All-Natural Anti-depressant: Part 2

I didn't know where best to throw this section in the order of things, so I'm putting it towards the front of my series rather than the end because this is how it is listed in every self-help book out there. This section is my harp back to traditional self-help, because I think this tactic works.

Reread:
INTRODUCTION
PART 1 - Create Space

PERSUADE YOURSELF

Back when I first discovered self-help and positive literature, including some NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming), and positive psychology, one of the first steps that these books pointed out was to give yourself a pep talk every day. There is something magical to telling yourself that you are confident, telling yourself that you're going to make that next big sale, or telling yourself that you can accomplish the task before you. Doing these things leads you to the success you're hoping for.
Several very intelligent people recommend looking yourself in the mirror each morning and complimenting yourself. I tried this for about a month and I think I saw some great results from it, but I think that this is only on the surface of some deeper truth. I think that underneath this important step is persuading yourself that you can heal yourself and that you can be happy again.

When I hit my lowest low in life, I was a little over 20 years old. It was the winter time in West Virginia during the storm they called Snowmageddon that hit the east coast, including Pennsylvania, Maine and New York and a little town called Kingwood, WV. I remember taking a picture of me standing next to a pile of snow on my porch that my memory believes was taller than I am (6'0). The snow had fallen just three or four times but it closed down every road and store in town. We weren't going anywhere.
I was on an LDS mission. I was doing what I believed in--or trying to--but I felt more like Rodrigo in Roland Joffe's film, "The Mission" (1986) during the scene in which he carries his armor through the Amazon. I carried a lot of guilt and shame with me through my mission because of the things I did before my mission. Growing up in this religion it was ingrained in me that sex before marriage was one of the worst sins a person could commit, next to murder, and unfortunately the moment arose when my girlfriend at the time told me she was pregnant and I threw my own beliefs out the window and told her to have an abortion. I was Judas in my own mind. Serving a mission was supposed to absolve me of my sins and give me the opportunity to give back to others and look beyond myself, but it didn't allow me that.
I told myself and other people that I was going on a mission to benefit people other than myself; my primary intentions were noble. Absolving my sins and proving to myself that I can accomplish what I set out to, these were my secondary motives. I definitely thought I worked hard to get out on a mission and that I had accomplished a major goal in life and hoped that it would be a refreshing experience to strengthen my core beliefs. My father and I had flipped a house to earn the money for my mission, I had read my scriptures and prayed daily since I was 15 (then 19) only missed a couple days of church in my life, stood up and bore testimony every first sunday of the month for years. The day I left I felt like I was on fire because I had prepared so much for this monumentous experience of my life--expectations were high and I was so positive because everyone supported me and made me think I was doing the right thing. I felt good.
But my mission hit me with the darkest times in my entire life thus far. I was shut down and snubbed out in a political game played by my superiors who, in my mind, were on missions, just as I was, for selfish motives. Fame was the coveted prize of everyone around me. Strict obedience, zero questioning, and sucking up lead to that fame and fame lead to power and respect. I became the bane of my mission president when other missionaries told him that I was stubborn, proud, and created conflict wherever I went because I wasn't sucking up and I have an inquisitive mind. I felt like I was under attack all the time and that my efforts were never good enough and was always suspicious of my colleagues because I suspected they were going to use me as a scapegoat in order to get ahead. I received conflicting information from members of the church on one hand and other missionaries on the other--the members grew to love me and told me I was the best missionary they had ever experienced, yet the missionaries made me think I was the worst, made me feel hated.
I became very crazy, internally--externally I was fine, or made an attempt to be. I tried to be strong, tried not to show emotion, tried to not let things get me down, but a conflict was eating me alive. I was dealing with the guilt of my "sins" from before my mission on a regular basis--they made me think the hardships I faced were related as though God were cursing me. I dealt with the conflicting views of members vs. missionaries and thought that one or both were wrong and that I was on the wrong side of the line. I was physically exhausted all of the time, didn't sleep enough, didn't eat healthy enough, possibly suffered from malnutrition and overall my mind wasn't working correctly because of the damage being caused on my brain physically and psychologically. I was verbally abused by the people I met on the streets who knew nothing of the religion I was trying to share with them or me as a person. Worst of all, I went on my mission to help people and I grew to feel worthless because I wasn't helping anyone and my leaders told me conflicting instructions that preventing me from helping anyone the way I knew how to help people--raking someone's leaves, shoveling their snow, or assisting them with tasks they were too elderly to manage were considered a waste of time to my superiors. When the snowstorm hit, I was locked away in our apartment and suffered from a form of cabin fever. We couldn't go outside and yet I didn't want to stay in. I fought a battle with guilt thinking that I should always be working always using my time wisely because it wasn't my time--it was time I had given to my God and therefore I should maximize my efficiency. I locked myself away, did little to nothing for myself, and it was eating me alive.

