Chats with Courtney: Our Selfish Pursuit of Relationships

"Courtney" read my previous article with her in it and she was impressed and wanted to have another go at it, so she called to chat for a while and then I rewrote it and edited out the parts i didnt like--sorry, its not word-for-word, but its basically the same, and she approved of the final draft!

Courtney: What do you want to talk about?
Kyle: I want to hear your opinion on friendship--what do you think most people think about it?--basically, anything you can tell me about it.
C: wow, I didn't think you would put me on the spot like this; I was expecting something easy.
K: Don't worry, friend, you are the smartest woman I know, if you don't know what to say then it was a dumb question for me to have asked.
C: Ok. Well, I think people think friendship is highly desirable. --I've read your blog, I know what you say about love--well, I think that love is crucial for friendship, but maybe not necessary. What was it you said was love again?
K: Love is when you have a sincere interest in someone else's future--whether you are a part of it or not, you want them to succeed at whatever they devote their life to.
C: Right! So maybe that's what makes a best friend: someone who loves you and still sticks around.
K: So friendship is sticking around?
C: ...Maybe--Yes, that's what it is.
K: --And in your opinion most people desire friendship above many other things?
C: Absolutely. People talk about it all the time.--they tell you to marry your friend, that good friends are hard to come by, and everybody brags about how ideal their friendships are.
K: Interesting. Let me just relay everything back to you that you told me: Friendship is sticking around, and the best friendships are those where there is an aspect of sincere interest in the future of both people?
C: Sounds good. Are we done?
K: No, because I'm not satisfied.
C: About what?
K: Why do people ever leave? Doesn't that make them a bad friend?
C: Of course. But people don't care about whether they are a bad friend, just that they have good friends.
K: Isn't that a tad bit...selfish?
C: Yes, but everyone is that way.
K: Are you that way?
C: Of course--why do you think I asked to do this blog with you!--I want to be famous, I want to be heard, and you make me feel like my opinion matters.--Just kidding, don't write that (I did anyway!)
K: The Truth comes out!
C: --I tried to tell you this a few weeks ago when I said that you were "too helpful--" you're available for everyone, you care about people and you have a way of making people feel like you're interested in them.
K: Well, I am interested in them.
C: You definitely have the "sincerity" part down.--You are the ideal friend.
K: Now you're pushing the envelope, I'm trying to be serious!
C: Well, I AM being serious
K: Okay then, How do you know that I'm "the ideal friend?"
C: I just said it: You're smart, you're funny, you're available, you're a good listener and you're sincere, I can tell that you care--
K: --but how do you know if anyone else is?
C: You can tell--there's like a vibe that you get from people.
K: A vibe? haha, sorry but I don't believe in the mystical.
C: No, what I mean is that you connect--
K: --Again with the voodoo.
C: Ok, whatever. ... It's those things I mentioned: Being around you makes me feel like I'm heard. You ask me questions and you add to the conversation--we have actual conversations and I'm not just talking to myself.
K: Is that friendship?
C: No, I think that you can have all kinds of friends, friends who listen to you, friends who you hang out with for fun, friends who stimulate your mind and push you to think, friends who motivate you when you`re being lazy.
K: It almost sounds like you use your friends, Courtney....
C: Don't joke, I'm being serious!
K: No, hear me out and please don't take this offensively: those things you mentioned are all about you. --Do people ever have friends for the other person's sake?
C: That is an excellent question...I...almost want to say "no."
K: OK,THAT'S what I wanted to talk about--What's your reasoning, because I can think of a few reasons?
C: HAHahahahaha. <she literally laughed for 30 seconds> ...You lead me here this whole conversation.
K: So? Doesn't this illustrate my point that we use our friends?--No, really, do people ever have friends for the sake of their friend?
C: I don't think so. I think people have either an expectation to get something out of their friend or they get fed up with their friends and leave.
K: So then if someone is boring and useless they probably don't have friends?
C: If they don't have any money, then I think that is a fair statement.
K: --The other day my friend T told me people were too selfish to be the way they once were 100 years ago, and I refuse to believe that is the case. --I believe that they are more selfish, but not that they have to be--but like we talked about, I live in a fantasy world where I think people are more ideal than they really are.
C: Can we continue this later? This gives me a lot to think about

