to obtain or preserve a certain lifestyle. The person you marry should share common traditions and values (a jewish family typically marries a jewish family and preserves traditions, mormons marry mormons and preserve mormon traditions and values), wealth (upper class individuals marry others from the upper class, lower class people marry the lower class, etc), people even marry other people who share common interests (drag racing families marry other drag racing families, cowboys marry cowgirls and boys, hunters marry gun toting or at least supportive individuals, etc). 

So it comes down to this: 

Where the hell am I going to find someone else who wants to share my lifestyle? Where the hell am I going to find someone who I can trust to preserve my own heritage of power? 

My power comes from the present--what I earn through communicating with friends and family, and at this time, I can't pass that on. I'm also not independently wealthy--I can support myself and I'm saving up for the future, but not enough to really interest anyone on account of my wealth. At the rate I am going, I can expect to live a happy life and then die, leaving no buried treasure chests. 

And my lifestyle?

My lifestyle is a life of work and thought. My vacations are work--I go camping, I go outdoors and expend all my energy, I get exhausted. I enjoy working on a garden, working on a cabin in the mountains. It would seem I work a day job just so I have the money and freedom of working a part-time business that I enjoy. I work to build a fire, pitch a tent, haul my ass off, do things the hard way, and hit the pillow on the weekends sore and exhausted. --I love this kind of life. I cram into the back of a stuffed car, I get into situations with family and friends where I pile on responsibility to perform, and when I help my friends and family it could be said that I am put out. --You could say my whole life I'm put out; but no. I don't say that. I enjoy when people need my help digging a trench, need me to tend their animals, need me to waste my time listening to their sob stories. 

I enjoy simple things--we're talking really simple things--we're talking that 15 min break I took after laying flooring and baseboard and then sneaking off to take a nap on the porch away from everyone else who was still working and I was lounging in the sun. I would say I earned that break, though most people take vacations so they can spend an extra 40 hours on break. To lounge around for 40 hours and not have responsibilities and not work. Fuck 'em. 

When you cut society down into four criteria: female, self-confident and comfortable and attractive (I lump this together because people who are self-confident make themselves attractive), loves to work and waste time and expend energy and not relax for too long and live like a cave woman and work some more and get yelled at and be fine with everything and be under stress and work, and then you throw on: will marry for free--you get a very small number of people.How many people want this? How many people would want to marry me solely because they wanted to share the exciting life I live? To most people my life doesn't sound exciting. --interesting? perhaps. But exciting? Now, perhaps you know someone who meets 3 of these categories, now ask them if they'd put up with it knowing the only thing they stood to gain from it was what they gained from my relationship with them. None so far. 

I mentioned in the beginning 3 reasons, one for each person, why I'm not married right now. I suppose you could sum it up like this: the first, when I told her that we were too young and needed to work at our relationship more before getting married--she ran at the sight of this lifestyle! The second, clearly, didn't want this lifestyle, it was too much work for her and she wanted a life with more leisure. The third? She didn't want to work either--because in her mind she thought getting me to be a Mormon would take a lot of work.

--I'm sure this comes across as over simplification, but if I told you the real background of these individuals you would be persuaded that it really does come down to lifestyle differences.

When I have spare time that I'm not working for a living, I spend it working for pleasure. I get pleasure and satisfaction from working on projects that I want to work on. When I'm not working for pleasure, I'm doing things that require high energy, strength, endurance, and a little bit of fearlessness. 

When my relatives or my acquaintances ask my why I'm not married yet, or when I am going to get married, it puts me in an awkward situation, just like if someone asked me, "why aren't you a millionaire yet?" or "When are you going to vacation in Europe?"--I don't have any present plans to vacation in Europe, nor do I care to become a millionaire, nor do I plan on getting married at this time. I know no one other than myself who enjoys the lifestyle I live--that's why I live it and no one else does...

Weird. 

Quality: A Definition

I kind of did this already and didn't think much of it when I did it, but I have been reading The Zen Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig and he devotes a few chapters to exploring this topic.--I'm not quite finished with the book, so his argument may persuade me to change my opinion however, let me refer back to the article I wrote just over a year ago: The Quantity of Life



Pirsig poses the question: What is the definition of Quality? How would you define quality?

Pirsig's argument is that there really isn't a way to define quality because the act of defining something is a technical ("classic") approach and the term quality is "romantic" by nature. I was tripped up by this at first: it really is difficult to define quality. --It's easy to make a comparison (this is better than this because of this) but to define quality without already having something in front of you to compare it to is incredibly difficult.

However, in my previous article (which I now remember and am MIFFED! that no one wanted to let me publish it in my college's tabloid), I haphazardly explained quality by opposing it to quantity. In other words, I essentially said what Pirsig said: there is a technical/classical approach where you break things down into component parts and their functions and how they compare to one another, and there is a romanticized approach where you give something an indeterminate value merely by stating it as such. I was speaking of verbs not nouns but now I will attempt to adjust my definitions:

Here is what I wrote: "'To quantify' and idea means to turn that idea into a measurable number value, whereas 'to qualify' an idea means to turn that idea into something competent and authoritative."

To turn them into nouns I would say (starting with the easy one) Quantity is a measurable amount of something that establishes its value. Quality is an immeasurable aspect of something that establishes its value.

Let me make this simple to understand: Quality is established by our own individual tastes and preferences--we establish rules and codes that we understand and we may not have a valid argument to back up our claims regarding it, but by being the first, or by already being predisposed to something--shall we say developing an acquired taste for it--we are thereby able to put it on a pedestal and compare other like-things to it.
Beauty is a field of quality and..."beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

There are parts of the universe that are inherently chaotic, and I think quality is our human approach to understanding that chaos. Eventually, you have to settle on one thing and be happy with that one thing and forevermore declare that it is of the highest quality, because otherwise you'll go mad trying to make sense of it (as Pirsig points out in his book).

I think this is a good topic to explore further, but this is all I want to write about for now.

Future notes for myself:
Quality as it applies to being happy with life the way it is
Aspects of the Universe that are inherently chaotic
"Predisposition" is not born, it's trained


---Ugh...I'm only writing this because I started writing a book and have that bizarre urge to do anything and everything except write.