A history of my dating experiences in utah directed for non-mormons

I've been dating for 11 years straight, had many many girlfriends, been engaged 3 times, dated a lot more than that.--I think all of that qualifies me to say I'm an expert at dating, unlike those who get married and take a break for a few years.

Ok, enough crap.

Dating in Utah is a little different from any other state, though it might be comparable to dating in certain "christian" cities across the U.S. but let me tell you, if you aren't Mormon here (or christian, there) it's a very weird place to be.


For starters, Utah isn't even 51% Mormon, but the culture effects everything. Girls are taught that they should get married and have kids. When they get older, they make a conscious decision to either go with what they were taught and try to get married and have kids; or they rebel against the notion and say they don't want to get married or they don't want to have kids. --I've been around the block and 95% of people fall into one of these categories. The alternative is to really think hard about the decision and choose to either not have kids out of some other reason such as health reasons or the reality that they wouldn't make a good mother or that it would interfere with a career--or vise versa, to have kids for multiple reasons unrelated to what they were taught in life.--That's only about 5% of people. I'm not generalizing, this is true. Talk to someone long enough and you'll decide that they have no real reason for not wanting kids, or wanting kids just because they were told to.

This concept of marriage and children plays into the Utah dating pool differently than it does elsewhere in the world. Elsewhere, girls want to have a boyfriend for the sake of saying they have a boyfriend, but here they want to have a boyfriend for the sake of getting married.
Sadly, the ones who dont' want marriage or children either refuse to date or they only want a boyfriend to have "a little fun," get free things, and be taken care of.

Furthermore, there is a lot of fantasy that plays into the Utah dating world. Girls think some form of Disney prince is going to sweep them off their feet, and the young boys who catch onto this act the part--if only temporarily, because you can only act for so long. --and This is seriously twisted. There is an expectation that you be something that you are not to impress a girl who is only using you for a meal ticket or a marriage license or a father for their children. And unfortunately, after everything is said and done, they don't exactly care that you aren't being yourself.

Remember when I said how people like pain?--I guess I didn't write a post about it, but I've been saying it for over a year now and will have to write an article on it. These girls get married have a kid and then when things calm down enough they look at their husband and realize he's not the knight in Disney shining armor that they thought he was, because at that point he is tired of acting or he slips up a few times. Naturally, the marriage falls apart.

Next, there are a lot of divorced single moms in Utah. In other states there are a lot of teenage moms who didn't ever get married, and those are different, and yes we have those here too. These single moms obsess over their children. Their children are their life; if only because that's what the culture here expects. You rarely hear about people here giving up their child for adoption, or the mother letting the father take primary custody like you might in other states. But the real weird thing about these single moms is that they still troll the dating world, and they still act the same way that they did for their first husband: they want a prince charming or someone who will act for them.
It seems like a good follow-up recipe for disaster.

Being a Greek Atheist, I'm classified with the Satanists--Hell, I adhere to a few of their principles. Meaning, I think about everything I believe and I be the person I think I am and want to be. And therein lies a problem with the dating world: No matter how much I make the feel important or feel wanted, it doesn't matter because I'm not who they want--I'm not a Disney prince charming. I don't want to get married, but I do want kids.
Quid Pro Quo, I chase after less than 5% of the Utah population: the ones who don't want marriage, but want more than just a little fun and possibly want to have kids. Probably it's 1 in 1:1,000,000 that would be comfortable with my personality and lifestyle, and there aren't even 3 million people in Utah.

Post

I've been a little hung up with other projects to focus on this blog and writing out my thoughts. In fact, I don't even have internet at my house right now, I've resigned to using hot spots and my parent's internet for the time being. I could say something about that, but all in all I think it's a good thing--prevents me from being lazy for the time being and actually adds another layer of protection to my PC.