A few weeks later

K: Can we continue, I wrote up the first part of our conversation?
C: Ya, I've thought about it and I think that a lot of my friendships --I know it's bad of me to say this--are selfish relationships, but I realized there were a few that I would say are more "sympathy" relationships.
K: Can you define that for my blog?
C: Those would be relationships that you feel sorry for the person so you stick around and try to do things for them, like my friend B that I told you about who is trying to get out of drugs...
K: Ya, I told you to be careful because he's draining you.
C: That's not what you said but we can say that for your blog. He's "draining me," sure, but not really. I think he drains me in one way but not in others, if that makes sense. In other ways he makes me feel good about myself.
K: because you're better than him?
C: No, because I think I make a difference in his life and he tells me that--you have friends like that, I'm sure.
K: Fair enough, but do you see where this is leading?--It's leading to us a point where we have to say that the only reason we form relationships is because we're self-serving. We make friends like B who we are "Sympathetic" to, but really we get something out of it--we get the self-esteem boost that we're valued and that we help people. If you felt like your self-worth was amazing and you were highly valued do you think you would still be his friend?
C: Yes.
K: How so?
C: Because I am a sympathetic person. Because my conscious would feel bad if I didn't help someone that needed my help.
K: SEE!
C: ...shit. I see.
K (Courtney, I have to say it for the blog): You have that relationship because you have a need to not feel bad and to feel like you are helping people in need.
K: I don't think there is anything wrong with this. I think it's fine to only form relationships because you want to fulfill your needs, but I think a line needs be drawn when it comes to expectations and blame.
C: huh?
K: Expectations--when someone in a relationship expects something from you because they have been doing things for you. And Blame--when someone blames you for something that happened to them.
C: I don't follow...
K: Well, if you are dating two people at the same time and one is putting out and the other isn't and they find out about each other and you say, "Well, I wasn't really singling myself to either of you."
C: Ummm... Kyle? I don't think that is acceptable.
K: I don't see anything "wrong" with dating two people at the same time. Nor do I see a problem with having sex with multiple people--as long as they know that they aren't the only one.
C: That's where we differ, and if you venture into that territory you have to find your own path.
K: That's the thing! I have! See, it works like this: If we're all out to selfishly fill our own needs, and one of those needs is sex, and one person won't put out but another will, then I don't see anything wrong with that. But when the one who isn't putting out says, "I want to get serious" and she says she wants to take the relationship to another level and include sex and she doesn't know about the other one, then I have to tell her about the other one and I have to make a decision and hope that she isn't offended if I don't chose her or the other one get offended. Like...the expectation of girl A should be that if I haven't agreed to date only her or have sex with only her and if she hasn't asked me about it, then she should be okay with me having sex with people. My family is okay with it, you're okay with it, everyone's okay with it. But if Girl A hasn't put any thought into it that maybe I'm seeing other people or maybe I'm having sex with other people, I shouldn't be penalized for her not thinking about it--for her having ungrounded expectations, I shouldn't be blamed.
C: I understand now, and even though I don't agree with these principles because I'm married and love my husband and wouldn't cheat on him, I'll go along with your argument.
K: So that's basically my point: that you shouldn't have expectations of the relationship--if girl A is just a friend, she shouldn't have expectations that I can just drop everything the moment she wants more. ANNNNNnnd. I shouldn't be blamed by Girl A for her finding out about Girl B. If anything, Girl B could blame me for cutting her off, but not really because that would be her expecting me to keep her as my only sex partner when I wouldn't agree to something like that unless she was a 'real' girlfriend.
C: You're such a cheater. No wonder you haven't gotten married.
K: Don't be silly. I've never cheated in my life.
C: This sure sounds like it.
K: It's not. I am very faithful and very upfront about this aspect of my life if I have sex with someone I make a point to ask them if they're having sex with other people and inform them that I'm not having sex with anyone else somewhere along the line in our conversation leading up to it.
C: So it's not cheating then?
K: No, it's not cheating unless you agree to certain rules about not having sex with other people or not getting emotionally attached to other people or who knows what else.--and then you have to break those rules.
C: This is very risque--it sounds like you're justifying cheating.
K: I'm not! And besides, if we form relationships to meet our needs and those needs aren't being met, what do you suggest people do?
C: Not cheat! --break up before you cheat!
K: That seems like nonsense. You can't meet all of your needs with just one person.
C: Maybe you can't.
K: --I don't know if you're saying that I have incredibly complex needs, or if you're saying that because you're married your husband meets ALL of your needs.
C: Yes.
K: Ok...both--If your husband meets all of your needs then you don't need friends and you definitely don't need to talk to me ever--so why do you then, because that breaks our little theory about forming relationships to fulfill needs--AND, I will knowingly admit that I have complex needs that I doubt one person could fulfill on their own unless they were a goddess.
C: At least you admit it--I suppose...that I could admit too that my husband doesn't meet ALL of my needs, but he meets the important ones.
K: Fair enough. And that's what you ask for, isn't it? --a husband who meets the important needs, and friends who pick up the slack everywhere else? --I have to hand it to your husband, he's a great guy for letting you talk to me. Really. I'm being honest. I like him even though I don't really know him.
C: You're welcome to hang out with him if you'd like, but he's into things you probably aren't.
K: That's okay. Besides, I think he'd be the one to decide if I was "welcome to hang out with him"
C: You have my permission. Not that it means anything. He's an adult and can do what he wants.
K: Can we agree on those two things then: That we form relationships to fill our needs, and that we shouldn't have expectations unless we specifically talk about things first?
C: Yes, but I don't know why you invited me to talk and then you made all of the points and changed my mind.
K: Sorry, in the future I'll let you say something--that is...if you'll do this again?
C: I will, but next time I'm going to pick the topic and try to lead you to agree with me.