My problem wasn't all of the conflict however, my problem was that I didn't know any different--didn't know that I didn't have to be unhappy. Just like Rodrigio who believed he had to carry the huge weight around, I was carrying the weight of my past and the weight of myself, I was internalizing the verbal attacks on me by my superiors and carrying the weight of self-doubt caused by the conflicting world around me. The hardships I faced on my mission were trivial--circumstances brought me down, people were mean to me, people I thought I could trust were nowhere to be found, I was purposefully isolated from family, I felt very little love and was under constant stress--but these things are nothing. We humans aren't made to be crippled by circumstances, we're made to survive. We're made to thrive in hardship. For many people living in the world today, the purpose of life is discovering happiness in the hard times. As bad as my situation became, I believe that if I knew what I know now, none of that would have mattered and I wouldn't have been brought to contemplating suicide again and ultimately, thankfully, settling with coming home from my mission first to decide if life really was so bad or if I was just trapped in a bad situation.

In order to be happy, you have to persuade yourself to believe that you can be happy. You have to persuade yourself to believe that you are worth something to someone (yourself) and that your life matters, that the experiences you have and the circumstances that you are in, they all matter and they all make up who you are. You have to convince yourself that there is hope out there, that you don't have to be so sad, that whatever circumstances are bringing you down, they are only temporary. I would say a majority of the sad times in my life were circumstantial. They happened and then they passed; even though at the time I thought they would never pass they made time seem to slow down.
Hope is an important part of happiness--at its base I think it is somewhat cheesy and I never appreciate it when someone else tells me to have hope because the lack of hope is the inability to appreciate things the way they are. Everyone knows that hope is the firm belief that something better is going to happen, but few people realize that the lack of hope isn't that something worse is going to happen--that's dread. The lack of hope is the inability to see and appreciate the way things are in the present. Having hope makes you appreciate the way things are now and where they are going. Hope means you're comfortable with your life.

When you're depressed you're not comfortable with your life. When you're depressed you see other people and think it would be better to trade your life for theirs. The root of what most self-help books teach is that you are capable of doing it on your own--that you are capable of becoming comfortable with the way things are. Self-help teaches hope.--that's right, teaches--because it's something you have to learn. Hope isn't given at birth, it is learned.
Self confidence is also learned, not inherited. Confidence means being comfortable with yourself in your present situation. People who are confident learn confidence through a pattern of trial, error, and success--they take risks, devote themselves, and then when they see success it adds to their confidence. When a baby first learns to walk, they lack confidence and instead have doubt and fear. Doubt leads them to not want to try because it is the belief that their actions don't bring about the desired results, and so they pick up their feet so that a helpful adult can't set them on their feet. Fear leads them to quit after starting but before they see success and so they only go as far as one step or they force themselves to fall on their butt. Confidence replaces fear and doubt, but the only way to build confidence is to see success--to observe the connection between actions and successful outcomes, to take one step while holding the hand of a trusted adult who will catch them when the are about to fall, or to hold onto a wall or walker.
I think the underlying motive of self-help books is to give you micro examples of success that you can build upon until you have enough hope to try new, bigger things. This develops a kind of confidence muscle just like walking develops strength and balance in a child. Complimenting yourself each morning teaches you that you do in fact like things about yourself and leads to the hope that others will like things about yourself, and that is enough for you to make an attempt and open up to other people. The trick is to persuade yourself by whatever means to believe two things: that your goal of being happy is achievable by anyone who tries regardless of circumstances, and that you have the tools to achieve that goal.