A list of things I'm doing;

Organic Farming on 1 Acre
Finding creative ways to sell my produce
Vlogging for my farm
Flipping a house that I'm living in
Moving into that house
Writing a Book
Enjoying summer -- Kayaking, tubing, swimming, driving, wanting to go camping but not camping, luberjacking taking care of properties.

Ya, I'd say I'm pretty busy.

I've been living on my parent's couch for a few weeks up until 2 days ago.


But I haven't stopped thinking or exploring. I'd love to write those new insights out but I just don't have the time at the right time! I've cracked the secret to motivational speeches and seen a few interesting natrual-world competitive actions that can be applied to the real world. I've discovered several social media PR tricks and hashed the role of the president in the next 4 years. I've had good humorous jokes with people and on pepole who were too unaware to understand. I've coped.
Life goes on and I love it right now. What is there to complain abouit?

Why I change

I change rapidly.

I've had it described by others and myself that I change as though my rocket ship is already loaded and ready to launch and someone or something hit the launch button.

But let me describe why that is.

Each time I change, it's because my very life and existence is at risk. I change because I know how close death is. Not because I've almost died, but because I've thought very carefully about killing myself before. I came to the conclusion that I'm not going to do anything again that would bring me close to death. There are ALWAYS alternatives. If I'm not happy with where my life is going, I change. If I don't like my lifestyle, I change.

I don't want to live a life if I don't enjoy it, so if I stop enjoying it, I quit that and do something else.

If my principles and theories about life cease to make sense, make me feel guilty, make me upset, make me into something I don't want to be--I give them up. I change.

I don't want to be anything that I'm not completely satisfied with; and when I'm not completely satisfied with the present, or with the possible future outcomes ahead of me, I change.

I change everything and I know that if I change once, I can change back if I find another way to make my past work.

Longing

I long for a simple life,
something better because I get it
something I chose completely
not something I fell into.

I don't want opportunities
they always come with stipulations
and they're rarely things I want at the time
I want options that I created.

And yet.
I want them now.


I feel like Bilbo Baggins when he says, "I want to see mountains again, Mountains Gandolf!"

I want that dream I've been chasing and I'm frustrated because I worry that it isn't possible.

A lot of things are piling up to some key moments that I have no control over right now and I have to wait to see how they play out. If they play out the way I would like, then I will be satisfied. If they don't, then I have to react to those outcomes. But right now, I just wish it would just play out so I don't have to be anxious.

American Fear

I've taken an interest in the history of the Atomic Bomb and the U.S. It's an interesting story and yet a very devastating one. --what an atrocity. The whole concept of it is disgusting.
Perhaps a teenage mind would support the use of the bomb, but the power of this weapon is too great. It has too many consequences.

Fear is the real weapon of the bomb. The fear that at any moment your life will be forfeit by some other man who had more opportunities than you in life that placed them in a powerful seat.

It is no wonder to me that modern warfare shifted from large scale assault with massive weapons to many small surprise strikes by individuals; Terrorism.

Terrorism is the response of the fear established by the bomb.

A single bomb can destroy some but not all of an international terroristic group, and if such extreme strike were used, it would have to be used on its own people. Furthermore, using harsh, brute force against a seemingly tiny speck of a fly would only enrage the fly and its friends and family to come back with even greater numbers.


Many things stopped the US from ever using the Bomb. What if those same things could stop the use of Terrorism?

Terrorism and guerrilla warfare will always exist, just like the Atom bomb will always exist. But perhaps there is a way to convince mankind to cease the use of Fear. If only we could think of some way to halt the use of fear.

I'm not a gypsy

It's no joke that I don't want to be where I am right now.

I don't like the city, but I feel that I have to be here because it's where I can make money--more and more easily than elsewhere.

I feel the call of the wild regularly. 

I hear the mountains and the trees and I look outside and I see neither. I feel cramped like I've overgrown my turf. My body complains about not getting enough sun and living in the dark and not tasting the real air.

I want to get out, but I'm not a gypsy. I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be anywhere in particular.