We all Live a Life of Fantasy

I'm going to transcribe (paraphrasing) a conversation I had with a friend (who I'm going to call Courtney to spare her name) the other day. 

Kyle: I'm kind of fed up with how people can't be upfront and real with me.

Courtney: What do you mean?

K: I dunno, I think I just have too many people in my life that expect a lot out of me without really doing anything for me in return

C: ...I didn't want to tell you this, but I've noticed that you're too helpful--

K: --My other friend M said that. 

C: Ya, and don't you think M takes advantage of you?

K: No...not really.

C: He does.

K: How?

C: It just seems that everything you do with him is his idea--like he needs someone to do things with and because you're available he calls on you because you're down for anything.

K: ... Fine, you got me there. So what should I do then?

C:  Well does that bother you--that he uses you because you're available?

K: Not usually...because I am "available."

C: Then don't do anything--nothing wrong.

K: Ok--I see that you just change the subject to make me quit complaining. 

C: Excuse me?

K: I said I was fed up with people not being upfront or real and somehow we started talking about being taken advantage of unknowingly.

C: haha, You started into this. I was just pointing out an observation.

K: Ok, but what do you have to say about what I said?

C: About?

K: That people aren't upfront?

C: I think you're right, but there's nothing that can be done about it.

K: But WHY? --Why can't people be upfront? --I do! I'm not afraid to tell people things about myself or whether I want to go along with them or not.

C: Do you?

K: I think so?

C: What about that time I invited you to go to Zeppes and you went along but you really didn't want to and you acted like a butt the whole time. Then when we left you told me that you just didn't feel comfortable.

K: ... Eh... OK... So I do it too.--but that's not really what I was referring to. --I'm sorry.

C: It's fine. We're friends.

K: --See THAT is what I'm talking about.

C: What?

K: That even though I was being an asshole you were still my friend.

C: Haha, that's because you manipulated me.

K: How do you mean?

C: You're always manipulating me. Everything you say you try to get me closer to you. 

K: You don't like it?

C: No, I like it, haha, but I'm just saying that you have a way to making people get close to you. We have pretty deep conversations sometimes and I tell you a lot of my secrets because I trust you--and it's like I can totally tell that you listen to me and understand me.

K: Thanks.

C: I'm serious...not many people are like you--when I told you that you're "too helpful," that's what I meant--so I wasn't really leading you off-topic. You are just a benefit to everyone because you know how to have a real conversation with people and make them feel valued. 

K: Then why do people leave me...so suddenly. 

C: I really can't explain that--I think people just panic sometimes. 

K: But why? What am I doing to make people panic?

C: It's kinda hard being around you Kyle.

K: Why?

C: Because you've got your life figured out. You "have your shit together," as they say.--I'm really impressed by you.--And worst of all, you're real. Other people your age are so concerned with being seen as "cool" or that they're the hottest thing next to white bread--but they really aren't. 

K: Ok, I see where you're going...

C: Ya, it's nerve racking really because you're so hot all the time and you're nice and you're available and you're stable, and what am I? <conversation removed to protect identity>

K: Well fuck my life! What am I supposed to do about this? Be like everyone else? Be like everyone I don't want to be like? Be anything other than myself?--I'm just being myself!

C: Just keep being you, please. Knowing you, I know I like real people better than fake ones. 

K: ..Sorry, I'm just really frustrated right now.

C: I can tell. 

K: I think sometimes I live a life of fantasy--sometimes I think people are like me and it makes me upset when they aren't the way I think they should be.

C: You can't be too critical of people.

K: I know.--I just see the way people can be because I'm that way and it's not hard for me and I think the world would be better if people were that way.

