This Life

PART 1
I'm really disappointed with life. Is that common?

I'm going to branch away from my traditional posts (I've kinda been doing that lately) and hopefully I can branch back into the blog's theme.

--I'm LDS, I'm sure I've mentioned that before on here. One of my beliefs (and it isn't just limited to LDS faith, because a lot of other religions believe this way) is that my spirit existed before this life. My spirit is eternal, though my body will die some day and I will wait until my spirit and body are reunited.
Under that light, I'm wondering what my thoughts were before I was born, before I agreed to come into this life. I wonder if I was told by God the things that would happen to me if I came down here. I wonder if I was told about what I could become if I put the effort into it. That's kinda how I believe. I believe that I was told some of the things I might face, I was told about my potential, and I was told how wonderful life could be.

But lately, over the last...oh...5 years. Life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would. What I mean is that five years ago, I was 17. I thought that was a golden year for me. I remember it being quite spectacular though I don't recall everything  (or hardly anything) that happened to me back then. Over the last 5 years I have been exposed to a lot of reality about life. Stress has bore down on me. The things that I wanted out of life have seen so distant and I've lost a lot of hope. Nearly everything I thought about life back then turned out to be false, and I feel like I was so innocent back then, I was so naive.
I almost want to say that I was living in a fantasy world back then, and I made decisions that turned me into who I am now--I made -the best- decisions up until now. Out of the "grand" decisions that really shape my life, I chose perfectly. Because I'm convinced there is nothing I could have done better--I'm convinced that I'm on a direct course into what I want to become--as long as I survive the turbulence in front of me and I don't stray from this course.

But I'm not sure this is what I want.
It's weird to say that. To say that I feel like I've taken full advantage of life, (and therefore there is nothing that I could do better about my past life) and if I were given the opportunity to do it over again and make things "Better"--I don't think I could make it better.
I definitely can't think of anything to make it better. Everything that happened to me made me better. Sure, I made some stupid decisions, I wasn't perfect in that sense. But if I didn't make those decisions, I wouldn't have been given other opportunities.

...this is getting complicated. Let's just say that in the grand scheme of things, I made all the right decisions.

But the thing that upsets me, is that even though I've become a spectacular person--the kind of person that I always wished I would be when I was younger--I'm not satisfied. If I were to meet myself when I was younger, my younger self would look up to and respect me, but my older self looks at me and doesn't look up to myself and only respects me.

If I were to look at myself in the mirror...I mean really look myself in the mirror, because I haven't done that in such a long time--probably since I was 17...
If I were to do that, I only see myself as an equal.
I want to see myself as amazing. I know there are those out there who look at me as a hero. It's disturbing. The only thing I've done for these people is befriend them, listen to them, entertain them, and teach them. I motivate them merely because I have aspirations. I haven't done anything for them though. At the present time I am incapable of doing so.

I want to be my own hero. Was there a greek hero who struggled so?



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I think if I had the chance to meet with my younger self--just for a little bit--I might tell myself to forget about cramming myself with knowledge, seeking for ways to line my pockets with money, and I'd tell myself to just chase skirts.

I don't know how sound this advice is. My gut tells me it's stupid. But what do I know? I'm wiser now. I may know more and may be more capable. But I know I'm not the best. I know that the more I learn, the more I know I don't know anything. The more I talk the more I wish I could listen. The more I listen the more I wish I didn't have to listen.
Call me proud, arrogant, stubborn, and stupid, but I see people around me rising above me who aren't as smart as I am, aren't as ambitious as I am, aren't as resourceful as I am, and aren't as diplomatic as I am. They get ahead by luck, and they call it skill. I can't make any sense of it. And I have a terrible time rising above it. Really... I want so badly to have a mentor to someone great. I so badly want to follow someone rather than lead. I so badly want to not think and no have to make decisions right now. --save that for when I'm older.

But I don't have that privilege. No one will take me in.
I'm virtually unknown to the big world. I'm a nobody on the outside of the elite circle. Sure, I might have potential, but I haven't been given a chance. No one will teach me the next steps.

And I would say that's the most frustrating thing about this life. Everyone I know who is smarter than I, they're not in fields that interest me, fields that I could excel in. They aren't capable of taking me to the next level. I don't know anyone living who has become what I want to become.

I don't know the system well enough to become what I want to become. I don't know how to find anyone who will mentor me.