The tools used to convince other people are the same tools you will have to use on yourself, except you can even go as far as manipulating yourself. Some good tools I have found are:
Repetition/Persistence - Constantly tell yourself things as though they are fact until you start to believe it
Apply Logic - Logic is merely "this leads to this... leads to this...," such as if I get out of bed, I will have time to go to the gym, and working out makes me feel good about myself, therefore I will get out of bed now.
Don't beat yourself up - when you fail at things or don't do them the way that you would like, which you will at some point, rather than reflecting on how bad you are, remind yourself that you have to fail a few times before you learn what works. You'll feel sad even moments after you had a great experience and rather than beat yourself up over being so inconsistent, tell yourself that you're in a learning process and that in order for you to learn you have to have moments like this.
Compliment yourself - Periodically throughout the day plan on stopping everything you do to giving yourself a mental compliment and commit to not continue doing anything until you find something you like about yourself. This forces you to pay closer attention to the things you like about yourself rather than focusing on all of the negative.
Bribe yourself - After you recognize your mood change for the worse, promise yourself something as a bribe for the moment that you pull out of it. Make sure that you follow through with your bribe though and don't set too high of a bounty.
Leave notes to yourself - Notes help you remember things and they can bring a level of excitement if you receive them unexpectedly. Try mailing yourself a letter with a positive message about yourself and things you are learning about hope and confidence.
Pretend you are already there - Acting has a way of making the unreal real. Give your best impression of a happy, confident person and you might just learn a few things about how confidence and hope really work.

The second ingredient to my All-Natural Anti-Depressant is persuading yourself to believe, to have hope, and to be confident. Use whatever means necessary, even lie to yourself if you have to because individual hope and self-confidence are worth it.

Next: PART 3

All-Natural Anti-Depressant: Part 1

DEDICATION

This series is dedicated to two individuals, My grandmother, who battled depression, battled mental illness, battled cancer, battled hip replacement surgery, and came out ahead. She healed herself mentally and although ultimately cancer took her, she survived cancer for 20+ years.
The second individual is myself, because I did this myself, I survived, and I'm where I want to be and it feels good!

INTRODUCTION found HERE

My All-Natural Anti-Depressant: Part 1 of 9


OUTLINE
1. Create Space
2. Persuade Yourself
3. Emotions
4. Broaden your Perspective: Situations
5. Broaden your Perspective: Truth
6. Be Individual
7. Be Constructive
8. Balance (+) (-)
9. Conclusion


ONE - CREATE SPACE

During my first real spout of depression, I was about eleven years old, living in Farmington, UT on the west side of Glover Ln before there were houses around there. My life was mostly peaceful and as I look at it from an adult perspective I really had nothing to complain about but depression has a way of skewing your mind. My depression started because I didn't know how to deal with other kids my age, no one taught me the necessary skills and I lacked the knowledge and understanding to keep my emotions in check.
I was in 5th grade and was constantly bullied by other kids in the 6th grade. I remember one incident gaining the victory over said bullies, but that was late into the year and they left elementary before any real outcome came from it. I can recall that my emotions were so strong that day that when he started picking on me I took a fist to his face and gave him a bloody nose. We were waiting for the bus to head home for the day and the teacher who was with us didn't see it--thankfully. When she asked him why his nose was bleeding he coped an answer, "I just get bloody noses sometimes." I got on the bus and that was the last time he bothered me.
Had I been confronted by the teacher, I think this victory might have resulted in a bust--I would have been more confused, more angry, and the bully would have continued bullying me. Regardless, the year ended and I never saw him again because my family moved during the last 3 months of my 6th grade and I never attended Jr. High in Farmington.
My sixth grade was worse, however, because instead of facing older kids, who in the mind of a child, older meant more deserving of respect and submission, I was pitted against people my own age--people who were once my best friends. In the 90s being gay was despicable --I wasn't gay, but that didn't stop my peers from bullying me and claiming I was. I believe the rumors started because of jealousy--that I had started to become more popular than they, that I had things a little better; but really, things aren't better if you go through life in fear that you will face a situation you can't handle, face a bully who might actually say something to you that you think is true, face yourself degrading yourself. To add to it, my best childhood friend moved from Farmington because of incidents beyond his control--his father took his own life and his mother died when he was a child. He had to move in with his Aunt, who lived in Orem. --I have had no contact with him since, even though I would like to so I can feel a little closure about his departure.