C: We all dream, hon. Dreaming isn't bad, in fact, I think it's good most of the time--all the time, really. The bad part is when you start to apply your dreams to reality and people don't want that.

K: People don't want my dreams.

C: Ok...Cynical.

K: --No, really what were you referring to?

C: ...Well, you put me in a difficult position.

K: How so?

C: If I tell you that you should keep your dreams to yourself, then I have to be the girl that trashes people's dreams; but if I say never give up your dreams, then I give you liberty to force your dreams on people who don't want them.

K: Don't answer that. We'll have to think about it first. 

C: --I don't want to think about it. Part of me wants to say to never give up on your dreams and to let yourself be taken away by the little fantasies that you make up in your head, because it makes life exciting, but I don't know that you can always live in a fantasy.

K: What does the other part of you want to say?

C: It wants to say that you shouldn't crush people's dreams because it can ruin good people.

K: I agree with that. Maybe that's why I'm so ruined.

C: Oh stop, you're not ruined. Look at your life.

K: Ya. I've got everything. Woop -D-doo!--I don't have what I want

C: That's because you want what you can't have.

K: Why can't I have it?

C: Because you think too much.

K: What do you propose I do instead?

C: Don't think. Just feel.

K: I do that too. 

C: oK, you feel too much too!--My head hurts. You make life an enigma because you think too much and need to feel more and then you feel too much and need to think more. I don't know what to say you are.

K: --but whatever it is, don't do it!

C: --Right!

C: I think I want to answer the question now.

K: Okay.

C: I think we should live our dreams--I think you live in dreamland too and that's your problem.--you want things to be perfect like they are in your fantasies.--Don't worry, I get you, so I don't think there is really a problem with it. I think you want people to be nice to you because you're nice to them and I think they want you to be nice to them because they feel entitled to it. I think you can apply this to pretty much everything, Kyle. You care about equality--too much about it really. You want to be equals with people who are your inferior and so it never works out--it would be different if you wanted to be equals with people who were better than you, but you don't. You keep hanging around people like me who live paycheck to paycheck, and for people like me, it's ok, but people who are conscious of living paycheck to paycheck it's bad because to them they think they have to compete and be somebody they aren't and pretend they're on the same level as you are. --I think people would trade anything to be in your situation--

K:--but they dont, otherwise they WOULD be where I am.

C: True. Maybe people think they would trade anything to have their fantasies fulfilled, but only you have been dedicated enough to do it so far. 

K: I think it depends on what dreams you're referring to.

C: I think you haven't had time to fulfill those dreams.--you took care of the other dreams.

K: Fair enough. So you're saying I should take care of my other dreams now.

C: The world is yours, friend, you just have to fantasize about it for a little bit and I'm sure you'll make it happen.

PART 2: Other Valuables that come with Love

I hope you didn't think I would leave Love to its simple fate and dismiss it!

I actually think there is a lot of value in the other things that we call Love--Just I think we need to expand our use of language about these things and focus on the right things.

--Thanks for being a loyal reader, let me do some of the heavy lifting and explain away these other things that poets and philosophers call love:

1- Pure Love - A permanent, caring interest in another person's life and their success.
2- Equality - Treating another person as an equal, or the belief that one's self is another's equal.
3- Emotions - Positive emotions triggered by another that motivate someone to shape their own life.
*4- Selflessness - Motivation to put another person ahead of one's self.
*5- Connection- [Two parts:] Mental - Curious desire to understand and learn more about another. Emotional - Curious desire to experience things with another person.
*6- Passion & Lust - Desire to live through a fantasy with another person.


Explanation:

1- I've already touched on pure love. --This is what I think we should call "love" because when you take everything else away, this is what you are left with is the sincere interest in the other person. The rest of these associations with love often come along with this kind of love.

2- Some people are attracted to the feelings associated with being an equal with another person. We like to be around equals because it enforces our beliefs, values, and lifestyle (our choices). When we feel we have found someone who is our equal on some level, we are attached to having them around us and we start to feed off of them.

3- Any relationship will trigger emotions; but when the majority of the emotions that another person triggers in us are appealing to us, we start to desire to have that person around more often. When excitement is triggered in us, it means that our subconscious is expecting something positive to happen and for us to be prepared for it. When desire is triggered, our subconscious is urging us to reach out and strive for the thing we desire.


The latter three associations people make with love, in my opinion, are branches from the original three.

4- Selflessness comes about after we possess a caring interest in another person and want them to succeed. We put ourselves on the line because we want the other person to live on and to reach what they are searching for, whether it's happiness or some other success.