I want a space to call my own. I want a place I can be myself. I want to get away from all the people who stress me out. I want to have something to look forward to. Something to invest my energy into. I want a place of my own.

If you know me well enough, you know I hate money. I hate the concept of money most of the time. I'm good with my money. I follow the rules. But I associate money too much with the things I hate. 

I look elsewhere, at a map, trying to decide where I can go from here, but it all seems so far away. It all seems too distant. The obstacles in my way will take me years and years and then I'll be an old man and I won't be able to finish what I started.

--That thought makes me want to cry. I'm tearing up now. 

I feel embarrassed to share with anyone my plans. Dreams are usually personal and I don't know anyone I personally trust. So instead, I remain quiet and it eats at my insides. 

It's no wonder people do drastic things. They don't trust anyone or they don't see them as helpful in their processes. I'm ambitious, certainly. What I want to do seems so much bigger than me and I'm upset right now that it's so challenging, so difficult. 

I'm frustrated all across the board with my job, with my lifestyle, with my relationships, with my family, with my health, with time itself. To elaborate, I'm frustrated that my job is so stressful and fast paced, I'm upset that I live in a dark community apartment with less than 400sqft of domestic space and all of my outside space is communal. I'm disappointed that my family and I are so very different that I feel alienated when I have a casual conversation with them. I'm annoyed by starting to see the signs of my body falling apart, I'm sore all the time, I have trouble sleeping or I want to sleep longer when I do sleep, I'm not strong enough for everything and my muscles are constantly rebuilding and I feel like I don't have enough endurance because I'm running a marathon every day. And lastly, I'm a little irked with this thing called time: I know I won't live forever but I know I'll live a very long time--longer than most people; but I don't want to waste 1/3rd of my life living a lifestyle I'm not happy with. My head can't cope with this; it is pushing me to pursue my ambition or live in misery because nothing else is as important. 

Yes, perhaps I've found my passion and that's what's bothering me so much, but even though I know what my passion is I still can't have it, and that's why I have so much mental angst. 

A flawed system

I keep listening to this song and I think it has a huge effect on me. It's pretty heavy.

Life's pretty lame; but it doesn't have to be.



I've seen how beautiful life can be. I've touch those magnificent moments, I could smell them and taste them and bask in them--that's how real it is for me.
But I've also seen the idiotic mess that we've made of life. We humans have thwarted our own best chances. Instead of conceding to being happy, we put ourselves into an agitated state 24/7 and we dangle the golden carrot in front of our own eyes. Then we deny ourselves from ever reaching it.
And the interesting thing about all of this is that every human being does this.



Me, I'm trying to get back to the root of all life. That quest, it would seem, is my golden carrot. And as I work for it, I see these very complex obstacles that are stopping me. I see the bureaucratic system holding me back from this end goal. That system is starting to disgust me, and the more it disgusts me the more I want that carrot and the more I'm pushing for alternative routes to that goal. It's a perpetual cycle of me wanting this thing I can't have and not being happy right now because I'm too disgusted by the world around me; yet that disgust is what keeps me going as if maybe the thing I'm disgusted by is really what I'm living for.

*shiver*



To further my point, I'm going to share an out-there example that I think illuminates this predicament: People who vocally hate drama tend to be the ones whose lives are full of drama and more often than not are the ones who are starting drama. They'll point fingers at other people and try to blame them for causing drama in their life, yet the act of pointing fingers is what perpetuates the drama. It is as if the thing they hate the most is really themselves.

I feel a lot of sympathy for everyone right now. People who want love more than anything yet they struggle with loving others--People who live in fear of an anxious and tense situation, yet it is their tension that is triggering that very anxiety and fear.--People who struggle every day with their addictions and want to quit but they see themselves as weak and pathetic and only because they can't overcome their addictions.

Its sad you guys.

I'm not okay with this; and I think I've been going about this the wrong way by thinking "we" need to do something about this; because really "I" need to do something about this.