Moving at such a fragile time in life may have harmed me more than helped me. I finished 6th grade as a hero at a new school--a hero who others despised because I got so much attention. Imagine going to a new school where the teachers tell you: "School is over, don't bother learning because our curriculum is different and you're ahead in school because of it. You've already tested so we have no reason to try." and to the students they say "This is our new student, make friends with him because he has no friends"--people were curious, but I was cast among wolves!
I faced a huge shock from going from a no-body who was trying to survive, to being the most popular kid in school simply because everyone knew who I was--but no one knew me as an individual. I didn't know what I was doing and made friends with all the wrong people thereby upsetting everyone else and making enemies unbeknownst to me. When I entered Jr High, I was treated like everyone else--had no friends--but I was still under the shock of not knowing what to do and I was left to make friends with the wrong people, again. These friends were negative, picked on me because it made them seem superior and built their own self-worth. I was the butt of jokes because I was inept at making friends and didn't have control of my emotions so it was easy to get a rise out of me. I lacked communication skills so I often said things out of place, didn't speak when I should have, and was very socially awkward and lacked self-worth to do anything about it.
I turned inward, told myself it was all my fault for saying stupid things or being a certain way. I thought because I had no friends I was a nobody and worth nothing. I internalized every little thing and though I developed hard skin, my inside was soft and mushy.
My life was one conflict after another: conflict with friends at school, conflict with parents at home, conflict with my sister who lived at home at the time. Everywhere I went there was conflict and I had no where to deal with myself no peaceful place, nothing I could do that gave me enough peace to take care of this. I found the most alone time by turning to video games, turning to the internet, watching TV and avoiding others.
 I got to a point where I pretended every insult and every bad thing that happened to me didn't matter and that I was okay with it. I pretended I was strong but I was hurting inside. I got so depressed that I contemplated my suicide, and all of my "friends" were telling me to "go kill [myself]" anyway, so I thought that "maybe I would be ahead to give them what they want."
I discovered that my parents kept a revolver under the jet-tub cupboard, and my parents never really controlled pills in our household so I contemplated either. I thought about hanging myself in the tree in the back yard, or in the garage.
But one day I found just enough peace while browsing the net to realize that I needed to work on my self-worth. I stumbled into a few self-help books that talked about first building up yourself and then you can change the world around you. I wanted to be significant in the world, I wanted to "change the world" and so I needed to change myself.

Changing myself wasn't my first step, and changing myself is a daunting task that takes a lifetime; my first step was creating space. I needed to distance myself from negative influences. All of those influences that were harmful to my well being, I made the choice to distance myself from them. I stopped hanging around friends who picked on me. I avoided my parents when they were upset. I avoided my siblings when they were on the war path. If I thought it was making me feel worse, I got rid of it.
I started to stand up for myself a little more. When someone said something about me, whether joking or malicious, I told them not to make fun of me or call me names, "Don't call me that again, it's not funny!" --I probably came off very rude (to people who were rude to me), but I needed to do that in order to save myself. Sometimes, you may need to punch someone in the face in order for them to get the message that you're sick of their negative influence.

I'm not promoting the complete abandonment of other people. In time, you will be able to handle your depression and it won't matter who you are around, or what other people tell you. But until you are stronger, you need to get rid of all of those negative influences because they drag you down now. Creating space doesn't mean burning bridges, it means crossing bridges but leaving them in tact.

Around that time period I abandoned the Violin. According to my violin coach, I had reached a point where I needed to dive in fully if I were to advance in the field, I was performing solos, I was the lead in the orchestra, I guess you could say I was pretty good. But the violin was eating up too much of my time. It wasn't a choice I made on my own, to play violin, and so a part of me despised it and despised who I was becoming with it, so I quit. Because of Violin, I felt guilty when I didn't practice, I felt low when I wasn't getting compliments because I was using my violin to get attention and compliments and it had stopped working. It was superficial, I shouldn't have been so focused on getting attention but I put my energy into getting attention and recognition, not on the actual instrument, and when it didn't work it made me feel worse because it wasn't advancing my goal, so I got rid of it.