5- Connection comes from desiring to be an equal with someone else. --Let me be clear, there is no way you can really be an equal with another person--we're too different and we are shaped differently. The influence that someone has on you merely shapes you in a new direction, it doesn't replicate itself into you because you still have to interpret and internalize it for yourself.

6- Passion and Lust come from emotions you feel. Sometimes your conscious and subconscious dream up a fantasy between yourself and another person--often times this is physical, but it can apply to anything emotional or mental as well. Once you have a dream and you see the possibility of it coming true, then it starts to become a passion as you work for it. It becomes a lust when it occupies your mind a majority of the time or is capable of putting you out of your thoughts because it is so overwhelming.



Selflessness makes for a better world.
Connection makes for a better world.
Passion makes for a better world.

I'd say these are all GREAT things! Emotions are good, Equality is good, and love is good.

Keep love simple.
Start using the correct terms please--people will understand you better and they'll probably be more likely to give you what you want the more direct you are with them.


PART 3: Coming Soon!

"Blame will not stop me from getting back up" an Essay by K. Oakes

I've been dealing with some strange arguments lately and it has made me depressed. I tend to be a very thought-oriented individual and sometimes I think myself into a mentally "dangerous" situation. I think myself into a situation where I can't figure things out and can't be comfortable with life until I can resolve these arguments that I stumble into.--Yes, yes, it's extreme, but what I do lose hope and become depressed, I know why I am depressed and because I think, I am better able to pull myself out of depression. I am alive, I understand my own humanity and I don't need medication to deal with it, I don't need a therapist, I just need myself and some time to think through these strange arguments and to hear some other arguments that help me think my way out of them. 

I watched this film today and I think my depression is over.  Life makes sense to me now, again:

I watched the above film "The High Cost of Living (2010)" and it brought my mind back to an argument I am still attempting to debate. The argument is this: "It does not matter whose fault it is, what matters is where you go from here."

It seems to me that people put a huge emphasis on finding whose fault something is and then making them pay. We raise our kids to think that if the neighbor harmed us we need to harm them back, or make them fess up to it, or make them pay for it.--If they break a window on your house by accident, they need to work and earn the money to pay you back; if your boyfriend has sex with someone else then they have problems and you should leave them; if you hit someone with your car, you need to make it up to them and go to prison.--I think this is stupid.

Our society is way too preoccupied with whose fault it is and that makes it more difficult for us to be comfortable with our human condition. Really the issue comes down to that we've been trained into thinking in fault-finding--blame Plato/Socrates for that because it's his fault we got here! He introduced us to the concept of real truth, rather than sophist truth/democratic truth, and argued that it was superior to sophist truth. When you have the concept of objective truth, then you can have the concept of blame and be somewhat fair about it.--Only problem is that we almost never have the real truth and even when we do, the truth becomes irrelevant because it is fact and doesn't associate blame or fault any more than it associates justification or rightness.

I propose a better way, and it stems from my religious beliefs. No, I'm not a Christian or a Jew or a Muslim or a Buddhist, and I'm not an agnostic. I'm Atheist--Atheist in the Greek sense, so if you want to call me Greek Atheist, fine.--but the term is generalized. I don't believe in God or Gods but I believe Religion brings down our society when it should be lifting us up, so I oppose religion. Do I think all religion is "bad"? No. Do I believe people are bad? No. My real religion is Love. --And I've seen Religion oppose Love often enough to believe that religion leads to the opposite of Love, and anything that opposes what I believe in, I oppose--up until it can stand out of the way of my beliefs. If religion can find a way to be passive and not affect Love, then I would support it, but sometimes it doesn't, and when it doesn't then I am Greek Atheist.

I already wrote an article on Love, so I'm not going to go into detail about that here, but whenever you start to blame others you start to hinder love. You hold back people that you care about. Worse, you hurt people who are trying to Love or trying to be Loved! Those people, over time, become bitter and have a harder time loving others or being loved by others. How scary is that? If to love is to have someone care about you, then what happens when you get bitter and have a hard time caring about other people--you go crazy. You go sociopathic, you go really really really nihilistic and then you end up like any of these kids out there these days who go homicidal and then suicidal. --PLEASE don't hurt people who are trying to Love or be Loved because  it leads them down a dark path and society is paying the debt every time one of these kids loses hope and takes out a bunch of people with him or her.


The strange argument that was bringing me down is simple, and in essence, it IS the Human Condition. It is the desire for purpose, it is the unquenchable curiosity, it is the fear of death and the inevitable isolation.


