Always

It has been bothering me, and I am sure you can tell by the last few posts I have written on here...

Actually, it's always bothered me, and I've almost had a 6th sense about the whole thing that told me I didn't ever want to be a part of it.

Along with it, I feel like I have no culture, no roots, no background, because I don't fit into it.

So what is "it"?
It's the way people my age act, their culture, their mindsets, their behavior. It's anyone who is part of the 80s and 90s generation.

I am left to question whether all generations are like that and if they grow out of it, or what.
All I know is, when I was in high school, I was doing things--people thought I was being cocky all the time, but really I was just different from them. I wanted to be mature and do mature things, I didn't want to party all the time, and I didn't want to suck up all the time. I wanted to pave my own path. I wanted to be independent--really independent, not like the crowd followers movement that said they were independent and they were all doing the same thing.

I was never exposed to rock concerts. I didn't have money and couldn't buy music, or cars, or speakers for cars, or sports gear. I just glided around aloof, learning things on my own, on the streets, the web, and in books. School hasn't really taught me anything other than to get work done on a time table and to manage my time... The actual learning processes is rare for me because, chances are, I already learned and study something about it on my own time.

It's kinda screwed my lifestyle up out of the norm, by the way I was raised--the way I raised myself. I never really played around in life because I go that out of my system when I graduated from having a babysitter. --sure I pulled pranks on people here and there, but I try to conduct myself maturely whenever possible. But as such I've grown to have a disinterest in this society. I wouldn't go out drinking because that'd be like taking a step downward in life--to party and get drunk seems stupid to me. I wouldn't do drugs for the same reason. But at the same time, I don't want to go to "mormon" parties either, because that's like taking two steps down...it's a step down from the drinking parties.

If I were describe my situation in olden terms, I'd probably be the viking who didn't take part in pagan rituals because I thought they were fools mind games. And I literally don't see drugs or alcohol as an escape from this life...they're a PART of this life and I want to keep myself away from them.

I suppose you could say I'm having a mid-life crisis. I'm 22, and I've been in this crisis since I was 17. Somehow things just snapped for me back then. I'm ultra serious about life, I don't goof around much anymore because it doesn't interest me. I'm not naive enough.

About the only things that interest me are love, sex and money. And having kids some day. Right now I just feel like all the women my age are only after a good time, whether it's buying them things or sexing them up. And their culture (which may be hegemonic) has them doing stupid things like getting wasted, sexing it up, dancing and raving, dressing up in costumes, and being lunatics. And then judging everyone who isn't a part of that system. They only want the "spark" connection with other people--the excitement. They don't care about all those glorious things that humanity is known for: love, kindness, sincerity, peace, happiness. Who gives a shit?

I'm a little bitter over this as well. I started writing a short story called the cynical warrior which was meant to cover a lot of the satire about life. the main character was meant to be faced with unsurmountable odds, challenging, grusome battles, and the brutalities of life. And those things were going to shape him into a cynic.  And parallel to his life was meant to be a world where no one gave a shit. Where society was the worse demon of the two. Where the cynical warrior was holding up the world and no one cared. That was it. That describes my life from the time I was 17 to the time I was 22.

I don't tell to many people this, but I only served a 20 month LDS mission. I felt as though I was needed more at home than I was in the field, and so I requested my leave. I went through the proper channels and saw myself flying home on an airplane. I suppose deep down inside I just couldn't handle it. I still can't handle it. I was too mature for the kids in the mission. I couldn't handle being grouped with them by my mission president who knew nothing about me. I couldn't handle people younger than me, less intelligent than me, and more irresponsible than I was at the time telling me that I was being irresponsible, that I was stupid, that they were better than me somehow, and that they were the mature ones. Bullshit.

People tend to believe that because of my age, because of my experiences, because of a few ink blots on my canvas that I'm not the best ship in the fleet. I'm air tight, I'm fast, and I have the best damn captain aboard. But more importantly, I've got guts. I'm inspired. I'm motivated. I'm willing. and I haven't seen a battle that I didn't come out on top--even when I returned from my mission.

You see, I left on my mission to get away from the creeps my age. I left on my mission so that people would look up to me and I could get past all of the bullshit and just do what I want to do: help people. I left on a mission so that I could look beyond myself. You know what happened to me? I got put in a worse circumstance so that God would humble me. Boy was I humbled. I was frustrated all of the time. I lost a lot of sleep. I never felt like my body was working right. I was torn to shreds and chewed up and spit out. I went through hell and my face was planted on the mat several times until the bell rang and I was given a breif round break.

I learned plenty. I learned too much. I learned that I didn't want to learn any more, and yet here I am, still learning. still in school. Still stuck in a world where people don't recognize the makings that I see in myself. Still stuck in a world where I have to compete with lowlifes in order to survive. Still stuck in a world where I'm the bottom of the totem pole. Plenty of people haven't seen the things I have seen.
Most people are stuck eating lotus. They don't know anything. They don't see anything. They're just there. It's called hegemony. And it forces people into silly roles. Like to fear people who come off as intelligent and confident. To cast out the eccentric for making a few comments here and there. To avoid any workings of true greatness.

Damn, I feel like I'm the loser who can only complain about how no one is giving him a chance in life, and that if I ever got a chance I'm sure I would excel with it.But that's the thing about life. It always tries to screw you when your pants are down. When you're at your lowest it tries to mess with you and degrade you further. I never had a chance to stand up because I was always stuck with my face on the mat. I was always the "least" capable ship in the harbor.

...And yet somehow I keep going. I'm the llama among the sheep herd. The eagle among crows. Satan tries to keep me down and make me like the rest of them. But I -know- I'm different. I know I'm better than the rest of them. I know that my chance will come some day. I know that I want to do great things and I'm not going to stop until I get them.

This frustration I face. It's nothing. I'll get over it. I always do. I always get out of the pin, I don't tap out. When I came home from my mission, it wasn't that I had lost the battle. The war isn't over. That battle wasn't a loss. It was a win. I won that battle because I did everything I could do. I walked away in the proper manner. I learned from the experience. I walked away with my head high. I walked away because there were other people who needed my help. I walked away and I am better for it. I did not lose.

Mohammed Ali said once "I'ma show you, how great I am." --Well I'm going to do the same. Life has knocked me down several times.

Hell, what am I doing here? I'll be back when I have something successful to say....