You also need to create some more personal physical space. People tell you that when you're depressed you should attempt to get out in the world and be active and among people--they rarely tell you to be alone. I think being active and out among people is a good thing, don't get me wrong, but I also think that you should make a conscious effort to be alone. When you're depressed people want to check up on you and cater to you and monitor you, and you want to check up on yourself and monitor yourself, and then you feel uncomfortable being alone as if something is wrong with you that you need someone to watch over you whenever you're alone. Being alone is a good thing, and isn't the goal to be happy always--even when you're alone? Making a conscious effort to be alone gives yourself permission to be okay or to practice being okay whenever you're alone.
In other words, tell those well-meaning people in your life, gently, that you are planning some alone time for an hour or a day, and that you don't want to be bothered. They likely want you to be happy as well, but them making a big deal out of your depression by trying to help you can actually make you feel worse as if you can't deal with this on your own and you aren't autonomous.
If people keep messing with your mind, you have to push them out. That includes people who guilt you into things, people who threaten bad things if you don't comply, even people who have good intentions but who hold too much power over you to feel comfortable in denying them. People are very intrusive. They live in such a competitive world that they forget to turn that competitive mode off when they are in peaceful environments, such as around you.

Space is an important part of everyone's life. Humans carve out territory so that they have room to survive, rejuvenate, and to grow in. If in your own territory you feel threatened, stressed, depressed, hurt, or otherwise, where will you go to rest? Sometimes we feel depressed because there is no safe place for us, whether physical or psychological, so our response is to shut down physically, mentally, and emotionally. The worst part about this is that we don't even realize that there are forces acting on us that trigger our depression--we simply think that we are tired, sad, or lonely and that we have no control over it.
Hop to it! Take some alone time and set correct boundaries for your personal territory.

Next: PART 2

All-Natural Anti-Depressant: Intro

INTRODUCTION

I am writing this series of articles because I want the world to know that you don't have to get on pills, you don't have to have a therapist, and you don't have to be miserable in order to deal with your depression.  I am living proof that humans have the ability to heal themselves. I have changed my life 180 degrees from being suicidal at age 13, and again at age 20, and finally reaching where I am now: perfectly happy with life and informed of the tools necessary to keep myself in this state.
I have had a couple people tell me that unless you've had severe depression, suicidal depression, you really don't understand depression. Those people have dismissed my claims that I have made a transformation, accusing me of not having as severe a depression as they do. If at the time I had been in that depressed state, it probably would have brought me down again into thinking that my own problems aren't as bad as other peoples' and that I was pathetic for thinking otherwise. --that's not the case. This formula I use is very real, even if it seems skeptical, and it has healed me from years (10+) of emotional baggage.
My claim is simple enough: that you can heal yourself without medication or therapy--just you dealing with yourself living a normal life. You don't need drugs, you don't need religion, and you don't need to see a therapist to heal yourself, the capability is within you and once you tap into it you will feel a sense of power that will one day beat out the skepticism you feel. Coming to the realization that I am about to share with you over the course of these articles will potentially be the most invigorating thing you have ever experienced in your life.

RESOURCES
By and large, I am going to explain my all-natural remedy for depression through my own experiences, however, I couldn't have made it here on my own. I read a lot of material--literature and self-help books--in order to get here. Unfortunately, not everything you read in the field of self-help is proven or even helpful, so I had to weed through the garbage/heresay by testing it out and finding what works for me.
Since I am speaking from my own perspective and experiences, I can't guarantee that these things will work for everyone or every circumstance. The way I respond to depression, I know, was different from the way that other people respond to it, but I have tried to narrow down my basic points to those that I believe apply to everyone. Take what I say as you will, try out the things you aren't sure about and don't do anything you don't think will work because you are the only person who knows you and at the end of the day you are the only person responsible for your happiness and well-being.