But you've gotta get back up.
I've picked this video because it's a new, unheard song by Eminem mixed with a popular video game. This was very intentional and very specific. It would seem that Eminem is the patron saint of nerds, geeks, and kids who've been picked on, feel different, and feel like they aren't loved. And have you seen how many of these kids play video games to escape, especially shooters?

Let me explain the argument I was battling with, because it all ties back to blame, and I think everyone could benefit from understanding this argument.

First, I had the question: What is the point of life? If I know how to be happy, if I know how to connect with others, if I know how to find answers to my questions because I know how to think, then what is the purpose of life if eventually I'll always be forced into isolation? Why do I fight on? Why do I keep making new friends when eventually they fade away, why do I put up with other people's annoying behavior, why do I try to help people, and most of all, why do I Love? It's easier to hate, it's easier to live a life of bitterness. It's easier to be completely independent of people--to fade away into the blackness, to venture out into the wilderness and never come back. It's easier to give up on life and to express yourself in a way so that people understand that they hurt you. It's SO much easier to blame others for all of your problems. To blame them for hurting you--because shit, they have hurt you! --So why fight on, why keep going in life? What's the point? Why am I beating myself up?


Asking that question is like asking: Why do I refuse to give up?


--And we all have to find our own answer to that question because it all depends on what you are doing. Ultimately, the answer comes down to: "...Because what I want is that important."--And yes, it IS subjective. This whole world comes down to the subjective answer you give to the question "Why Do I refuse to give up?" Because what I want is THAT important.

But before you can make the jump from asking the question, to realizing the answer, you have to come to the realization of exactly WHAT you want.--I know what I want. I've thought it out often enough at least that I ought to know what I want.--But this last little while I didn't really understand what I want. It isn't that I want to be at peace and happy, and that's why I was so upset about this strange argument. Because What's the point if all I want is to be at peace and happy?

Then, I hit a standstill in my argument, because eventually, I'll die and it'll be over with, so why am I not comfortable with dying now? Why am I not completely comfortable with my fear of death? What is it that made me panic so much when I was swimming across the lake? What is it that prevents me from giving myself away to the military to use my life to protect my ideals--I even thought, maybe I could go to another country and fight for their wars, because war isn't a matter of patriotism, it's a matter of ideals and there are a few wars that I support even though they have little to do with the U.S. --Again, why do I fight? Why have I fought this far?-- WHAT have I been fighting for?

And I think from watching that film I finally have an answer to that question:
I keep going because I have a dream that the world doesn't have to be this way. I'm not the ass I used to be because I don't want to spread anti-love, I don't want to blame people anymore because I've been wrongly blamed before and it took me a long time to get better from that and I've been rightly blamed before and it didn't help anything, it was just as bad as when I was wrongly blamed. I refuse to give up being a nice guy because I dread the thought of a world where all the nice guys give up hope. I refuse to stop helping people, even when I'm drained and I just want to go home, because I live in a world where sometimes people refuse to help and a lot of bad things happen because of it. People lose hope, they go on their own personal jihad or crusade, they go completely crazy because the arguments take them over and no one has trained them on how to deal with the arguments.

I'm fighting a war every day. The war I fight is in favor of Love. It is so that there will be one less kid who takes his life and the life of others. It is so that we can all have real peace and we can all be happy. I refuse to give up because I am still fighting for a better world, one in which people don't live in fear of being rejected, one in which we keep moving forward and nothing holds us back, one in which there is always support out there for people who need it. I'm fighting for a world where we stop focusing on blame and fault, because the more I learn about blame and fault, the more I realize it's contrary to everything I believe in and fight for.

Why do we punish people for mistakes? Why do we punish people for intentional acts? Either way, we have to live with the outcome. Why make enemies when you can make friends? Why not enlist their help in fixing this rather than turning them into an enemy?

I know the answer to these questions: It's because we think our human condition is going to be resolved if we have a scapegoat. We think that if we're in the right and they're in the wrong that we're going to find closure. --But you don't find closure from that. You find closure in another way.

So what your girlfriend cheated on you, can't you see that she isn't getting some of her needs met by you? So what if people are rude to you, can't you see that they have problems and that when you are rude back that you're makign their problems worse and you're not making them want to be nice to you.

This is why I fight. Because I believe in a better world than this. I believe it is possible. I believe it is feasible. I believe that my actions make a difference, and I for one refuse to give up until I can see that world. No matter how hard people make it for me. We, who believe in this better world, will not give up.


I hope some day you can join us and the world will live as one.

"The Spectacular Now (2013)" -- A Must See film for this summer.

10/10 Rating.

This is possibly the best movie I've seen all year.

It was an independent film that got picked up for limited release at Sundance in Sept 2013.

All of the characters are very real, the acting is amazing (both of the principle actors went on to bigger roles). It is incredibly easy to get sucked into this movie because the characters are so lovable and the actors do a perfect job of portraying them--I am persuaded to think that the actors lives simply MUST have been very similar to these characters because they are so perfect for the roles.

The story is hearty. Initially, I thought this would be a cheesy love story that I would watch at home alone when I was bored out of my mind, but the story is actually about something bigger--it touches on all aspects of the human condition.

The only drawback to this story is that it is a high school film written for a mature audience. If you give it the leeway to be what it is--a film about high school students senior year--and you don't judge the characters for being young, stupid, and innocent, you realize the film applies to all ages of life.

The ending is very positive. Watch this film. It's on Amazon Prime right now, but if you don't have the account I definitely recommend you rent it because this is a must see for this summer. Watch it alone or with someone, but be prepared to take it seriously and allow yourself to get attached to it.

PART 1: What is Love? Passion, Feelings, Connection,Selflessness, Friendship--All are Explored!

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" -- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet
Inversely, just because you call it a rose does not mean it is a rose. Plato seemed to be arguing this when he described Truth as what is actually there rather than what the majority of people think is truth.

PART1: What is Love?


People over-complicate Love. They call things that aren't love, "love;" and they call things that are love by different names. Love really isn't that difficult to understand, and so I've provided a lovely definition below which I would love for nay-sayers to argue with me over and tell me I'm wrong so that I have opportunity to further argue why I'm right. As well, I decided to debunk a few of Love's mysteries here--the things that people claim is love but really isn't--You know...Lust, Friendship, Good Feelings, Connection, or the desire to be Selfless.

Love is a permanent, helpful interest in another living organism. 

A) It is an Interest in that it is a concern for the other; desire to know about, hear news of, and be involved in the life of the other.

B) It is Helpful in that it is a positive desire to benefit the other person.

C) It is Permanent in that it can never go away once you have it.

If you don't have all three, then it isn't love, because the policeman might have an interest in what you are doing and be helpful to your cause, but he doesn't love you. Your enemies might have a permanent interest in you but not want to be helpful. Charity groups can be permanent and helpful (they will always help you), and yet not really take an interest in you or keep track of you, but that does not mean they love you.

1 - Love is not Passion--those intense emotions that lure you in and instill desire within you for the other person, or the fantasies you want to act out--those are Passion and not Love. The word Passion should be used instead of Love when describing this sensation.

2 - Love is not a Feeling. Excitement is a feeling, Suspense is a feeling, Confusion is a feeling, Worry is a feeling, but Love is not a feeling. "You are Excited to see her," not, "you are Loved when you see her;" when you confuse Love with emotions you sound like a little child who is incapable of describing how he or she feels because it is a new feeling for him or her.

3 - Love is not a deep Connection. When two people love each other, they might be on "separate pages." Their motivations, goals, and aspirations might be very different and the direction they are headed in life might be completely polar and yet they can still love each other. You don't often understand the people you love, in fact it is rare and difficult to really understand and empathize with those you love.

4 - Love is not Selflessness. Being charitable and giving of yourself doesn't mean you are in love--it means you are a giving person. Being selfless and sacrificing yourself for other people does not mean you love them--how many soldiers throughout history have died sacrificing themselves for a country they were disillusioned by? How many soldiers loved every person in their country--even the ones they hated? No, Love and selflessness are two different things.

5 - Love is not friendship. You can love people who you are not on speaking terms with. You can love people who do not care for you back. You may not consider yourself an equal to those who you love. What parent sees their young children as completely equal to them--and yet parents love their children.

Instead, Love produces Friendship, Love motivates Selflessness, Love establishes Connection, Love triggers all sorts of Feelings, and Lust is heightened by Love. Yet, you can be any of these things without love because they are different; that is all, and Love is no guarantee that you will have these five things.

When you love someone, you want them to succeed at life, you want them to be happy, you want them to make it, and even when you go your separate ways, you still care about their success and happiness and you still want them to make it.

Don't make Love complicated when it is such a simple thing--A permanent, helpful interest in another living organism.

PART2: Other Benefits that come from Love


The problem I see is that there are plenty of people "Searching for Love" when really they should be searching for something else (friendship, good feelings, selfless people, passion, or a connection); and there are people who are searching for something else when they should be searching for Love. THAT is why I wrote this article. 