WHY THE TITLE?
I chose this title because I have been on a natural-food, healthy living jive lately and I think it's becoming cool to use holistic remedies. The premise behind all-natural remedies is that anyone can make them and that they take an "outside of the box" approach to personal health. This is my "outside of the box" remedy--you can make it yourself, it doesn't require you to purchase or pay for anything, and it's the methods and tools that professionals don't want you to know about because they'd be out of a job!
Interestingly, I heard a quote recently from Vandana Shiva, premier quantum physicist, that explained how many scientists and doctors look at a world perspective from the scope of a petri dish and they apply what they learn to the larger world, without the understanding of causal relationships between the smallest of components and the world around them. I think this applies to society's present approach to dealing with depression: they look at the individual and say that he or she has a problem and that it can be cured with therapy or medicinal drugs. What they don't realize is that life is more than a singular perspective looking at the individual, but is instead three perspectives looking a the individual, the influences of the world around them and the impact and influence they have in turn on the world around them and how that impact circles around to affect them again.--more on this later!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "DEPRESSION"?
This might seem like a silly question to bring up in the introduction, but throughout the years I've dealt with this I realize that not everyone thinks the same things are "depression" some people say depression is merely sad feelings they can't shake, others say it's an overall feeling that is comparable to the feeling of lack of energy. Others say it's a feeling of being crazy and isolated/distant from others. Even others will tell you it's a state of mind rather than a feeling, and that it circles around logically to where they can't escape. I will be using the term "depression" very loosely. Depression is all of these things and more. To me personally, depression was lonliness, it was sadness, it was fear of my future and hopelessness; it was guilt and sorrow, it was a deranged, crazed state, it was occasionally anger at myself or others. For me, depression is both a feeling and a thought and is associated with a circumstance, and once I realized that it became easier to remedy.

WHAT TIMEFRAME ARE WE LOOKING AT?
My personal journey to recovery took me 9 years--I had to learn everything from scratch because no one told me where to look for answers and I internalized everything and didn't want to tell anyone I had a problem. I would get feeling better because some of the things worked, but without the finishing touches I would consistently slip back into depression. I lacked those finishing touches because I hadn't learned them yet. Hopefully this process will go much quicker for readers because I'm giving you access to a whole lot more information, all in one place, than I ever had.
With that in mind, my all-natural anti-depressant can only work as fast as you can. It requires a learning process unlike what they teach in school--there isn't necessarily memorization and regurgitation, you have to actually understand it in order for it to work, and no two people learn at the same rate. Along with learning comes application--none of this stuff is easy; you have to make sacrifices, you have to make hard decisions, you have to make changes to your life and way of thinking and way of approaching problems. If you're serious, I have no doubt that you'll pick all of this up easily, and the best part is that you HAVE to pick this stuff up, you have to adapt and change out of necessity instead of mere want and desire.

Next: PART 1

If you have any questions, comments, or experiences you'd like to share about this, you can direct your emails to consutdz@live.com or leave a comment on this page. I'd be happy to help you if you want some free assistance, but just remember: free advice may be just that...worth nothing.

This article is mostly random, mostly a personal update, so it's jumbled and more for fan reading than actual reflection.

Lately, I have been in a reflective mood. I have been thinking about my past in a positive light, reminiscing and recalling the way I used to think the way I used to be, the way I used to approach life. I've been thinking a lot but I also did a search on this blog for the words "happy" and "depression" and my favorite keyword "emotions" and read the articles associated with them.
This has been an interesting experience because I see that I was right on the tip of a major iceburg under the surface of my life for the last several years. I understand it now, I get it, so this exercise in self reflection has been intriguing. I feel like a parent watching their kid learn something new that has been in front of them the whole time. It's cute, it's humorous, its lovable. I love myself.

So what did I learn from this reflective exercise?
I recalled that my upbringing--the way my parents raise me/treat(ed) me, the things that were taught to me, the logic I used at the time, my own ignorance of how to resolve conflicts--it all contributed to a major problem in my life that went unresolved and recurred over and over in a cycle. This problem was under the surface, I was dealing with it all the time but I didn't see it because I was caught up in what was on the surface, the "what" of what is happening, rather than the cause of what was happening. There were periods of my life where I felt severe depression, I contemplated suicide on at least three occasions. I never really got debilitated--I was too busy, had too many obligations, and life carried on around me so much that I was just trying to keep up, but if that wasn't there I would have probably stayed in bed during those times.
Instead of moping around I coped with that recurring depression by going into autopilot mode. I followed a very regimental lifestyle full of rules. I restricted myself from things, told myself certain things would make me unhappy and not to do them, became very rigid and inflexible and it all became very dangerous. People wouldn't meet my expectations and I'd classify them as lesser. Someone would flake out on plans with me and I'd hate that person, I'd write them off, I'd be angry and upset and consider enacting revenge. Then, to make matters worse, I'd get upset with myself for having such negative feelings and I'd feel guilty, I'd justify my life but then hate myself for doing so.
Being able to look back on this now, I realize how I was. I realize what I did was wrong--wrong in that it was wrong for me, I don't want to be that way, I don't want to deal with that. I decided I wouldn't carry that baggage anymore. And like I said at the beginning of this article, I realize that what I was dealing with was only the tip of the iceburg. It was the part I saw, I dealt--coped--with that stuff on a daily basis and I did it all wrong!