"No Turning Back" is a mental game

This afternoon a friend of mine and I decided to go to a popular lake in Utah for cliff diving. We opted out of bringing our kayaks or tubes or any flotation devices and agreed to swim to the jumping rock across the lake.
I think I'm a good swimmer--I enjoy swimming and I practice swimming at every opportunity--but I've never swam across a deep lake like this before.

The water was cold--it's just barely June and I bet the water is around sixty degrees. There was a light breeze making only 1' swells, so not too bad. The distance to the other side was 500ft.

My friend was initially timid about getting in the water because of the temperature, so I slowly eased myself in and urged him to get in as well. Finally, I pushed off the shore and he jumped in after me--apparently he didn't want to get left behind. Seeing him in the water with me urged me forward and we cleared the first 200 feet in a very short time. I felt pumped up, I was really doing it!

Around the half-way mark I started to lose steam. We saw a rowboat and two kayaks go by and my friend called to them half-serious half-joking to see if they would lend us some help. Instead, the couple in the kayak said, "Nope," laughed and went skiffing on by. I tried to throw my emotions aside but somehow that got to me. Here I was, halfway in the middle of the lake, to go back would be just as hard as to go forward, so the decision was obvious to go forward. I saw my friend and could tell that he too was tired and that this was more challenging than we thought it would be, and the thought crossed my mind of: what if we don't make it?

As a toddler I took early swimming lessons and drowned--only time I've made it into a newspaper actually. It took me a long time and my parents' prodding to get me over that fear. That being said, if someone told me that there were still aspects of that that lingered in my sub-conscious, I'd believe them.

I continued, changed my swimming pattern to a more buoyant one so I could push forward, and a part of my mind switched from "what if we don't make it," to, "what if I don't make it?" Sadly, in a situation like that you have to be sensible and save yourself rather than lose both of you. I stopped watching my friend (I was in front of him doing back strokes) and focused on just making it to the other side.

Obviously, I made it to the other side since I'm here to tell the story. Upon turning around after thinking I had doubled my distance, I saw the rock and my energy renewed for me to make the rest of the distance. 500ft isn't even a half mile. People swim a full mile all the time. I could probably swim a full mile in a public pool though I've never tried--but should! When I made it to the shore I can remember not being tired--it wasn't the physical strain that worried me.

We took our shirts off, set them out to dry and went hiking around the rock to keep warm--again, I use this as evidence that I wasn't tired. Possibly out of breath, but that's because I need to work on my breathing, and as my MMA Sensei taught me: "You control your breathing, your breathing doesn't control you," so my gasping for air is irrelevant.

I would like to think I'm a hero, but I know I'm just an average joe that tries to do outstanding things and sometimes actually does them. When we got to the rock I was still scared--that's all any of this was, was fear--and so I didn't actually jump back in the water. In fact, we both resorted to seeking the help of a more friendly individual who ferried us across the lake--Thank you, Dan, and anyone else out there like you!

When we got back to our truck and were safe, I had had time to think about this whole ordeal. I've never had an experience like this before but I recall reading about John Muir's experiences that were similar to this. Muir would constantly get into situations where he was faced with life or death and he chose to carry on with life and then after reflecting about the experience he learned more about life in that moment--about himself, and about god (he believed in an omnipotent being)--than at any other time in his life.

The big thing that I learned from this experience is that fear is very powerful and real. I went from being pumped up to having thoughts in the back of my mind telling me to just give up and quit. Yes, I was pushing myself to do something I had never done before, but when I set out to do it the thought never crossed my mind that it would be that difficult. I didn't take into account that I would lose motivation right in the very center--at the longest point to either shore. I didn't take into consideration that if I really did need assistance no one was going to give it. I also didn't consider that seeing my friend's pace slow would affect my own pace.
This whole experience was more of a mental game than anything. I've never had such an overwhelming mental experience like this before that I can remember. I'm glad this experience has happened to me because I walk away knowing more about myself and about people in general, and next time I'm going to come prepared.

My friend and I have committed to make the swim again in the future--only with a few more safety precautions--though there is a more important commitment that I need to make. The next time I face a mental battle with fear or doubt or "I can't," I'm going to remember this day. I'm going to remember that no one was going to rescue me if I didn't make it. I'm going to remember that I had the physical abilities within me to make it through to the end--and I knew this going into the situation. Lastly, I'm going to remember that fear is very real and powerful enough to cripple anyone, and so the next time I see someone going at something like it's life or death or like it's their one true passion--I'm going to be more human and I'm going to cheer for them, root for them, and if they need me I'm going to help them, because humans are powerful beings--they just don't know it because they're crippled by fear. #embracehumanity



[sadly, my biggest regret of the day was not bringing my GoPro with me--it was in the truck the whole time!]