I didn't see my problems from the right perspective. It's not as simple as making the shift from saying "other people are my problem" to saying "I am my own problem"--it's much more difficult than that. I can't even explain how I triggered the correct response to break the cycle. I'm reminded that change only happens within people out of needs, wants, and time--I needed to change but wasn't changing, I wanted to change but wasn't changing, but I think I needed time to change me as well--all 3 of them.
However...time is synonymous with learning: over time you experience and learn and then you change based on new knowledge. Some people learn quickly and change quickly as well--but you have to be open to learning, open to new things, open to knowledge otherwise you'll waste a lot of time repeating the cycles over and over again until you do or you die.

I'm out of my depression now. And now that I'm out I know I'm out for good. Unlike the times in the past where I thought I was out but wasn't sure--not now. I'm not suicidal. I'm not unhappy, and I feel so good about myself and my life. And when I made that realization doors started opening for me. I'm at peace--a peace that no one can take from me. No one. So as I reflect on how I went through that dark period of time--how I've grown, how I know more about life, more about living, more about being happy than I ever did before-- I have been able to isolate a few things that brought me here.

I'm going to start a new article series soon on Depression and Happiness. The things I've learned. This is my true expertise in life. I've tackled a lot of topics, including marriage, and let's face it, the things I know about these topics are based on partial experiences and the experiences of others, but no actual, on the ground, kind of experience. Sure, I've done my research, applied the correct principles of human science to make these conclusions, but it's still not as powerful as being the expert at something because you've been there. I've been there. I know a lot more than I let on and I suspect I know more than at least 2/3rds of the population because I can explain  it to you--my logic is very defensible and doesn't rely on cop out answers like "I follow the commandments, I donate to charities, etc"--eventually you run out of charities to contribute to and you're still unhappy following rules--you've got to really deal with it instead of cop out with answers that leave you with more questions.
If you haven't subscribed to my blog/twitter/pinterest/googleplus/etc already, now's a good time because this series is going to blow your mind and hopefully you'll change and your life will become better!

The Human Condition Revisitied

Hey all. I read over my previous Human Condition article and thought it was time to revisit the topic. This is really important so I want to strike up the discussion further.

THE BASICS:
i. The human condition is a collection of the universal struggles of mankind.--everyone is battling these things

ii. The Human Condition consists of 4 parts:
1) Inevitable Isolation - We constantly go in and out of being alone to being with other people
2) Fear of Death - Everyone dies eventually and all things come to an end
3) Unquenchable Curiosity - Life is full of mysteries and sometimes there aren't answers
4) Desire for Purpose - We want everything in life to have meaning

iii. Without knowing it, all of our motives and desires stem from the human condition.

ADVANCED:
i. The human condition is only resolved through finding closure.
ii. closure is the resolution to be happy with what we are given.
iii. most religions and belief systems focus on finding closure for the human condition, even though they might not directly state it.

Modern Marrage: Part 4

I've put off the conclusion of this series and finally have a little free time to say what I want to say.

I've touched on how marriage today is different than any other century and that the differences are actually what make modern marriage better.

I've touched on what the modern marriage is composed of--traits, benefits of, and what the purpose of it is.

Then I talked about how marriage is an agreement that you will approach changes together.

Success (or, how to have a successful marriage)

The Self-help and improvement genre of literature is full of books and authors who will tell you there is only one way to have a successful marriage. Religion, too, will tell you that only one form of marriage is acceptable. But how can this ever be an accurate statement? There are 7 billion people on Earth--each different--which means there are 21 billion combinations of potential relationships--all different.

My point is that no two relationships are the same, and no two marriages should be the same either. People try to cover all the bases by saying get married and make a vow that you'll take care of the other person physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. And you'll be monogamous, and what's mine is yours, and you'll both worship the same religion so that one of you doesn't end up in hell without the other person, etc etc. But the truth is, there ARE highly functional relationships in which both spouses agree to not be monogamous, don't share their possessions, don't worship the same way, and these couples are very happy and successful in life.
The question then, is how? How can two very different people fit together and make it work?
To answer this question you have to take a few steps back. You need to look at how they define success. You have to look at what their goals are--not the surface goals, but the root goals that these people have as individuals.

Happiness
Happiness in life isn't defined by what you possess. Having a specific kind of marriage isn't what makes a person happy, just like having a specific kind of car won't make you happy either.--there is something at the root of it. Owning a nice car might grant you access to a specific level of prestige, it might inflate your ego, it might release a few endorphins in your brain that make you think you're happy, but it isn't the car that made you happy--it was the chemicals in your brain, or the prestige, or whatever else. The car is just a vehicle you use to obtain your root motivation. Marriage of a specific kind is just a vehicle as well. People use marriage the same way that they do cars!
Unfortunately, happiness that is founded on possessions isn't very long lasting. Possessions degrade and fade away, nice cars break down and are expensive to fix, marriages collapse and it takes a good chunk of money, time, and emotional energy to fix or even get out of them. Nice cars and fancy marriages aren't for everyone and won't make everyone happy.

Successful, Modern Marriages are...
...Unique. They mold to the people, not the people to the marriage. Marriages are a tool that people use to reach their root objectives and ought to prioritize functionality over fancy.

Now what?
For those of you who are already married, I'm not saying stir the pot and make changes right away--if at all. I'm suggesting that if you aren't happy with your marriage, something needs to be done. Something needs to change, you and your spouse need to adapt to the modern times, need to adapt to each other, need to find a solution that works that is customized to your relationship not to the world. Marriage isn't a statement to the world and even though society thinks it has to have its hand in it--enforce it, sanction it, legally protect it--marriage really doesn't need an advocate. Marriage needs YOU and YOUR SPOUSE and that's it. Let the world do what it wants with marriage.
A confident person will approach life without regard for the influences around them because they trust themselves enough that they aren't going to be swayed negatively and trust that they have the opportunity to pick and choose what positive traits they want to incorporate. A confident marriage works the same way: it isn't swayed by the outside world, but is swayed and shaped by the individuals and their root objectives.

For those of you who aren't married. Change. If you aren't married but want to be (and I'm guessing you are if you are reading this) then you need to come to this one conclusion: that the way you've been thinking about marriage is utterly wrong. --it's not your fault, you've been programmed to think that way by [insert anything here: Disney, religion, family, society, etc]. --Now that you know that you've been thinking incorrectly, change. Embrace reality. Embrace knowledge. Gain a little confidence in your abilities to form relationships and to traverse life and obtain what you want from life. Take the risk with the next person you meet, or the next good relationship you have (or currently have), that you'll find a way to make it work for what you really want. And leave the possibility open that you'll never be married but will find what you want without using the tool called marriage.
Most single individuals cringe and shy away when hard times happen while forming relationships. They think "It would never work out for us" or "I can't deal with this for my whole life" and then they miss the opportunity to uncover what their root desires are. They spend their lives focused on the surface: "he/she doesn't fit my lifestyle therefore it would never work. He/she doesn't look like I want, doesn't do what I want, doesn't act how I want, doesn't--me me me me me me me." --they turn relationships and marriage into a "me" thing, which it has and always will be a "we" thing.
Like I said in part 3: The only reason a marriage fails is because one or both people see their way as the only way, and they give up trying. If one person gives up, the other is forced to let go as well and then it's just a matter of how far they fall. When you give up in this manner, you're sending the message, "I want this relationship to work MY way and if I don't get what I want then I won't cooperate and I'll leave."

Marriage is a great thing, but just remember that it isn't the marriage that counts, it's the relationship underneath.